Have never felt worse after losing a girl.....yet, we were never together!

[Fadeddreams5]

Hi. First of all, new to the site. I apologize in advance if I'm posting this in the wrong area. Saw this coping board, and decided....wth, I need help. lol.

 

Okay, so I am 23. I have been in relationships in the past, I have been rejected, I have been dumped and have stood on the opposite end of that, but I have never felt worse in my entire life over losing a girl than I do right now. It's been a month, and I still can't get over this. It's driving me crazy, and making me lose focus on the important things of my life. The strange thing is, as mentioned in the title, we were never really together. Hell, for 6 years up until January 2014, I never even saw her, which makes me question why I feel this way.

 

I am going to post the long and short version of this story below. Can someone just help clarify why I feel this way and what I should do to feel better? Also, what would you make up about this girl based on an outsider point of view? Should I continue being friends or move on? Thanks a lot.

 

Loooong Version of the story

Okay, so 6 years ago, I met her in my first year of college. I should point out that back in high school, I faced a social phobia, and this still lingered after graduating, so it was naturally very hard for me to feel comfortable around and meet people. Despite that, we clicked and became friends instantly. During English class, the teacher would tell us to shut up because we were always laughing non-stop about things I don't even remember. Just laughing and laughing. After that class, we would walk to the subway and just talked about anything on our minds. It was like a ritual. She blatantly developed feelings for me, despite all my physical flaws, and my friend would even tease her about it. I mean, she added me on Facebook and found my AIM and started talking to me. We would talk online as much as we did offline. This girl was so innocent and shy, and even asked me, a guy, out to a movie once. Despite our amazing compatibility, I had no feelings for her. I mean, I never directly rejected her, but I clearly made signs that I wasn't interested in her that way. I used to be a shallow prick, to be blunt, only looking for a specific quality in a woman combined with physical attractiveness (she was never ugly btw), and saw her only as something like a little sister.....for many years.

 

After the first year of college, she transferred to another university, and we pretty much never physically saw each other again. However, we spoke online everyday for like 2 years. But there was a bigger distance the last three years, and we just spoke on and off from that point, with any feelings she had for me seemingly dying off in the process. Despite this, she always kept in contact, messaged me here and there, and I was always there for her when she needed someone to talk to about anything. Always. I mean, I was witness to like every crazy phase of her life, and she admitted at one point that I knew her more than most other people in her life. The reason I avoided seeing her all these years was because I feared she would get the wrong impressions that would later ruin our friendship, which I did value a lot despite everything. It was stupid of me. It really was. But I only see that now.

 

Okay, so that's the backstory between us. On to the issue! First of all, I should point out that she's an Indian from Kerala (I'm Puerto Rican btw). In other words, arranged marriages are part of her culture, and there, marriages represent the unity of two families, not two individuals who love each other. It's all about family values, and parents tend to pressure their kids to, well, meet and possibly get married to any candidate they choose for them so the kinship is expanded, and the girl/guy transition into adulthood. It's not at all forced. But case in point, she met some guy her parents arranged for her through Skype, spoke to him for 4 months, and she decided to get married. Why did she make this hasty decision? Because he seemed kind, sincere and genuine....that's pretty much it. She had so much bad luck with guys in the past that she decided to YOLO it for the sake of making her parents happy.

 

So was I upset and realize I loved her all along?! No. I was actually happy she got engaged because I felt now I could see her without the tension I feared getting in the way of our friendship. What changed my outlook was my experience last semester, where I started chasing this girl who had the superficial qualities I wanted in a woman at that point. Despite us having no compatibility and me having to make up conversations in my head before I saw her, I chased her like a dog until I realized that this wasn't what I wanted. I realized this one day I was in the cafeteria, and just started talking with this other random girl from my Spanish class. We talked for like 2 hours over everything on our minds, and.......I got an epiphany after that day. I realized that what I really want is a girl I'm genuinely happy around. Who I can share my mind with, be me, and just enjoy being around. Seems like something most would learn very early on, but not me, unfortunately, and naturally, all I could think of was my Indian friend who I had rejected for so many years (not directly, mind you). But I knew I was losing her.

 

To add insult to injury, she began posting bridal shower pictures on Facebook, and.....she looked beautiful. She changed after 6 years. I remember actually waking up crying one day thinking, "omg, I f'ed up!" lol. I didn't want to have feelings for her. I really, really didn't, so I decided to finally meet up with her before she left to India to get married, with the hopes of becoming disillusioned, and realizing that I don't have any feelings. I figured, she probably changed after 6 years, and maybe I won't be attracted to her. But goddamn it I was wrong. When I saw her, I couldn't even form words at first because she became gorgeous after the years. After the ice was broken, we clicked. It was exactly like 6 years ago. We were the same awkward duo laughing over everything, and I felt happy. I left that day, ironically, confirming my feelings and increasing them.

 

Okay, so then she left to India, and I started talking to her on Facebook just like the old days on AIM. First day, we spoke 5 hours at night, and 3 hours in the morning. This reminded me how I could talk to her about anything, and my feelings continued to grow. Literally talked about anything on our minds, and most importantly, her doubts about the wedding. She didn't want to be married. She made a hasty decision for her parents, and she was regretting every single day she was there. Before the wedding, she even refused to see her fiance (not directly, but avoided him), and continuously referred to him as "that kid." She was miserable, and I was there helping her cope. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop that wedding at this point because since it's an Indian wedding, it'd be about choosing me over her family, not just her husband, and she was never going to do that. Besides, they already paid thousands for this ceremony. So I just comforted her. Then one day, my friend told me I was being dishonest and downright disgusting by keeping my feelings to myself until after she got married. I listened to him, mainly because this girl was throwing hints that she still liked me as we spoke, and I confessed what I felt........two days before her wedding.

 

I confessed my feelings through Skype. She was in shock. Just sat there...silent. Then, she reciprocated her feelings for me. At night, she sent me a rant telling me how f'd up it was to tell her this two days before her wedding, as though there was any point to doing so. She was furious, but right before her wedding, this was her final message to me (only message I will send so you all can see the gist of the sort of things she sent me):

 

"I love you, and I always will. I am obviously too immature for this marriage as I am saying I love you to you instead of my husband to be. Things won't be the same between us, but I want you in my life. I don't know if ill regret all these things I'm saying right now, and I don't care... I love you.....I love you [*insert name here*]. I hope there can be a next time or someday for us, even in another lifetime. I'm going now, and I can't speak to you for a while. Take care of yourself and please be happy because that smile warms my heart."

 

Note, I never used the "love" word at this point. I thought it was too soon since we really never physically saw each other for 6 years, besides our last meet-up, but she claimed to have suppressed her feelings for me for many years because she figured I never liked her.

 

Anyways, after that message, we continued talking through skype and whatsapp. Then the wedding came. According to her, she bursted into tears after the wedding; she just broke down, but people just assumed it was cause she was parting ways with her family. After the wedding, she realized something: she never signed any legal papers, so it was not official yet! She took this opportunity to tell her husband and family she had feelings for another man. Unfortunately, culture came into the picture again here. Her husband was indifferent (possibly because he wasn't about to hurt his family just cause some girl was indecisive until last minute), her mom broke down, her cousin called her a "selfless bitch," her brother said it was too late, and her dad made her promise him she'd forget about me altogether. Naturally, if this was the US, any parent would probably support their kid, and she'd be home free, but marriage has a completely different value/meaning over there, so it was different, and she was psychologically forced to sign the legal papers.

 

Despite being officially married, she continued to skype me every single day and night for an entire month. Yes, behind her husband's back. I wouldn't have spoken to her at all if I knew she was happily married, and I made that clear from the start, but I knew she wasn't. She continued telling me how much she loved me like she did in that message I posted above. Seeing her in this vulnerable state where all she wanted was to be with me, and escape from the situation she was in, made my feelings grow exponentially. At this point, it stopped being about me. I wanted to save her, no matter what. I wanted to be there for her, and never let her go. Like, I knew this is the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and even if these feelings were to go away, I'd never betray her and I'd always be there for her. And yeah, she got me throwing around the word "love" too. I really did think it was. I have never cried over someone else in my life, not because I couldn't have my way, but because I was genuinely upset they were going through something rough, and I couldn't be there for them.

 

On Valentine's day, two days before her honeymoon, she sent me an e-mail response to something I sent her. She claimed her love for me was genuine, and she loved me for everything I am. However, she said she was going to let me go because she felt she was dragging me down, and it wasn't fair for me. I became frustrated, and told her to fight for what she wants and tell her husband's family (who she was staying with) the truth, and repeat it to him. I was naive, disregarding the culture again, and the things/people she had to sacrifice to be with me. That said, I figured what she WANTED was a future for us where her parents accepted our relationship.

 

Well, the next day, she emails me saying what she wants is to be married. After like 4 days of living with her husband's family, she seemed to have started conforming. This crushed me because I realized that her feelings for me weren't as strong as she made them out to be. Despite this, she told me, a day before her honeymoon, that she couldn't lie to me and say she doesn't love me because she does. Said she was only doing the honorable thing, and that she would see me, at least one last time, when she returned to the US, two weeks later.

 

Well, honeymoon came, and we did not speak for two weeks. After her honeymoon, she returned to the US. Everything was different. There was this tension when I messaged her. Like I sensed this fear from her, or reluctance to say anything to me. When the day before the day we decided to meet up came, she sent me a large message saying she was not going to see me. After everything that happened, she refused to see me. But that's just the start. The reason for not seeing me was because she claims she fell in love with her husband after finally giving him a chance and opening up to him (yes, in those two short weeks after rejecting him and talking to me behind his back for a month), and didn't want to betray him anymore. If I had to assume, I'd say he was her first. She regrets all the skyping she made that month behind his back, but most of all, she claims to regret leading me on. She implied she was confused over her feelings for me, which were brought on by emotional distress. Yes, for a month, she declared her love to me because she was under emotional distress. She later retracted this statement, and said she HAD feelings for me, but then fell in love with her husband, who's love for her made her "break."

 

I was literally faced with comments like, "I've never felt like I've been with more of a right person than now", "I wouldn't want you to fight for me because I'd be miserable without my husband", "I'm able to tell him things I've never been able to say to anyone in this world," and "After my experience with my husband, I realized what love really is." As though I really needed to read any of that...

 

The kicker was when she started condescending on my feelings, asking me how I could possibly love her when I never ever saw her, and saying she feels I only feel this way because "it's different from what I wanted before." The former is actually true, I started throwing that word around because she did it first. I never actually got to act out my feelings, or demonstrate anything in person, so I shouldn't use that word. But my feelings were genuine for everything I mentioned above, and because they naturally intensified when I saw her in a vulnerable state for a month as she messaged/skyped me day and night, telling me she loved me. She also said I had this image of her, and I used what-ifs to define my love. Keep in mind this is all a little over two weeks after telling me she "loved" me. She acted like I never really knew her, despite telling me a month prior that I knew her more than most people in her life. I don't give a crap how depressed you are, you do NOT change into a radically different person who tells random people you love them. Nobody can be that emotionally unstable. Again, these aren't things I needed to read coming from her.

 

From the beginning, I figured there was only a 1% chance of anything between us to work because of her culture. It hurt that I realized I had feelings for her at the last minute, and I couldn't do anything about it, but I was always prepared to accept this. When she returned to the US, I expected us to meet up one last time, her to tell me that she could not choose me over her family, as well as remind me of the promise she made her father. Naturally, I figured she would develop feelings for her husband too--affection comes instantly when you live with someone who cares for you, especially if you have a honeymoon--so I foresaw her telling me that she CAN fall in love with this man, and be happy. I was always clear with her from the start: "if you were happily married, I wouldn't be here talking to you." That meet-up was supposed to be a closure for us, as friends who grew to care about each other beyond that, and I was going to let her go, maybe after a kiss like you'd see in some Hollywood tragic love story (lol). I made that clear too (not the kiss thing). Maybe that would've been immoral, but at the end of the day, she was honest about her feelings for me to her husband, and didn't want that marriage, initially. I was always going to come out being hurt, but I didn't expect to be hurt by this (her flip-flopping).

 

Nothing went as I planned it. These "profound" feelings she "always" had for me died out after just two weeks, she fell in love with another man during that time, she began to basically look down on my feelings, she refused to see me, and she had little to no remorse letting a friend she's known for 6 years out of her life, which is what hurts the most I guess. Seemed so nonchalant and happy over her situation. Though, all things considered, things did turn out well for her and her family, at the end of the day.

 

All of this put me in a state of shock as you can imagine, but she couldn't be there for me. I think I poured my heart into an essay to her describing my feelings since there was nothing else I could do, as she would not see me, which I don't make a hobby of (*stares at this essay...*)...for the most part. Still gave me the same response. Loves her husband, not much I can do but move on, she feels she did the right thing by not seeing me, apologized for everything she put me through, and so on. Dodged everything I wrote regarding my feelings too. Haven't spoken to her in nearly three weeks now. Just today though, out of curiosity, I logged onto whatsapp, and saw her profile. Based on the last time she was seen, I can tell her husband has officially replaced me as her go to guy (he's staying in India btw). Seeing this hurt me like a knife through the heart, honestly. I lost both a close friend (even if our relationship was mainly online) and a love interest who captured my heart more than any other girl in my past.........despite never actually dating her.......

 

Note that she is terrible at expressing herself, was sorry over leading me on, and didn't intentionally hurt anyone.

 

Short version of the story:

-Met girl 6 years ago

 

-Never had better chemistry with any other girl;

 

-She blatantly had feelings for me; I never had feelings for her.

 

-After first year of college, she transferred out, and I never saw her during these 6 years, but we maintained a strong online relationship.

 

-She got engaged for an arranged Indian marriage.

 

-After an epiphany last semester, where I figured out what I truly wanted in

a girl, I realized I always had feelings for her.

 

- I saw her for the first time in 6 years, and confirmed my feelings for her.

 

- We frequently spoke online like the old days, and my feelings grew.

 

-She was depressed about the marriage; she didn't want to be engaged. Regretted her hasty decision, but couldn't back out due to family pressure.

 

-I confessed two days before her wedding. She reciprocated my feelings and claimed to have always loved me.

 

-She skyped/messaged me day and night for a month behind her husband's back, continuing to declare her feelings for me.

 

-My feelings grew to a point I felt it could be love because of seeing her in that vulnerable state, and reading/hearing her feelings towards me.

 

-When she came back to US, she claimed to have fallen in LOVE with her husband after 2 weeks of a honeymoon, she refused to see me, she pretended what she felt for me was some confusion, she couldn't be there for me during my emotional state, despite the times I was always there for her, she condescended on my feelings despite how fast she fell for some guy she barely really knew, and she told me to move on and never talk to her again so I could feel better (i.e. kicked out of her life).

 

- I always knew after she got married, a relationship between us was never going to happen. I was always going to come out hurt, but I ended up coming out hurt for a different reason than what I imagined. One which hurts 10x more.

 

- Note: I'm not the sort of guy who would try to get with a married girl. I always made it clear I wouldn't be talking to her if I knew she was happily married and had no feelings for me. She was the one skyping/messaging me day and night for a month.

 

Closing

 

So that's my story. When I look at things logically, I can't say I loved this girl because I never really dated her. There's no word to describe what I felt or feel about her. I saw it like a bridge towards love because, despite everything, we knew each other very well, we were aware of each other's flaws and strengths, and were always happy around each other. I was just too blind to see it before. Ever since she came back to the US and expressed herself to me the way she did, I've been an emotional rollercoaster. First three days, I couldn't eat anything. Now, the depression is on and off. I've never felt anything like this towards a girl, and I can't explain why it hurts me so much.

 

Any advice on how to cope through this? What are your opinions on what this girl did to me or in general? Should I bother trying to rebuild our friendship in the future, or attempt to forget about her forever?

[h8er]

Bro you have to let it go. She's married theres nothing you can do about it now. You have to move on. Honestly the best thing to try to get over this and is hard you have to keep your mind of her. Go see new people and talk to new girls it will help you out a lot. You have to stop talking to her. You have to end it. Thats it. YOu have to move on with your life. You can't just sit in one spot and not do nothing and keep thinking about something its to late for. Years are going to pass and your going to look back on this and realize how dumb it was trust me. All I can say is good luck man. its going to be hard but stay strong