matt29 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Hi all, Girlfriend asked for a 2 week break as she has a lot going on in her life at the moment and wanted time to focus on her thoughts. We've been together for 4 months and she's held back a lot due to these issues, we both agree that we think we could have something really special because neither of us have felt this bond with anyone else before. She said no contact. Four days in she broke no contact to send me an email basically saying that she feels like she's punishing me and wants me to know that's not the case, she wants time to focus on her thoughts and wants me to know she's thinking about me. What do I do?! I miss her heaps! Even though its only been 4 days.. We have spoken pretty much every day since we first met 6 months ago. This is the longest we've been without taking.. Thoughts?
David87 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Yeah, she wants a break then give her one. There's mo such thing as a brake to clear your thoughts, either you want to be with someone or you dont. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Hi all, Girlfriend asked for a 2 week break as she has a lot going on in her life at the moment and wanted time to focus on her thoughts. Red Flag: There is NO SUCH THING AS "A BREAK". You read it here first, ok? We've been together for 4 months and she's held back a lot due to these issues, we both agree that we think we could have something really special because neither of us have felt this bond with anyone else before. So 'special' in fact that, already, she wants to 'move away' from you. Really....? She said no contact. Four days in she broke no contact to send me an email basically saying that she feels like she's punishing me and wants me to know that's not the case, she wants time to focus on her thoughts and wants me to know she's thinking about me. That's not 'love' that's 'guilt'. What do I do?! I miss her heaps! Even though its only been 4 days.. We have spoken pretty much every day since we first met 6 months ago. This is the longest we've been without taking.. Thoughts? Bluntly? You tell her it's either on, or it's not. People in love don't take breaks from one another, they work things through together and come to a common solution. After 4 months, she's feeling over-whelmed, and her instinct is to draw back from the distraction. If you, as her partner, have become a distraction, you're an inconvenience she can do without. Tell her you either have a relationship, or you don't. But you're not prepared to tread water for an indeterminate amount of time, waiting for her to either throw you a life-belt, or sail away without you. You're either on this boat together, or you can sail off without her. Tell her she must choose. Definitively, one way or the other. Then wait for her reply. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and know: A break isn't a break. It's an "I don't want to be with you because I feel hounded". BY YOU. 2
Author matt29 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Red Flag: There is NO SUCH THING AS "A BREAK". You read it here first, ok? So 'special' in fact that, already, she wants to 'move away' from you. Really....? That's not 'love' that's 'guilt'. Bluntly? You tell her it's either on, or it's not. People in love don't take breaks from one another, they work things through together and come to a common solution. After 4 months, she's feeling over-whelmed, and her instinct is to draw back from the distraction. If you, as her partner, have become a distraction, you're an inconvenience she can do without. Tell her you either have a relationship, or you don't. But you're not prepared to tread water for an indeterminate amount of time, waiting for her to either throw you a life-belt, or sail away without you. You're either on this boat together, or you can sail off without her. Tell her she must choose. Definitively, one way or the other. Then wait for her reply. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and know: A break isn't a break. It's an "I don't want to be with you because I feel hounded". BY YOU. Thanks for your input! In your opinion would I be better off ignoring her email and telling her this once the break is up?
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Thanks for your input! In your opinion would I be better off ignoring her email and telling her this once the break is up? No. You contact her now. You tell her this 'break' crap is just a bunch of hooey, and you're either together, or you're not. You give her until a defined time (on the same day!) to decide. But whatever she decides she either needs to step up to the plate and commit - or cut ties and go her way, and let you go yours. In the case of the latter - THEN you go complete NC, and stick with it, 100%. No dodgy, unstable, uncertain, middle ground. 1
Author matt29 Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 No. You contact her now. You tell her this 'break' crap is just a bunch of hooey, and you're either together, or you're not. You give her until a defined time (on the same day!) to decide. But whatever she decides she either needs to step up to the plate and commit - or cut ties and go her way, and let you go yours. In the case of the latter - THEN you go complete NC, and stick with it, 100%. No dodgy, unstable, uncertain, middle ground. I'd just like to add that she emailed me 5 hours ago to which I haven't responded as yet. Then 10 minutes ago I recieved the same text but sent to me as a text message.
TaraMaiden Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 She's being manipulative. I would add at this point that it may not be conscious. She may not even know, or see that this is what she's doing, but she's trying to call the shots and control the situation to her satisfaction. "I have decided we need to go on 'a break' but I just need to make sure that if I DO want your presence, I can contact you and you'll respond and stroke my Ego." She also feels a certain amount of guilt for pushing you aside, so she just wants to make herself feel better about that. You responding favourably/lovingly, will relieve that guilt. In brief - she's making this all about her. That's why you need to give her the ultimatum. However, understand this: if you give her the ultimatum, and she decides to break UP with you - you HAVE to accept that. See, it's either that, or keep pussy-footing around uncertainty, ego-stroking and guilt-appeasement..... 1
pickflicker Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Look, it's normal to go a few days without talking to someone you're dating, particularly if you've got work, family, friends, school, and every other commitment you have to look after, but you can't hit "pause" on a relationship. You're in, or you're out. And at 4 months, I wouldn't wait around, even if they came back. I'd be gone. Don't contact her, let her contact you. And when she does, come here first, before responding! EDIT: I see you've done that. Do what Tara says, & report back. 1
Chi townD Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Ahh..Australian huh! or...Kiwi Okay, you wrote that you both agree that you have something special and you both see it going for the long haul. Therefore, for the life of me, I don't see why she finds it necessary to have a "two week" break to clear her thoughts. If you were that special to her; then, at a time where she's most confused in her life, she should be looking to you for advice, to talk to, to be that shoulder to lean on, to be her rock. Not push you away. So, it leads me to one of two conclusions. 1. There's someone else she's interested in and she's seeing if there's a shared interest. She needed at least two week to see if this is the case without any interference from you. OR 2. She's testing the waters and seeing if she can handle a life without you in it. Or if she enjoys life more being single or in a relationship. Look, people in marriages don't take two weeks apart. Never happens. It's either you're in or you're out. Normally, if there's a problem, then the married couple works it out together, not apart. Tara is right. Taking a break usually translates to breaking up. Don't kid yourself on that one. So, do not respond to her email. Stay NC. And when the two weeks are up, continue with NC. Make her be the one to come to you. If two weeks goes by and you don't hear from her, then start unfollowing her on social media and BLOCK her on Facebook. Continue with NC. 1
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