glindia3 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 First time here... so hello everyone! Hoping to get some honest advice... I recently met a guy (about two weeks ago) at a bar. Now, I don't like meeting people at bars. And a lot of them are only into ONE thing. And that's not something I'm searching for. I'm looking for a meaningful relationship. Nevertheless, I was at a bar with my friends and this guy smiled at me and I smiled back. Eventually he bought me a drink and we started talking. Turns out we had a ton in common and we ended up talking for HOURS. We actually closed the bar. I asked for his number, and he gave it. Then he asked if he could see me the following Saturday. I said yes. The next two days I didn't hear from him at all. Finally I texted him asking where he'd like to go on Saturday and he texted me back with some plans. He said he was really looking forward to it. But his texting habits are a little different than other guys I've dated. I don't think he has initiated a text with me ONCE. And when I do text him it takes him anywhere from an hour to 12 hours to get back to me. He did mention he isn't hooked on his phone at all times, so maybe that's why. Anyways, our date went super well. We ended up going to breakfast the next morning as well. No, we didn't have sex. He just passed out on my couch. But we closed another bar because we just couldn't stop talking. We kissed, held hands, all of that. I told him that I had a really great time and he said, "Yeah, I did too! I really hope to see you again soon." (And that was weird to me as well, because I'm used to guys who are interested in dating me actually asking when they can see me next). A few days went by and I didn't hear a word from him. So finally two nights ago I texted him and casually asked if he wanted to go to dinner at Casablanca (an indian restaurant in town that we had been talking about on our date). He said, "Yeah I think I can make that work. But how about we go to this pizza restaurant I've been dying to go to and we go to Casablanca another night?" So we went. Had an amazing time. Talked and talked. He kissed me when he got to the restaurant, and kissed me when leaving. I texted him afterwards and said, "I had a really great time, and I'd love to see you again. Give me a message if you're interested in going out again sometime." And he wrote a text back saying, "I had a great time too. We should definitely make a point of going out again. Will do :)" And that is the last I've heard from him. He doesn't initiate anything. Texts, or dates other than our first. But when we go out he kisses me and we have an amazing time. So what's his deal? Is he playing hard to get? Is he not interested? Perhaps he's just really independent? I don't really know how to proceed other than just to stop texting him for awhile and see if he initiates anything. If, after a week, I haven't heard from him then I'll consider him not interested. Thoughts?
lovebirds Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I think your observations seem right, so wait it out for a bit! Good luck.
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Well - this sounds exactly like my situation, except I'm the guy and she's the girl. But I'm initiating phone calls/texts. We've been dating for a couple of months, so she should feel comfortable suggesting things too. What i can tell you is that there could be a couple of reasons. The first is he does like you and he's a bit shy and doesn't want to come on too strong. This is my guess. The second is that he is just a passive/unaware guy who may not know the right protocol. I do think he's interested. Don't play games - if you like him and your time together is amazing...text him. Don't lose him because he doesn't initiate (unless that makes the relationship not work for you). While I expect the man to make plans, particularly early while dating someone - I would expect an occasional text from her, uninitiated. Or not waiting hours to return texts. I thought about just waiting for her to initiate, but always got cold feet - felt like it was a game and she might think I'm losing interest. I said, screw it - I like her..I'm going to make it known and keep initiating contact. For awhile it would get frustrating by the lack of response from her sometimes and I wondered if she was interested. But every time we get together..things are amazing and fun. I finally gotten to the point where I shrug it off, accept it as that's who she is via text/calls. I know when we are together everything is great. Now - we are two months in. If this goes on for six months, I'd change my mind..maybe. But I enjoy her too much and we have too much fun together to let the non-direct communication get in the way.
stillafool Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 He's not interested in more. You are the one who has initiated all contact since you met him right down to asking for his phone number. He probably does have fun when he's with you but doesn't see it going further. He may be the type who lives in the moment and then moves on. Who knows he may also be involved with someone else. Please don't contact him again because chasing him will turn him off. Let him contact you the next time if there is one. 2
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I totally disagree. He may have less interest..but he has interest. I don't understand this whole 'don't contact him/her' mentality. That's the only sure way to not have another date. I've played it very cool in the past too. I can see a shy guy or one who doesn't want to come on too strong doing that. Fool - you say it will turn him off if she contacts him? What does she lose by contacting him. If she doesn't....nothing will happen. If they truly had a great time together...then it's a win. At the very least, if they go out again..have a talk about it.
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 He is not interested, you are not on his mind. When you contact him in his head it goes: Oh ok why not. I have dated plenty of shy men and they know how to show interest. It's engraved in men's DNA to pursue, the shy ones included, they're not arrogant, they are clumsy but they do show interest! Don't sleep with him if you don't wanna have to start another thread titled 'we slept together and now he's not returning my text'. 6
thecrucible Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Don't sleep with him if you don't wanna have to start another thread titled 'we slept together and now he's not returning my text'. Totally agree. In all situations like this, I just back out completely because I can't be bothered wasting time with no-hopers. Whenever I've gone against my judgement, turns out my instincts were right all along. I have another point to make. On another thread, someone made a very good observation that a guy is on his best behaviour in the early stages. So if this is him at his best, how much better is he going to get? If you end up in a relationship, it'll be one where you'll be doing all the work. And really you don't want that. You want a guy to sweep you off your feet. I wouldn't directly ask him about it. I would stop initiating and see what he does about it. EDIT: The guy probably isn't thinking much about it. He probably thinks you're both having good chats/fun together and since you're happy to go along with that, then it's not anything to be concerned about, whether there are any expectations there on your side. Edited April 3, 2014 by thecrucible 1
clia Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Yep, he has fun with you, but doesn't think about you other than that. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but it does mean (IMO) that he isn't looking for a relationship with you or anything serious. If you contact him and he has nothing else to do, he'll go out with you. Otherwise, he will make other plans. You have initiated everything. IMO, a man who is interested in a woman will reach out to her. He will call her. He will text her. He will make plans to see her. He will lock her down for Saturday night to make sure some other guy doesn't do it first. This guy is beyond passive. I do not think you should contact him again. If he contacts you, great. If you don't hear from him for four or five days, consider it done.
KatZee Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 You haven't given him one inch of room to pursue you. Guys DO NOT play hard to get. They're either interested, or they aren't. You need to pull back 100%. Do not text him. Do not ask him to go out with you. Nothing. When you start relationships you need to let men do all the leg work. Then you will see very clearly if the guy is into you... or if he isn't. A guy who isn't texting you, isn't calling you, isn't asking you to get together... is not interested in you. He may think you're a good time, something to occupy his time right now, you're nice enough, but at this point, that's all it is. If you want to see where you stand, go silent on him completely. Fall off his radar. One of two things is going to happen: 1. He eventually reaches out and asks you out 2. You never hear from him again. Then you're going to learn one of two things: 1. He's a lazy dater 2. He was never all that interested. 3
Author glindia3 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks all! I've decided to let him come to ME. So I will not be texting him, etc for a week. I figure if I haven't even heard from him by Sunday night then he wasn't interested 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I think the point is her contacting him all the time is making her the bloke and he's playing lady! Your date probably has a great time with you but let's face it you don't want someone who doesn't make any effort for you. He's either lazy or he's not as interested in you as you think. Sorry op x
Author glindia3 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Actually, funny enough, he refuses to let me pay for ANYTHING when we go on dates. Pulls out my chair, makes me put my money away, carries my leftovers, walks me to my car even if it's the complete opposite direction of where he has parked. So he actually has been a complete and utter gentleman when we're on dates. It's just the total lack of initiating texts or plans...
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Actually, funny enough, he refuses to let me pay for ANYTHING when we go on dates. Pulls out my chair, makes me put my money away, carries my leftovers, walks me to my car even if it's the complete opposite direction of where he has parked. So he actually has been a complete and utter gentleman when we're on dates. It's just the total lack of initiating texts or plans... Isn't that just basic manners? - at least the men around me are taught to do that regardless of who the lady is.
Author glindia3 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Isn't that just basic manners? - at least the men around me are taught to do that regardless of who the lady is. Good point. I guess I've dated my fair share of duds. So I didn't think this to be 'normal.'
Iguanna Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I'd tell him that I feel uncomfortable me suggesting dates all the times and ask him what the matter is, why he doesn't text me first or ask me out first. I don't understand why we want to play games ("I'll stop contacting him and see what happens") instead of being honest. If you can't express what is bothering you in a relationship then what is the point in being in one?
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) Thanks all! I've decided to let him come to ME. So I will not be texting him, etc for a week. I figure if I haven't even heard from him by Sunday night then he wasn't interested I would not reply to a man contacting me on a Sunday night. What's the point? The weekend is over. His communication would just be to give you just enough to keep you on the back burner. I went on a date with a man about 4 weeks ago, he cancelled our second date because of a snow storm, completely justified by the way. The thing is he let 4 weeks go by before contacting me again!! I told him *sorry I started seeing someone else*...who does he think he is? I am not some kind of filler for his down time, you get my point? If this guy contacts you in + 1 week that does not make him genuinely interested. Edited April 4, 2014 by Gaeta 4
Author glindia3 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) I've only known this guy for a little more than 2 weeks. I think doing something like that, right now, would come on WAY too strong. Just my thoughts. This is in response to Iguanna Edited April 4, 2014 by glindia3
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I'd tell him that I feel uncomfortable me suggesting dates all the times and ask him what the matter is, why he doesn't text me first or ask me out first. I don't understand why we want to play games ("I'll stop contacting him and see what happens") instead of being honest. If you can't express what is bothering you in a relationship then what is the point in being in one? This is the Best way to turn a man off. Him and her are not in a relationship. They had a couple of dates that's all. 2
Tassie devil Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 First time here... so hello everyone! Hoping to get some honest advice... I recently met a guy (about two weeks ago) at a bar. Now, I don't like meeting people at bars. And a lot of them are only into ONE thing. And that's not something I'm searching for. I'm looking for a meaningful relationship. Nevertheless, I was at a bar with my friends and this guy smiled at me and I smiled back. Eventually he bought me a drink and we started talking. Turns out we had a ton in common and we ended up talking for HOURS. We actually closed the bar. I asked for his number, and he gave it. Then he asked if he could see me the following Saturday. I said yes. The next two days I didn't hear from him at all. Finally I texted him asking where he'd like to go on Saturday and he texted me back with some plans. He said he was really looking forward to it. But his texting habits are a little different than other guys I've dated. I don't think he has initiated a text with me ONCE. And when I do text him it takes him anywhere from an hour to 12 hours to get back to me. He did mention he isn't hooked on his phone at all times, so maybe that's why. Anyways, our date went super well. We ended up going to breakfast the next morning as well. No, we didn't have sex. He just passed out on my couch. But we closed another bar because we just couldn't stop talking. We kissed, held hands, all of that. I told him that I had a really great time and he said, "Yeah, I did too! I really hope to see you again soon." (And that was weird to me as well, because I'm used to guys who are interested in dating me actually asking when they can see me next). A few days went by and I didn't hear a word from him. So finally two nights ago I texted him and casually asked if he wanted to go to dinner at Casablanca (an indian restaurant in town that we had been talking about on our date). He said, "Yeah I think I can make that work. But how about we go to this pizza restaurant I've been dying to go to and we go to Casablanca another night?" So we went. Had an amazing time. Talked and talked. He kissed me when he got to the restaurant, and kissed me when leaving. I texted him afterwards and said, "I had a really great time, and I'd love to see you again. Give me a message if you're interested in going out again sometime." And he wrote a text back saying, "I had a great time too. We should definitely make a point of going out again. Will do :)" And that is the last I've heard from him. He doesn't initiate anything. Texts, or dates other than our first. But when we go out he kisses me and we have an amazing time. So what's his deal? Is he playing hard to get? Is he not interested? Perhaps he's just really independent? I don't really know how to proceed other than just to stop texting him for awhile and see if he initiates anything. If, after a week, I haven't heard from him then I'll consider him not interested. Thoughts? I think he wants you be calling then he is near guaranteed a date or sex
twinkly84 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I think by his signs of not initiating any form of contact show that he is just simply not interested in you. Sorry to sound so brash but, if he was "that" interested, he would've take the time & initiate any form of contact. 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) Absolutely agree...WAY too strong and slightly desperate. Like others have posted, lay low and let him make the next move. My last relationship started off with me initiating the meetups. After a few weeks. I pulled back and he started chasing..HARD. So, if he's really interested, he will come to you. I've only known this guy for a little more than 2 weeks. I think doing something like that, right now, would come on WAY too strong. Just my thoughts. This is in response to Iguanna Edited April 4, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove
Iguanna Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 This is the Best way to turn a man off. Him and her are not in a relationship. They had a couple of dates that's all. If honesty (in a nice and polite way, I'm not saying she starts screaming or something) turns him down, then obviously this is not a man I'd want for myself. If he is such a jerk, isn't it better to let him show it early on? They had a couple of dates but in these dates they were not exactly acting friendly.
martaldn Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 men like to hunt. its a fact and you need to make yourself less available to his eyes.. I know it sounds like a game but that is the nature of the courtship.. i am in a similar situation just now with a potential date where I am realizing I am doing all the talk and making the plans and he is just positively responding but he is not making any step towards me because I am doing all the steps towards him. SO, now I have just cancelled the last messages and I wont going to contact him again or ask him out unless he does. I know its not spontaneous but until now I didnt get anything from being too much myself so its time for me to play a bit the hard to get. leave things still for a bit and see if he contacts you. only in this way you will know if he is really interested in you and in a something more.. good luck
Author glindia3 Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 men like to hunt. its a fact and you need to make yourself less available to his eyes.. I know it sounds like a game but that is the nature of the courtship.. i am in a similar situation just now with a potential date where I am realizing I am doing all the talk and making the plans and he is just positively responding but he is not making any step towards me because I am doing all the steps towards him. SO, now I have just cancelled the last messages and I wont going to contact him again or ask him out unless he does. I know its not spontaneous but until now I didnt get anything from being too much myself so its time for me to play a bit the hard to get. leave things still for a bit and see if he contacts you. only in this way you will know if he is really interested in you and in a something more.. good luck It's nice to know I'm not alone with this type of situation. You'll have to let me know how yours goes. I'll do the same 1
martaldn Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It's nice to know I'm not alone with this type of situation. You'll have to let me know how yours goes. I'll do the same I keep u posted!!
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