kkdmiami Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 after 13 years he tells me he doesn't love me anymore, but wants to be best friends. we have been together every day for our entire relationship, living together since the 6month point. the sex life has been nonexistent for about 2 years, but we seemingly still were having a great time together...we never did anything apart. we argued but only over trivial **** like what/where to eat or what we watched on the TV. when we go out we always have a blast together. then one day he tells me he doesn't want to be together as a couple anymore and that he deserves it all. then he goes away for a weekend for work, comes home and that day he comes home, tells me he is going out on a date. wait, what? we haven't even talked or figured anything out. he says he wants to see a counselor, but that i would have to pay for it. he then continues to start seeing another person. he tells me they just met...i am so angry and hurt. how can i believe that he just met this person, after he told me he doesn't love me when literally it was a matter of 3 days since he told me, then left and then the day he gets back i have to accept there everthing as is? how can i be friends with you? how can i go from being there with you day in and day out to nothing. seems to me that saying he wants to be friends is lip service, but i am so beside myself with disbelief....i look like an idiot. i am a fool who has been dumped and now am trying to figure out if i need to kick him out of the house or live with this person and honestly be friends. i am so confused. i feel like i want to tell him to never see or speak to me again...ugh!
Zahara Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 You move out or he moves out. There is no staying together and being friends while he is dating other women. It's not going to work in your favor. Can you imagine him bringing someone over while you are there? It's insane. You cannot be friends with someone that you are emotionally and romantically involved with. Most likely he has been seeing this woman a lot longer than what he claims. You need to separate yourself from him and do it soon. 2
lara 77 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 he is extrmely selfish and insecure person he did not bother telling u about his moving on in case if he cant and you do... how mean is this... and ASAP you leave him and there is abslutely no need to plead him and run afetr him as he is already satisfying his ego beyond believe... and u gonna give him more kick you are hurt and will be hurt more in this process also you dont even need to tell him that you dont want to see him and speak with him... as i feel you are still trying to hook on to him and may be wishing that he might change his mind.. two years nonexistent sex??? big red flag with intiself... and i agree with zahara he has been seeing this and many other women in the past as well just leave him and move on... you deserve much much better total NC.. xx 1
Author kkdmiami Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 yes, you are probably right...I may be trying to keep the idea of keeping our relationship as even friends alive...why am I being so dumb about this. i just cant wrap my head around this...i am feeling so disgusting about myself. first he pushes me away, but we maintain a relationship for so long that i am now just comfortable and afraid of being alone. i lost myself into the relationship. all our friends are our friends. everything we did, we did together, as a pair and now i am here alone and feeling terrible about myself. i know i need to just end this entire thing, but going it alone is frightening to me as of today. i can't get on board with this at all.
Zahara Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 yes, you are probably right...I may be trying to keep the idea of keeping our relationship as even friends alive...why am I being so dumb about this. i just cant wrap my head around this...i am feeling so disgusting about myself. first he pushes me away, but we maintain a relationship for so long that i am now just comfortable and afraid of being alone. i lost myself into the relationship. all our friends are our friends. everything we did, we did together, as a pair and now i am here alone and feeling terrible about myself. i know i need to just end this entire thing, but going it alone is frightening to me as of today. i can't get on board with this at all. Of course it is frightening. Change is difficult. Especially when you've lived your life a certain way and have grown dependent on someone else to provide you with support and happines. Having that ripped away from you is a hard concept to grasp. Nonetheless, it's happening. And you can't get board with the idea because you are probably still in denial. I told my therapist once, "I am afraid to be alone." Then she asked me, "What are you afraid of?" I didn't even know what I was afraid of. I sat there quiet and thinking very hard. How did I survive before my ex? I survived. I know 13 years is a long time but just as you grew accustom to him and the relationship, you will grow accustom to your independence and your life without him. It's going to be painful and it's going to hurt but the best thing to do is ride that wave and let it take you. I don't think it's in your favor to stick around and keep him in your life. It's only going to prolong your hurt and keep you miserable.
Lifegoezon Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Ok. For this one I need to go way back. To the marriage that ended after 12 years and the next ltr that ended after 9 years. Both producing children. You can disentangle. You can go back to being a single unit instead of a duo. Believe that. It takes time but many people do it. More than once. No you can't live together. But you can treat this as the next phase of your life that involves new things and new people. New experiences. Maybe a whole new you! Read these threads, there are many stories of successful moving on. I moved from the husband to the next partner and later to my recent ex. At each one of those breakups I thought my life was over and I was wrong every time. This time for me I know my life's not over. Next phase coming up!
Author kkdmiami Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 Fear of the unknown I guess. Fear of losing the one friend I have/had, but I guess that is lost now...I know time will tell, it is just so soon. Thank you for your positive feedback. I really need the encouragement right about now. I am starting with a therapist tomorrow, because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this....as I said, our friends are OUR friends and I think I am too embarrassed to talk even to them about anything.
Zahara Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Fear of the unknown I guess. Fear of losing the one friend I have/had, but I guess that is lost now...I know time will tell, it is just so soon. Thank you for your positive feedback. I really need the encouragement right about now. I am starting with a therapist tomorrow, because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this....as I said, our friends are OUR friends and I think I am too embarrassed to talk even to them about anything. Everyday is an unknown, whether you're with someone or without someone. You lived the "unknown" when you were single and you'll live it again. The thing is every relationship, at some point you will be left alone, whether through a break-up, separation, divorce or death. At some point you are going to be alone, facing the unfamiliar. The "unknown" sounds dark. One friend. I remember when I divorced, I lost that one friend. When you make your life all about one person, when it crashes, you're left with nothing. Best to always have a life outside of your partner. Friends, hobbies, activities, interests -- that way you still maintain your individuality and your independence, even when that part of your life leaves you. Lessons to learn for the future. It's great that you are seeing a therapist. It will help you put in order your thoughts as you struggle through this and also find the coping skills to manage this. And by all means, keep posting. 2
lioness84 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 OMG I feel so sorry for you!!!! You need to kick him out or leave! Honestly, do not put up with this bull****! You can't just be his friend like nothing ever happened between the two of you. That's so disgusting! The fact he's dating after JUST telling you and while he's still living with you is HORRIBLE. I agree, he's a very selfish person and you shouldn't put up with this. You have every right to be angry and hurt
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