SummerRains Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I just joined this site as I am in desperate need for advice. I will try to make this short as possible. 1. We live 2.5 Hours away from each other. 2.We have been engaged for almost 2 months. He was remolding a house it burnt and he lives in a camper for now. He is planning on building cabins on his land which is on the water for second income. Which may be years from now but he has no rushed plans at all on us getting married soon although it is very stressful being in a long distance relationship on both of us. He really doesn't need a second income as he makes very good money but ALWAYS claims to be broke. He hardly has any bills at all. 3. Our sex life is pretty much none existing. He wants me to please him but only worries about my pleasure about every 2 months. He did trade one of his automobiles for me a car because my was tearing up. The way he starts sex is by saying" Give me a blow job" Always! Never does he start by kissing me. I get so tired of this but when I refuse he brings up that he bought my a car and I should jump when he wants this. I've tired and tired to talk to him about our sex but he only gets mad and nothing ever changes. And he watches porn all the time! 4. He always interrupts me when I'm talking weather it's about what I was talking aboutor a totally different subject. I bring this to his attention he he says " If I don't say what is on my mind as soon as it pops up I will forget it". If I do have a chance to finish speaking he will say about one or two things about it then it turns to him 5. He gripes all the time. He don't see his kids enough. ( Which he could see them more but chooses his hobby usually over spending time with them or me 6. We only see each other Friday through Sunday. He gets to my house late Friday and gets up very early the next morning to go enjoy his hobby and comes back late at night and we watch a movie and he falls asleep. Wakes up the next morning and leaves to enjoy his hobby andthen leaves to go back home or watch another movie and go to sleep. 6. Very rarely do we do anything together. When we watch a movie its what he wants to watch. When we go out it turns into what he wants to do. 7. Should I stay with him? I love him and on the rare occasions we do have a good dayit is very good. Please help me make the right decision??
Poppyolive Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Obviously only you know the answer deep down, and for you yo come here and write tells me you already know your answer. Here is a wonderland of knowledge.. Welcome From what you wrote I think the relationship has lost its spark and has become routine.. If I were you and I had strong love for this man I would have a long talk about the things listed above, share what it is you'd like, don't like and invite him to do the same. All relationships need maintanace. Just like a house, if its not maintained cracks appear.... Give yourself in your own mind a time frame for these changes to accur... You also gave to meet him half way eg.. You talk about sex is not existant...then he has to work at changing that and you should too. If by that certain time if they haven't changed, you still feel the same at least you have trued, you are certain this is not for you then you could have a serious talk about moving on.. Hope this helps.... 1
Babolat Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Obviously only you know the answer deep down, and for you yo come here and write tells me you already know your answer. Here is a wonderland of knowledge.. Welcome From what you wrote I think the relationship has lost its spark and has become routine.. If I were you and I had strong love for this man I would have a long talk about the things listed above, share what it is you'd like, don't like and invite him to do the same. All relationships need maintanace. Just like a house, if its not maintained cracks appear.... Give yourself in your own mind a time frame for these changes to accur... You also gave to meet him half way eg.. You talk about sex is not existant...then he has to work at changing that and you should too. If by that certain time if they haven't changed, you still feel the same at least you have trued, you are certain this is not for you then you could have a serious talk about moving on.. Hope this helps.... Agreed, 100%. 6+ negatives, no real positives, he sounds self-centered/selfish to me, probably time to move on. 6
Yookie Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I can't tell you if you should leave or stay but I can tell you this. He is a grown man living his life as HE chooses to live it. You are not going to change him. You can only change yourself. You have to decide if you are okay with living this way for your entire marriage. If not then you need to change what YOU are doing and get with someone more compatible with the way you want to live. If you tell him you want to him to change he will probably react the same way he does when you try to talk to him about sex. From his point of view, he is doing nothing wrong. He wants you to accept him the way he is. It's up to you if you want to accept his behavior. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 What is the upside of staying? If you have discussed these issues with him but he hasn't changed, in what universe do you think getting married will make anything better? 2
readynow Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Please leave! Find a man who actually cares for you! 1
Mrin Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 The guy sounds amazingly self absorbed. Almost a man child. What is his hobby? 1
Treasa Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Hand him the car keys, tell him to shove them up his ass, and then go find another method of transportation...and not to him. 2
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I love him and on the rare occasions we do have a good dayit is very good. Please help me make the right decision?? Why do you love him exactly? Because occasionally you have a good day? How sad that you think so little of yourself. He doesn't sound like a very lovable man to me. Yes it's more than time for you to leave this relationship. 5
soccerrprp Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Why do you love him exactly? Because occasionally you have a good day? Ditto....Why O why do you love a man like this?!? A man who does not love you back...do you think so little of yourself and feel that you don't deserve someone who ACTUALLY loves you and demonstrates it consistently, daily? 1
Author SummerRains Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 I love this site already. To answer one question...."What is his hobby?" It's fishing. Yep. That takes all of his time. Between the fishing tournaments he has to spend all his time fishing to be ready for the next tournament. It's not that I mind him fishing it's just I wish he would find a happy medium. I do go with him when the weather is nice just to spend time with him. Why haven't I left yet? Why am I still holding up on other than love? I'm 40,almost 41 I'm so afraid of not finding anyone else. He did fight hard to get me to date him and be in a relationship. I thought he was not for me but decided to give him a chance and it was perfect in the beginning. Now it's went to hell. What if there is no one else??? I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. What if he can be the man he was in the beginning??
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Haven't you every heard the saying, Life begins at 40? Don't stay with him simply because you think there won't be anyone else. 2
HappyLove Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 "What if there is no one else??? I don't want to live the rest of my life alone." I rather live and be alone than live like this! 3
Cunning_Linguist Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Short answer: GTFO woman! I'm assuming you are coming from a position of no options? No other suitors in your life? Any decisions made from this sort of desperate position are usually not going to be happy ones. I don't blame him. You are enabling all of that ridiculous behavior. If someone initiated sex by saying "give me oral" I would tell them to give me a rim job first then we can talk. Don't you have any self respect? Like others said, I'd rather be forever alone than give up my standards to be with someone. The funny thing is, this mindset makes you that more attractive. The man he was in the beginning was the man enjoying the hunt, enjoying the pleasure of a fresh catch. After that it just becomes routine and he reverts back to his caveman ways. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Why haven't I left yet? Why am I still holding up on other than love? I'm 40,almost 41 I'm so afraid of not finding anyone else. He did fight hard to get me to date him and be in a relationship. I thought he was not for me but decided to give him a chance and it was perfect in the beginning. Now it's went to hell. What if there is no one else??? I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. What if he can be the man he was in the beginning?? One thing is for certain, if you stay, YOU WILL NEVER FIND SOMEONE ELSE...BETTER. He chased and after he got you, the thrill wore off and you see what he REALLY is. The chasing man was the act to get you....now you see what you REALLY have. My gf stayed in a relationship for years with a guy who must have been charming or something (never heard her say anything concrete about him other than he's very intelligent- that's even debatable from what she tells me) at one time. But the more I learn about her relationship, it was vastly and mostly bad than good, but she stayed with him partly b/c she didn't think she'd find anyone else. And b/c she was co-dependent. If she didn't finally decide to cut his a$$ lose and if she had not met me, I think that she would have continued with the silly notion that she doesn't deserve better. I shake my head, even today, at what she allowed herself and others to go through...it still doesn't make any rational sense no matter how she tries to explain it. I understand the reasons given, but they represent a rationale that is dysfunctional and destructive. Don't be a part of that...many women are. 2
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Why haven't I left yet? Why am I still holding up on other than love? I'm 40,almost 41 I'm so afraid of not finding anyone else. He did fight hard to get me to date him and be in a relationship. I thought he was not for me but decided to give him a chance and it was perfect in the beginning. Now it's went to hell. What if there is no one else??? I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. What if he can be the man he was in the beginning?? Now you are being silly !! First it's much better to be on your own than to be treated like dirt!! Second: You are not going to run out of men!! They are everywhere in all shapes and sizes!! I am 48 years old and NEVER ran out of men to date!! If you don't let that man go then you are denying yourself the opportunity to meet a real man! The kind that will put you first, the kind that will elevate you, respect you, make love to you with passion!! And talking about age....Don't you think that at 40 you deserve happiness? Don't you want to spend your next years living in harmony with a man? Don't you think you are too old to be put through this BS? Why he cannot be the man he was at the beginning? Because at first it was an act, now that you are hooked on him he is showing you his true self. Your mistake in this is to accept that sh.itty treatment. Why would he need to make any efforts with you when you've shown him for months that you will accept being treated like dirt? 4
Phantom888 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 (edited) This guy is selfish, manipulating and a complete ass. Why would you settle for a guy like this? Because he has money and bought you a car? He prefers his hobby over his own kids. He will never treat you well. You need to leave AND give him back the car. Have some self-respect please. BTW, 40 year old women are sexy. They can get really good men. Don't sell yourself short! Edited April 2, 2014 by Phantom888 add 2
Author SummerRains Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 I feel so guilty about it though. I did mention he bought me a car out of his kindness. I didn't mention how I was working a very stressful job but making good money. A year ago I got another job offer that would be less stressful but less pay. I talked to him about taking it and selling my house ( that I could no longer afford) he told me to take this job so we could have more time together and so I wouldn't be so stressed. He said he would make sure I didn't lose my house. He would pay it for me. Well he let it get months behind and treats of foreclosure and then he gave me money to bring it up to current. Now he still let's it get behind a few months. I try to reason with him and tell him that I can sell it and get an apartment so I can pay that and he won't have to. He get mad and yells at me and says " I told you that I'm not going to let you lose your house!!!!". Don't worry!!!"My point here is he has helped me and if I leave I can't repay him. Oh and when he wanted me to quit my stressful job was BEFORE he changed to not really caring about me at all.....or that's the way I feel. Should I feel guilty for leaving
Mrin Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Ya dating at 40 kinda rocks to be honest with you. Everyone is so much more matter of fact and know what they want. 2
Cunning_Linguist Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 He bought you a car out of kindness then used it as a bludgeon to keep you supplicant. For something to be a gift it has to be given with selfless motives. 3
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I didn't mention how I was working a very stressful job but making good money. A year ago I got another job offer that would be less stressful but less pay. I talked to him about taking it and selling my house ( that I could no longer afford) he told me to take this job so we could have more time together and so I wouldn't be so stressed. He said he would make sure I didn't lose my house. He would pay it for me. Well he let it get months behind and treats of foreclosure and then he gave me money to bring it up to current. Now he still let's it get behind a few months. I try to reason with him and tell him that I can sell it and get an apartment so I can pay that and he won't have to. He get mad and yells at me and says " I told you that I'm not going to let you lose your house!!!!". Don't worry!!!"My point here is he has helped me and if I leave I can't repay him. Oh and when he wanted me to quit my stressful job was BEFORE he changed to not really caring about me at all.....or that's the way I feel. Should I feel guilty for leaving You NEVER make life change like this for a BOYFRIEND, Never ever! I would not even part from my job or my house for a husband! Never assume someone will be on the look out for you! You got your back, no one else. You call that help? What do you think those threats of foreclosure will do to your credit rate? Try to buy a house after that. Go back to a better paying job or sell the house. No you should not feel guilty. 3
writergal Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 (edited) OP, time to take back the reigns of your life that you've currently placed in your boyfriend's hands, because he's not doing you any favors. He's manipulating you because you're allowing him to. Plus, he sounds like a bully to me the way it's his way or the highway with all aspects of your life. You have one father. Do you want another? First, the financials. Sell your house. And when he rants at you again about letting him make the mortgage payments, just hold up the foreclosure statements and say "no thanks. I got this under control." Second, the self esteem. The saying "life begins at 40" is so-so true! Your life isn't over until you're six feet under. For god sake look at actress Betty White. The woman's 92 years old, had 3 husbands, drinks a cup of vodka a day with lots of lemon, stars on a hit tv show, pays her own mortgage and has all the men in Hollywood by the balls because she's in control. I think she may have even helped Stella get her groove back. Huge props to Betty White! Tina Turner, another strong woman who didn't let men ruin her life. My point: pick a female role model if you have to, and motivate yourself to get control back Janet-Jackson style of your life. Third, repeat steps 1 and 2 until it sinks in. I hope it will. Edited April 2, 2014 by writergal 5
soccerrprp Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I feel so guilty about it though....Should I feel guilty for leaving ANOTHER irrational mistake people who are co-dependent make...feeling guilty for wanting more themselves even at the expense and risk of their own mental health that is and was being neglected by the person he/she cares for. HOW DARE YOU FEEL GUILTY about doing what is best for you when there is someone in your life that is not looking out for YOUR best interest....??? 2
writergal Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 He bought you a car out of kindness then used it as a bludgeon to keep you supplicant. For something to be a gift it has to be given with selfless motives. Agree. First step is to give back the car AFTER you sell your house. You can lease a car (much cheaper in the long run) after you return your boyfriend's car to him. Look at the car as a metaphor to how your boyfriend views you in his relationship to you: as an object that he owns. He tells you not to sell your house. You comply. He knows if you sell your house, you'll be independent. That would ruin his plans to have total control over you. He buys you a car, so he can use it as emotional blackmail to keep you compliant. He puts on an act to reel you in as his girlfriend, then reveals his true self after he has you hooked. You discover that you don't like the real him and see him for what he is, but you are too weak to escape. What's next? He tells you who you can and can't socialize with. The red flags are there already that hint that he could abuse you if he hasn't already. If you know that you have codependent tendencies, then you know that you are attracted to men who use guilt as a tool to manipulate like your boyfriend is doing. It's up to you to choose what to do with your situation. All we can do is offer you our perspectives. 1
faithfully Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Sorry dont like the sound od this man, he sounds very selfish and arrogant. Give him his car keys and **** him off 2
Recommended Posts