fujidabruin Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Just wanted to discuss and gather opinions from those who seek or are currently in LTR's. In someways, I guess this is about how a relationship is defined. Personally, I believe that the primary reason for entering marriage is to raise a family. I know I am not going to win any romantic awards with that opinion but it is what it is. To me, two people that plan to be life partners should have the same spiritual bond whether it is certified by an authority or not. I respect the fact that others want marriage and its traditions work for many couples. However, I think it can become a confusing issue for many. Especially for those like me who are now single after being married for the wrong reasons. I know some responses are going to say that it should not matter which direction a couple chooses so long as they are on the same page. But, what if a couple has differing views and are determined to work through the issue?
Els Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 IMO, if you have wildly differing views on this subject, it is going to be really, really hard, and cause a lot of resentment. If your views are just mildly different but mostly similar, it's more likely to be able to work out a compromise. 1
Author fujidabruin Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 IMO, if you have wildly differing views on this subject, it is going to be really, really hard, and cause a lot of resentment. If your views are just mildly different but mostly similar, it's more likely to be able to work out a compromise. Yeah, that makes sense..... Do you have an underlying philosophy supporting or opposing marriage?
Els Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Yeah, that makes sense..... Do you have an underlying philosophy supporting or opposing marriage? I (and my SO) support marriage, but we don't view it as the end-all-be-all of relationships. I personally wouldn't be with someone on either end of the spectrum, who either strongly opposes marriage or who views Rs as pointless without it. 5
Author fujidabruin Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 I (and my SO) support marriage, but we don't view it as the end-all-be-all of relationships. I personally wouldn't be with someone on either end of the spectrum, who either strongly opposes marriage or who views Rs as pointless without it. Yeah, I would have a difficult time accommodating a partner with an extreme view at this point in my life. Already tried that once and learned that it wasn't doable. Just did not see it as a red flag at the time 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 You'll need to do right by you before doing right by anyone else, do what you feel is staying true to yourself, just make your choices and thoughts clear as to not waste someones else's time. With that being said, even without a possibility of marriage, that shouldn't be a scapegoat to other commitments and expectations of a monogamous relationship. I strongly oppose marriage because I feel it doesn't work and doesn't reflect anywhere near the values and expectations it is supposed to (outside of practical purposes) but it's often something one must do in order to have a family or keep a partner, which is why you see men often go back for seconds after they said they'd never do it again, to satisfy their partner. So in time, she might end up getting what she wants in the end...after all at that point guys are saying "Well what's the difference? guess I'm not going anywhere anytime soon anyway!" 1
Author fujidabruin Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 You'll need to do right by you before doing right by anyone else, do what you feel is staying true to yourself, just make your choices and thoughts clear as to not waste someones else's time. With that being said, even without a possibility of marriage, that shouldn't be a scapegoat to other commitments and expectations of a monogamous relationship. I strongly oppose marriage because I feel it doesn't work and doesn't reflect anywhere near the values and expectations it is supposed to (outside of practical purposes) but it's often something one must do in order to have a family or keep a partner, which is why you see men often go back for seconds after they said they'd never do it again, to satisfy their partner. So in time, she might end up getting what she wants in the end...after all at that point guys are saying "Well what's the difference? guess I'm not going anywhere anytime soon anyway!" Yes, I definitely agree that this occurs as I have seen it occur to myself and others.....
Author fujidabruin Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 You'll need to do right by you before doing right by anyone else, do what you feel is staying true to yourself, just make your choices and thoughts clear as to not waste someones else's time. With that being said, even without a possibility of marriage, that shouldn't be a scapegoat to other commitments and expectations of a monogamous relationship. I strongly oppose marriage because I feel it doesn't work and doesn't reflect anywhere near the values and expectations it is supposed to (outside of practical purposes) but it's often something one must do in order to have a family or keep a partner, which is why you see men often go back for seconds after they said they'd never do it again, to satisfy their partner. So in time, she might end up getting what she wants in the end...after all at that point guys are saying "Well what's the difference? guess I'm not going anywhere anytime soon anyway!" Ninja, would you consider having a private event where you and your partner stated your commitment in a spiritual way or something similar???
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Ninja, would you consider having a private event where you and your partner stated your commitment in a spiritual way or something similar??? As long as I didn't have to slit my wrist, drink each others blood and make this spiritual commitment for eternity. I'm no bare footed, flower crown wearing, over-sized 70's faded white collared shirt hippie but if it was important to her then I'd do whatever it is that would make her happy that wasn't too uncomfortable or against my own feelings about it, I'd compromise because you've got to give her something she can live with. 1
Author fujidabruin Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 As long as I didn't have to slit my wrist, drink each others blood and make this spiritual commitment for eternity. I'm no bare footed, flower crown wearing, over-sized 70's faded white collared shirt hippie but if it was important to her then I'd do whatever it is that would make her happy that wasn't too uncomfortable or against my own feelings about it, I'd compromise because you've got to give her something she can live with. I knew I could count on you for another colorful post..... LOL Always appreciate your candid responses
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 It's different. I am not going to be able to give you an articulate reason It's different and it feels different. I was in a LTR for 12 years. We lived together for 10; spent the 1st & last year living apart. I got a new job at the end & wanted to be closer to work plus I wanted to buy a house & didn't want to buy a primary residence with him unless we were married. It was a point of contention. He insisted it was just a piece of paper. When I married my husband, the solemnity of the vows & all the trappings around the marriage -- the officiate, the license, the witnesses -- really hammered home for me that this is a big deal. When I made those promises I meant them. I woke up a few days later completely freaked out. I realized I was no longer free to just walk away if things got tough. Getting out means getting lawyers, going to court & it's a big deal. That obligation is weighty. Yes, I realized people can & do get divorced all the time but getting married really is more than just a piece of paper. It's not as disposable as our society lets it be. 4
veritas lux mea Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I don't think it is the title that matters but the commitment. You can be just as committed to a LTR as a marriage. If your interpretation of religeon is you need to be legaly married in the eyes of the government then by all means do so. If your reason for not marrying is you don't want to make a life commitment then make that clear in a LTR. I have seen people who are unhappy and people who are happy in both. And frankly I could care less what they do one way or another. But if you find yourself pressured into marriage yourself than that is wronf. But if you choose to do so freely because you know it is important to your SO nothing wrong with that. If you are onthe otherside and feel their has been no commitment to even the LTR and you feel unhappy with that then make that clear but prepared to either agree to not committing or walk. Don't thij if your views oppose the other person will change your mind. And remember, just because you don't believe in marriage doesn't mean it isn't real. Also, be aware of you laws. Where I live after 3 months of living ina romantic relationship together the government views you as good as married. Your SO has just as much right to take you to court even if you have yor finances seperate. If they can prove it not marrying changes nothing and dows not keep you financially safe. It just saves you the legal fee of disolving the marriage contract. Which is often pennies compared to the division of assets. 3
Els Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Also, be aware of you laws. Where I live after 3 months of living ina romantic relationship together the government views you as good as married. Your SO has just as much right to take you to court even if you have yor finances seperate. If they can prove it not marrying changes nothing and dows not keep you financially safe. It just saves you the legal fee of disolving the marriage contract. Which is often pennies compared to the division of assets. 3 months is a very short time! It takes 1-3 years here (1 year for basic stuff like immigration, 3 years for separation laws to kick in). I think the OP lives in the USA though, so this probably isn't applicable, though it's good advice.
Author fujidabruin Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 3 months is a very short time! It takes 1-3 years here (1 year for basic stuff like immigration, 3 years for separation laws to kick in). I think the OP lives in the USA though, so this probably isn't applicable, though it's good advice. OP lives in Canada and I believe it becomes legal after 6 months of cohabitation here.....
Author fujidabruin Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 It's different. I am not going to be able to give you an articulate reason It's different and it feels different. I was in a LTR for 12 years. We lived together for 10; spent the 1st & last year living apart. I got a new job at the end & wanted to be closer to work plus I wanted to buy a house & didn't want to buy a primary residence with him unless we were married. It was a point of contention. He insisted it was just a piece of paper. When I married my husband, the solemnity of the vows & all the trappings around the marriage -- the officiate, the license, the witnesses -- really hammered home for me that this is a big deal. When I made those promises I meant them. I woke up a few days later completely freaked out. I realized I was no longer free to just walk away if things got tough. Getting out means getting lawyers, going to court & it's a big deal. That obligation is weighty. Yes, I realized people can & do get divorced all the time but getting married really is more than just a piece of paper. It's not as disposable as our society lets it be. Thank you for the post and I can appreciate how the significance of the marriage felt to you. I was married to a woman that insisted on it and thought that we could work through differences through the marriage..... I bought into the idea even though I felt being married should not increase our resolve or be some kind of reassurance. After 4 years we just could not resolve our issues and being married probably prolonged the relationship twice as long as it should have. Ultimately, we were just not a good match but I think we kept trying an extra couple of years because of the "marital status"
Els Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 OP lives in Canada and I believe it becomes legal after 6 months of cohabitation here..... Eek. Trust me to not check your profile and rely on my ****ty memory. Sorry about that. If your country also has mandatory de facto partnership laws, how do you feel abstaining from marriage will help you in the event of a potential bad separation, then?
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 (edited) Not surprising, I have changed my view on this topic as a result of le divorce. I got married when I was 24 to a great guy who I had been dating for 4 years. We were madly in love. We had very similar values, interests, goals, dreams, we were both raised in the same faith (Catholic), came from similar backgrounds (both his parents are from Italy as is my mother, my father is french). We were (or appeared to be) a perfect match. And in the tradition of perfect matches, we took the next step and married before family, friends and God. When we stood at the alter in front of 500 guests exchanging our vows, we did so willingly and consciously and deliberately. It was important to us both at the time. We respected our faith and believed in the ceremony and commitment we were making. Fast forward 20 years later, we're divorced. A decision that didn't come easy and not without a fight and plenty of counselling. When I married, I thought it was for life, for better or worse as the vows said. My happily-ever-after was shattered and my family broken apart. So what does that mean? It means that getting married, going through the pageantry doesn't guarantee anything! Unfortunately, I have to respectfully disagree with d0nnivain when she said; Yes, I realized people can & do get divorced all the time but getting married really is more than just a piece of paper. It's not as disposable as our society lets it be. Unfortunately, in today's society, marriage IS disposable and it's not just A piece of paper, it's TONS of paperwork and even MORE if/when you get divorced. Just because it's "not easy to leave the marriage" and "weighty" doesn't guarantee it to be a happy or fulfilling one. Now that I'm divorced, my views on marriage and all that it means has changed dramatically. It doesn't help when you have realty TV shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette devaluing marriage at an alarming rate! I no longer see the true value in marriage which, if I'm completely honest, makes me very sad. What I believe in is monogamy and commitment and partnership and love and be damned with the paper and pageantry. Some of the most successful and happy relationships I've witnessed have been couples who are LTR, especially those that were married once before. It's like the whole half-glass-empty vs half-glass-full ; One person can say that not having a marriage certificate makes it far too easy for couples to go running out the door when things get difficult while another person sees it as even more reason why one would make a greater effort in the relationship so their partner doesn't have a reason to walk out the door so easily At the end of the day, there really are no right or wrong answers. Marriage or LTR are very personal. What is right for one may not be right for another and we all have our reasons for believing in what we believe. The only thing you can hope for is finding someone that shares your views and (hopefully) it's enough to get you through life with a smile on your face Edited April 4, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 1
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