10yrs relationship now ended

[Aarron]

Hi,

 

I've been reading the forums for a few weeks and found there are some really helpful people on here so decided to post my situation in a hope to get some advice.

 

My girlfriend of 10years, to whom I have 2 young children with, told me she wants to end. This was sudden and after an argument. We have broke up once before but she wanted to try again, as did I. I am having a very difficult time moving on and seem to be in a loop between denial and the grieving stage.

 

My ex has depression, which does not help, so she could have extreme highs and lows. During our last breakup (1 year ago) she miscarried at 30wks. This was hard on us both but especially her.

 

We have been best friends during the 10yrs, our relationship has likely lasted that long due to the friendship as we got along great. Her problem mostly was around sex. I would want sex, she wouldnt although she would not often refuse me when I asked, it just felt cold on her part so that was a problem for me. After I left the home, it did not seem real. Since then we have had some heated conversation which I try and avoid as I know she becomes unreasonable when angry. But some of the things she has said to me lately are causing dramatic pain, these include:

- She does not love me

- She wants to be on her own

- I lost her 2 years ago

- She thought of sleeping with a stranger so that I would hate her and not want her back

 

When it all calms down, which is usually the next day as I can't cope with there being tension or anger towards each other, things are fine. But I feel with every argument I push her away that bit further. I do actually believe she does not want me but for some reason I can't let go or move on. I know I am hurting myself with these thoughts, but I can't seem to control them. My every thought is about her.

 

I could go a few days without talking to her, and then she may text me asking if I'm seeing one of the kids that day, so when I go to collect them and see my ex, my feelings that I have tried to get rid of for the previous days, just come rushing back, its that loop. We have talked about the breakup and she places all blame on me, I don't know why, I don't drink, gamble, no bad habits, never cheated or hurt her etc. Im at a loss as to why, I don't know if its the depression or if its serious, either way I don't know what to do.

 

I'm sorry, I know how this reads, I sound needy and its one of her criticisms of me. I know I'm being silly, I've tried picking myself up and going on. I work out 5 days a week to help with the pain.

 

Any advice that you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I am considering speaking to my doctor about counselling sessions but hate the thought of doing so.

 

Many thanks for reading

[ahthepain]

I feel for you. I just broke up with my gf of three years for very similar reasons as you partner gave you.

 

She said feelings had gone ect.

 

She also didn't particularly enjoy sex.

 

I'm on day 1 of the no contact challenge and instead of always trying to look at it like "She is going to miss me like hell anytime soon and come back" I've been talking with friends about actually just how compatible we were.

 

I mean I'm 24. Did I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't enjoy sex or want mentally stimulating conversations? She was very pretty but looks fade and can go all of a sudden from anything like an accident.

 

I miss her so much. Just being able to go out and do things together, thinking she is probably doing it with another man, but I don't have any control over that.

 

So my biggest weapon is time and I honestly feel that in 30 days I will be so much happier and won't miss her at all. Then in a few months I will be able to contact her again asking to hang out as just friends.

[Aarron]

It is very hard, I just read the NC Caliguy guide and feel its my only option. I've went through a breakup before and remember that was painful. My ex is a lovely girl but has so much emotionally baggage it makes it difficult communicating with her.

 

Its funny how my mind always goes to me wanting her back, I know there were faults on both sides. The pain is unbearable.

 

Good luck in the NC, I'm going to try it but I have my children twice a week, I am not sure how to get around the NC as I feel when I go there to collect them and see her, I feel I go back to where I started

[ahthepain]

My ex has commitment issues. She was able to get over the death of her mother extremely quickly.

 

The stupid thing is that I now am beginning to change my veiwpoint and honestly starting to think that she wasn't a partner for me for my life, but the thought of her being with some jerk kills me.

 

I think once I'm over this in a few months (i hope) then we can be friends but if she has another bf who i don't like that might affect things.

[Aarron]

I feel your pain. Imagining my ex with another guy cripples me but she has said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone and wants to be alone. Part of me believes this given all that we have gone through recently.

 

When she threatened to sleep with a guy just to hurt me, she knows what damage that would do to me and she wants me to hate her so that I would move on.

 

I hear what your saying about being friends, I want that to, but part of me believes its just not going to be possible at all

[ahthepain]

My ex said the same thing, but I know she has been messaged new men and old lovers because she either misses the attention or she was lying. I do think she doens't want a relationship, however I see her getting used and hurt but that is not my problem and nothing I can do about it.

[Aarron]

Its very difficult, Im just reading thread after thread on this forum and the more I read the more I realise its never go happen, were never get back together. I just have to look after myself, I just dont know how yet and were to start, so hard but life goes on I suppose

[ahthepain]

I'm exactly the same as you man.

 

She is all I want now but I can honestly give a girl the world if they can give me love back so I don't want to waste more time on her.

 

I would take her back in a heart beat however lol, But I'm going to really concentrate on telling myself that I don't need her and that I will find a better girl in the near future.

[Aarron]

I feel exactly the same. Right now, she just text me asking if Im going to the Train Museum for my sons birthday. Its impossible to avoid contact arrgghhh

[Aarron]

Does anyone have any suggestions or advice on ways to deal during the early stages? I appreciate any advice given

[Strength in Healing]

Unfortunately, due to having children, you cannot go full NC. All you can do is very limited contact, related just to the kids.

 

Sorry this happened brother. Believe me I feel your pain.