Naughty pics???

[BetrayedH]

So true Betrayed thanks for the clarity of this issue. Dare say that I look forward too reading your pathologies.

 

I'll admit that my experience is anecdotal. It's what happened to my wife and frankly, to me when I pursued my own stupid affair. I would imagine that it happens to others who have spent most of their adult lives in marriages where compromise and negotiation over a lot of life's stressors are at the forefront of the relationship. An affair is much different. If you're going to pursue a fantasy, I'd suspect you're going to try to make it fantastic. When both APs have a similar goal, it should be no surprise that boundaries are pushed to the limit. I think some scenarios, like Waverly's, also happen. With her, I suspect that the emotional affair meant the most to her (which seems to be common with women). It probably helps as a rationalization as well - our affair was 'different' as it was not so tawdry - although her AP seemed to be plenty willing to go there. Or perhaps as some have said, women will give sex to get love and men will give love to get sex.

[Waverly]

I'll admit that my experience is anecdotal. It's what happened to my wife and frankly, to me when I pursued my own stupid affair. I would imagine that it happens to others who have spent most of their adult lives in marriages where compromise and negotiation over a lot of life's stressors are at the forefront of the relationship. An affair is much different. If you're going to pursue a fantasy, I'd suspect you're going to try to make it fantastic. When both APs have a similar goal, it should be no surprise that boundaries are pushed to the limit. I think some scenarios, like Waverly's, also happen. With her, I suspect that the emotional affair meant the most to her (which seems to be common with women). It probably helps as a rationalization as well - our affair was 'different' as it was not so tawdry - although her AP seemed to be plenty willing to go there. Or perhaps as some have said, women will give sex to get love and men will give love to get sex.

 

Very subtle little kick there , BH. I'm not saying that my xAP and I were such special little snowflakes, just trying to provide another perspective. The Anthony Weiner jokes lasted a while after his one-time offer.

[SolG]

I used to think that was being progressive as well. NowI know it is actually the height of selfishness, ignorance and being a taker. Doing anything and everything that makes me happy no matter who is being hurt in the process.

 

Gross misinterpretation right here!

 

I did not write that having an affair was socially progressive; but rather that there is a correlation between people who are socially progressive and propensity to have/participate in As. And then posited that the same demographic would probably also be more likely to send such pics. Hypothesis; therefore demographic may be a contributing factor to why dirty pics are so prevalent in affairs. (Extension would be that you would find dirty pics more prevalent wherever there is a concentration of social progressives.) Hypothesis only...

 

Now that you can see what I actually wrote (vs your emotive misinterpretation), and you've got your moral judginess out of your system (I hope)... What about you as a data point? You've indicated that you're up for dirty pics with your H (as was I); do you also class yourself as socially progressive? I'm curious.

 

There is a fair sprinkling of folk in this thread that send pics in normal LTRs, not just in As. I'm not convinced that it's just an A context that 'makes' people to do this. Personality and beliefs also play a part; and this is transferrable from context to context.

 

However... I also think that an A context may influence someone who was otherwise unlikely to indulge to participate in uncharacteristic fantasy type behaviour.

 

Two totally different motivations to explore!

Edited April 8, 2014 by SolG

[BetrayedH]

Very subtle little kick there , BH. I'm not saying that my xAP and I were such special little snowflakes, just trying to provide another perspective. The Anthony Weiner jokes lasted a while after his one-time offer.

 

Hey, no kick intended, Waverly (well, maybe not one intended to hurt anyway).

 

Your perspective is a valid one and you were right to note it. I don't know if keeping it a non-tawdry affair was a rationalization for you and for what it's worth, I do think it was an emotional respite for you. I certainly have a lot of my own rationalizations for poor decisions. The mind has a funny way of helping us to justify the easier options. I enjoy the conversation about it. Insight into why we make decisions (especially the ones we know are irrational) seems worth striving for. 'Fear' is an interesting subject. I had three therapists during all my nonsense and they all seemed to gravitate towards that subject.

 

I hope the best course of action comes to you soon. I know it's not easy.

Edited April 8, 2014 by BetrayedH

[veritas lux mea]

Gross misinterpretation right here!

 

I did not write that having an affair was socially progressive; but rather that there is a correlation between people who are socially progressive and propensity to have/participate in As. And then posited that the same demographic would probably also be more likely to send such pics. Hypothesis; therefore demographic may be a contributing factor to why dirty pics are so prevalent in affairs. (Extension would be that you would find dirty pics more prevalent wherever there is a concentration of social progressives.) Hypothesis only...

 

Now that you can see what I actually wrote (vs your emotive misinterpretation), and you've got your moral judginess out of your system (I hope)... What about you as a data point? You've indicated that you're up for dirty pics with your H (as was I); do you also class yourself as socially progressive? I'm curious.

 

There is a fair sprinkling of folk in this thread that send pics in normal LTRs, not just in As. I'm not convinced that it's just an A context that 'makes' people to do this. Personality and beliefs also play a part; and this is transferrable from context to context.

 

However... I also think that an A context may influence someone who was otherwise unlikely to indulge to participate in uncharacteristic fantasy type behaviour.

 

Two totally different motivations to explore!

 

 

What you consider "progressive society" when used is in a superior way. And what you translate it to is really just loose morals. Sayin loose morals just doesn't sound so hoity toity. I don't think sending nudies to someone who you are interested in or dating is always smart but it is hardly immoral unless you have religeous beliefs that go against it. But sending such things to someone who is in a committed monogamous relationship shows poor boundaries and something missing in their character.

 

Usually when people accuse someone of being judgemetal it is because their is a sore spot on their conscience. That part of us that tells us when we are doing wrong. Unless the person making "judgements" is condemning the person to hell, saying they are worthless or making such accusations is really is just an opposing view? And since when did opposing views become judgements? I don't know you or what you are like. But I do know that progressive society or culture does not equal more affairs, behaviour that is harmful to another person or cutting people out of your life just because they stand up for what they believe in.

 

You brought up your own involement with someone who was taken and said affairs are more common in these "progressive" societies.

 

But I do think it is a little silly to question people involved in affairs sending dirty photos like it is "shocking" or something. Men look at porn all the time. Before live video they had magazines and photos... Doesn't it make sense that they would want photos of the woman they are involved with as well?

[BHsigh]

I don't think my H could send me a pic like that today without me triggering and thinking that he may be trying to relive his A.

 

I so agree with this, I still lock up when my wife tries to "sext", I just can't stand it anymore.

[BetrayedH]

I so agree with this, I still lock up when my wife tries to "sext", I just can't stand it anymore.

 

My sympathies.

[Spark1111]

OH PULLEAZE.....My grandmother told me those that are truly fulfilled NEVER advertise because they do NOT NEED TO...

 

And those who are shouting, pictorializing, bragging from the roof tops WISH they had, were experiencing, what us quiet ones had in spades.....

 

IT IS STILL TRUE.

[hard2c]

Don't advertise if it's not for sale.

[WasOtherWoman]

I have to say, I don't really understand this whole picture thing either. I don't want anyone sending me pictures of their privates , I would be mortified.

 

As I've joked with my husband, put that thing away until I ask for it.

 

And, as a single woman, i would have been horribly, horribly offended should anyone have ever sent me these sorts of pics. Would have been the last thing they ever sent me.

[hard2c]

I have to say, I don't really understand this whole picture thing either. I don't want anyone sending me pictures of their privates , I would be mortified.

 

As I've joked with my husband, put that thing away until I ask for it.

 

And, as a single woman, i would have been horribly, horribly offended should anyone have ever sent me these sorts of pics. Would have been the last thing they ever sent me.

agreed

[purplesorrow]

 

Affair partners seem to think their groins are uber special worthy of a selfie.

 

.

 

 

Now that is funny!

[SolG]

What you consider "progressive society" when used is in a superior way. And what you translate it to is really just loose morals. Sayin loose morals just doesn't sound so hoity toity. I don't think sending nudies to someone who you are interested in or dating is always smart but it is hardly immoral unless you have religeous beliefs that go against it. But sending such things to someone who is in a committed monogamous relationship shows poor boundaries and something missing in their character.

 

Usually when people accuse someone of being judgemetal it is because their is a sore spot on their conscience. That part of us that tells us when we are doing wrong. Unless the person making "judgements" is condemning the person to hell, saying they are worthless or making such accusations is really is just an opposing view? And since when did opposing views become judgements? I don't know you or what you are like. But I do know that progressive society or culture does not equal more affairs, behaviour that is harmful to another person or cutting people out of your life just because they stand up for what they believe in.

 

You brought up your own involement with someone who was taken and said affairs are more common in these "progressive" societies.

 

But I do think it is a little silly to question people involved in affairs sending dirty photos like it is "shocking" or something. Men look at porn all the time. Before live video they had magazines and photos... Doesn't it make sense that they would want photos of the woman they are involved with as well?

 

Hi Veritas

 

Firstly let me apologise. My post in response to your first was mean spirited; not my normal style at all. Must have been having a bad morning and unloaded on you. Insinuating you were being judgemental and then being judgemental myself... Uncalled for... Sorry :-/

 

I agree with you in that I don't actually think that holding socially progressive views = morally loose. Or being 'approving' of infidelity at all. Take Dan Savage as an example; incredibly socially progressive (possibly the epitome of it!), but also totally anti-infidelity. But the research does say that the more progressive/less conservative one's views are, the more likely one is to indulge in affairs.

 

However, you've got me thinking... on the political landscape as one example, it doesn't appear that the liberals have the monopoly on cheating--or sending dirty pics--at all!

 

Your views on my and my MM's pic habits aside... I do agree with you that dirty pics between consenting adults (particularly in LTRs) is pretty much a non issue.

 

Cheers

 

SolG

[still_an_Angel]

I was not into exchanging naughty pics until MM got me into it. He loves it and has a whole bunch of me, some of them he took himself. I asked him about this because for me, they look all the same but he pointed out to me how each pic differs for him. If I'm going out, he would ask for pics because he likes watching me get dressed/undressed. He showed me clips of what he's done with my pics and told me its like having me around all the time. To each his own...

[PinkInTheLimo]

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! Yet another coworker he was flirting with also took pics. They went to the bathrooms at work took pics and then went on break to show each other their phones. She didn't want to send because her husband monitored her phone. His pic uploaded to our family pic account .

 

Honestly how old are these people?

 

I remember that there was a time that the boy of the neighbours and me had this game where we showed each other our private parts. We would very quickly push our undies down and then pull them up again so we got a flash of 1/10 of a second of our private parts. Lots of giggling of course.

 

I think I was 6 or 7 then and it's more than 40 years ago. I have grown out of it and since then I have never ever felt the need to show my private parts to anyone unless it is a man I am intimate with. There is also no way that I will ever take a pic of them or have someone take a pic of them.

 

Cheating is disturbing but these activities, with co-workers no less, are even more disturbing.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I am in no way a prude. I do think I am open minded; however, I do not understand grown people sending pics of their private parts. Is that really the dating culture? In my situation, when the ow called, I told her I had all the pics and dirty messages she sent stbx. I told her if I were the vindictive type, I could send to her friends and family so they could see her side jobs as author and photographer. She was embarrassed that she had done either, but during the affair didn't want to disappoint my stbx.

Does everyone see this as ok? I guess I will be alone if that is what's expected. Maybe I am a prude? Anyone else have thoughts?

I agree with you.

[notserene]

I am in no way a prude. I do think I am open minded; however, I do not understand grown people sending pics of their private parts. Is that really the dating culture? In my situation, when the ow called, I told her I had all the pics and dirty messages she sent stbx. I told her if I were the vindictive type, I could send to her friends and family so they could see her side jobs as author and photographer. She was embarrassed that she had done either, but during the affair didn't want to disappoint my stbx.

Does everyone see this as ok? I guess I will be alone if that is what's expected. Maybe I am a prude? Anyone else have thoughts?

 

If someone expects this stuff and gets mad if you won't do it...then you probably shouldn't be dating them.

 

Ask them if they have ever heard of the phrase "revenge porn."