hackney Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Hi, 39 year old guy here, with an 8-yo daughter who splits her time between me and her mom. I'm interested in dating and am exploring options. Background: I have had three girlfriends in my life (including daughter's mom I never married). I never dated in high school or college. Basically, I have very little dating experience. The three girlfriends I've had, it felt like magic to experience a casual conversation turn into a romantic connection. I'm good at striking up a conversation and can meet women that way. But, these days, I don't meet a lot of women. I see a lot of women out and about. But, walking up to a woman randomly, interrupting her work at Starbucks, for example, is not really comfortable for me. If she is sitting next to me at a bar, then I will strike up a conversation. That situation doesn't happen a lot. I live in a big city in the northeast. There is a part of town where there are a lot of single women going out, but I find that they communicate with males in cynical ways. I don't know how else to describe it. Maybe words like 'chase' or 'banter' (very specific banter) describe it. It's like they talk to males (and males talk to them) in some kind of coded, 'dating' language. I find it abrasive and unenjoyable. It goes over my head, and I am straightforward guy. I like connecting with people genuinely, like how I connect with new friends, neighbors, or that sweet 80-year-old lady down the street. I'm a good-looking, fit guy. Very social. Fashionable. When I tell people my lack of dating experience, they give me a once over and tell me they don't believe it. I've tried taking classes to meet women. No luck there, and it is a lot of $$$ and time commitment for a class, who knows who will be in the class. Online dating takes me considerable amount of work for very little in return. I have no religious background. From watching TV, a church type of setting may suit me. But I don't know anything about religion. I am also not conservative in any sense of the word. Any tips on: (1) How else to go about dating, (2) Types of women that would suit me (e.g. where to find then).
Author hackney Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 bump - Hoping someone might have some advice or different way of thinking that might be helpful...
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Why do you find OLD takes a considerable amount of work for a low return? I've found the complete opposite to be true. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Find singles groups focused around something you care about. I joined one called Leashes & Lovers so I could bring my dog. There are some that run wine tastings, others let you play golf, there's a ski club around here that is very popular. MeetUp.com is a great way to get involved with like minded people. Try speed dating. There's a group called It's Just Lunch. That works much better in cities like where you live.
PegNosePete Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 You sound very much like me in almost every way (apart from daughter). Online dating takes me considerable amount of work for very little in return. This is not my experience AT ALL! Sure it takes work to get good photos and a good profile but I've found it very much worth it. Every time I've wanted a date for the weekend, I've got one... at first that meant every weekend for a couple of months, now it's a bit less since I am busy with other things. They have all been attractive, interesting women. Another thing to try is meetup groups. If you have some hobbies then look for groups that specialize in those rather than generic "social" groups. I joined an under 40's hiking group and it's excellent. The vast majority of members are single and there's usually more women than men. You've instantly got a shared interest and topic of conversation.
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Last survey showed that 70% of single people are online. If you are not on there then you are discarding the most popular and productive way of meeting. You may not like it but nowadays that's how it is. For 5 years I was single and not online. I am a very attractive woman, active social life but I don't do clubs and bars and NO one ever approached me during those years. It's different nowadays, you have to accept it.
Author hackney Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 Thanks. I tried a couple of meet up groups a while ago, but found it an 'odd' crowd. Maybe it was the activity I picked. I don't ski, but I do like hiking, and the season is starting. Maybe I can give Meetup another try. Online...I've tried it on a few occasions. Lots of outgoing emails, good profile, very, very few dates...two to be exact. I had a few friends look at my profile and emails. They thought they were fine. One friend said it was a numbers game and just to 'keep at it.' Another friend (ex-gf) though online might be difficult for me as people filter on race (south Asia ethnic heritage). Who knows... But, I found the experience a LOT of work and frankly a little depressing, getting few responses while others seemingly get lots of dates. I LOVE bars and clubs, and I love to dance, and I love dance music. But, I find the whole 'pick up' element...that type of social interaction...off-putting. MeetUp may indeed be a good option.
PegNosePete Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I do like hiking, and the season is starting. Maybe I can give Meetup another try. Yeah give it another go. Try lots of different groups until you find one you like. good profile, very, very few dates...two to be exact. I had a few friends look at my profile and emails. They thought they were fine. Online dating is all about the profile and the pics. If you have good ones then you will get dates. Of course your friends thought it was fine, they are your friends, they know you already and are biased. There are profile review forums on many dating sites, I'd give them a visit, many experienced and successful people can give you an unbiased (and very honest!) opinion. Everyone THINKS they have a good profile... but a good profile is not necessarily what you'd expect..... One friend said it was a numbers game and just to 'keep at it.' To an extent yes, you can't please all of the people all of the time. Many profiles may be inactive, unused, etc. But you can't simply carpet-bomb with a crappy profile and expect results. If you're not getting good results then it IS your profile and pics that are the problem, I guarantee you! If you want to link/post it here we can take a look for you. But don't get offended if we rip it to pieces, we're only trying to help
Tressugar Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 It seems like every eligible single woman I know has found their dates on Facebook. Or you could try your hand in meeting other like-minded singles through Meetup.com. GL!
Author hackney Posted April 4, 2014 Author Posted April 4, 2014 There is an honest. reputable matchmaker in town. I did my homework and narrowed it down to her. We chatted about me and my lifestyle. She requested photos of my two recent ex-gfs. She decided not to take me on as a client. She said it would be too difficult of a search for her. She said I am open in terms of race, education level, job type...yea, I just don't care about that stuff. But, I have a child, and I don't want another child. I will go out with someone who already has a child, but I have and enjoy a lot of freedom, 50% time without my child. I like clubs, nightlife, and international travel. My ex-gfs are also very attractive people generally. I find the idea of dating 'leagues' distasteful, but I do want to meet someone that I personally find attractive. The matchmaker was confident that I could find someone, she just wasn't confident that she could locate enough dates for me. I NEVER thought of Facebook. All my local FB friends know I am single, but I am not from around here originally. Closer friends here are all transplants planning to move on. But 80% of my FB friends are from different cities in different parts of the world. I don't have a 'tight' circle of locally-based friends. I guess the key may be trying a variety of different venues at the same time, including online dating and Meetups. Bars and clubs are probably no good. I am just not a pick-up-artist kind of personality. I don't like the intense banter of pick-up scenes or wild parties. I am not a spineless "nice guy" but I am actually a nice guy, and I like positive vibes and genuineness. The whole process is also NOT FUN for me. Some people find this kind of thing really fun. I want to find a partner and be done with it. I don't enjoy dating, I really don't. Perhaps a bad attitude that I need to change, but an opinion that probably won't.
Phantom888 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I am exactly your age, and live in a big city (Los Angeles). OLD has given me a huge pool of opportunities. I had more dates, encounters, sex and experiences than I could ever get than if I were to meet people in real life. You are far better off doing OLD. You also need to give it time, and really beef up your online profile.
thecrucible Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 The whole process is also NOT FUN for me. Some people find this kind of thing really fun. I want to find a partner and be done with it. I don't enjoy dating, I really don't. Perhaps a bad attitude that I need to change, but an opinion that probably won't. Me too. I have to take regular breaks because I get tired out by it at certain points. So I do it for a month on; month off...sort of thing. It was fine for me to begin with, but after a few years, you start to appreciate what it might feel like to have a regular partner and to not have to date again. But then you don't want to date anyone for the sake of it so it's an endless cycle. I'm going to snap up the first eligible guy who's a good person, shares some interests with me, who I have some sexual chemistry with, and who makes an effort with me. That's hard to find though.
Author hackney Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 I open to any age, but I like fun and attractive and fun generally. OK. Maybe online it is. I just...between no responses and being interviewed, I got turned off. I didn't feel fun or organic. But, again, maybe it's an attitude. I know LA well and I LOVE LA. I'm in Boston. It is by far the most conservative place I've ever lived. Hard to meet people. I make friends and meet people very easily in LA. Former home is London. I lived in the midwest, and I found that way more friendly and fun than Boston. Fine line between attitude and preference sometimes, but here I think it really is just my own personal preference. My recent ex-gf was very 'local', from a small town nearby and Downtown Boston was her Gold Standard her whole life, and she's never lived anywhere else. That was major disconnect. I am exactly your age, and live in a big city (Los Angeles). OLD has given me a huge pool of opportunities. I had more dates, encounters, sex and experiences than I could ever get than if I were to meet people in real life. You are far better off doing OLD. You also need to give it time, and really beef up your online profile.
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