Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 If you read my past posts you'll understand what happened with me and my ex. I ended up getting back together with him after being broken up for six weeks. We dated again for roughly two months after I put his whole life together again. I noticed he started treating me like absolute **** and his anger issues were getting really bad. I also noticed he was inboxing a girl on Facebook 24/7. We broke up after all of this but I was stupid enough to still stay over at his have sex etc. Then one night he completely ditched me to hang out with the girl he was inboxing. He doesn't realise how he's upset me (friend wise he shouldn't make Plans and bail and turn his phone off). He kept denying dating/seeing this girl up until today, 3 weeks on, I seen it on Facebook. He also told me he quit pot and got a job. I just can't believe it. I just need reassurance that he'll never quit pot, get a job and change for this girl. I feel like he's going to turn into the perfect guy and have the perfect life while I can't find anyone.
David87 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Don't be so hard on yourself, he's a douchebag. Block him on FB, and delete his number from your phone. It's never to late to start NC, at least now you know that is a big mistake to be in contact with an ex. And don't worry about finding the right boyfriend because you will as soon as you make peace with your past. 2
Arieswoman Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Weightlessswings, He's a pothead with a head full of mush. We dated again for roughly two months after I put his whole life together again. Do you want a b/f or do you want to be a carer? He's shown you he is incapable of dealing with life or reality and just wants someone to rescue him. As long as people keep bailing him out he will have no motivation to change (and that includes you) You might like to read up on the subject of "Co-dependent Relationships". You deserve a drug-free, loving, attentive boyfriend - so remove this waste-of-space from your life and move on. 4
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 If you read my past posts you'll understand what happened with me and my ex. I ended up getting back together with him after being broken up for six weeks. We dated again for roughly two months after I put his whole life together again. I noticed he started treating me like absolute **** and his anger issues were getting really bad. I also noticed he was inboxing a girl on Facebook 24/7. We broke up after all of this but I was stupid enough to still stay over at his have sex etc. Then one night he completely ditched me to hang out with the girl he was inboxing. He doesn't realise how he's upset me (friend wise he shouldn't make Plans and bail and turn his phone off). He kept denying dating/seeing this girl up until today, 3 weeks on, I seen it on Facebook. He also told me he quit pot and got a job. I just can't believe it. I just need reassurance that he'll never quit pot, get a job and change for this girl. I feel like he's going to turn into the perfect guy an d have the perfect life while I can't find anyone. Believe me - we've all said "I wish I'd listened" People come here for advice, hoping to get their relationship back rather than to heal from it. Mostly they don't like the advice given but someday they realise that advice was right. I am one of these people... 9 months on I'm glad I listened. Don't beat yourself up about it, you love the guy, love makes you do things that rationally you shouldn't. Now it's time to find you again. Bugger him!!! You deserve better 3
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 The fact that he keeps rubbing it in really makes it seem like he's not happy. He keeps sending me abusive messages, even without me replying. If he was that happy he wouldn't go out of his way to abuse me.
Chi townD Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 See this is what I don't get with girls. They're always attracted to the "bad boy" persona. They date them thinking they are the ones to change them from a douche rocket into Prince Charming. But the thing is, if they have a reputation of being a "bad boy" then logic would dictate that sooner or later, they are going to start treating you BADLY!! Girl, trust me on this. There are "nice guys" out there that would treat you like gold. Problem is, when you first look at them you don't immediately feel an attraction because he's not the kind of guy you used to chase after. But if you gave a good guy a chance, you'll discover a lot of things attractive about him. Things you never saw from first glance. You see that he's goal orientated. He knows what he wants and goes after it. You might discover that he's shy at first, but once you break through that barrier; you find that he's really funny and makes you laugh all the time. You later discover that he loves the way you smile, so he made a promise to himself that he would make you laugh everyday just to see that smile. You may be window shopping with him one day and walk by an Antique store where you see this beautiful brooch that is a little out of your price range but you keep eyeballing it. Six months later, he's giving it to you as a Christmas present. He remembered six months later. You may have to go out of town and the only flight back is the red eye getting in at 2AM. You tell him not to worry because you just catch a cab home. But, there he is. He at baggage claim at 2 in the morning to pick you up for two reasons. One, he missed you and two, he wanted to ensure you got home safely. He will love to walk with you on his arm with his head held high because he knows that he's got the prettiest girl in town with him and she chose him. Trust me on this, there are guy's out there that are just like I described. At first glance, they may not present themselves as someone you would be immediately attracted to at first glance, but you're so used to chasing after douche rockets. Give them a shot. You might surprise yourself and find your diamond in the rough. 3
sooshi Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Can you not block him on whatever it is that he's been sending your those messages? You really do deserve better. Edited April 3, 2014 by sooshi
VeronicaRoss Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Wow, why do you think so little of yourself? Why is your life so valueless that he's better? That's pretty shocking. You need to do stuff to make yourself proud. That requires work and taking risks and maybe your parents didn't raise you do know how to do that but that's not fate. Go find a counselor or life coach or some one that will help coach you to build a life that you feel is very valuable and worth protecting from someone like that. 1
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Can you not block him on whatever it is that he's been sending your those messages? You really do deserve better. Here in Australia you can't block numbers by the carrier. I have the feature on my iPhone but it doesn't seem to work and I don't have the money/don't want to go through the hassle of getting a new number.
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Wow, why do you think so little of yourself? Why is your life so valueless that he's better? That's pretty shocking. You need to do stuff to make yourself proud. That requires work and taking risks and maybe your parents didn't raise you do know how to do that but that's not fate. Go find a counselor or life coach or some one that will help coach you to build a life that you feel is very valuable and worth protecting from someone like that. Ive made an appointment to see a counsellor tomorrow. I don't think little of myself. He was very emotionally abusive and slowly made me feel like no one else would ever want me and unless you're the actual person in the situation you see it very differently. I never want him back and I want nothing to do with him but it's hard to just not care. I can pretend I don't but it eats away inside me. Up until today I was fine, even going on dates. Now I'm in bed crying cos he's happy with a new girl (knowing my luck will stay with her and change). Why does he get to be happy?
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 He isn't happy, he is running. Sooner or later they all get tired. Everyone needs to take a look at weightless' mentality. It is a fallacy. "Why does the other person get to be happy?" If they heartlessly screwed you over, by default, they lack what it takes to be happy. You have to step away from your own mind for a second.
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Can I just add this girl is basically me. She has the same name, studies the same thing as me, has the same interests and is passionate towards the exact same things as me. It really creeps me out. Even his family is disguted by his behaviour and she isn't allowed to their family functions because they don't like her. She also just turned 18...
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Even his family is disguted by his behaviour His family is also a factor in why this guy is so screwed up, but that's neither here nor there in this present conversation really. The fact is, you shouldn't KNOW what his family thinks. It's HIS family. If you two are apart, you need to drop the family too.
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 He isn't happy, he is running. Sooner or later they all get tired. Everyone needs to take a look at weightless' mentality. It is a fallacy. "Why does the other person get to be happy?" If they heartlessly screwed you over, by default, they lack what it takes to be happy. You have to step away from your own mind for a second. What do you mean he's running? He obviously was over me before we broke up but he still kept me there by having sex with me and acting like my boyfriend still, so if he had actual feelings for this girl I can see it more than a rebound. I just don't understand how he can get over a 14 month relationship just like that? He milked me for all I'm worth and IM still the bad guy.
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 He milked me for all I'm worth and IM still the bad guy. No, you're the EXTREMELY confused girl, apparently. And by running, I mean running from himself. When people jump relationship to relationship (and/or use people), it's to avoid facing something or many things. 1
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 His family is also a factor in why this guy is so screwed up, but that's neither here nor there in this present conversation really. The fact is, you shouldn't KNOW what his family thinks. It's HIS family. If you two are apart, you need to drop the family too. He was getting really nasty to me so I went by his house to drop off some things I had and they had NO idea we were broken up. He led them to believe she was me, because we have the same name. I only spoke to them because they were confused and they told me that they now believe he's on ice. They told me to keep in contact if he was to get too much so they can put him in line and when his abuse did go too far I told them. Other than that I haven't spoken to them.
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 No, you're the EXTREMELY confused girl, apparently. And by running, I mean running from himself. When people jump relationship to relationship (and/or use people), it's to avoid facing something or many things. I meant in his mind I'm the bad guy. I know I've done nothing wrong in this situation other than being blinded by feelings.
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I meant in his mind I'm the bad guy. I know I've done nothing wrong in this situation other than being blinded by feelings. Clearly you're still blinded, but that is common in hurt and infatuation. Look, this guy is pathetic. If I saw him, I'd likely make him feel like an idiot. The psychology of why he jumped with someone who is almost identical to you, though, now that's harder to identify. If he really was abusive, which I believe he was, then it may be that he has simply found a new victim very similar to you in which he can repeat the process with. He isn't happy. He wasn't happy with you, and isn't happy with who is with now. The closer you keep observing him and obsessing over a hopeless situation, then the more you will continue to share in his misery. 1
martaldn Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Ive made an appointment to see a counsellor tomorrow. I don't think little of myself. He was very emotionally abusive and slowly made me feel like no one else would ever want me and unless you're the actual person in the situation you see it very differently. I never want him back and I want nothing to do with him but it's hard to just not care. I can pretend I don't but it eats away inside me. Up until today I was fine, even going on dates. Now I'm in bed crying cos he's happy with a new girl (knowing my luck will stay with her and change). Why does he get to be happy? I feel for you because I went through the same situation.. with the only difference we have never been a couple but he has always been emotionally abusive and i let him doing it without realizing the damage he was causing to my self-esteem. it was a 5 years long situation and I am far from healed I am not speaking to him for over 20 days and I still have some very dark days.. today is one of them. I cant breath and I am struggling to go through the day but maybe tomorrow It will be better.. I am sorry to know you are suffering but going counselling will help you.. but you need to give yourself time... take care
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 I feel for you because I went through the same situation.. with the only difference we have never been a couple but he has always been emotionally abusive and i let him doing it without realizing the damage he was causing to my self-esteem. it was a 5 years long situation and I am far from healed I am not speaking to him for over 20 days and I still have some very dark days.. today is one of them. I cant breath and I am struggling to go through the day but maybe tomorrow It will be better.. I am sorry to know you are suffering but going counselling will help you.. but you need to give yourself time... take care I was only with my ex for 14 months and he caused a lot of damage. It was to the point where he made me feel crazy and that the way I thought was abnormal and I was constantly doubting everything I thought and I was too scared to stick up for myself. He would put me down (say I'm bad in bed for example then laugh it off and say he was joking. It still made me self conscious). He even went as far as to scream at me and say WHY CANT YOU BE NORMAL?! When I was having a panic attack. He'd always threaten me and say he would break up with me if I messed up again (when I caught him out doing something he would someone turn it on me and id believe it was my fault) that he would easily leave my life. This made me really paranoid and scared to do anything. I'm sorry to hear you're in the situation, I know were both strong enough to get through this xx 1
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 He even went as far as to scream at me and say WHY CANT YOU BE NORMAL?! Projection - the act or technique of defending yourself against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in yourself, while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is rude may accuse other people of being rude. 2
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Projection - the act or technique of defending yourself against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in yourself, while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is rude may accuse other people of being rude. I've realised this. As soon as he started accusing me of cheating, talking to other guys etc I started to think he was saying I was doing this because he's feeling guilty of it. He would also always call me a liar and immature when I'm a very honest person and never lied to him. I'm also not immature, he's the one sending me abusive messages - shouldn't he be with his girlfriend? He also keeps bringing up how I apparently didn't appreciate some jewelry he gave me (his story is ridiculous - he handed it to me literally on a busy Main Street which made me feel awkward so I hugged him thanked him and said when we get to the car I'll have a proper look). He keeps saying he's going to come to my house and get it blah blah.
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Look, based on these things you are saying (your insight to realize if he's accusing you of cheating, he either is or is thinking about it) as well as the fact you're very honest -- those alone qualify you as being out of his league. Then there's the fact you're so heartbroken and he doesn't give a damn. Another indication of your superiority. Those are hard mountains to ascend past... Look, you should be in NC. But you must not be, as per your last statement about how he keeps saying you didn't appreciate jewelry. You are sharing in his misery - he is bringing you to his level for that fight - and I guarantee you, he is going to beat you with experience. If you can't go full NC, then to some degree, by default, you deserve the abuse you are receiving. This is a controversial statement in psychology, but it's a harsh reality. If you keep opening the door for the devil, then who is to blame, you or the devil?
Author Weightlesswings Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Projection - the act or technique of defending yourself against unpleasant impulses by denying their existence in yourself, while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is rude may accuse other people of being rude. Look, based on these things you are saying (your insight to realize if he's accusing you of cheating, he either is or is thinking about it) as well as the fact you're very honest -- those alone qualify you as being out of his league. Then there's the fact you're so heartbroken and he doesn't give a damn. Another indication of your superiority. Those are hard mountains to ascend past... Look, you should be in NC. But you must not be, as per your last statement about how he keeps saying you didn't appreciate jewelry. You are sharing in his misery - he is bringing you to his level for that fight - and I guarantee you, he is going to beat you with experience. If you can't go full NC, then to some degree, by default, you deserve the abuse you are receiving. This is a controversial statement in psychology, but it's a harsh reality. If you keep opening the door for the devil, then who is to blame, you or the devil? The thing is I haven't contacted him back. He's the one who keeps texting and calling and I'm the one rejecting his calls and not responding. I can't get his number blocked because Australia doesn't do that, at least my phone provider. I've blocked him on Facebook and Instagram. The only reason why I've kept his number is to make sure I don't accidentally pick up his call not knowing who it is. I'm in full NC, he's the one trying to brag about how good his life is now without me.
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Ok, then my apologies for the last statement. I am happy to hear you are being strong and insightful and you deserve credit for it. I hope you see you deserve better, you aren't the callous one like he is... If I were you, I would call your cell phone carrier and ask for a free number change on account of the fact that you are being stalked, harassed and you could, if need be, say you are also being threatened. If that fails for some reason, then next time your ex contacts you, tell him you will call the police for menacing by stalking, harassment, and telecommunications harassment. (Those are USA laws, but I assume there is some equivalent in Australia?)
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