Learning curve for BSs

[dichotomy]

hmmmm.. of the top of my head...

 

That if I was not enough for her, something she was not getting from me she desired, something she could only get elsewhere - that was her problem, her flaw.... and not mine.

 

That fixing my self esteem was long over due, and it took this crap to force me to resolve it.

 

That I will never ever again, allow myself to openly express any negative insecurities or comparisons to other men to a female partner.

 

I have a right to set my own boundaries and outline the consequences of crossing them. I am proud of this skill

 

To forgive myself for marrying you when I suspected you might not share my beliefs on love, devotion, honesty and sexual intimacy.

 

To forgive myself for staying after I knew you did not.

 

To be proud that I worked with you to help you learn and grow past this.

 

That love is not often a feeling. It is a commitment to the growth and needs of another.

 

How to both take care of my own needs and growth (love myself) and for my wife (love you). It does not have to be one or the other.

 

That marriage, like life, is difficult, to accept this ... and perseverance is the key and to keep moving forward and picking yourself up and lifting up those your love.

Edited April 3, 2014 by dichotomy

[Hardgrind]

I learned to trust my instincts and gut feelings (I talked myself out of a lot of red flags prior to D-Day)

 

I learned to decide what I wanted (R, D, etc.) and then figure how to get there. I also learned to accept that for some desired outcomes, such as R, alignment of goals between me and my wife is required and that I do not have full control over that.

 

I learned that there are things I do need to fix in myself. This is not a justification for my wife's A, but the A was a wake up call. I need to fix these in order to be happier in the future, regardless of what that future entails.

 

We both recognized that our marriage was just okay prior to the A, and after going through the pain of her affair and D-Day, we both realized that if we are going to go through the hard work and pain of R, we are not going to settle for just an okay M going forward.

 

I learned that with today's technology trying to monitor my WW's communications is futile and does not build trust. It is too damn easy to get throw away phones, new e-mail accounts, new FB accounts, communicate with work computers and phones, etc. If I did not see any phone calls during a period of time, the paranoia crept in....maybe they were not talking by phone because they were together in person. Tracking the WS's activities and communications had become a means of torturing myself and did not restore trust. I had to make a decision to let it go and begin trusting her even before that trust was earned. I early on decided that if really I needed to go to voice activated recorders and spy ware on her computer, I should just throw in the towel and move on already. That's not to say I do not keep my eyes open and question her about any red flags I do see.

 

I learned I needed to communicate more with my wife, especially about difficult topics that I tended to avoid in the past, because any discomfort resulting from those conversations is trivial compared to the pain that the A and D-Day caused. I don't want to ever go through that experience again.

 

I learned that I had to choose between reconciling with and punishing my wife. While I could be angry, sad, anxious, etc. in response to what I learned in our discussions after D-Day, I had to be careful to not attack her for telling me what I had asked her to tell me.

 

I learned it was critical to get my wife to reveal some things about the A that she was reluctant to disclose. For instance there were things she saw as a unique connection between herself and the OM. In order to get her out of the fog, I kept pushing her to disclose these and get them out into the light. Once that happened these secret connections between my wife and the AP no longer looked so rosy and lost much of their power over her.

[jnel921]

I learned that I was stronger than I ever thought possible. I learned what not to do going forward.

 

But most importantly I love me more than anything.

[peaksandvalleys]

1)I learned that I am very good with a gun and I enjoy shooting.

 

2)I learned that I can be angry, focused and have a single agenda that can be carried out without many obstacles if I am determined.

 

3)I learned that if someone decides to take advantage of me ever again, I will have no qualms about blowing their whole life apart.

 

 

I don't know if these are good or bad things yet but it is what it is.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I learned...

 

that I was more naive than I ever realized. My eyes are now open.

 

to go with my gut. If something feels off, I take notice.

 

not to trust anyone 100%

 

that forgiveness is extremely difficult

 

marriage is not so special after all. Wedding vows are just words. A wedding ring is just a ring.

 

nothing is guaranteed in life

 

what it feels like to grieve the loss of something special

 

that affairs are more common than I thought (pre D-day)

 

that I'm not the same person I used to be. My wife is not the same person she used to be.

[drifter777]

drifter777,

 

...

 

Everyone can heal if they want to.

 

Good Luck.

I don't understand why people say this. Who wouldn't want to heal?

 

Another thing that came to me that I learned is that walking away from BW and cutting off all contact with her at d-day can be tremendously effective in many ways. I did it out of sheer determination to never look back at her or our marriage and I was able to do that for ~3 weeks. It showed her the stark reality of cheating and of living her life without me and that scared her out of whatever fog she was in. She threw OM out and pursued me until I finally gave in and came home. The coming home part was a mistake, but doing the 180 "worked" as far as getting her back, but it failed at getting me to detach from her in time. I probably needed another month but I couldn't know that at the time.

[jnel921]

I don't understand why people say this. Who wouldn't want to heal?

 

Another thing that came to me that I learned is that walking away from BW and cutting off all contact with her at d-day can be tremendously effective in many ways. I did it out of sheer determination to never look back at her or our marriage and I was able to do that for ~3 weeks. It showed her the stark reality of cheating and of living her life without me and that scared her out of whatever fog she was in. She threw OM out and pursued me until I finally gave in and came home. The coming home part was a mistake, but doing the 180 "worked" as far as getting her back, but it failed at getting me to detach from her in time. I probably needed another month but I couldn't know that at the time.

 

Drifter777, walking away is effective...but what was your intention? I always think of this when anyone or myself is doing or saying something.

 

Perhaps your anger over the situation did not allow you to see past that or understand all of the emotions. So yes I agree that we all need time, time to heal....time to cool down, collect our thoughts and get it back together. R or not.

[Raena]

Today isn't a good day for me. In fact, the past few weeks have been pretty awful.

 

I don't know what I learned really. I'm sure it's much more positive than what I'm about to post but this is where I'm at today

 

I learned:

- I'll never know how to trust the truth

- I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life

- that I have baggage that is insurmountable

- that I still miss the relationship even though the idea of being with him

makes me nauseous

- that I have very few true friends

- that I'm probably going to cry myself to sleep every night for a very long

time

- that after the initial shock period, that life doesn't just pick up and move

on, the aftershocks are just as painful

[Arieswoman]

Hi Raena,

I am sorry you are in a bad place at the moment. I have been where you are and it isn't nice. Believe me I know how much you are suffering.

 

Imagine that you had been in a car crash and sustained multiple fractures. You would need surgery, intensive care, blood transfusions, bedrest etc. Then afterward you would need physiotherapy to get walking again and couselling to stop PTSD. It would probably be at least a year before you could function properly again, either physically or mentally.

 

Now, back to reality.

 

You have suffered broken heart. Your mind has suffered a terrible shock. Your body reacts physically with symptoms of stress such as anger and depression. You are grieving for what you had or thought you had.

 

You need time to heal and you cannot rush this process.

 

You probably won't believe this but you will feel better one day. You will love and laugh again. You will make new friends and have better relationships. But not just yet

 

Counselling and therapy helped me, it might help you.

 

Hang on in there.

 

Good Luck.

[Matilda75]

I've learned how to weather the tough times I've faced as a BW. The pain, sadness and loneliness was unbearable at times. But I figured out a way through it. I still feel the pain and sadness, but the sting is gone, and those feelings can't pull me down the way they used to.

 

I discovered that my suffering could serve a purpose and I'm proud of the ways I've grown and matured.

 

I've learned love is not for the faint of heart, and that it's best for the likes of me to stay on the sidelines. I don't trust my judgement of others, and I don't trust myself to be part of a healthy couple.

[EverySunset]

- I've learned that whether you stay or not, its so easy to become bitter. So no matter what you decide, resolve not to come out on the other side bitter because of someone elses decisions.

 

- I've learned that sunshine and a dog are great healers.

 

- I've learned that staying can feel much, much worse than leaving.

 

- I've learned that a true friend can make all the difference and you really only need one ear other than your attorneys.

 

- I've learned that I wanted to believe lies. Desperately. And at great personal cost.

 

- I've learned I don't need a partner to have a full family with my child.

 

- I've learned that my child needs more than me to protect her right now. She needs me to protect her future. So I left her abusive, sad little father in the past.

 

- I've learned that feels good.