Sometimes I wish I lived the stereotypical "player" lifestyle

April 2, 2014

So I'm finishing up my therapy sessions with a therapist I was going to. He asked me "what do you want to accomplish with the opposite sex?" Then he asked me to really think about it. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that I just want to have satisfying sex with different women. I thought I really wanted a girlfriend but then I don't think that's where my head is at in this current state.

I just graduated college last year in June. I didn't have sex with any girls there. All of my friends did. Girlfriends, hookups, and everything in between. I left college without even having so much as a kiss. I was pretty much invisible but I was friends with a lot of girls on a platonic level. It really got to me. I didn't know what to do or how I could crack the code to having sex. When graduation day arrived, I had in the back of my mind how I screwed up the easiest chance in my life to have sex. I was devastated. If I couldn't get laid in college, then I was out of luck. I just came to the conclusion that I was unattractive and I'd be a virgin for the rest of my days. Then, I moved to New York with my friend I went to college with.

We shared an apartment and every week, he was bringing back a new girl. He's incredibly good with women and he taught me some things but I can't translate them. I went to the gym and I wasn't seeing results. I was about to quit. Then my friend said "stick with it". Then out of nowhere, I started gaining weight. I still have a long way to go but it's progress nonetheless.

I now live by myself in my own apartment, but I still go out with friends. My feelings of not having sex have gone down quite a bit but they're still there. I always think in the back of my mind how I'm a virgin. I have quite a lot of friends that have a lot of girls on rotation. One guy I know has had sex with over 150 women and he's only my age. He's also a player. In a way, I wish I was him.

He finds it so easy to talk to and seduce women that they pretty much go after him after the initial opening. He has sex with a lot of beautiful women too. In a way, I wish I had a high sex number count because it would let me know that I'm not unattractive.

I guess what I'm saying is I just want the lust or admiration of women because it would be so much easier to be with them. But I don't have any of that. Is it normal to feel this way? To feel envious of other guys and feel terrible about being a virgin at this age?

April 2, 2014

First of all, stop comparing yourself to your friends. Also, stop letting sex be the focus of your self worth. Stop focusing on your virginity, it is overwhelming you and making you nervous around women. When I was single, I enjoyed women, I loved hanging out with them, talking to them, being with them, doing activities with them and yes, I had lots of casual sex with them....and I wasn't a player. A player is someone who manipulates, lies and deceives in order to get sex. That isn't something to strive for...just stop thinking of women as a numbers game, as a way to boost your ego, and treat them like human beings whom you enjoy. Yes, there are bad girls as there are bad boys, but be smart and learn how to spot the difference. Bringing a girl home from a bar isn't a gauge of your worth. Using people for your own ego is shallow and will leave you hollow. Try being friends, real friends, try having fun and enjoying being with women. They aren't objects, but people.

Good luck,

Grumps

April 2, 2014

First of all, stop comparing yourself to your friends. Also, stop letting sex be the focus of your self worth. Stop focusing on your virginity, it is overwhelming you and making you nervous around women. When I was single, I enjoyed women, I loved hanging out with them, talking to them, being with them, doing activities with them and yes, I had lots of casual sex with them....and I wasn't a player. A player is someone who manipulates, lies and deceives in order to get sex. That isn't something to strive for...just stop thinking of women as a numbers game, as a way to boost your ego, and treat them like human beings whom you enjoy. Yes, there are bad girls as there are bad boys, but be smart and learn how to spot the difference. Bringing a girl home from a bar isn't a gauge of your worth. Using people for your own ego is shallow and will leave you hollow. Try being friends, real friends, try having fun and enjoying being with women. They aren't objects, but people.
Good luck,
Grumps

I'm not necessarily talking about being a "player" but living their type of lifestyle, sex with numerous girls. It's really easy for you to say "stop thinking of women as a numbers game" because as you said yourself, you naturally found yourself in situations with women to have sex. I've never found it natural, that's why I find it sort of a big deal. People say "oh it's just sex, it isn't a big deal" but it's a big deal for me. The people that say this... had a lot of sex in their teens and early twenties. One stage is over for me already and the next is coming to a close in a couple of years. A lot of people will be seeking marriage soon and I haven't even gone on a date... What does that say about me?

April 2, 2014

I'm not necessarily talking about being a "player" but living their type of lifestyle, sex with numerous girls. It's really easy for you to say "stop thinking of women as a numbers game" because as you said yourself, you naturally found yourself in situations with women to have sex. I've never found it natural, that's why I find it sort of a big deal. People say "oh it's just sex, it isn't a big deal" but it's a big deal for me. The people that say this... had a lot of sex in their teens and early twenties. One stage is over for me already and the next is coming to a close in a couple of years. A lot of people will be seeking marriage soon and I haven't even gone on a date... What does that say about me?

That you lack confidence. And dating is all about confidence.

April 3, 2014

I'm not necessarily talking about being a "player" but living their type of lifestyle, sex with numerous girls. It's really easy for you to say "stop thinking of women as a numbers game" because as you said yourself, you naturally found yourself in situations with women to have sex. I've never found it natural, that's why I find it sort of a big deal. People say "oh it's just sex, it isn't a big deal" but it's a big deal for me. The people that say this... had a lot of sex in their teens and early twenties. One stage is over for me already and the next is coming to a close in a couple of years. A lot of people will be seeking marriage soon and I haven't even gone on a date... What does that say about me?

Sex is a lot like the air we breathe. It's not really that big of a deal...unless you are not getting any.

What you are feeling is certainly understandable. You sound like a smart guy with plenty of guy friends that know what they are doing with women. I'd use that analytical mind to work on figuring out what women find attractive and what you could do to attract them.

Working out in the gym is a good baseline. Obviously the next step is attitude. Other posters have mentioned confidence and they are absolutely right. But there is more to it than that. You have to come to the realization that much of what you have been told about how to attract women has been misinformation. Also, treating women like you would think they want to be treated (based on the media and RomComs) also doesn't work. In fact, doing much of those thing that put women on a pedistal is sexual repellant. All the things you have been doing is fine if you want to be in the 'friend zone' of many women, but it is not the behavior that will make women want to have sex with you.

If that is what you want, there is plenty of free (and paid) information available on the internet and at your local bookstore. Much of it is silly, but a fair amount of it works. Once you figure out how women think, it becomes relatively easy. Do some research on "game' sites to get an idea of what some 'game gurus' think works. Some does and some does not. You don't have to act on any of this information if you don't want to, but it might give you a better understanding of the female mind. I bet a lot of what you are currently doing to try to attract the affection of women is actually repelling them

Your twenties are still going to be a little hard. But if you keep working on your career during your twenties, you will see the sexual power shift that happens between 30 and 35. In the meantime, keep developing yourself and your interests. Make yourself into a great catch and have the attitude you are a great catch.

It can be done with a bit of effort and research.

April 3, 2014

Sex is a lot like the air we breathe. It's not really that big of a deal...unless you are not getting any.

What you are feeling is certainly understandable. You sound like a smart guy with plenty of guy friends that know what they are doing with women. I'd use that analytical mind to work on figuring out what women find attractive and what you could do to attract them.

Working out in the gym is a good baseline. Obviously the next step is attitude. Other posters have mentioned confidence and they are absolutely right. But there is more to it than that. You have to come to the realization that much of what you have been told about how to attract women has been misinformation. Also, treating women like you would think they want to be treated (based on the media and RomComs) also doesn't work. In fact, doing much of those thing that put women on a pedistal is sexual repellant. All the things you have been doing is fine if you want to be in the 'friend zone' of many women, but it is not the behavior that will make women want to have sex with you.

If that is what you want, there is plenty of free (and paid) information available on the internet and at your local bookstore. Much of it is silly, but a fair amount of it works. Once you figure out how women think, it becomes relatively easy. Do some research on "game' sites to get an idea of what some 'game gurus' think works. Some does and some does not. You don't have to act on any of this information if you don't want to, but it might give you a better understanding of the female mind. I bet a lot of what you are currently doing to try to attract the affection of women is actually repelling them

Your twenties are still going to be a little hard. But if you keep working on your career during your twenties, you will see the sexual power shift that happens between 30 and 35. In the meantime, keep developing yourself and your interests. Make yourself into a great catch and have the attitude you are a great catch.

It can be done with a bit of effort and research.

Thanks for your comment, but I know that women don't like to be treated how they do in "romcoms". I know that there's a huge discrepancy between what women do and what they say. I studied PUA and game extensively in the beginning of college. I pretty much ditched PUA and game doesn't really work for me. I know girls like being treated like meat in a way. I also know that guys who exhibit these traits they call the "dark triad" get laid the most. I just can't bring myself to that. I know what attracts women and what doesn't. All game did was let me realize these behaviors so I don't repel them. Still can't attract, either way.

I'd also hate to only be attracting women starting at 30.

Edited April 3, 2014 by Ryan R.

April 3, 2014

Thanks for your comment, but I know that women don't like to be treated how they do in "romcoms". I know that there's a huge discrepancy between what women do and what they say. I studied PUA and game extensively in the beginning of college. I pretty much ditched PUA and game doesn't really work for me. I know girls like being treated like meat in a way. I also know that guys who exhibit these traits they call the "dark triad" get laid the most. I just can't bring myself to that. I know what attracts women and what doesn't. All game did was let me realize these behaviors so I don't repel them. Still can't attract, either way.

Well, it sounds like you have been exposed to some tools that work for some (by the way, I agree with you about not liking PUA, but game is different and I do recommend that). From here you can hope to find a like minded, take it slow, girl. I'm sure there are some in NYC. Or you can just wait it out until you are in your early to mid 30s and all of the player women want to jump off the carousel and marry a beta. If you have a good job and are in decent shape, they will start throwing themselves at you at that point in your life, especially the single moms.

April 3, 2014

The meaning of words is constantly evolving.

Player is actually the correct term. However in some circles, but not yet all, it has taken on a secondary definition of a man who manipulates women.

April 3, 2014

I've had these thoughts too but I never wanted to change places with most of these guys because most are losers outside of success with women(aside from my brother).

April 3, 2014

By what standard have you declared them losers? Almost every one that I have known, married late to a woman many years younger, and have gone on to have great families and very successful business careers.

My friend whom I have known since grade school, just returned from Australia where they watched the Grand Prix, and are now wintering in their condo in Aspen.

My Ex, who I know shared his bed with at least a hundred women before marrying me, caught me cheating and never looked back. I'm sure he went thru another hundred before settling on his current lady. He is in his 70's she is a hot looking in her 50's. Over Christmas I discovered that they are living in my dream house, that I have been in love with for years. Yes he is quite successful as is she.

April 3, 2014

I guess its normal to feel envious about it, especially if you are struggling with your self-worth sexually and see all these guys around you so comfortable with it. I cannot say I was envious, but I was very critical of myself as a result.

I don't know what to tell you about living te player lifestyle, because I've never lived it nor do I really wish to. All I can say is alot of those I know who live it tend to learn early that you gotta get out of your head and simply enjoy women's company for the sake of it.

April 3, 2014

By what standard have you declared them losers? Almost every one that I have known, married late to a woman many years younger, and have gone on to have great families and very successful business careers.

My friend whom I have known since grade school, just returned from Australia where they watched the Grand Prix, and are now wintering in their condo in Aspen.

My Ex, who I know shared his bed with at least a hundred women before marrying me, caught me cheating and never looked back. I'm sure he went thru another hundred before settling on his current lady. He is in his 70's she is a hot looking in her 50's. Over Christmas I discovered that they are living in my dream house, that I have been in love with for years. Yes he is quite successful as is she.

Hs dropouts, don't have jobs or mediocre MW jobs, broke, in and out of jail etc.

How old are you because I think this is where the disconnect is. I'm 22

April 3, 2014

It's completely normal to feel this way. Just keep working on yourself like you are in the gym. I think you have to find a way to break the chain. Just start hitting on chicks until you get use to it, and get better at it. If you hit an 100 chicks there's got to be 1 that'll give you shot. Sleep with her even if she's not smoking hot. I think that would give a lot of confidence, or maybe you'll end up really liking her.

April 4, 2014

In the crowd that I moved in the term player, replaced the term juggler in the 60's, a single man who was able to date multiple knowing women at the same time,

70's "Dead Player" - Single man engaged to get married or a married man

April 4, 2014

I sometimes consider that option as well and you know what i came to? that is not me! i wouldn't even know how to go about doing that and that it just isn't my style and is against my ways of doing things.

My advice is always be yourself, because at the end of the day you are who you choose to be, not what society says you are or expects you to be.

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Sometimes I wish I lived the stereotypical "player" lifestyle

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