Mrin Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) I guess some would call me old fashioned. Others say respectful and some even chivalrous. Chivalry is a mindset first and foremost. But the obvious manifestation of that mindset are the gestures and behavioral difference that go along with it. By the way, this only pertains to women in social settings. Business behavior is entirely different. This is what I do: 1. Open the door for her: I pretty much do this all the time 2. Pull out her chair: Most of the time - situational where appropriate 3. Rise when a lady leaves/comes to the table: Most of the time - situational where appropriate 4. Take her coat/Help her put it on: Situational where appropriate 5. Bus the table (e.g. throw stuff away or remove plates and utensils: Always. 6. Let her walk in front of me: Always. She is either walking next to me or ahead of me. Unless we're hiking. 7. Pay the bill: I always pay the bill on the first date or first few dates. 8. Body positioning: When we walk on the street I will always be on the side between her and traffic or people. Or if she is carrying a purse or a bag I will tend to be on that side. Same with crossing the street - i'm on the side where the traffic is coming from. 9. Hand on small of back: This is very situational but in formal settings or cocktail parties I will do this out of habit. 10. Proffer my arm: Also in formal or slippery situations. Honestly, this is all so automatic that I don't notice I am doing it. So I'm curious, what do other men do? I also would love to hear any thoughts from women on the subject. Edited April 3, 2014 by Mrin 13
GorillaTheater Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I do most of this stuff, including opening a door for a woman regardless of situation. I don't let her walk in front of me, though, even though I might like the view. I'm not sure I get that, and I wonder what your reasoning is. Is it the view? 3
Author Mrin Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Oh ya, forgot one, I open/close the car door if she's a passenger. I do that most of the time. Walking in front of me: Well, the view is pretty great but I guess it would just seem disrespectful to walk in front of her unless the situation called for it - e.g. crowdsplitting. Oh here is one for the chivalry-heads out there: revolving doors. What do you do? I finally got an answer from a protocol officer in DC. If the door is automated, the lady goes first. If the door is not automated, the man goes first so she doesn't have to push. 1
SmartDude Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I don’t mind chivalry. I enjoy treating a woman right. The issues arise when a woman has heard to many fairy princess stories as a little girl growing up. Then it is expected that I sacrifice my own happiness for her benefit.
carhill Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I used to do all of that but gave most of it up when my exW told me to stop. #4 wasn't a problem for her so I'd often bus the table/do the dishes, but not to the extent that I was 'stealing her work'. I guess you could term me a reformed chilvalrist, though I don't think that's a word. 1
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I'm curious too. The door thing I do for any woman. But I sometimes feel awkward with opening the car door for her, since that doesn't seem to be customary anymore. I've done it for the first couple of months dating - I also wonder if at some point it becomes more 'weird' than normal. Keep in mind - I think age matters. So I'm 41...she's 36. I think chivalry is important - but there are so social norms. And some women, without even being feminist, may be uncomfortable with things like opening the car door. And for the record - she gets out before I can open it when we are in the car (except at the end of the night when we are saying our good nights).
Silver93 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I am 20 and I always try to act chivalrous to women. Not many my age that I know do the same though. 2
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I enjoy a car door being open for me when we get to the car but when we arrive I don't wait for him to walk around the car to open the door. You can add this one. On our 2nd or 3rd date my boyfriend walked me to my car. I had a parking ticket. He grabbed it and said he would take care of it. He did not even want me to look at it. 4
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I offer chivalry if they earn it. You get respect when you earn it. I think you should respect people till they give you a reason not to. 14
Author Mrin Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 I enjoy a car door being open for me when we get to the car but when we arrive I don't wait for him to walk around the car to open the door. You can add this one. On our 2nd or 3rd date my boyfriend walked me to my car. I had a parking ticket. He grabbed it and said he would take care of it. He did not even want me to look at it. Ya, the car door thing I only do when she's getting in. Getting out is tough unless it is a really formal occasion. On the parking ticket - well played by your BF! Masterful. 2
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Yeah - it's awkward to wait for me to get out and come around. Though, at the end of the night..she typically waits (this was particularly good after the first couple of dates) for me to get her out. Gives me reason to say good night and kiss/hug. I don't walk her to her door - but definitely wait until she gets in. As for the parking ticket - hmmm...I think that would depend on the woman and how long you've been dating. I could see that coming on a little strong - unless, of course it is your boyfriend. Edited April 3, 2014 by TheNewMe2014
Phoe Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I thin chivalry is sweet and I really appreciate it. My boyfriend does all the things listed except for rising when I come to the table. Never even crossed my mind. My boyfriend also opens and closes the door when I'm the driver. Whether I'm driver, passenger, arriving or leaving, he gets the door. I never touch my truck door anymore lol 1
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 As for the parking ticket - hmmm...I think that would depend on the woman and how long you've been dating. I could see that coming on a little strong - unless, of course it is your boyfriend. At that time he was not my official boyfriend yet. I think he felt responsible because that date was in his area, I was not familiar with his part of town, I had such a hard time finding parking when I got there so when he saw the ticket he did not even hesitate.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I love it and am not at all interested in men who aren't at least moderately chivalrous. 6
kodakgirl Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Looooooove!!! I think these kinds of little gestures are really, really sweet. I'm 26 and independent but old-fashioned in this way. It's a part of the dance. Plus I've found the men who act chivalrous like doing it--why would a woman take that away from him? My friend's boyfriend always wanted to carry her bags but she always refused and I could always tell he felt disappointed and a bit hurt. I don't need a man to carry my bags and I'm not bothered if he doesn't, but if he wants to, I'll let him (the last fellow I dated wanted to carry a bag I had that only had strawberries in it--almost silly, but adorable ). I always notice these things, too-- I notice when a fellow wants to walk on the street side or he pulls out my chair even just a little. I am incredibly attracted to gentlemanly behaviour. And I want to mooooore than make up for it. Edited April 3, 2014 by kodakgirl 5
pteromom Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Love it. Most of the stuff on the list isn't necessary, but it is very appreciated, and makes a man more attractive. 2
Phoe Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Looooooove!!! I think these kinds of little gestures are really, really sweet. I'm 26 and independent but old-fashioned in this way. It's a part of the dance. Plus I've found the men who act chivalrous like doing it--why would a woman take that away from him? My friend's boyfriend always wanted to carry her bags but she always refused and I could always tell he felt disappointed and a bit hurt. I don't need a man to carry my bags and I'm not bothered if he doesn't, but if he wants to, I'll let him (the last fellow I dated wanted to carry a bag I had that only had strawberries in it--almost silly, but adorable ). I always notice these things, too-- I notice when a fellow wants to walk on the street side or he pulls out my chair even just a little. I am incredibly attracted to gentlemanly behaviour. And I want to mooooore than make up for it. It took me some getting used to haha We go grocery shopping and he wants to carry all 5 heavy bags, won't let me carry a single one, then still insists on opening my door with his hands full of bags. Bless his heart <3 4
TAV Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Looooooove!!! I think these kinds of little gestures are really, really sweet. I'm 26 and independent but old-fashioned in this way. It's a part of the dance. Plus I've found the men who act chivalrous like doing it--why would a woman take that away from him? My friend's boyfriend always wanted to carry her bags but she always refused and I could always tell he felt disappointed and a bit hurt. I don't need a man to carry my bags and I'm not bothered if he doesn't, but if he wants to, I'll let him (the last fellow I dated wanted to carry a bag I had that only had strawberries in it--almost silly, but adorable ). I always notice these things, too-- I notice when a fellow wants to walk on the street side or he pulls out my chair even just a little. I am incredibly attracted to gentlemanly behaviour. And I want to mooooore than make up for it. First time I was in my bf's country we met in London since that was easiest for me. I'd packed an enormous suitcase (what can I say; I wanted to dress to impress ) and we had to travel from one side of London to the other by tube. He dragged my suitcase up and down many stairs for me and dragged it through London. These days I bring a much smaller case since I have stuff at his place but he still carries it for me. He also does not let me carry any shopping etc. :love: 3
kodakgirl Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 It took me some getting used to haha We go grocery shopping and he wants to carry all 5 heavy bags, won't let me carry a single one, then still insists on opening my door with his hands full of bags. Bless his heart <3 First time I was in my bf's country we met in London since that was easiest for me. I'd packed an enormous suitcase (what can I say; I wanted to dress to impress ) and we had to travel from one side of London to the other by tube. He dragged my suitcase up and down many stairs for me and dragged it through London. These days I bring a much smaller case since I have stuff at his place but he still carries it for me. He also does not let me carry any shopping etc. :love: Awwwwwwww! I generally don't accept help with things easily, I always insist I'm fine carrying whatever if a friend or family asks (even if I'm not), but I've realized a man wanting to carry stuff for you means something different... My ex once flat-out said "let me be a man" when I was protesting against him carrying something, and I think that's what it is for chivalry-minded men-- they can feel both sweet and totally manly doing it. I'm happy to help out
TAV Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Awwwwwwww! I generally don't accept help with things easily, I always insist I'm fine carrying whatever if a friend or family asks (even if I'm not), but I've realized a man wanting to carry stuff for you means something different... My ex once flat-out said "let me be a man" when I was protesting against him carrying something, and I think that's what it is for chivalry-minded men-- they can feel both sweet and totally manly doing it. I'm happy to help out Ooh, I'm totally a 'sisters are doing it for themselves' type of gal. He knows I am, admires it and my strength is one of the reasons he fell in love with me. He is very independent himself too. But like I want to look after him, he wants to look after me. And I'm not the nurturing type either in general life 1
InnocentMan Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 The problem with chivalry, is you have to keep it up for the entire duration of the relationship. Otherwise, as soon as you slip up, the women reads all sorts of non-existent things into it. Things like the dude paying for that parking ticket are strokes of genius, and much more memorable. I would also dispute that chivalry makes a man more attractive. Maybe with a lady of a certain age, but a younger one probably wont even notice. Nobody stands up when a lady leaves the table anymore, unless said lady is the Queen.
regine_phalange Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 This is my achilles' heel. There isn't a more wonderful creature on earth than a deeply and truly kind, chivalrous man. 7
Silly_Girl Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Yeah, don't like it. I like manners, really rate them. I like women being polite and men being polite. I don't like behaviour that suggests I'm fragile, or incapable or in need. If there's a physical difference that means I need help to carry/do something, I'll ask, or accept an offer of help. But I don't need that help on the basis of my being without a penis, IYSWIM. 3
xxoo Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 The problem with chivalry, is you have to keep it up for the entire duration of the relationship. What's wrong with that? We've been married a long time, and we both try to keep up the "courting" rituals that keep things warm and intimate. Our money is combined, so him "paying" is more just him doing the work of handling the check, but he still does it. Opening the car door disappeared a while back, but reappears whenever we have a "date" without the kids. Once kids are in the picture, wrangling little ones into the car takes priority over chivalry. 6
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