Protocol for dating multiple guys at once, including sexual norms

[andreautick]

Ok, so I am pretty new to this "dating multiple guys" thing. I've always just gotten into pretty serious relationships right away...that or I date one guy exclusively for a week or two and then it fizzles and nothing happens or has happened at all (physically or emotionally).

 

So, now I am dating multiple guys. If they don't ask, I don't bring up exclusivity and seeing other people, but if they do I let them know I'm not ready to be exclusive with anyone right now. I haven't slept with anyone, or even been extremely physical (just kissing for now). I mean, if one of the guys seemed really stellar after we dated for a bit, I'd definitely want to be exclusive, but I'm not going to settle to just have someone safe to spend time with.

 

What I want to know from you all is, just for my own edification because I'm not experienced at this, some rules or norms. Like, is what I am doing ok and fair? If I wanted to sleep with any of them, would that be ok? How soon is too soon to sleep with a guy, do you think? Do most guys think they are dating you exclusively, even if they don't ask and you don't tell?

 

I've just noticed a pattern in my own relationships and those of my friends, that they'll start dating someone and then they are all of a sudden pseudo-married. I dont' want that. I want to be free and enjoy myself for awhile, until I find a really great guy I'm happy with. I want to do it right though, and know what is common protocol for dating and sex. Any and all views are appreciated, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and respond!

 

Have a great day!

[missouribabe]

Hey,

 

I was happy to read your post because I'm in a similar situation. I've had about three serious relationships in the past, and now I'm casually dating three guys at the same time. It's always interesting to hear how other people view these kinds of things...for example, one of my friends asked me about a particular guy I went out with, and I said I liked him but that it probably wouldn't turn into a full-blown relationship. I had only been out with him once officially, although we had been talking and emailing frequently. Anyway, she said "So, when are you gonna break up with him?" I was like "Break up? We aren't even dating! We went out once!" For me, I don't consider it dating until we've been out at least three times or so and are communicating frequently. But I have friends who jump into relationships so fast it's scary - like they go out once or twice, and all of a sudden, they're pseudo-married, like you said.

 

I think it's great to date casually - you get to know a lot of different guys this way and figure out what you want. As long as you're honest with them, i.e. if they ask you point blank about exclusivity, then I think you're fine. As for sex, that's something only you can answer...some people are more comfortable with casual sex. For me, I've realized that it leaves me feeling vulnerable, and I hate that feeling, so I don't sleep with someone until I know that we at least have something established. I've never been in the position of sleeping with several people within a short period of time, but again, if you're safe, and you feel emotionally ok with it, then I think you're fine.

 

Do you feel judged at all by your female friends? I know that I do at times...

[AndrewJ]

If a really dug a girl and found out that she was seeing other guys I would b jealous.

 

But thats just me. Unless the guys are cool with it. know i wouldnt.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by andreautick

1. Like, is what I am doing ok and fair?

2. If I wanted to sleep with any of them, would that be ok?

3. How soon is too soon to sleep with a guy, do you think?

4. Do most guys think they are dating you exclusively, even if they don't ask and you don't tell?

5. I want to be free and enjoy myself for awhile, until I find a really great guy I'm happy with.

 

First and foremost, it sounds like you are a strong woman and that's pretty good. A lot of women get so obsessed over what "people will think of them" that they can't/won't date around and just enjoy the process. Kudos to you for wanting to play the field.

 

1. As long as you are honest with yourself and the guy, then all should be well. The problems come when you lead them to believe one thing and do something different. There are tactful ways of saying it - something along the lines of "I want you to know that I enjoy my time with you, but I do see other people."

2. As long as you are ok with it, and you are protected and the guy knows what he is getting into then I don't see a problem with sleeping with whomever you want as long as it feels ok in context and it is what you both want to do.

3. Depends on the guy and the circumstance. Too soon generally speaking is when you know absolutely nothing about them - that's just casual sex and if you are into that, that's fine. Sometimes there are people with whom you have nothing in common with but blinding hot passion - the difficulties come in pretending that there is more to it than that. If you like a guy and see yourself dating him - then I would hold off on the sex until you can become close enough to have intimacy along with that passion.

4. Yes, its an ego thing. The emotionally stronger a guy is, the less likely he is to think that though unless told otherwise. It is always a good policy to be straight with any guy though.

5. Good policy! Keep your cards on the table, and you'll be just fine.

 

The only problems really - is that by being honest you are bound to come across guys (and girls) who will get ugly with you. Some men are threatened by a woman's strength and convictions when it comes to "being free and enjoying one's self" - and they'll act like your healthy sexual appetite is something dirty: unless you are doing it with only them.

 

They'll try to convince you that what you are doing is somehow pathological and wrong because you aren't jumping right into strict monogamy with the first guy that comes along. You have the right idea for yourself - and if it works for you, then that's great. Just keep it honest and safe - and you'll do fine.

[VirginiaBob]

I'm doing the same thing as you also, but from from a guy's perspective. I'm casually dating a lot of women right now, and have had multiple dates with a few of them in the same timeframe. Not getting involved in the sexual side of things yet because I don't do that unless I love them and they love me (or at least say they do and show it with thier actions), where committment would obviously be involved. The only thing I have to say about doing this from my perspective is that it takes up way too much of my time. In this busy world, it is hard enough to find the time for one person rather than several. I guess the plus side is that I meet a lot of people though. I think the down side is that because I'm dating a lot of women, I don't think of them as important enough, so I might be choosing not to have feelings for them sub-consciensely(sp) when maybe I should be.

[andreautick]

Well, that is all really good input. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who doesn't believe in immediate pseudo-marriage anymore! My parents always lecture me about how "back in their day(!)" they would just date a lot of people, and that was what everyone did. You'd get a "steady" if you really wanted, but it had to be proclaimed, and wasn't expected. They seemed to have had some really fun times with members of the opposite sex without huge commitment on any level. I think that's good, espectially for younger people.

 

I'm not into casual sex. I have never had it, nor do I plan to. But, if I see relationship potential, I don't see anything wrong with testing that part of it out after we get to know eachother. It's a tough call when is the right time, but I'm a little bit tired of dating someone for 1-3 months before sleeping with them. Then you're blind to that whole aspect of it after you've invested a lot of other stuff, and that aspect is important. Any thoughts on that?

 

Anyway, honesty is essential. I agree. Leading someone on is pretty immature and a waste of time. And VirginiaBob, I agree that it's a big time drain. I have found that (I've been "dating" 6 guys though, just going out and having a nice time). But, you know, after you realize someone isn't ever, ever going to be relationship material it's pretty safe to let them go and cut your losses (and their losses in time and money), I think.

 

Well, keep those insights coming, I really appreciate it. Thanks a lot, Happy Monday!

[Cecelius]

As a man, I don't see anything wrong with it, certainly not morally, but also not societally either. I also think it's an excellent preventative to over-dramatic relationships; I wish I'd listened to my folks when I was a kid about not rushing into things.

 

I'm also not sure that you need to be hideously open with them about what you are up to either -- I don't usually assume that a woman I am dating is only dating me.

 

As for more intimate matters, I did happen to prefer to date women who were more selective about moving onto a more physical relationship. Put it this way, I'm pretty sure that if I had a date with someone on a Saturday night who just had a more intimate encounter with another person Friday night, I would probably prefer to place my efforts someplace else. Not judgmental, just practical.

 

Lastly, my view is that generally I'm uninclined to address exclusivity before a girl does. That approach may be common among men, for good or ill.

[andreautick]

Thanks Cecelius.

 

I think all of your views are good and practical, and they are what I've been thinking, too. I don't like to bring up exclusivity really, unless it becomes an issue of practicality...like if I was bringing him back home for a weekend for some reason and I didn't know if I should introduce him as my friend or "boyfriend." Just as an example.

 

Yeah, I can't imagine sleeping with more than one person at a time within a short time span. I'd feel a little wierd about that, because like it or not, it usually starts to entail a more serious relationship or more intimate feelings. But, I mean, it's nice to have the option of leading a life filled with lust, I suppose.

 

I sense that what you are all getting at is that most people are looking for something serious, or potential for that with their dating. And, it's like test-driving cars and finding the one that fits your needs for that time. Some people like to have multiple cars, though. Personally, I can only afford the investment in one, as far as time, money, effort, and commitment (that is literally and figuratively speaking:)). But as long as the cars know they are being test driven, kinda anyway, then it should be ok. Afterall, we're all cars in this world, in a sense:)