whatcan Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I got back together with my boyfriend in January, and the end of March marked our second non-consecutive year together. I broke up with him for a couple of months because he was reluctant to move our relationship forward and was rude to me whenever he thought I was being "needy" or "clingy" (i.e., texting him more than a few times a week, wanting to talk about our relationship problems, getting upset about him not considering my feelings). I gave him another chance because some of his behavior could be explained by difficulties with his ex-wife (our relationship overlapped with their divorce). For the first month he was a dream boyfriend again. He was romantic, caring and attentive. Things got a little rocky when he wasn't able to make time for a date for three weeks but was able to see his friends, and we fought about it, but the fight ended well. I was amazed that we could get all the way through a fight at all, because in the past I never felt as if I had properly expressed myself instead of swallowing some of my feelings so he wouldn't get too upset. When my mom had hip surgery, he was very sympathetic and attentive, texting me about it every day and spending lots of time with me. My grandpa has been in the ICU (which I didn't even know - my mom hid it from me so I wouldn't panic), and his condition has suddenly taken a turn. She called me five hours ago to tell me that he was going to die and that it was too late to make the three hour drive to see him. All I could do to say goodbye was have my aunt hold the phone up to his ear and hope he could hear me say I love him while he was unconscious. We were very close; he basically raised me alongside my mom until I was 12 because she was a single parent. I have never lost someone this important to me. I told my boyfriend about it via text, and he expressed his condolences, but then he suddenly stopped talking to me. I wondered why, until I realized that tonight is when he usually goes out with his friends for drinks. When I realized that, I started shaking with anger. When my cat died, he invited me over immediately and held me, but I'm losing one of my closest relatives and he isn't here for me at all. I simply asked him, "Are you with your friends?" trying to contain the anger. His response was, "Yeah. Did you need something?" I'm pretty sure I'm going to break up with him, because this seems like an impossibly stupid and insensitive thing to do. Is it even possible at this point that he cares about me? He always tells me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, but how can I believe him when he puts time with his friends before being here for me? I'm not going to say anything to him right now because I'm too angry. I think I'll just let him wonder what he did wrong, like he does to me sometimes when I upset him. I'm hoping there's some explanation for this, like maybe he doesn't realize how much I need him right now. I love him deeply and I don't want to end everything again without considering his side. I didn't come out and tell him I wanted him here. Is it unreasonable to expect him to intuit that by what's happening? Something similar happened before I broke up with him. We were hoping to spend my birthday together, but he called me saying he couldn't make it. I asked him why and he said he had to go help his ex-wife move a couch. This stank of cheating to me, and I didn't outright accuse him, but I got very angry, and he got defensive. He apologized and brought me flowers the next day, but I guess I still haven't forgiven him, because I still think about it often. Well, maybe it turns out he's just an a-hole and I'm an overly permissive fool.
KatZee Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 You don't have proper boundaries for yourself, and the ones you do have, you let him cross. Each and every single time. So of course he's going to do whatever it is he wants, you allow it. He knows that your grandfather is someone very close to you, and he chose to see his friends instead. You are not a priority in his life. His life, his friends, and his ex-wife are. At this point, you gave him a second chance and he messed it up. No more chances. Done. 6
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss. Tonight is the night you tell this jackass to take a hike. Now, get in your car and go to your grandpa and be with your mom, she needs you as mush as you need her. 1
Author whatcan Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Should I bother telling him that it's over, or should I let him figure it out? The first breakup was very sweet and I didn't want to hurt him, but I'm not feeling so sweet right now. I just blocked him on Facebook, which might seem like an inconsequential, passive-aggressive move, but it was extremely hard for me to do. It felt like a good first step. He's been paying my internet bills as a birthday present and he wasn't planning to stop until August. Should I switch the credit card information to mine now, or am I being too hasty? I'm very emotional right now, for many obvious reasons. EDIT: Went ahead and switched out the card info. Blocked him from all social media. I just want to be away from him at this point. Edited April 3, 2014 by whatcan
Leigh 87 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 First of all, I am really sorry about your Grandfather. I wish you luck during this difficult time. I am sure he would have wanted you to be happy. I doubt someone that loved you and cared for you would want you to be with a man who took 3 weeks to plan a date with you. Remember that... those who care most for you want the very best for you. For instance, if a man skipped my birthday due to having to move his EXES couch, my parents would tell me that he is not that into me and I deserve a man who cares more for me and makes me a bigger priority. - he skipped seeing you for your BIRTHDAY to help his EX wife move a couch NO man who is totally nuts about a girl would skip her birthday to move his ex's couch. - he didn't make time for a date with you for a 3 week period. My boyfriend lives FOUR HOURS apart from yet travels via public transport to see me EVERY WEEK. - he called you "clingy" or "needy" for texting him more than a few times q WEEK. Holy crap. Guys who are really into me all texted me every day. My bf doesn't text me like 50 times a day every day, but he at least WANTS to get into contact with me ONCE or TWICE a day. This mans ACTIONS tell us that you are not the love of his life, you are some girl he enjoys spending time with. He is not into you enough to move mountains to be with you. A man who is crazy about a girl would not do any of the above things. Only men who specifically need a LOT of time alone would be like this man, and this is not common that a man cannot handle more than 4 texts per week. It is highly uncommon that a man who is really into a girl takes 3 weeks to plan a date with her. I am sorry to say this, but you have been a total door matt. You have let him call you needy for texting him a few times a week. You have let him skip your birthday to move some woman's couch. THIS is the definition of "DOOR MATT" A women with higher self respect, with BOUNDARIES and who was not desperate to settle for just ANY guy she got "butterflies" for, would have kicked his ass to the curb already. 1
Author whatcan Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Okay, okay already! I'm dumping him. My friends are rejoicing. Hopefully he will acknowledge my "it is imperative that we talk tonight" text so I can end this already. I guess it just took him doing the most OBVIOUSLY AND UTTERLY HORRIBLE thing to me that he is capable of for me to realize that he never loved me. EDIT: To add insult to injury, he didn't answer my text, and I also called him and he didn't answer. I figured he made his choice - his friends over me - and just said "It's over" in a voice mail. Left him the stuff in my apartment that he might ask for at his place, which was vacant. What I've learned: If he wasn't even willing to attempt saving a relationship that was very clearly in crisis on a day when my emotions have already been pushed to the breaking point because he's too busy with his "buds," I probably never meant anything to him. I will still think of the truly sweet moments we had together, and remember why I loved him, but he will probably refer to me from now on as "that crazy chick who left the underwear I kept at her apartment in my mailbox." Edited April 3, 2014 by whatcan 2
ja123 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Sorry to hear about your grandfather. You did the right thing by dumping this guy. Don't look back.
Els Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're deciding to dump him. If you were just looking for casual hookups then he might be the guy for you, but this dude is nowhere close to being capable of being a good long-term partner. 2
Author whatcan Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Thank you everyone for spurring me on to make this decision at last. As horrible as I made him sound, there were moments in our relationship when we were truly in love, and when he showed me incredible compassion and affection. This wasn't an easy decision, even considering that he obviously messed this up epically. Edited April 3, 2014 by whatcan 1
bluegreen Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Of course you are not moron to choose such looser that we all would right away hate you no way. In each and every relationship there are at least few moments of sparkling happiness thats just common sense we all know that. But if he is so self centered shallow and selfish not to care because he does realize your needs he does am sure he just does not care. Dumping him is what he forced you t do and since everyone around you is hands clapping and cheering how can you even doubt your decision. Sorry about your gramps
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Thank you everyone for spurring me on to make this decision at last. As horrible as I made him sound, there were moments in our relationship when we were truly in love, and when he showed me incredible compassion and affection. This wasn't an easy decision, even considering that he obviously messed this up epically. It's normal to be lovey dovey when all is smooth. You see the true nature of a person when events and issues are arising. He let you down in a moment of distress and that cannot be forgiven. 1
oz-missy Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I'm so very sorry for your loss x As for leaving this w@anker. Good on you. He obviously had every other priority but you, especially at your time of need. Stay strong. The LS peeps are here for you. I'm sure your girlfriends will be looking after you too.
Zahara Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 (edited) Thank you everyone for spurring me on to make this decision at last. As horrible as I made him sound, there were moments in our relationship when we were truly in love, and when he showed me incredible compassion and affection. This wasn't an easy decision, even considering that he obviously messed this up epically. I'm sorry for what you are going through OP. I was very close to my grandparents as well and losing them was very hard for me and still is. Having just removed myself from a similar situation, you did the right thing by ending it. The thing with these types -- when the relationship is providing them with what THEY need -- companionship, sex, comfort, convenience, good times, etc., they are at their best behavior because they have to play the right part to keep getting what they want. BUT as soon as YOU express needs in the relationship and they are required to extend themselves, that is when they start to get angry, rude, feel put upon, feel pressured, etc. It comes from an extreme level of selfishness. They're too self-absorbed to be able to give of themselves. When in dire need, he left you. That's not love or care because love and care is unconditional. This is who he is and will most likely always be. But what's more disturbing is the lack of empathy. Knowing that your partner is hurt and in pain and not being able to feel you. Again, self-absorbed. They cannot see outside of themselves. Stay away from this guy. He's only in it for the good times. When it all goes to hell, you want someone that's going to stand by you and support you through thick and thin. He's not it. Edited April 3, 2014 by Zahara
ThatMan Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Have you thought about confining in some people? It might help to talk about things, all the good memories, and how you're feeling. Maybe you can possibly drop by and visit some relatives for a bit? There's also local priests, rabbis, and grief counselors. You don't have to go at this in isolation. My condolences.
SoonMyFriend Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 We all make mistakes when it comes to love (otherwise these boards wouldn't exist!!) Don't beat yourself up over this guy, but learn from this experience and never let this jerk do this to you again. I am sorry you had to do this at such a tough time in your life. You deserve a lot better. Just take the time to grieve for both of these losses (your grandfather and you ex).
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