arghzme Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 This is just to take an opinion on how people deal with break ups with things like Facebook and Whatsapp around I mean it is just so tough for me not to look at her profile on FB and check for her 'last seen' on whatsapp and wonder what she is upto. I really want to stop doing this to ensure NC and a smooth process of moving on in life. Also don't want to unfriend her on FB as it would be really kiddish I guess. I have deleted her number from my phone and she does not show up on my whatsapp contact list. However, we were a part of a billion friend 'groups' on whatsapp and I end up stalking her through them! This is irritating! 1
gaius Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I don't know, I'm the exact opposite. I do not want to know what my ex's are up to dating wise whatsoever. One of my ex's actually used to post here but got banned. I deliberately haven't mentioned the amnesty thing going on because I do not want to hear about any dating when she eventually gets back into it. All my other ex's got tossed right out of whatever social networks I'm in. And I legitimately don't peek. 3
David87 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Just block her on FB,it's not that hard... you will feel relieved after doing this. 2
Trapito Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Just block her on FB,it's not that hard... you will feel relieved after doing this. ^^This! Trust me. It will hurt like hell when you see her 'happy' updates, smiling, laughing, kissing(!). You don't NEED to see that. You would be torturing yourself if you keep her as a 'friend'. She als doesn't need to see how you are doing, she doesn't deserve a window in your life to make sure she is doing better then you. I know you are hurting, and I am sorry for this. But you can do something about the hurting: Block her. You shouldn't care about whether SHE thinks it is childish, it is all about YOU now, and you need to heal. You can't heal when she is still in your life. 2
ahthepain Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I have just deleted my gf off of FB. I also saw she hadn't been on watsapp for a few days before we even broke up when I deleted her number so that actually gave me confidence she wasn't upto much, but I would rather leave my thoughts there. I unfollowed all our mutual friends who I know she might hang out with because I don't want to see what she is doing. I didn't block her on FB like alot of people say to, but only because if she wanted to re add me I would want to know even though I wouldn't accept.
DannyCA Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I have just deleted my gf off of FB. I also saw she hadn't been on watsapp for a few days before we even broke up when I deleted her number so that actually gave me confidence she wasn't upto much, but I would rather leave my thoughts there. I unfollowed all our mutual friends who I know she might hang out with because I don't want to see what she is doing. I didn't block her on FB like alot of people say to, but only because if she wanted to re add me I would want to know even though I wouldn't accept. Good for you. Now what you need to have self-control and not look. Nothing you see will help anything or make you feel better. I was snooping my ex's social media for a good while after the BU. Stupid move on my part. There were times when she would post pictures of her at lunch or dinner or something. Normally she tags who she's out with but on these pictures she wouldn't. So I would get irritated cause I didn't know if she was on a date or what (not that it even mattered.)
Waz Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I think, stalking an ex through a social network makes a person looking really weak. Not because he is stalking them, but because is like that he knows he can't help it, but in the same time - knowing the problem and therefore the solution- doesn't do anything about it, he just keeps doing what is destructive for him. Like he doesn't care about his self. Also don't want to unfriend her on FB as it would be really kiddish I guess.LOL, people keep saying that, and is so ridiculously wrong if you ask me. Like in real life, if you broke up with someone, would you still call them and act like nothing changed? Of course not, if you are sane enough. You wouldn't want to see them at all. So, why would you keep them as friends on facebook ? Is just an excuse for stalking them after all? Kiddish? No, i disagree, keeping them as friends is immature and kiddish, specially when you know you can't stand watching them continuing their life without you, or when you know you have difficulties to stop stalking them. When you avoid someone in real life, or removing them from your friends list on the internet, you always do it for you, for your own good. You shouldn't care how a third person would see this action of yours. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 This sh*t is a sad comment on our society if you ask me (or if even ya don't ) Social media is such crap!! Thank goodness I never got on board with it and have no plans of doing so!!! I feel bad for all ya'll who can't exist without it. Gives me the heebee jeebies just thinkin' about it 1
anemptycup Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 FB, Twitter, meetup.com, Yelp even... my Ex is an internet/social media junkie... and she posts like crazy! i'm lucky that i only mostly use FB and leave it at that... i stopped "snooping" because everytime i'd do it - no matter how tiny the things i would find... would hurt me for days and give my over thinking creative mind more fuel to create stories.. most of which are likely untrue. this morning - i couldn't help it - i didn't look at her profile.. but what i did was just as bad - i checked one of her friend's pages out... and saw that she liked some of his recent pics... i think scrolled down and saw a pic of them out to dinner together... with two other friends.. (her old friends from work) all it does is hurt! there's NOTHING good that can come out of it other than satisfying some curiosity.. and maybe feeling a little more connected - but... it's really like picking a scab. i then took it to another level.. and checked out all the likes she got for that pic... and scanned through the people until i felt there was someone she might be dating who liked it... and next thing i know i'm on some random guys FB page - and i see them having a conversation... ok they may very well be dating... but what good is that going to do me? NOTHING... it's just pain... and the worst pain is.. if it's totally false - like if i'm creating stupid fake stories in my head.. and suffering because i'm thinking the worst... and this guy is just a family friend or something... i'm in no position to preach about this - as you can tell i'm struggling - even after 3 months - but... at least i haven't been looking at her FB page - not once... or her twitter - or anything else... good luck! BUs ARE very hard in the social media age - but the advantage of all this technology is all the good information and places like LS we can all help each other and learn from. 3
Trovador Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Kiddish? So the manly thing to do is to cry when seeing them on FB with so much love and lust for their new lover?
Lifegoezon Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 This is about your own ability to control your impulses. It's hard and we all struggle with it. Fact is it's really easy to keep snooping but it makes no difference to your breakup and just hurts you! So OP and emptycup you need to totally block and learn to distract yourselves when you get the urge to snoop. Snooping is breaking NC. End of. Just stop it. These people are in your past and you don't need to know what they're doing. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 and the worst pain is.. if it's totally false - like if i'm creating stupid fake stories in my head.. and suffering because i'm thinking the worst... and this guy is just a family friend or something... In reality, who cares if she is or isn't dating this dude? Of course she will date someone new, and so will you... So, are you going to continue this self-inflicted a$$ whoopin?? 1
DannyCA Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Don't look at your ex's social media period. There really is no way to know what your ex is up to anyway. I found myself looking at who would comment on my ex's pictures, who would like her pictures the most, etc. Cause now I see that no matter what you find out, you're just making stories up in your head, some of it might be true, but you can't know 100% for sure. -Because I have a couple of girls who are my friends that like every single photo I put up. Yet, I've never hooked up with or dated any of them. -I've put up a picture of a girl recently who I've had history with when we went out to the bars together. We have been friends for a long time, I haven't hooked up with her in like 2 plus years or something. But she's cool to hang out with. -There are girls who i like almost every single one of the pictures they put up, but I have no attraction to them. -There was a time when I had some friends over for drinks. And as a joke me and this girl (who is a good friend) took a picture together and we both posted that "if were not married in x amount of years, we're gonna get married". I've known this girl for years and have never once hooked up with her ever, nor do I plan on being romantically involved with her at all in the future. What I'm trying to say is if I recently broke up with an ex, what do you think she would think of all this social media activity I've done? It would make her head spin and she would jump to conclusions. Don't make your own head spin. 1
anemptycup Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 (edited) point very well illustrated DannyCA - doesn't help me much though knowing what my ex is like... a few days after we broke up she slept with another guy she just started seeing... after being together for 3 years - her way of dealing with the immense pain... apparently. so.. that's been like gasoline on my silly story making... i wonder if she's still with the same dude or not... that's been my biggest battle.. and trying not to give a **** and move on - male pride perhaps.. ego... attachment - materialism.. ownership... all the things that bring suffering... trying, but not doing enough - need to go out more - need to get my ass out of this state and go traveling... yes, i'm gonna stop - no more.. no more no more... it's just too painful.. wasted all day today thinking about this ish... while she's moving on with her life. i did good for 7 weeks - then messed up... gotta start it up again. Edited April 2, 2014 by anemptycup
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 This is just to take an opinion on how people deal with break ups with things like Facebook and Whatsapp around I mean it is just so tough for me not to look at her profile on FB and check for her 'last seen' on whatsapp and wonder what she is upto. I really want to stop doing this to ensure NC and a smooth process of moving on in life. Also don't want to unfriend her on FB as it would be really kiddish I guess. I have deleted her number from my phone and she does not show up on my whatsapp contact list. However, we were a part of a billion friend 'groups' on whatsapp and I end up stalking her through them! This is irritating! I deleted both it was as simple as that. You don't have, you can't look, you slowly don't care about looking, you find something better to look at 1
DontBreakEven Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 FB, Twitter, meetup.com, Yelp even... my Ex is an internet/social media junkie... and she posts like crazy! i'm lucky that i only mostly use FB and leave it at that... i stopped "snooping" because everytime i'd do it - no matter how tiny the things i would find... would hurt me for days and give my over thinking creative mind more fuel to create stories.. most of which are likely untrue. this morning - i couldn't help it - i didn't look at her profile.. but what i did was just as bad - i checked one of her friend's pages out... and saw that she liked some of his recent pics... i think scrolled down and saw a pic of them out to dinner together... with two other friends.. (her old friends from work) all it does is hurt! there's NOTHING good that can come out of it other than satisfying some curiosity.. and maybe feeling a little more connected - but... it's really like picking a scab. i then took it to another level.. and checked out all the likes she got for that pic... and scanned through the people until i felt there was someone she might be dating who liked it... and next thing i know i'm on some random guys FB page - and i see them having a conversation... ok they may very well be dating... but what good is that going to do me? NOTHING... it's just pain... and the worst pain is.. if it's totally false - like if i'm creating stupid fake stories in my head.. and suffering because i'm thinking the worst... and this guy is just a family friend or something... i'm in no position to preach about this - as you can tell i'm struggling - even after 3 months - but... at least i haven't been looking at her FB page - not once... or her twitter - or anything else... good luck! BUs ARE very hard in the social media age - but the advantage of all this technology is all the good information and places like LS we can all help each other and learn from. Lol. I love how you so openly admit to the crazy sh*t we ALL do. Even down to the checking who liked the picture and then ending up on some random person's page and trying to find out everything about this stranger's life and why on Earth are they liking my ex's picture?!!? It's fu*king madness I tell you! And it's an all-too common behavior in all of us. It's insane. Even my ex, who DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME, stalks my Pinterest. I know this for a fact. I ran into her out of the blue last weekend and she knew where I wanted my next tattoo and what type of dog I was getting. And she openly admitted she knew from Pinterest (when I so "slyly" asked How did you know?? -- give me a break -- everything I do on Pinterest these days has her in the back of my mind because I know she's checking it out). I seriously had to stop playing her mother on Words with Friends because I felt like every time her mother played a word it must be a "sign". Speaking of her mother -- the night after I ran into my ex, her mother unfriended me on FB. That one was a doozie for me and sent me into a tizzy about why? Why now? And clearly she told her mom to do it. Could she not stand seeing my picture on her mom's wall of top 9 friends (her mom on has 27 friends so the odds that I showed up there every time were quite great). And why does it bother her to see my picture? Does this mean she's in as much pain as I am??? The moot questions go on and on and on in my head. My last thread that I hang onto of cyber stalking has been Pinterest. It seems innocent enough, but I must stop this too. I have to. I'm like a crazed lunatic trying to figure out what it could possibly mean that she is up at Midnight on a Tuesday thinking about Cucumber Wraps, or even worse, early morning on a Saturday pinning onto "Inspirational" board - "Relax. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough." -- that was a fun one to analyze for the next 3 days. WTF. All I need to analyze is that she walked out on me 11 weeks ago with hardly a word. Nothing on goddamn social media is going to explain that one to me. 3
DontBreakEven Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 And DannyCA makes a great point too. If someone were to stalk my social media right now they would probably think that my life is a bowl of cherries and that I am back in touch with my ex-fiance from over 5 years ago (because he suddenly likes all my stuff and posts on my wall .. I ignore it ALL .. he is in no way in my life .. I have no clue why he has suddenly taken an interest in my Facebook and I could not care less). Soooo .. the bottom line is ... don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides. Especially when it comes to social media. We pick and choose what we put on there, and we have no control over who likes/comments, etc. I mean hell, if you would have looked at my FB 3 months ago you would've thought I was in a dream relationship with a girl I was going to marry. Obviously the truth of the case at home wasn't even close to that -- and even I didn't even realize it. You just never friggin know. And in the state we are in, making up stories in our head is the WORST thing we can do. That's it. This thread was the resolve I needed to finally put down the Pinterest app. It's takes up too much memory on my phone anyway. 3
oracle Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I don't have FB.. Had it for a year and then tossed it.. its the biggest time vampire and takes away from quality time I could be spending on porn... Plus, for a lot of people when you boil it down, and take a long hard look at it... its purely ego, and attention driven; frankly quite sad. Gone are the good ol days when you can really be done and loose track of someone, its all too easy in our weak moments to keep tabs thru various online means. I'll admit to creeping my ex's POF profile last week to see if anything has changed... his Pet status is now NONE. So Im assuming our dog of 13yrs has just recently died. For the most part its what I was wondering the most about, as that is the closest i'll come to ever having a kid. It kinda puts my mind to rest on that issue, but regardless its still my mind filling in the blanks. Which is a pointless exercise. 2
Author arghzme Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Hahaha! :p We are all so ridiculously similar when it comes to stalking our ex's on FB! I sometimes do the exact same thing. Check pics, check likes, check comments, check for new friends, check for new common friends, blah blah blah! Mark Zuckerburg you SOB! 2
anemptycup Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 DontBreakEven you are funny! actually reading those replies - i forgot to mention Okcupid - while i was in my 7 weeks of "NC" the only thread of connection i had was ocassionally seeing her profile "online" on okcupid... man, it would make me feel good knowing she was out there looking for folks, because in my mind it meant that maybe her rebound didn't work out... it sucks that any evidence of her unhappiness pleases me... like a silly competition - i just want to know that I am better off than she is... it really sucks.. but i do believe all this pain and suffering is an incredible opportunity to reach down and do some real healing - my Ex might be rushing to stay active and date and having "fun" at every first chance she can... but, she might not be dealing with her issues... and she may well repeat the same problems and patterns again throughout her life... giving up hope is the hardest step i think - and i feel like i'm starting to finally do that... i don't think i would take my ex back if she wanted to work it out - not after everything this last 3 months... but yeah.. the point is - once we're over the hope - we really ought to use this time to help us become better people... i've realized i have some major issues that trace back to my childhood even! things i never was aware of... and now, i'm working on letting go of the patterns that have failed me and brought me nothing but stress and pain... trying to use this opportunity to let go of my old self... and update myself to who i really and truly am TODAY.... it's brutal.. but.. been thinking about career change, place to live... everything... anyway - rambling on again - but - the Social media - uuuugh... it is brutal.. I'm just VERY worried about what i might do in 3 months - or 6 months.. or even a year - knowing i can check her facebook etc... hopefully i will be well over her by then... good luck everyone! Do the NC thing - it's essential... 3
organizedchaos Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Hahaha! :p We are all so ridiculously similar when it comes to stalking our ex's on FB! I sometimes do the exact same thing. Check pics, check likes, check comments, check for new friends, check for new common friends, blah blah blah! Mark Zuckerburg you SOB! Guilty as charged. I've done it too. She doesn't post anything public but her profile pic. She's still friends with my brother and some relatives and friends so I sometimes see her pop up in their top friends. I've clicked the profile pic to see who's commented or liked it...
Strength in Healing Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Hahaha! :p We are all so ridiculously similar when it comes to stalking our ex's on FB! I sometimes do the exact same thing. Check pics, check likes, check comments, check for new friends, check for new common friends, blah blah blah! Mark Zuckerburg you SOB! Trust me, this is nothing to laugh about, this is something to tuck your tail between your legs and be ashamed of, to be perfectly real.
DontBreakEven Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 DontBreakEven you are funny! actually reading those replies - i forgot to mention Okcupid - while i was in my 7 weeks of "NC" the only thread of connection i had was ocassionally seeing her profile "online" on okcupid... man, it would make me feel good knowing she was out there looking for folks, because in my mind it meant that maybe her rebound didn't work out... it sucks that any evidence of her unhappiness pleases me... like a silly competition - i just want to know that I am better off than she is... it really sucks.. but i do believe all this pain and suffering is an incredible opportunity to reach down and do some real healing - my Ex might be rushing to stay active and date and having "fun" at every first chance she can... but, she might not be dealing with her issues... and she may well repeat the same problems and patterns again throughout her life... giving up hope is the hardest step i think - and i feel like i'm starting to finally do that... i don't think i would take my ex back if she wanted to work it out - not after everything this last 3 months... but yeah.. the point is - once we're over the hope - we really ought to use this time to help us become better people... i've realized i have some major issues that trace back to my childhood even! things i never was aware of... and now, i'm working on letting go of the patterns that have failed me and brought me nothing but stress and pain... trying to use this opportunity to let go of my old self... and update myself to who i really and truly am TODAY.... it's brutal.. but.. been thinking about career change, place to live... everything... anyway - rambling on again - but - the Social media - uuuugh... it is brutal.. I'm just VERY worried about what i might do in 3 months - or 6 months.. or even a year - knowing i can check her facebook etc... hopefully i will be well over her by then... good luck everyone! Do the NC thing - it's essential... Good for you Emptycup. I am doing the same. I've even started therapy and attend weekly 12 step ACA meetings to address the issue of growing up with an alcoholic mother. My mom and I for the first time had a real heart-to-heart the other day that was so cathartic, it made her call me later that night to tell me she really enjoyed the day with me and wants me to know she loves me. My favorite book is The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. It's all about using this time to tap into anything in your life you can heal, while your heart is basically broken wide open and raw and ready to do anything to make the pain go away. I, for one, know I choose emotionally unavailable partners. I do believe this has to do with my childhood. I am delving into that now, and I am proud of myself. Hopefully, someday all the pain will be worth it. As for our ex's who go out and ignore the issues ... that's their life to deal with now. And this all touches on the social media -- what my ex is doing right now means nothing. She is not fixing her issues and she is not facing reality. Even if she temporarily "one-ups" me by going out with someone, or having a great weekend, or whatever the f*ck, in the long run, I will come out a winner because I am doing the work. I can only hope that she will do the work, too ... but her choices can no longer be my concern. 1
anemptycup Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Good for you Emptycup. I am doing the same. I've even started therapy and attend weekly 12 step ACA meetings to address the issue of growing up with an alcoholic mother. My mom and I for the first time had a real heart-to-heart the other day that was so cathartic, it made her call me later that night to tell me she really enjoyed the day with me and wants me to know she loves me. My favorite book is The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver. It's all about using this time to tap into anything in your life you can heal, while your heart is basically broken wide open and raw and ready to do anything to make the pain go away. I, for one, know I choose emotionally unavailable partners. I do believe this has to do with my childhood. I am delving into that now, and I am proud of myself. Hopefully, someday all the pain will be worth it. As for our ex's who go out and ignore the issues ... that's their life to deal with now. And this all touches on the social media -- what my ex is doing right now means nothing. She is not fixing her issues and she is not facing reality. Even if she temporarily "one-ups" me by going out with someone, or having a great weekend, or whatever the f*ck, in the long run, I will come out a winner because I am doing the work. I can only hope that she will do the work, too ... but her choices can no longer be my concern. you said it - it's the same with my Ex - we all have our own ways of coping and moving forward - i think if my ex was able to do what i'm doing to cope and heal - maybe she would? but, like you said - it doesn't matter anymore - they are no longer a concern for us - and we need to worry about our own health and futures - yes, we're broken and raw right now - i also had a major opening up with my family - my parents, my brother... even my uncle... just opened up and told them things i had never done before - things i needed to get out - and like you, i chose an emotionally unavailable partner - in fact, she had adult ADHD, which meant she was biologically incapable of empathy... it was hard for someone like me who is basically the opposite - it was sad too, because deep inside i knew and could see she was trying to do it - she just was not wired that way... we have roots and it's so important who we spend time with and allow our roots to get attached to - because, i think if you lay close enough to anyone for a long and sustained period of time, your roots will slowly but surely start to latch on to them and grow deep into them - and vice verca... their roots into us - and then breaking apart (tearing apart) can be painful, and it takes time to rebuild those torn roots... some roots remain in the partner... and some of their roots will remain in us... i think it's important as you said to use this time now to HEAL UP ourselves.. so that when we meet our future loves... WE will be more whole as people.. with less holes and less lack.... looking back - i remember the moment i decided to give it a shot for the long term with my Ex - i knew things weren't 100% - but i thought - let's give it a shot and try... in hindsight - i should have maybe listened to my heart.... OR... maybe going through this suffering is what i needed... to help me grow.. and become more whole... good luck to you all! let's hang in there and not waste this opportunity to reach into ourselves and do as much healing as we can while the wound is raw. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I'm glad I have no idea what whatsapp is. I do Facebook and Twitter (though I barely Tweet, it's mostly for information gathering purposes for work) and that's about it. As for the block/delete thing, it's not "kiddish" to do it. Most people have to for their own sanity.
Recommended Posts