KRuss Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I am 51, was married 22 yrs, divorced 4, grown kids. I am dating a man almost 55, widower 2.5 years, 3 grown boys and a 15yo daughter who lives with him. He has a very demanding career, and travels some. As well, he was married out of high school 10 years, divorced, and remarried within 1.5 years to late wife for 16 yeas. He told me on first call/dates that he isn't good at dating, he hasn't done it much at all. I am not sure he "gets" the process... We started dating almost 3 months ago. On our first date he asked what I wanted from a relationship. I told him I wanted a LTR/possibly marriage as desire. He wants the same. We are both somewhat old fashioned in many ways. We started being intimate as well. We see each other about once a week even though his schedule has been very abnormally busy the past two months. He says it will change soon. We text a couple times a week and talk maybe once or occasionally twice between dates. He is always sharing with me his schedule, where is he traveling, what he has going on, etc. We are very open about out thoughts on things, share about our kids/families etc. The issue here is he has been saying he wants to see me more and that things will slow down. So far they hadn't. He mentioned this next week his daughter has spring break so he invited his daughter in law down from Canada to visit with his granddaughter. He also said that Mon and Tues before they come his daughter has a soccer camp near my house and he would like to spend that time with me. I haven't met his daughter yet, which is fine, but I am starting to wonder where things "are". I haven't dated anyone else as i usually don't date more than one person at a time. Now I have a bit of an issue. Monday a friend I hadn't seen in 25 years, as we had lost touch, came to visit. Long story, met a man at restaurant who sent me a drink. I ended up giving him my number at the prompting of my gf. He is calling and wants to talk/set up a date. I am conflicted. If I knew the man I have been dating wanted to be exclusive i would choose that. But, I Don't. Do I say something at this juncture? I have let him lead and be the one to initiate contact 95% of the time. Or do I figure out how to see the other guy casually to SEE and wait to see what happens with the man i have been dating? Need some well thought out input please.
Mo_Do Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Seems pretty slow going to me - even if he "isn't a good dater" you should be able to see each other more than you are. Go out with the other guy once and see how it is - you may hate the guy (likely). It's not a big deal....go for it, and you don't have to tell the other guy.
OhThatGirl Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 You need to talk to the guy you've been seeing for a few months. Give him an opportunity to step up, claim you, give you more of his time. If he doesn't or isn't able to, then try something with the other guy. I just feel after 3 months and sex (unless I misunderstand) the fair thing would be having the discussion before seeing someone else. It's ultimately going to end up back in your court though. If he is truly busy and can't give you more time right now, but does want to be exclusive, are you comfortable with that? 1
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 We see each other about once a week We text a couple times a week and talk maybe once or occasionally twice between dates. I have let him lead and be the one to initiate contact 95% of the time. I was going to say this is very poor communication on his part and how does he intent to build a connection with so little communication then I see you only initiate 5% of the time and let him do all the job. That's bad. That's really bad. After 3 months stop that game, if you like this man then show it by giving him attention. He's probably wondering if you are developing feelings at all. Men also need to feel wanted and pursued. He said he is not used to dating so show him here. After 3 months you should be touching base each day. If you don't contact him because you're not THAT interested in him then let him go. If you are interested then show it. 2
angel.eyes Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 If you were exclusive, but things were otherwise the same six months from now, would you be happy? Would you feel your relationship needs were being met? Would the level of communication be sufficient? Would you be happy with how frequently you see each other? Would you feel like a priority in his life? If the answer to these questions is yes, then have a discussion about exclusivity and your status. If the answer is no, think hard about whether you are really compatible. Sure you can talk to him. He'll step up his game briefly, but then he'll settle right back into the pattern that works for him. BTW, when he makes plans to see you more frequently, does he follow through? Guys are often at their most eager and put in extra effort early on. Then they sort of get complacent and are a little less energetic. Is his "enthusiastic" phase, which is where you are at 2-3 months, working for you? Be careful about making excuses that he's busy or not "good at dating." His choices speak to his priorities. Both my boyfriend and I work 80+ hours/week. We also live in different cities. Despite that, we still see each other almost every day. He thinks nothing of getting up at 3 am and driving to my house to see me before my business trips. (He's not a morning person!) He makes a point of seeing me the day I get back too. He calls and texts me a few times a day even on days when we get together. Are you happy with where you fall among his priorities? 1
RedRobin Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) In my experience, many of those who are unaccustomed to today's dating world tend to naturally assume that if you are having sex, then you are exclusive. When you say you've been intimate, I'm assuming you are having sex. If you are not happy with the amount of contact and communication, then let him know. You both need to express what an intimate LTR looks like for both of you. I personally would not feel comfortable going on a date with another man if I were having sex with someone... I'd have to have the conversation first and give the guy a chance to step up before I'd be taking new suitors. But that is just me. I've dumped men who I either suspected or found out were seeing other women while having sex or trying to have sex with me. I don't take well to multi-daters... and especially don't take well to those who feel they can have sex with me while continuing to play the field. That is what YOU would be doing if you agreed to go on this date without having a conversation with your guy first. If HE has been dating others while having sex with you, I'd say that would be dating in bad faith... He should be communicating that too. Long story short, time to have a conversation about your expectations and what it looks like to you. Edited: I agree with the post above. Edited April 3, 2014 by RedRobin 1
Author KRuss Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 OhThatGirl: Thanks. He has explained his situation to me. He runs a development company and is going through an MBO, and doing several acquisitions. I would be ok with being exclusive under the circumstances if it got better within a couple months and/or we talked more. I haven't met his daughter yet, so it makes it hard for me to see him at his place at all if she is there. Gaeta: I usually wait for awhile before I initiate much contact. I have found that in the first few months men are pretty fickle, and I prefer to find their interest level. I have told him I am interested in him, and i SHOW it in the way I respond to him. He isn't wondering. Angel.eyes: If this is how it is six months down the calendar, which is what i think you asked, I would say I wouldn't be happy where things are. I would need more often contact by phone and in person. He hasn't changed since i met him in that he has always called in advance to set things up, and has always followed through. He is different in that his enthusiasm wasn't strong at the onset like men who call every day, but he also has not changed in his pattern either. He is the first person I have dated over a month in 2.5 years. With all this said, usually relationships have progression, and I just feel it is time for this to progress. He travels a decent amount, like this week he is gone Tues-Fri. He also has a daughter he is solely responsible for so that is different than people with no children. RedRobin: Thanks….yes when I first started dating I made the "assumptions" you talk about. I learned. I can tell from talking to him he has no idea of the "dating issues" that abound out there. The problem I am having is that so many of the dating books talk about not talking about where you stand. Two dates ago we had met for dinner, as we live over an hour apart, and after we went walking on the pier. He said his schedule was going to slow down and that he is sorry he has been so busy. I said ok. He said, you don't believe me do you, and I told him that I didn't say that. He proceeded to tell me that this is abnormal for him. He has several times fully explained everything that is happening and I know it is unusual for him. He asked if I was ok with it all, and I explained that I totally understood what he is trying to accomplish. I can see it is unusual and I appreciate his position and responsibilities. But, i told him if I could change that he wasn't so busy I would. He asked if I would like to see him more and I said yes. So, I need to figure out what to say and how to approach this. Appreciate your input. It probably closely mimics how we both thing fairly close. I think he is much like me about dating. Thanks ladies….much appreciate the input
soccerrprp Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 The problem I am having is that so many of the dating books talk about not talking about where you stand. Well, people will always tell you that actions mean more than words, but in your case you are happy with neither. Frankly, for me, both are important and you want to know where you stand and that is absolutely reasonable. Heck, the VERY FIRST DAY my gf and I decided to do the LDR, even before we agreed to it, she wanted to know what this meant. And, having thought about it, I told her. She wanted to know where we, I stood before we continued. Mind you, I had been dating her in the past, so this was not out of the blue, but our proximity issue was.
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 OhThatGirl: Gaeta: I usually wait for awhile before I initiate much contact. I have found that in the first few months men are pretty fickle, and I prefer to find their interest level. I have told him I am interested in him, and i SHOW it in the way I respond to him. He isn't wondering. You are past these games now. At this point you need to get involved and initiate 50% of the time. His work is keeping him away, communicating with him is your available mean to build a rapport with him and you are not doing it. And the proof you are not building a rapport with him is that you are considering going on a date with someone else after almost 3 months dating this man and being intimate with him. You started your thread by saying you are traditional, you are not. Traditional people don't have sex on first date and make sure they are in an exclusive relationship before acting. If you consider yourself traditional because you let the man initiate 95% of the time after 3 months then you are fooling yourself and be prepared to be single for a while. You did the 5% communicating before your current guy and it got you nowhere, you are doing it to him now and it's getting you nowhere, you will drop him and do that exact same thing to this next guy and it won't get you anywhere. Building a relationship is a business that takes 2.
Author KRuss Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Gaeta First, we didn't have sex right away….we were a month in and he didn't initiate and was a perfect gentleman. If I gave that impression I wrote things incorrectly. Second, because I am considering going on a date with someone doesn't mean anything. It means I am "considering" it because I am not sure if his feelings are aligning with mine. If they do, I wouldn't want to go. If they don't then I should move on at this point. That is the whole reason we "date". In all honesty, reading this has made me realize that my only choice is to go ahead and have a conversation with him. I need to know where to place my thoughts, feelings, and energy for ME. Thanks….your style is a little harsh but we all are different. BTW, he is from Canada, only been in US 3 years. ALSO, my style is fine for me, it works. I am single 4 years after being married 22 years. I dated a guy 1.5 years, so I don't think my "STYLE" is a problem. It works for me, and I am dating men who I believe are very much in line what I am looking for. I do believe you are right though, that if we continue I should offer more communication at this point. Edited April 3, 2014 by KRuss
angel.eyes Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Based on the added info you've provided, he seems genuinely concerned about the limited time he has with you and sincere in his interest in you. There's a discrete, time-limited event involved. If you think he has potential, it makes sense to wait and reevaluate after the transaction closes rather than driving for a conclusion now. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes--let him complete the management buyout, wait a few weeks to see if things improve without more feedback, then pick a course of action, if needed. It's natural to worry early on. I did too even though I had nothing to worry about. As for the other guy, just tell him you recently started seeing someone, and at this point, you would like to see were that goes. If things don't work out, you'll be in touch.
Gaeta Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Gaeta Thanks….your style is a little harsh but we all are different. BTW, he is from Canada, only been in US 3 years. I am sorry for sounding abrupt, I did not mean to be disrespectful, it's my opinionated French blood talking Where in Canada is he from?
Author KRuss Posted April 5, 2014 Author Posted April 5, 2014 Angel.eyes: I think so too at times, but I also am trying to figure out if this is the normal dating "wondering"or me feeling too insecure. Not sure... I saw last Fri night, and left here and didn't get into bed until 2:00am, and had to be up to meet son to golf at 7. He was having his son and daughter in law down to spend weekend with him and his daughter for her 15th birthday. Sun I texted him in afternoon and said i was going to beach for a walk if he wanted to join me. This is the first time in almost 3 months I had offered anything and it was very last minute. He texted me at 4:30 saying he was sorry he missed the text was on golf course. Then around 7:30 he called me and said he was sorry, that after his daughters soccer game his son went home and a friend asked him to golf. I told him no big deal it was totally a last minute thing and I had no expectations. He asked if i was sure and I said of course. We talked and he told me of his week, traveling Tues-Fri to Canada for business and asked what i was doing. Thurs I texted him saying i Hoped his week was going well in Canada and I was thinking of him. Fri midday he texted saying he just flew home and had a good week. That was it. I haven't heard anything since yesterday. We had talked last week of spending Monday together so I am sure he will call. This is the first time though that he didn't say specifically what he was doing. I have to admit though, after going through his timeline, he has been swamped for 2.5 months every weekend something planned. Maybe he just wants one to himself to chill. I think this may be a good part of my insecurities, but also that I would like things to be moving more quickly. I have realized that this may be the rubber band thing right now though as we are at that three month mark. Maybe he is "considering" things. I know when he left late Friday night he stood on my front patio, looked back at me and just stood there and smiled. Then he said, "duty calls" and smiled, as he was doing the birthday weekend for his daughter. Sorry to ramble, just feels cathartic to write right now. Sigh......hard to have nobody to care about, but hard to care and not know where things are going. Gaeta: no problem....I know he grew up and went to HS in a very small town Sherwood Park, but has lived in Alberta and Calgary.
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