In love or not?

[Lvsdogs]

I've been haunted for days after my last post about whether to reconcile or not. Someone who I think may not be on this site anymore from what I saw from my post (some of his were deleted, I guess. I missed the drama), told me that my bf loved me but was not IN love with me.

 

I'm still in the relationship. Some of you tell me to run, not walk. Some of you offer support and understanding. I honestly still don't know what to do.

 

He booked us a trip to Cancun in May for us to have time somewhere nice and be alone. We went there last year and had a great time. I agreed to go.

 

I've seen remorse. I guess i don't understand why he wants me to stay and work it out if he really isn't in love with me like this person said. I already moved out. I'm already three hours away. Why spend gas and money and come out to visit me and have me visit him? If he isn't in love with me, why bother? And trust me, I make his life a living hell even from far away.

 

I'm still torn on what to do. Six years, almost seven is hard to walk away from. I still wonder what he's doing when I'm not around. I really believe there wasn't a PA. This was strictly weird EAs with random people in other states. Not that I'm saying that makes it ok.

 

I look at other posts on here, and I am encouraged by people who are still working it out or appear to be in a better stronger relationship. If cheating truly meant the other wasn't in love, why would anyone try and work it out?

 

I have a friend whose husband was a serial cheater. No emotion. Just random sex with strangers. There must have been 30+ women. They did counseling, worked things out, and seem happier and stronger than ever, 20-years married. Was he not in love with her?

 

Am I fooling myself? Was he not in love with me? I even told him about the post, and he assured me that it had nothing to do with love and that he is totally in love with me. He said his own personal issues, his low self-esteem, and his craving for attention among other things were what drove him to connect emotionally with others.

 

There's no point in trying to work things out if he's not in love with me. And I certainly don't want to make him. He either is or he isn't.

 

Do any of you feel this is the case? That your spouse wasn't in love with you when he cheated?

[gettingstronger]

Yes, it's hard to understand how someone can love and betray you at the same time. I even told my husband to stop saying, I've always loved you. I explained that it triggers me and honestly if he believes that's what love is, I want nothing to do with it. It's such an odd concept to think I want to reconcile with someone I don't want to say I've always loved you to me. You have to look forward and not back.

 

More important things to say is, I was wrong, I did a horrible thing, you are safe with me now, etc rather than listen to him try to minimize his actions with but I never stopped loving you. Who gives a flip, you hurt me you jerk now tell me how and why I should continue giving you MY love

[Red123]

I'm not really sure how the poster you are referring to knows what your BF is feeling. People post opinions based on their experience and maybe in that posters experience the WS didn't love them. I think you should judge by your BF actions rather than just the words. I can say that that I have fallen in and out of love with my H a few times over the last 17 years but I have always loved him even after his A. I was actually out of love but still living prior to the A and am now feeling in love again. My H has stated the same. Sometimes when you know that you are going to lose someone your true feelings really come out. My H stated he never really thought of what losing me would be like and when it almost happened he realized how horrible that would be. No one on here can say whether or not he loves you. Only he knows and you will probably know too by actions. I wish you the best with your R.

[Arieswoman]

HelloLvsdogs,

I am sorry you are in a bad place at the moment.

 

You say you are "still in the relationship" but later on you say "I have moved on". Where do you really see yourself?

 

If any reconciliation is to work then the WS (him)needs to take total responsibility for their actions and commit to working on the relationship full-time.

 

He said his own personal issues, his low self-esteem, and his craving for attention among other things were what drove him to connect emotionally with others.

^^^^^^^^^^

Has he taken steps to deal with this?

 

In addition the injured party (you) needs to work towards forgiving him for what he did and be prepared to move forward.

 

All this will need 100% committment from both sides, and you will need to enlist the help of counselling - both individually and as a couple.

 

 

Good Luck.

[Zenstudent]

I was also told by my wife that she never stopped loving me during her LTA, I concluded like Gettingstronger, that this is not the kind of love that I want, and that I could return love by acting the same. I wonder how that would feel. But today I also understand what she meant - she still had feelings for me. It was "just" cake eating at its best.

 

I was on your previous thread as well, and I'm sorry to see that you still struggle with a decision. Here's some things to consider further:

 

* It doesn't have to be a lifetime decission, you know. Nothing is carved in stone. You may change your mind later on, no matter what you choose. If you choose to leave though, it may be a bit more difficult if he chooses to move on, but then it wasn't meant to be in the first place, right?

 

* Try not to let your emotions run the show on their own. Also use a little bit of logic and common sense. He has shown his face, shown what he's capable of. You need to decide whether you believe he can do it again or if he has learned from the experience and truly changed his inner core and fundamental beliefs.

 

* On the flip side of the logic perspective, statistics tells you, that if you find a new partner, you'll have 50% risk to be cheated on again (give and take a few). Will you be able to beat the odds?

 

* How important is it to not be cheated on again? Will you live or die? Did you grow from the experience as well?

 

* Which role does fear play? Is it fear that dictates your wish to stay with him? Or is it fear that tells you to move on because you're afraid of being betrayed again? Do you fear that it's hard to find a new partner given age? Think about it, adress your fear.

 

* Do you wanna have kids with him, or are you both past that?

 

I guess I made your decission a lot easier with this - have you tried therapy?

[fellini]

"I love you but not in love with you" is a bit of a cliche, and like all cliches can easily be emptied of meaning and significance.

 

Sometimes it can be "i prefer the thrill of new love im getting from my AP" over the solid secure love im getting from our mature relationship"

 

Its about comparing two kinds of chemicals operating at the same time

a nd yeah, how is a solid safe secure committed relationship going to compare with erotic desire and mystery and secrecy IF we only consider the chemical highs produced by each?

 

If we actually compare the relationship, chances our, we really wanted the safer option because basically that is where all real relationships end up!

 

For this reason we see huge 180 turns in WS who wake up and prefer to smell the coffee in the matrimonial home than the one from the coffee machine down the hall of their seedy motel.

[Spectre]

At the end of the day if you are in love with someone you will not betray them in such an epic manner. It might sound silly, but there it is. It does not mean you have no love in your heart for them though. It just means you lack the kind of love it takes to make a lasting relationship work.

[jnel921]

Quote [""I look at other posts on here, and I am encouraged by people who are still working it out or appear to be in a better stronger relationship. If cheating truly meant the other wasn't in love, why would anyone try and work it out? .""]

 

 

I don't know if I can agree with you on that? I have R with my H but I still have a tough time believing he "loved" me during his infidelity as he says.

 

Sometimes people want to stay in relationships due to convenience or monetary reasons. Nothing to do with love. I believe that all comes out in the end and eventually the M is doomed to fail if that is the case.

 

You should know him well enough to know what he wants.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Personally, my view on forgiveness has changed over the course of my life....or more accurately, I have learned that sometimes forgiveness is simply a bridge too far. I have however, learned acceptance. Forgiveness, is reserved for those that earn it. I move on regardless if it is forgiveness or acceptance.

 

You get to decide if your partner is worth the investment.

 

As far as loving you during the affair. What I think most/all can agree on, is that he was not acting in a loving manner.

[Spectre]

That is a very good point to make. Forgiveness is a very good thing for people to do, but yes sometimes there is a line you just do not cross. What this line is tends to vary, but for most people I've found cheating is definitely something that crosses it.