Lake Ian Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 Hi all (esp LucreziBorgia). I need your advice. I am 38 years old and have been involved with a 29 year old woman. We have been together 4.5 years. We live in separate countries but due to my job, I see her in different countries every 5-6 weeks for one week at a time. I was 34 and she 24 at that time. We both met when we were both involved with others. Bluntly put, we were both cheating on our current significant others. This was not an ideal beginning but we seem to fit well together even though we hurt the other exes at the time. We truly loved each other -- at least for the first 2 years --before things got worse. They got worse for the following reasons/fights: -She knows I have issues with meeting our exes since she has a history of 'overlaps' with exes. She wanted to meet an ex in London where I now live to help her get a job. She lied about meeting him secretly -She does not want to have children because it will make her 'fatter' and ruin her career in performing arts (I want at least the option of having children if we get married) -She is not willing to give up her career and move to London (even though I would financially support her) unless we are engaged. Yet I felt pressured to artifically proposed to her to take the next step to see if we can actually live together in the same city We were engaged for 1 year when I proposed to her on the Eifel Tower. But due to the fights and her exes, I called it off which upset a lot of family members. After more big fights (and small ones), we both have been detached the last 2 years. We were off/on for 1 year now. Then things got worse. She complained that we lacked intimacy, passion and chemistry in our relationship. I lacked the appreciation, priority over her work and understanding. So during our 'off/on' period, I found a new woman (who does not know of the first girlfriend). This second girlfriend is PERFECT in every way and I would have married her IF I have never met the first girlfriend. I feel that I am still trying to resolve the issues with the first girlfriend yet the second is so perfect. I know what I have done is absolutely wrong and is unfair to both girls. I have also lowered my integrity to almost nothing. The 2nd GF is closer to 40 and was indirectly pushing for a proposal. Eventually, through sheer stupidity and lack of thinking, I proposed even though I did not truly love her and was hung up on 2nd GF. When I confessed to the 1st girlfriend, she was upset that I had another gild now. But then she confessed that she is intimate with an married man in her industry. So here are my current thinking: -Despite me being a complete jerk and self-centered, both women still want to marry me -1st girlfriend I LOVE but 2nd GF I love less yet is practical and suit what I am looking for in a wife (and I will have to tell her about 1st girlfriend eventually) -2nd GF does and say all the right things to make both of us happy and she brings out the best in me -2nd girlfriend always put me ahead of her work and everything else that was lacking with the 1st GF -Even though I just committed the same act, I don't know if I can forgive her for going with married guy. I am shattered to think she would disrespects the institution of marriage which lead me to believe she might do the same when we are married -If I pick 1st GF, she will need to forgive me, I need to forgive her, we need to resolve our root cause of why we stray and then heal and move forward. I don't know if we have the mettle to overcome this -Or should I SETTLE with the 2nd GF? -Or even at my age, keep looking for BOTH LOVE and PRACTICALITIES (same values, backgrounds, perspectives)? Please advice. Desperate in Lake Ian
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 31, 2005 Posted January 31, 2005 The really hard question: Why do you love that first woman? Is it her you love, or the hopes/desires/expectations you pinned onto her? I think you are in love with love in this case, because this woman - stripped of all love and romance in the relationship is emotionally shallow, deceptive, and just plain a wrong fit for you in terms of what you want from the relationship and your future (the kids thing is a biggie). I know you love her, but can you truly say you like her as a person outside of your relationship with her? we lacked intimacy, passion and chemistry Intimacy is one of those things like sharks. If it doesn't continue to move forward, it dies. Passion is conditionally infinite. Under certain conditions it may be terminal and it may be sparked again - but it won't be easy. You can't reignite passion when one partner lacks the motivation to do so. When chemistry is lacking, its lacking. Period. You can't fake chemistry where there is none. In continuing your relationship with her and trying to fix it, you will be resurrecting a still warm body which may possibly still be alive. You and this first woman, should you decide to stay with her - will need to abolish all you have behind you (including the proposal to woman #2) and start over again. You will need to address those issues which keep you from being monogamous and committed. If you decide to marry, you will need to establish some sort of proximity, so one of you will have to move closer to the other - do not marry unless you have had a good long session of counseling. Through counseling you may find that you have something there salvageable, or you may find that the two of you simply don't have what it takes to fully meet each other's needs and never will despite whatever bonds you have. If I had to put money on it, based on your post I'd be betting on the "you two cannot meet each other's needs and its not likely you ever will" - so, your relationship with this woman will probably never measure up to the potential and hopes you have for it. If you stay, you will spend a long time this way in this purgatory and will wake up one day and realize you threw away many years: years in which you could have rebuilt your heart, found a woman who was a perfect fit for you, had children, established a base for yourself... So, on to the next - do you settle? As long as woman #1 represents your hopes and expectations - then any woman you are with is going to be 'settling' - because she won't be woman #1. Should you decide to move on to woman #2 - then again, you'll want to break off the engagement with woman #1 and cut her off completely and set up some counseling with woman #2 before marriage to be sure (among other things) that the cheating from the first relationship was just unique to that relationship. Sometimes people will cheat ONLY in the context of a given relationship. Sometimes there are things inherent in their emotional makeup which leave them constantly trying to fill some old hole inside - no matter what sort of relationship it is. If you want to work it out with woman #2, then you owe it to yourself and to her to be sure about it. keep looking for BOTH LOVE and PRACTICALITIES (same values, backgrounds, perspectives) Yes, definitely. Heck, I'd advise backing off from both women and setting yourself up with some individual counseling - sounds like there is a lot to work out that the relationships with both women are symptomatic of, rather than causal. Get your heart together first, and then consider the choice: exorcize this addictive demon from your heart, or tame it. Neither will be easy.
chickontheside Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 Desperate in Lake Ian... The bad thing about starting something without finishing something else is that you cannot be sure what you're true feelings are with GF #2. Because you were basically rebounding and looking for someone willing to satisfy your needs who put you first you are SETTLING, she is just a filler. GF #1 seems selfish and untrustworthy, although you are just as guilty as she is, but then again aren't we all when we end up in these types of relationship situations. You should defintely get rid of GF #1 because there seems to be no resolution to the differences you have. She does not want some of the fundamental things you want out of life (children, her to move to see if you guys could really make it work, value system differences, etc.) She is trying to force your hand by giving you the utlimatum of a proposal or marriage when you guys do not know if you are truly compatible. The excitement of hooking up once a week every month and half and the reality of normal stressors that are on a relationship when the fun stops and the real work begins can be a disasterous combination. Living together is nothing like your mini vacations bi-monthly when all is right in the world and everyone is happy because you are caught up in the romance and whirlwind... GF #2 deserves more from you. At least the respect of you being honest and forthright with her. If your feelings are not the same as hers you will only end up continuing to look for what you really want even though she seems to fit the bill (for now)... That is SETTLING and if you want a trophy wife go for it! My money is on the fact that you want something real and more substantial than that so keep your eyes and heart open and love yourself enough to be alone for a little while until you find the right person for you. Chick on the Side "Relationships either grow or they die!"
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2005 Posted February 1, 2005 You need some YOU time. Be alone, live life alone and figure out if one of those women is meant to be with you. Honestly, from what you say, I can't see you being with either of them long term/forever. Maybe it is time to break it off with them both and find someone who is inlove with you just as you will be inlove with them. Just seems like alot of pain and uncomforableness in your life and you don't sound like a happy person. Good luck!
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