sfcvn123 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 To summarize what happened, my ex of about 1 year broke up with me 4 months ago because he lost feelings (possible GIGS as well) but he wanted to see if we can remain friends since we were childhood friends and we had a great relationship. I started dating other people and I accidentally ran into my ex’s coworker 1 month after the breakup. The coworker and I shared stories about our past and I inadvertently told the coworker some private details about my ex while I was talking about myself. It’s kind of hard not to mention my ex since he was such a big part of my life. My ex found out his coworker and I were talking and he got extremely angry at me for talking about the past and his private business. He never let me explain what happened and blocked all forms of contact through email, phone, and social media. I feel like this is all a big misunderstanding and I have tried reaching out to him on several occasions to explain my side of the story, but he continues to ignore all my attempts at contact. He even started avoiding me in public places whenever he sees me. My last attempt to contact my ex was two months ago and I wrote him an apology letter, but I’m not sure if he’s even read it, or if he did he’s still ignoring me. My ex’s coworker and I aren't dating but we decided to remain friends and hang out occasionally. I know my ex and his coworker are fairly close and talk about a lot of stuff, including private details about me (hypocrisy much?). I don’t really care if he talks about me, but what made me mad was my ex has recently started giving his coworker the same silent treatment that he’s giving me. His explanation was he wants to keep his relationship with the coworker on a professional basis. My ex and his coworker were friends on social media, but my ex did the same thing to the coworker that he did to me and blocked the coworker. I’m not sure what caused this recent change in my ex’s behavior towards his coworker, but I believe that my ex didn't like seeing pictures and updates that the coworker posted on social media of us hanging out together. This type of behavior of cutting people that care about him out of his life and ignoring them is something I have noticed my ex doing repeatedly before. He has done this to his previous exes and people he doesn't like that have offended him in some way. He gives them the silent treatment and pretends they don’t exist even if they’re together at the same social gatherings. He internalizes everything and doesn't open up. As stupid as it sounds, I still care about him and want to talk about what happened. If I offended him by talking about him, then I want him to at least know it wasn't intentional. I know he’s a good person and has his own internal demons that he’s fighting. He’s excellent at his job and fun to hang around. I’m at a dead end on what to do in this situation and would appreciate some advice. I am wondering if my ex was even serious about being friends or did he say that to soften the blow of the breakup and alleviate his guilt. He’s certainly not acting much like a friend right now and it seems like I’m the one putting in all the effort to salvage our friendship. Is he doing this to move on? I know he’s been dating around a lot immediately after the breakup and probably doesn't like that I’m around as a reminder of the past. I’m still friends with a lot of his close friends, so would it be wise to talk to them instead to gauge his mood? Or should I stick to no contact and give him more time and space? When should I reach out again, or should I let him reach out instead? Any advice would be appreciated.
Zahara Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 (edited) I’m still friends with a lot of his close friends, so would it be wise to talk to them instead to gauge his mood? Or should I stick to no contact and give him more time and space? When should I reach out again, or should I let him reach out instead? Any advice would be appreciated. Leave the man alone. Enough of chasing him. Don't talk to his friends. Don't gauge his mood. Don't give him space. Don't reach out again. Stay NC and move on. You had a break-up. He ended it with you. When you have a break-up, you move away from each other's lives and you heal. You don't discuss them with mutual co-workers, mutual friends. You stay away from people that may have a connection to him because you don't want to create drama, or be triggered or be involved in the ex's life. Your priority is to grieve and heal. When time has passed and you have moved on from this, feeling indifference, if you want to revisit the ex, then by all means. Never before. There was no need for you to divulge your issues/his issues with your ex to this co-worker. Did you not think the story would go back? I wonder if you did it to get a reaction from the ex or was it because you were angry and wanted to inflict some damage. And he probably mentioned friends because that is what dumpers do. Friends allow them to have you on the backburner and it alleviates their guilt because as friends, they are still in your good graces. Edited April 2, 2014 by Zahara 2
Author sfcvn123 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I am doing my best to move on, but it sucks that it ended on a negative note because of a misunderstanding. There was no need for you to divulge your issues/his issues with your ex to this co-worker. Did you not think the story would go back? I wonder if you did it to get a reaction from the ex or was it because you were angry and wanted to inflict some damage. I was angry, but never to the point of intentionally hurting my ex. I knew it would get back to my ex because my ex already told the coworker some private details about my life so I assumed he would be okay with me discussing the same things.
Zahara Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the advice. I am doing my best to move on, but it sucks that it ended on a negative note because of a misunderstanding. I was angry, but never to the point of intentionally hurting my ex. I knew it would get back to my ex because my ex already told the coworker some private details about my life so I assumed he would be okay with me discussing the same things. Actions have repercussions. Unfortunately, a misunderstanding that cannot be reversed in his eyes. I am not sure what you mentioned to the co-worker but whatever transpired resulted in him shunning you. I'm not sure why it's affected him so much, but alternatively, the silent treatment is inflicted on someone as a form or punishment -- a form of emotional abuse whereby the one that is being shunned is emotionally and mentally affected by the silence inflicted. It's control. Whether he is doing it to you to teach you a lesson or because he just needs to get away from you and move on, I don't know. But when someone gives you the silent treatment -- IT IS A RESPONSE. It's loud and clear. So you need to stop chasing him when he's giving you his answer. Stop recounting stories with your ex to these people that know him. Stay NC and move on. You can't really invest yourself in moving on when you keep triggering and involving yourself via friend, co-workers, social media, etc. Cut it all off. If you want to talk to the co-worker, then anything about the ex or you is not allowed. He can't go gossip about you and he can't gossip to you. You cannot move on if you keep this way. Edited April 2, 2014 by Zahara
KaliLove Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I didn't really need to read the thread to give advice on this one (I did anyway but still..). The title was enough. He's your ex. He doesn't owe you anything. He doesn't need to pay attention to you if he doesn't want to. 1
Trovador Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 You did dodge a bullet, sfcvn... who would want to put up with a person like him? Thanks Heavens you realized what kind of man he really is now... A coward, that is what he is and I don't care if you get angry at my words, in fact, I find hard to believe that you still are pursuing him... yes, pursuing him, under the guise of apologies and looking for a closure or whatever... I doesn't mind whether he is a friend from kindergarten, what does mind is the now and the here... and here and now he is a despicable man... Seriously, go back to yourself...
Author sfcvn123 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 Thanks for all the help everyone. This is all very useful advice. You did dodge a bullet, sfcvn... who would want to put up with a person like him? Thanks Heavens you realized what kind of man he really is now... A coward, that is what he is and I don't care if you get angry at my words, in fact, I find hard to believe that you still are pursuing him... yes, pursuing him, under the guise of apologies and looking for a closure or whatever... I doesn't mind whether he is a friend from kindergarten, what does mind is the now and the here... and here and now he is a despicable man... Seriously, go back to yourself... Dodging a bullet... that's not the first time someone told me that exact statement. Thanks for being so blunt though. I'm actually not quite sure myself why I keep trying so hard to reach out. Maybe it's because he and I were good friends before all this mess. I don't really like people staying mad at me, whether it be an ex or a friend, so my personality calls for resolutions to conflicts. It's a shame though, because I remember him saying we have to talk about stuff that upset us, and he also told me he learned how to be a better communicator through our relationship... but he's doing the exact opposite right now. I realize for my own sanity, I will continue no contact. The first month has been difficult to comprehend, but it's been getting progressively easier with time. I don't feel the need to reach out to him, just talking about it helps. One question though, what do I do if I run into him in public? Do I say hi and smile, wave, simple head nod, or completely ignore him like he doesn't exist?
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 One question though, what do I do if I run into him in public? Do I say hi and smile, wave, simple head nod, or completely ignore him like he doesn't exist? Why do I get the sneaky suspicion you will some how manifest an"accidental" run in with him in public? Regardless, I personally wouldn't do anything. It's clear he wants nothing to do with you so why would you bother acknowledging him at all? I'd be willing to bet he would just walk on by. Work on healing from this and stop daydreaming about all the "what if's" because it will only drive you crazy and keep you from moving on once and for all. Good luck! 1
forgetmenot75 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Could you please stop trying so hard to make this man to pay attention to you? Don't you see he is not interested in hearing you? Don't you see you made a mistake and the best way to repair it is to stop looking so desperate a respect the no contact? Who cares if you don't like him to b e mad at you? You shouldn't care for sure. At the end, the guy doesn't want yo talk to you or have any further contact with you. Stop making mistakes and stay no contact. 2
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