Arieswoman Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I'm not too sure I am in the correct forum, but here goes... For BSs, What did you learn from being a BS? Here's what I leaned ;- 1. I was not responsible for my husband's decision to cheat. 2. His choice of affair partner did not reflect on me. 3. Validation comes from within, not from without. 4. I was emotionally more resilient than I thought I was. 5. I learned to take note of my gut feelings. 6. Rejection is really redirection - to something better. Anyone else want to add theirs? 6
Hope Shimmers Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I want to ask an honest question. I hope that is okay. Regarding your #1, who do you feel is responsible for your husband's decision to cheat? Your WS?
Author Arieswoman Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 HS, My exH's decision to cheat was his alone. 5
underwater2010 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I'm not too sure I am in the correct forum, but here goes... For BSs, What did you learn from being a BS? Here's what I leaned ;- 1. I was not responsible for my husband's decision to cheat. 2. His choice of affair partner did not reflect on me. I wish I could say the same. He picked a mirror of me that was completely damaged. She talked the same as me...but could not walk the walk. 3. Validation comes from within, not from without. 4. I was emotionally more resilient than I thought I was. 5. I learned to take note of my gut feelings. 6. Rejection is really redirection - to something better. 7. I am worth more than he deserves. 8. That I needed to let him be the "man" and fix things even though I am more than capable. 9. That my kid's well being is more important than my ego. 10. That deep down he wanted me around more...not just the money. 11. That I am capable of forgiveness...something you would not know from my past. 12. Speaking up is better than holding it in. 13. I am grateful for not being selfish like a lot of other people out there. Anyone else want to add theirs? see bolded. 2
beach Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 That I don't need to rely on a man to be happy That I am stronger than I ever imagined That he still hasn't changed - he cheats on his new wife too That he is very broken That I'll never settle again That I can have a full life without being married That men don't define me That I can do anything I set my mind to That I can set a good example for my kids to never accept unacceptable behavior That life doesn't go as planned but can still be awesome 8
Furious Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Being cheated on does not define you, but rather despite being cheated on, it's how you move on from it and embrace yourself with compassion and continue to find joy in life. To often, despair over someone else's poor choices can knock you down for awhile. It's a choice to stay down or brush yourself off and get up again. Life is a balance of which battles to fight and which battles to walk away from. Nothing is worth giving up your soul and giving up on the beauty of life. I choose the beauty of life and it begins from within. 4
rumbleseat Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 When I was a bs, I came on to a few forums like this one, and that's where my h's A taught me the most. It was not all positive. I learned just how low, just how conniving, just how entitled some people really are. I also learned just how little some people care about those around them, and how far they will go to to have their needs met, no matter what the cost to someone else. The good thing is that for every negative, I learned two positives. There are a lt of really caring people out there who will help a stranger in pain. I even made some new friends I will probably never meet, but I still keep in touch with them. It restored my faith in the underlying care and compassion that exists in many people. 9
confusedandhurt2002 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 All of this .... yes. That 2 is hard for me to remind myself, though, because it was his ex he cheated on me with. I'm not too sure I am in the correct forum, but here goes... For BSs, What did you learn from being a BS? Here's what I leaned ;- 1. I was not responsible for my husband's decision to cheat. 2. His choice of affair partner did not reflect on me. 3. Validation comes from within, not from without. 4. I was emotionally more resilient than I thought I was. 5. I learned to take note of my gut feelings. 6. Rejection is really redirection - to something better. Anyone else want to add theirs? 1
confusedandhurt2002 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 So, so true. I don't think I ever realized how morally corrupt some people are. I know I have to look to my H for that too, but the OW and her family is so messed up it's shocking to me. I shake my head in horror at their family drama, which they air on public forums and with just about anyone who will listen! I know H betrayed me and I won't make excuses for him but it also opened my eyes to how much his mom screwed him up -- more than I'd ever realized. I wish I had realized it earlier, or, in fact, I had acted on that realization earlier and tried to work with him on getting a counselor. Not pushed him, but worked with him somehow. Instead I just figured he didn't want my help and he was on his own. Wrong attitude all around. Lesson learned the hard way. When I was a bs, I came on to a few forums like this one, and that's where my h's A taught me the most. It was not all positive. I learned just how low, just how conniving, just how entitled some people really are. I also learned just how little some people care about those around them, and how far they will go to to have their needs met, no matter what the cost to someone else. The good thing is that for every negative, I learned two positives. There are a lt of really caring people out there who will help a stranger in pain. I even made some new friends I will probably never meet, but I still keep in touch with them. It restored my faith in the underlying care and compassion that exists in many people. 2
BHsigh Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Hmm, I've learned that when the proverbial feces hits the inclined planes that are attached to a rotating center shaft, that you can't depend on anyone to pull you out of the way, or even warn you ahead of time. That isn't to say that no one ever will of course, just that you can't expect someone to, regardless of whether they should or not. At the base level, you are alone in this world. Everything else that I've learned stems from that. 3
gettingstronger Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 YES to all of the above- Particularly shocking to me was the selfishness of people-I had no idea people could be so cruel and manipulative-especially women- I too am not blaming the OW but some of the things she did to pursue this A blow my mind- who waits days for a text, who makes themselves available at someone elses convenience all the time, who leaves their kids for a fake business trip to sleep with someone elses husband- who in their right mind sleeps with someone elses husbands- For my Husband his self denial and self interest was jarring- what he was capable of is beyond me- now his remorse is painful to watch but it does remind me that he is human and does have feelings and the feeling of failure on his part overwhelms him- For me I learned that I am stronger than I could imagine- more forgiving than I thought possible- my ability to push through the pain surprises me- I have a renewed sense of me and strength- I do however wish it never happened and I could have learned all of this in another way-but I have also learned you can not undo the past- Cheers to all! 3
Sub Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I learned that anything is possible, that even the most important person in your life is capable of anything. (Unfortunately.) I also learned how trust and faith in someone can be both extremely rewarding and extremely risky. 3
RightThere Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 What did you learn from being a BS? That the world is not as black and white as I thought it was. That I can get pretty low and still pull myself back up in to an even better version of myself. That I need to listen to my gut more and not live in silence. 3
Fluttershy Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I learned that I was too dependant and clingy to my H. That I had lost my own indentity. Whether he cheated, divorced me or died that was not healthy and needed to be addressed so that I could be strong and happy without him. Not that I don't love him or wouldn't be hurt or crushed should something ever seperate us but knowing I can survive it and always find happiness again helps I learned I had poor coping skills. That I am always 100% responsible for my own actions and taking responsibility doesn't mean I am minimizing his actions it means I keep my actions seperate and don't compare to anyone else. I learned I could forgive what I thought was unforivable. I learned that anyone can cheat even if it is just a slippery slope into an EA without knowing it if the person has poor boundaries with a friendship. I doesn't mean they will but left unchecked it really is a slippery slope I learned that the only person I can guarantee won't ever cheat is me. Noone has a crystal ball. I learned people can change for the better or for the worse. I learned as I just posted in another thread that no relationship should have blind trust. That if you feel something is off or wrong you should face it head on instead of minimizing, ignoring or justifying it. I learned there is no one situation and everyone's situation is unique to them. There may be similarities of course but there are variables. I learned you never know how you will react to infidelity. Some people are react the way they think they will. But many don't. Because love, history, circumstances and history can change everything. 6
RightThere Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I learned you never know how you will react to infidelity. Some people are react the way they think they will. But many don't. Because love, history, circumstances and history can change everything. This one goes double for me. 4
EverySunset Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Hmm, I've learned that when the proverbial feces hits the inclined planes that are attached to a rotating center shaft, that you can't depend on anyone to pull you out of the way, or even warn you ahead of time. thank you. Today has been tough but this really made me smile 3
Author Arieswoman Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 I can also add that I leaned :- 1. That I would never get closure from my WS/exH - I had to get that on my own. 2. That revenge should be left up to God - he is better at it than I am. 4
Darren Steez Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Not a BS but a betrayed partner. What has it taught me? I now have a zero tolerance for anything even slightly resembling a red flag..even if it's a pink flag or white flag with specks of red, the hammer comes down. Life is much easier that way. 8
snappytomcat Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 its taught me that im a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be,emotionaly anyways,and im a lot more forgiving than I ever imagined,and even though the trust is coming back slowly,i will never trust blindly like I did before,my eyes,and ears are wide open,and it taught me that in the midst of anger,and sadness,i can laugh again 1
JourneyLady Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 That no matter how long someone has loved you (or claimed to love you), they can still walk away if someone offers them a bigger carrot. (ie the "high" that comes with an affair). That ultimately we are responsible for our own happiness and cannot blame our lack of it on our partners or on anything they do - as long as they are not beating us or abusing us. There is no situation in which someone else might not respond in a neutral or positive way or in other circumstances. That I have the freedom to pursue the learning and growth I want now, while the new wife has most of her time taken up by his needs and his messiness, while I get to learn and grow by not ever being able to be complacent again. 1
KaliLove Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I learned Karate so that the psycho OW can't ever try to hurt me again. My legs are in great shape! 4
drifter777 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I always had trouble trusting people but my wife's cheating taught me to never allow myself to be vulnerable to another human being. I learned that selfishness knows no bounds. I learned that I cannot trust my own judgement. I learned that time alone heals nothing. 1
frogss29 Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I always had trouble trusting people but my wife's cheating taught me to never allow myself to be vulnerable to another human being. I learned that selfishness knows no bounds. I learned that I cannot trust my own judgement. I learned that time alone heals nothing. Gosh, I feel so bad for you To be still in such a tough place just doesn't sound fair. 3
snappytomcat Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I learned Karate so that the psycho OW can't ever try to hurt me again. My legs are in great shape! lol kalilove I love this!!!!!you go girl!!!!!! 1
Author Arieswoman Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 drifter777, I always had trouble trusting people but my wife's cheating taught me to never allow myself to be vulnerable to another human being.If we love someone we give them the power to hurt us. So we need to be careful who we give that power to. I learned that selfishness knows no bounds.You are right about that! I learned that I cannot trust my own judgement We have all made errors of judgement. Some of us need how to learn to make better judegements. I learned that time alone heals nothing. For some people it won't. Some people need to throw some therapy/counselling into the mix. It worked for me. Everyone can heal if they want to. Good Luck.
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