Frankie L Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Its been 3 months since me and my ex has broken up. We were together for 1 1/2 years. It has not been plain sailing since the split and have gone through many ups and downs.. LC/NC, literally everything. She is now seeing someone else... nothing official but has been doing so maybe 2 weeks after our split. I was into NC and doing really well enjoying myself and carrying on with my life. I loved this girl to pieces and our break up was one of the hardest things i've ever dealt with. The NC ended due to work purposes around 3 weeks ago. We spoke on the phone by chance and that was really it. Since then we have spoke via text and phone (guessing because feelings re emerged) We were taking things fine and as friends, having a laugh and having long phone conversations on the nights. We agreed to meet for a coffee and since the split I have changed alot.. new appearance, confidence and i love it. The first time we met we spoke, mentioned a little about the relationship but didn't get too much into it, we had a laugh talked about general stuff and genuinely got along. I said to her we will have to do this again, its been great and plus we cant let free coffee tokens go to waste. Which she laughed and agreed. We met last Friday as arranged but this time the meeting was much more personal. More direct, and expressive. We had a lovely time and talked about us.. She explained that the new guy she is seeing isn't a patch on me, and whilst his outside may be this good looking hunk his inside really isn't that beautiful and hes not a nice guy, she couldnt fall in love with him, barely sees him and dosent want a relationship. She then dropped the bomb of "I still love you" to which I replied I still loved her we got close and it felt like the first time we ever met. Butterflies, nervous the whole deal! I asked her if we could go for food in the week and she said she would think about it with a grin on her face. I walked her back to work, gave her a kiss on the cheek and a huge hug before dropping a joke and walking away... She text me later that day saying it was lovely too see you.. Left it and went about my weekend, baring in mind the smile could not be wiped off my face I felt so happy..The day after she popped up again asking if I was ok, I spoke to her on the phone and she said things like I miss you, I love being able to talk to you because I can be myself and I feel so comfortable.. This is where it gets worse... I met up with a mutual friend the day after, I explained about this new guy she was meeting. To which she replied "I used to meet him too!! He is an absolute horrible person, he is vulgar, vain man who loves himself and possessive hes a player (is a bouncer). She even told me he tried it on with her a couple of weeks ago when taking her home from the club telling her he loves her and shes beautiful!! The reason for them breaking it off is because he cheated on her multiple times and gets bored of one girl..Unbelievable I spoke to my ex the day after asking if she was still up for food. She replied with "I'm sorry I cannot do it, ive thought about it and as much as I want to I'm seeing someone else at the moment" I was baffled!!! I said so what happened to him being a horrible person and you not liking him?? What was all this about me and you.. She said he is a horrible person but its not fair, i do like him ive been seeing him for 3 months... to which I replied I know he is.. She asked what I meant and I proceeded to tell her everything I had been told the day before.. She reacted angrily and seemed so hurt he had done this to her.. I was gutted because I didnt think she cared about this guy like that!? Why would she act so concerned!? I left her to it and said id contact her the day after to see if she wanted to meet up.. she said thats fine.. I contacted her the day after and asked her, She said I'm sorry I cant do it.. Its just not fair on him is it? i do like him.. Ive spoken to him by the way about these allegations and I know who has told you. I didn't ask any questions and just said OK... I said I didn't even think u liked him like that, I thought u loved me... She said I'm sorry i cannot meet up with you whilst I'm seeing him, I already feel guilty for going for coffee with you..She then proceeded to get defensive and agitated saying im pushing her.. I am baffled.. I just cannot believe it at all I am so gutted, I really thought we were doing well. We both enjoy talking and meeting up and I know I make her happy. I love this girl so much, I haven't got a clue what to do now. Please help Thanks for reading I know it is a long one...
David87 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) USE PHARAGRAPHS NEXT TIME PLEASSSEEE ... Ok, she wanted you as a friend and nothing more, you on the other hand wanted to get back together and ever made scenarios about that. Stop hoping that you will get her back. She told you that she misses you and even that she loves you , but she never told you that she wants to give it another try. Start NC immediately, block her on FB delete her number from your phone and never look back. It's a closed chapter so move on. Edited April 3, 2014 by David87 3
mangetout Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I will have to agree with David. My ex says he still loves me and cares for me but he wont commit. And that he will always love me and always care for me till the day he dies but he still wont commit. Move on fast. Do NC and don't look back unless you hear those magic words " I miss you. I made a mistake. Can we try again" 2
Author Frankie L Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Me and my ex split 3 months ago now. We have recently met up a couple of times for coffee and had really good conversations. She is currently seeing someone however at these meetings she told me she still loved me and that this new guy wasn't a patch on me. She will text me from time to time and we speak maybe 3 times a week. We spoke on the phone this week and I point blank asked her if she had any feelings for me still. She replied with "why are you asking me this again!? You already know the answer to that question!! You know how I feel so why are you stressing me out!! You know I can't say anything while I'm with someone else" when we spoke she explained this new guy is casual dating and he only sees her once a week and that nothing is certified with them.. Yesterday I was informed by a friend that they are now in fact official. I was gutted..I contacted her and asked if that was the case she replied with "well yeah I guess call it whatever you want nothing has changed" I asked her why tell me she still loves me and that he's a bad guy and not a patch on me and then do this. She asks me to stop pressuring her and its non of my business. I say okay then thats fine and hang up.. This is the head messing bit....! I get a phone call back 5 mins later saying..I don't want to upset you but you know what it is with me and the other person you know we've been seeing each other for 3 months and you know how it is..I basically laid it all on a plate to her and made it clear I wanted to reconcile. She then explained "well I have said from the start there is no chance for me and you again" I told her that was fine and that I'm sorry but we can't stay in contact because I just can't get over her like that.. thats when she got defensive and said no no no but we don't have to stop speaking things were going good with us and you always have to stress it out when things are ok.. the only chance me and you have of being together again is by being friends first"...I'm majorly confused. I know it's wrong but I love this girl so much. Any advice please??
somecamel Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Me and my ex split 3 months ago now. We have recently met up a couple of times for coffee and had really good conversations. She is currently seeing someone however at these meetings she told me she still loved me and that this new guy wasn't a patch on me. She will text me from time to time and we speak maybe 3 times a week. We spoke on the phone this week and I point blank asked her if she had any feelings for me still. She replied with "why are you asking me this again!? You already know the answer to that question!! You know how I feel so why are you stressing me out!! You know I can't say anything while I'm with someone else" when we spoke she explained this new guy is casual dating and he only sees her once a week and that nothing is certified with them.. Yesterday I was informed by a friend that they are now in fact official. I was gutted..I contacted her and asked if that was the case she replied with "well yeah I guess call it whatever you want nothing has changed" I asked her why tell me she still loves me and that he's a bad guy and not a patch on me and then do this. She asks me to stop pressuring her and its non of my business. I say okay then thats fine and hang up.. This is the head messing bit....! I get a phone call back 5 mins later saying..I don't want to upset you but you know what it is with me and the other person you know we've been seeing each other for 3 months and you know how it is..I basically laid it all on a plate to her and made it clear I wanted to reconcile. She then explained "well I have said from the start there is no chance for me and you again" I told her that was fine and that I'm sorry but we can't stay in contact because I just can't get over her like that.. thats when she got defensive and said no no no but we don't have to stop speaking things were going good with us and you always have to stress it out when things are ok.. the only chance me and you have of being together again is by being friends first"...I'm majorly confused. I know it's wrong but I love this girl so much. Any advice please?? You've been friend zoned dude:( She's kept you on the boil if things didn't work out with the new guy. Please have some self respect and go NC immediately, delete her from your life, you don't deserve to be treated like this. All you are doing to yourself is prolonging the inevitable, you won't be able to get over her if you're still in contact. 1
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 You've been friend zoned dude:( She's kept you on the boil if things didn't work out with the new guy. Please have some self respect and go NC immediately, delete her from your life, you don't deserve to be treated like this. All you are doing to yourself is prolonging the inevitable, you won't be able to get over her if you're still in contact. Agreed. This girl is using you as plan B. she only wants to see you and talk to you when it is convenient for her. Ditch her and find someone who won't string you along. 1
Author Frankie L Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 I agree with the convenient statement. I haven't heard from her since the last phone call, she knows how much I care about her..I also said to her I know how she feels.. all she could answer is "I know" .. She told me she knows nobody could love her like I do and she knows how much I care about her. I'm willing to give her the space.. but I just don't even know how to approach it if she does contact me. I know I need more self respect. But I love this woman
LadyM Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 You really don't want to be waiting around for a girl who doesn't care for you as you do for her. Major waste of your time. She has manipulated you, keeping you around for backup and an ego boost. Don't give her that power. You absolutely have the strength within yourself to move on. End all contact with her and your self-respect will once again blossom. Go find a girl who will appreciate and love you for the awesome guy that you are! There are only a few billion out there to choose from. 1
Trovador Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 With due respect, show yourself some respect, man... she is with another guy as we speak and you are willing to give her some space, as if you were still in a rs with her and as if she cared... In your case going NC should be easy (going...doing it is hard as hell)... if you find difficult ignoring her, maybe thinking about the stuff they are doing right now might help you...
Author Frankie L Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I know.. I seem to have lost the respect and power since we re initiated contact. I do still love her and since she told me that she loves me too it just seems to have sent me back down again.. We have spoke since and she stated there is no chance for reconciliation I said okay I respect that but would you mind respecting my wishes and understand that I'm not going to be able to talk to you again.. She replied with "we don't have to ruin anything, it was all going fine and we was getting along, the only chance we have of ever getting back together is by taking it slow and being friends" I'm really lost man..it seems to have really messed my head around quite a bit. She knows how much she means to me and that I love her and would do anything for her..I just don't know what to do..
Lifegoezon Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I know.. I seem to have lost the respect and power since we re initiated contact. I do still love her and since she told me that she loves me too it just seems to have sent me back down again.. We have spoke since and she stated there is no chance for reconciliation I said okay I respect that but would you mind respecting my wishes and understand that I'm not going to be able to talk to you again.. She replied with "we don't have to ruin anything, it was all going fine and we was getting along, the only chance we have of ever getting back together is by taking it slow and being friends" I'm really lost man..it seems to have really messed my head around quite a bit. She knows how much she means to me and that I love her and would do anything for her..I just don't know what to do.. Bulls**t. Classic backup plan. Don't fall for it. You do not have to be friends with your ex. She dumped you and has a new guy. Grow a pair and don't offer to be her doormat. She's utterly selfish and manipulative with the threat that her way is the only way you get what you want. She's literally broiling you on the back burner so she can fall back on you when she feels like it. Don't trust that will ever happen anyway. It's ridiculous and scheming to say it's the only chance - there's very little chance but it's not your job to facilitate that. If she ever wants you back she had to come and get you. You do not have to wait around for that. You should not 'do anything' for her - she threw you away! And she has someone new - she's never going to miss you if you stay in the background like a little slave. She's history my friend. You need to implement NC and get on with your life. Do everything for yourself - like she's doing everything for herself. 4
Author Frankie L Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I know man. Getting totally played off here. I spoke to her and she's said there's absolutely no chance of reconciliation. What an absolute waste of emotion...She told me this guy was nothing compared to me, and that she misses me. Its just totally drifted back to how it is. I have been pulled back in.. So difficult now to not contact her. I feel as though her saying friends is the only hope, she has got a hold on me even though I know it shouldn't. I thought I was past all of this. I've done nothing but show and tell her how much I want her and I am willing. Your right it is time for me to go again.. Just finding it a lot more difficult than usual..
somecamel Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I know man. Getting totally played off here. I spoke to her and she's said there's absolutely no chance of reconciliation. What an absolute waste of emotion...She told me this guy was nothing compared to me, and that she misses me. Its just totally drifted back to how it is. I have been pulled back in.. So difficult now to not contact her. I feel as though her saying friends is the only hope, she has got a hold on me even though I know it shouldn't. I thought I was past all of this. I've done nothing but show and tell her how much I want her and I am willing. Your right it is time for me to go again.. Just finding it a lot more difficult than usual.. Don't kid yourself that this is going to be easy, your life is about to change in a dramatic way. You're early days at the moment but the sooner you take the stand and move on with your life the sooner you'll meet someone else that has the respect for you that you deserve. Be strong dude, the only person that can do this is you and you really need to be the man here. Look after yourself, you're the most important person now. You've been split 3 months, she's already moved on but won't let you, she is being selfish and will keep you on the side lines as long as you let her. Vent on here but break off contact now. This means blocking her from all social media and deleting her number and messages off your phone. 1
Author Frankie L Posted April 7, 2014 Author Posted April 7, 2014 I am going to try.. This didnt have to happen again. I thought things were eventually looking up finally again you know? I really appreciate all of your support Last contact I give her was "i hope we can still talk" She hasn't replied. I hate how much control she has over me, its horrible.. It needs to stop now.. What would you advise if she contacts me?
Lifegoezon Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 Are you not listening to anyone here? We've told you already. Break off all contact and all means of contact. Delete. Block. Do not be there if she wants to talk. Do not respond if she contacts you. She doesn't exist. Post here instead of contacting her but stop going over the same ground hoping someone gives you an answer you like. We are always going to say get away from her and move on with YOUR life without her.
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2014 Posted April 7, 2014 I know man. Getting totally played off here. I spoke to her and she's said there's absolutely no chance of reconciliation. What an absolute waste of emotion...She told me this guy was nothing compared to me, and that she misses me. Its just totally drifted back to how it is. I have been pulled back in.. So difficult now to not contact her. I feel as though her saying friends is the only hope, she has got a hold on me even though I know it shouldn't. I thought I was past all of this. I've done nothing but show and tell her how much I want her and I am willing. Your right it is time for me to go again.. Just finding it a lot more difficult than usual.. she's said there's absolutely no chance of reconciliation Well, if that's the case, then why haven't you moved on? She told me this guy was nothing compared to me Yet, she's still with HIM and you're the one that got thrown under the bus. It's like telling someone that you have an Oceanside Mansion, but you'd rather live in a crappy studio apartment. Makes no sense. I feel as though her saying friends is the only hope Hope of what exactly? She already told you that there's NO CHANCE of reconciliation. So, my question is, why the hell are you hanging around? If this small little breakdown of what you wrote doesn't open your eyes to the fact that she's string you along for her own selfish reasons, then I don't know what will. Right now, she's cake eating. Maybe this guy isn't too much into conversations and listening to her or her problems. But, she has you. Therefore, she's using you to get her emotional needs met and using him to get all of her physical needs met. Now, how is that fair to you? Let us know when you're ready to commit yourself to NC. Once you make that decision for yourself, then people will be here to help you through the process. But, that's a decision you're going to have to make. But, I truly think you deserve better and for you to find a girl that wants to be with you 100% because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. Your Ex is the one stopping you from doing that. 1
Author Frankie L Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) *****Update****** Me and my ex girlfriend broke up 3 and a half months ago. We were together for around 16 months. We had a great relationship majority of the time and we lived together for around 6 months of it. It was great, we both understood each other and really had a good connection, she told me she never knew real love until she met me and that I was the man of her dreams (sounds like a movie dosent it? Seems silly!) Yeah sure we had our ups and downs and our arguments, who dosent? And i guess eventually it took its toll.. She broke up with me, citing my lack of appreciation for her was the reason explaining she wasnt happy any more and me and her have just gone too far being unhappy for too long. I was heartbroken, and literally tried everything after the split to get her back. Flowers, Gifts, messages, memories, everything and nothing seemed to work at all, infact it just made her more nasty and laugh at me even more which was hard. She met someone else 2 weeks after we had split, little did I know this guy had been showing her attention whilst we were together. They are now in a relationship. My problem being..We decided to remain friends purely because I couldn't let her go. We met up multiple times, spoke on the phone a few times a week. During the meetings she explained how this guy wasn't a patch on me, he is an absolute ass*** and most importantly she still loves me. She said she couldn't get back with me because too much has happened and she dosent go back on her word. When I asked if that was forever she said "im not saying that, if we are friends then maybe who knows what will happen? Just don't force anything, I cant say anything at the moment because I am with him!" She said this guy wasn't serious and its nothing like I am picturing, and that she rarely seems him.. I decided to remain in contact and she decided to give me a lift home from work (work for same company) we had a good talk and again she said please don't force anything. I smiled and thanked her for the lift gave her a hug, I could hear her breathing change I tried to move away and she just wouldn't let go, it was like it used to be...My eyes watered and she seemed emotional too. I went home and said to her Because she had no plans the weekend if she wanted to do something let me know... No call come, I decided to call her and ask if she was OK and if she wanted to do something, She replied with " No you know I cant do that im not going into this now you know why" She then explained that she is now in a relationship with this Man and that she had made plans to see him today sorry. " i don't know why you torture yourself like this I told you I wouldn't get back with you, I said but you said you didn't know, she replied with well that's not a yes is it!?" She said ive been seeing him for 3 months now obviously it is something!!... Every time I explained to her whilst in the "friend Zone" that I couldn't talk to her if we wasn't going anywhere she would give me hope so I wouldn't do it...She would always say stop forcing things just let it be.. But this time I took it upon myself and I realised things HAVE to stop now. No way can I be somebodys back up plan I have give this girl everything I have... I text her after the call and said, I'm sorry but I cannot be just friends with you, In order to move on I have to let you go and I know that's what I need to do, I wish you all the best will never forget you" I have since blocked her number and all methods of contact this has been 4 days now.. I feel alot better and I now feel a lot more in control.. The thing is.. I just CANNOT seem to stop thinking about her, I miss her like crazy, Im not as emotional any more and I am living my life and enjoying it, But I have a lot of times where I think of her and what we used to be... Does anyone have an advice please? It would be greatly appreciated... I feel as though im nearly there! Edited April 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Simon Phoenix Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Honestly dude, you are at the beginning of the journey. You basically delayed the start of your recovery four months by trying to be the clingy, orbiter, friend-zone guy. Luckily, you've finally realized how foolish that was and you are finally taking steps in the right direction. You thinking about her all the time is normal. It's only been four days, so don't feel bad about it. If you stick to No Contact and stop caving and trying to chase and manipulate her, you'll find with time that those thoughts and memories will become less frequent to the point where they barely exist. But it's going to be a tough road and there will be days you think you are almost healed, quickly followed by days where you are despondent and want to cave. As long as you don't cave, you'll come out better on the other end. In the mean time, fill your time. Work out more, hang out with friends (but don't go into "sad bastard" talking about your ex all the time mode), make new friends, concentrate on a hobby or project, start up a new hobby, join a club or a team if you are into sports, go on a trip, live life. The more you live life, and the less you are sitting around moping, the quicker and better this whole process will be for you. It will suck some major ass at times, but the more active you are, the less ass it will suck and the less time of ass suckage there will be. You can do it. You've finally taken the first step. Hang in there and don't be afraid to vent on here when you feel like s--t. It's better than trying to chase after her and making a complete douche of yourself in the process. You've learned that through the last four months -- no need to repeat it. 1
Author Frankie L Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 @Simon Phoenix Hey man, Really appreciate the response. I totally understand where you are coming from and I know the journey I have ahead of me.. It is extremely difficult at the moment to not contact because even when we were speaking as friends she could change my mood in the day in an instant. But i need to realize that was based entirely on hope and not on actual facts. My main problem was depending my happiness on her and I believe this space will give me the time to find myself again.. My feelings and emotion are not as strong as when we first broke up which im pleased about however it still hurts me very much to know me and this women's chapter is over.. There is a line out of a film that I like... "how do you look at the women you love, and realize that its time to walk away" I know that it is my time to do that now, however erasing the memories and times we shared are a little more difficult. This seems so easy for her too which dosent help.. One step at a time...Thank you I value your response
Author Frankie L Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 @Tara Maiden @Chi Town D Could either of you guys potentially give me any further advice?
johnson_j Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Frankie, having "been there and done that", I'll say the following: Leave her alone. If she calls, don't answer. If she txts, don't reply. The fact that you don't do either will show her that she Doesn't have you on a leash and at that point she'll either move on with new guy or panic. My guess if that by you not responding, things suddenly take a turn for the worst with new guy and she's back at your doorstep in a few months. BUT don't get false hopes - you recover so at that time whether YOU want HER is YOUR decision, not hers.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Frankie, having "been there and done that", I'll say the following: Leave her alone. If she calls, don't answer. If she txts, don't reply. The fact that you don't do either will show her that she Doesn't have you on a leash and at that point she'll either move on with new guy or panic. My guess if that by you not responding, things suddenly take a turn for the worst with new guy and she's back at your doorstep in a few months. BUT don't get false hopes - you recover so at that time whether YOU want HER is YOUR decision, not hers. dude, NC is not a game to get them back. Don't fill his head with that type of hope. NC is to get yourself back. Most people you go NC on won't come back, but the point of NC is to get to where you don't care of they come back or not.
Lifegoezon Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Proud of you making this decision. It's overdue. It's not going to be easy but you have to keep reminding yourself that she's with someone else and she doesn't want you the way you want her. She's gone and you need to focus on your own future without her in it. Harsh but true.
Chi townD Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 @Tara Maiden @Chi Town D Could either of you guys potentially give me any further advice? Simon pretty much said it all. See, you are a crackhead, speedfreak, alcoholic and a dopehead. At least, that's how you have to look at yourself. You are an addict trying to get clean. Right now, you are having withdrawl symptoms. Having a hard time eating and sleeping. Depression, sadness and no desire to do anything. The drug (your Ex) is constantly on your mind. You see an old toothbrush of hers and you're wondering if you should call her and ask if she wants it back. Basically, trying to find something to give yourself permission to allow you just one more "hit" of that drug. These symptoms are NO DIFFERENT than an addict trying to get clean. And the treatment is the same as an addicts. You take it one day at a time. You're going to have days where your Ex is invading your mind all day and night. Then, you start to formulate questions in your head that only your Ex could answer. Then you try to convince yourself not to contact her to get these questions answered or to set up a meeting for "closure". You need to just get through the day without contacting her. Just one day and then perhaps the next day won't be as bad. What Simon said is true. You need to make those positive changes in your life. Going to the gym, getting involved with a hobby or sports. Taking a trip. These are VERY important because it helps you to stay busy!!! That's the key! I've had one person come back on here say that positive changes wasn't working for him because anytime he had some down time, she was right back in his head and he was thinking about her. That's when I knew it was working for him (he just didn't realize it). She only invaded his mind when he had "down time". Which means he was only thinking about her maybe a total of 2-3 hours a day versus 12 hours if he wasn't doing anything at all! And 2 hours is a hellva lot easier to manage than 12. SO KEEP BUSY AND HAVE SOME ADVENTURES! If you feel like contacting her, STOP! Take a deep breath and post here instead. People will be here to help you through this. She might try to contact you. She might start to feel guilty about stringing you along or throwing out a breadcrumb to see if you'll respond. You know, pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still there. IGNORE IT!!!! DO NOT RESPOND!! Post here instead. People will talk you through. True NC is tough. Especially the first few weeks, but I promise you it does get easier and you'll start to feel better. More control of your life. Hang in there.
somegoodman Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 "dude, NC is not a game to get them back. Don't fill his head with that type of hope. NC is to get yourself back. Most people you go NC on won't come back, but the point of NC is to get to where you don't care of they come back or not." Everybody goes no contact in the hopes of getting her back. Eventually they move on as a side effect. The truth is that it's the best solution to both move on AND get her back. I love how everybody loves to interject with "NUH UH STUPID DATS NOT WUT ITS FOR" as if it ultimately matters why you do it. The results are the same.
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