Broken Hearted

April 2, 2014

I am 24 years old and just got out of a four year relationship with a 46 year old man. I met this guy in college when I was a fresh faced 20 year old. It was infatuation at first sight. Because of our age difference, I did not see that much of a future with this guy but I had fun with him in the mean time. I dated this man on and off for the first two years because I did not want to be tied down at such a young age. During this period, this man, my ex, stuck around because by then he had already fallen in love with me. I always initiated our breakups, but wouldn't last for more than a few days because I became so used to him being around.

The critical and unflattering piece here is that from the first day that I met him , he was involved in an unhappy marriage...hence the reason why I always initiated the break-ups because I knew the situation was not right. During the third year of our "relationship" , my ex separated from his wife and moved to a house closer to where I lived (near the university). Once the move had taken place, I moved in with him (while still keeping my own place "just in case"). At this point, my ex was no longer expecting me or wanting me to go out on dates with other men because he was now in a position where we could really be together. As flattered as I was by his desire to want to be with me, my heart was never really into it.

While he was spending all his time and resources treating me like a queen, my foot was always one foot out the door. The last two years of our relationship was riddled with my infidelities with other men. Whenever he found out about these other men, he would be completely heartbroken oftentimes with uncontrollable tears. Despite all of my shortcomings, he would never want to break up with me because he believed that eventually I would come around. Fast forward now to these past few months. At this point, our relationship was very rocky due to the fact that I had a hard time saying we were a solid couple and I was still communicating with guy friends that made my ex uncomfortable. Deep down, I knew our relationship was not going to last but I stayed because I became very comfortable with my ex and our routine lifestyle.

My ex knew that my heart was not really committed to him in the long term but did not take action in breaking up because he believed that I would come to my senses and want to make our relationship work. In December 2013, I just got out of an emotional affair with a man I worked with. My ex knew about the whole thing and the EA in turn did not end well. My ex was so hurt that I was sharing my feelings with another man but yet again insisted that he would give me a chance to try to work on our relationship. Throughout this turbulent time, we were rarely physically intimate because I was so upset about my emotional affair blowout. Around this time (in December/January) when my ex and I were trying to figure out our relationship, he started mentioning the name of a female that he worked with. At first he said that she made him feel uncomfortable because he thought she liked him , but then a few weeks later when I asked about her, he said that he gave her his phone number because he felt that they can be friends.

I was upset when he told me this because even though we were on rocky terrain, we were still together. He made a point to leave his cell phone around to let me know that he was not doing anything with her. He even gave me his email passwords just in case I thought he was emailing her. He in fact wanted me to come to a work function with him so that I could meet her and see for myself that their friendship was harmless. On top of that, he said that I would probably like her because she had similar style to me (she is also my same race) I was not swayed. Two months ago, the day before his birthday, I broke up with him. His "friends" name had come up frequently and I had too much pride to be around for any potential infidelity (on his part). He claims that they were just friends and promised on his kids but I did not want to stick around for that.

Once I left (boxes packed and everything…really final this time). I found out that a day later (on his birthday) this work "friend" he was talking about had taken him to dinner and had purchased him a birthday gift. They had been inseparable for the rest of that week..even sleeping together on the third or fourth day after we broke up. Even though I broke up with him, I was livid. If he really loved me, wouldn't he have waited at least two weeks before he moved onto someone new? As far as I know, they are still together, based on what our mutual friends have observed. It is accurate to say that I never was in love with him, but I cared for him. I am in a spot where I am grieving our relationship but want to move on. I am not dating anyone seriously but maybe I should so that I can get over missing him. This all doesn't make sense to me because even though I broke up with him, I am mad with how quickly he moved on and to a woman who looks similar to me (yet she is 37 years old).

I feel like if it were any other woman, I would be fine but it had to be her. I just feel like I was easily replaced and that is not a good feeling. Deep down, I really want to wish him well but for now I am unable to. I know that it is best for me to focus on myself now that I am no longer in a relationship, but my mind keeps going back to my previous relationship and how it all ended. A week after our breakup, I talked to my ex about why he jumped into a relationship so soon after me. He had such an angry response that I have never seen from him before. He was crying and saying that I was bad for him because I did not know what I wanted but continued to use him for the sake of being comfortable. he also mentioned that there were times where he considered suicide because I kept hurting him…the fact that he has kids is what saved him.

So now, as I look back on that moment, I am also dealing with feelings of extreme guilt and sorrow for this man. I know that it is best that we are not together (it's what I have always wanted!) but I can't seem to move on from thoughts of him. Perhaps it is because I really dislike how our relationship ended. I would have liked to be friends with him but now can't because of how he moved on with someone who was a threat in our relationship.

Do I have a right to feel like this? Is it crazy that I want to be able to have a friendship with him someday? (I can't imagine not being friends with him especially since we we're best friends for four years). Any thoughts or questions on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Edited April 2, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 2, 2014

First, you are too young ......Too young .. to be in a commited relationship with someone

Second, you were with someone who is 22 years older than you and was married at the time!

YOu never invested in this relationship, you dated other men and cheated and he waited for you, you were selfish ........what do you really except

I don't know what kind of relationship you were building but it wasn't healthy or right.

Not because of the age gap or you being so so young

but because you weren't really into the relationship 100%

You are only sad now because your routine is over, give it a time and you will get over the pain.....

Focus on your future, and try to find a guy who you can be with 100%

April 2, 2014

You are a selfish nutcase.

You cheated on the guy numerous times, you never were in love with him, you broke up with him, and now you are livid that you have been replaced with someone who might actually love him and be faithful to him?

Are you kidding me?

April 2, 2014

I'm going to tell you some harsh truths.

You are incredibly unstable, mentally and emotionally.

You are extremely impulsive.

You are extremely selfish.

Sounds like you lack most if not ALL empathy.

You lack a means to use logic competently.

Most likely, you are just trolling. Though in this world, I wouldn't be that shocked if not... although, saddened.

My strongest advice to you, for YOUR OWN GOOD, is get professional help. You will possibly be able to have a successful relationship in the future if so.

If not, then you are going to cause a lot of people to swim in fire.

April 2, 2014

First, you are too young ......Too young .. to be in a commited relationship with someone

Secondly, this comment is a lot of what is wrong with America. Please, get out of here with toxic advice. She's 24.

April 2, 2014

Both valid responses. This is the thing that I don't get. I did not treat him that well yet I am irritated with how he moved on. It's confusing for me and I hate it.

April 2, 2014

Both valid responses. This is the thing that I don't get. I did not treat him that well yet I am irritated with how he moved on. It's confusing for me and I hate it.

It's ego. A hurt ego. You may not have realised how much you loved him. It's gonna feel horrible for you, but let him be now. He deserves to be happy.

April 2, 2014

I appreciate your response newtothis. I suspect that it is my ego. Deep down I want him to be happy, but it is hard to feel that way

when I am still processing what the relationship meant to me.

Edited April 2, 2014 by freebird25

April 2, 2014

You are a selfish nutcase.

You cheated on the guy numerous times, you never were in love with him, you broke up with him, and now you are livid that you have been replaced with someone who might actually love him and be faithful to him?

Are you kidding me?

Jesus Christ thank you.

You are the most selfish person I have every had the opportunity of reading a post from, OP. I can't believe you even had the gall to write that with a straight face. Unreal.

April 2, 2014

Both valid responses. This is the thing that I don't get. I did not treat him that well yet I am irritated with how he moved on. It's confusing for me and I hate it.

I would hate it too if it just smacked me in the face how self-absorbed I actually was. My god. Let the guy go and be happy. You need to do some serious work on yourself.

April 2, 2014

I just feel like I was easily replaced and that is not a good feeling. .

So, how do you think he felt when you kept replacing him with all the other men you were sleeping with while you were with him?

When you say you care for him, how does one care for someone yet knowingly and consciously inflict pain on them? Your "care" is very skewed.

Your ego is very bruised. That's all it is. You had someone under your thumb for all these years. Now that you've lost control, it irks you. And now that you have lost your source of attention and that attention is being placed on another women, there's jealousy.

You have a lot of emotional and mental growing up to do. Be happy for him. After all, for four years he wasn't what you really wanted in your life. What better time than now to go search for what you truly desire.

April 2, 2014

Despite the harsh and sometimes unnecessary comments people post on the internet, I am grateful for this jolt of reality. Yes I am young, and for that I am grateful because there is still a little bit of time for me to work on my mistakes. Each comment here holds some truth to it, and it is an interesting experience for me to face my areas of improvement. If I haven't said so already, thank you all for being honest.

April 3, 2014

Despite the harsh and sometimes unnecessary comments people post on the internet, I am grateful for this jolt of reality. Yes I am young, and for that I am grateful because there is still a little bit of time for me to work on my mistakes. Each comment here holds some truth to it, and it is an interesting experience for me to face my areas of improvement. If I haven't said so already, thank you all for being honest.

Wow. Just wow.

The others are completely right. Not unnecessary at all, but necessary for you to hear. Who gives a **** if it's on the internet, people on here are people too. We all put a little of our own situations and experiences into our comments, and yours strikes a nasty cord with allot, myself included.

Don't treat people like objects. You used him and now expect for him to feel sorry or remorse for moving on? He's happy now after the pain you put him through. Be happy in the fact that he's happy now, or at least is trying to.

I hope you take these comments to heart. I was in your exes situation. It's hard for me not to want to be mean to you.

Please don't treat anyone like this again. It leaves them more jaded and pissed at the world than you know. Maybe one day you will be in his shoes and feel that pain, but I wish that on no one.

It sounds like you are taking this in and I really hope I'm right. I wish you the best. You don't want to be considered a toxic person to be involved with and that's just what you've done/where your headed.

April 3, 2014

In order to be broken hearted first you need to have a heart u don't even have a knowledge of that particular organs function and even less understanding.

We don't like that here ...

April 3, 2014

I'm just going to go on record here and say this place was started and continues on for people who need help.

If this place was somewhere to go to get a ass chewing no one would open up about their life.

Nothing nice to say or help, keep it movin.

Nothing aggravates me more than people downing one another because it relates to them somehow, or triggers something that they personally are carrying around within themselves.

So now I got that out of my system.

Listen op, first things first.

I almost stopped reading after you wrote your ages.

Huge red flag.

The cheating and stuff, another red flag.

Him being married, red flag.

This will never be a happy relationship.

It's best to re read your own story, identify red flags, take wisdom from this relationship so you know what not to do, and what to look for in your next.

Take some time to get right within yourself.

Oh and to the " this is what's wrong with America " post...

Where do I even begin.

Smh.

Barky

April 3, 2014

This doesn't even have to do with helping her..you can't have a healthy relationship without basic trust.

Ultimately, treat others the way you want to be treated.

This looks to me like someone who took for granted what they had, and when they left, now miss it.

Only advice to give would be more dedicated if you're going to be in a relationship.

April 3, 2014

I appreciate your post Barky.

April 3, 2014

Oh and to the " this is what's wrong with America " post...

Where do I even begin.

Smh.

Barky

Normally, I agree with you barky. I even agreed with the top of your post. Clearly, we approached that wrong. Should have not been so mean. I make no excuses, I apologize to the OP for that.

But barky, you failed with the part I just quoted.

That America post was in regards to "You are only 24, you are too young to commit."

So, Barky, you feel 24 is too young to be in a committed relationship? Is this the mentality and way of thinking we should perpetuate? I'd love to hear your rebuttal on this. Take your time

April 3, 2014

Thank you for your responses. As I am processing this, I can't help but ask, wasn't he in the wrong for putting up with my behavior? Why was it hard for him to cut things off with me when he was only hurting himself over and over again? Perhaps this is a side to be considered.

I am owning up to what I have done hence my side of the story, and trust me, it does not feel good..which is my lesson. But there are also other parts of this story that are worthy of attention.

April 3, 2014

Thank you for your responses. As I am processing this, I can't help but ask, wasn't he in the wrong for putting up with my behavior?

To some degree, this is insightful. Yes, the whole "fool me once" quote applies... but just because he was willing to open the door, doesn't mean you had to keep knocking. Something to partake in introspection about

April 3, 2014

Normally, I agree with you barky. I even agreed with the top of your post. Clearly, we approached that wrong. Should have not been so mean. I make no excuses, I apologize to the OP for that.

But barky, you failed with the part I just quoted.

That America post was in regards to "You are only 24, you are too young to commit."

So, Barky, you feel 24 is too young to be in a committed relationship? Is this the mentality and way of thinking we should perpetuate? I'd love to hear your rebuttal on this. Take your time

No I don't feel that way one bit.

I feel every person needs considerable amount of committed relationships.

I feel everyone learns something that they carry on from each one.

I was in a committed relationship at 8th grade. Lol

If you were implying that 24 is an acceptable age to be in a committed relationship , then I apologize.

Barky

Edited April 3, 2014 by barky2

April 3, 2014

Oh ok, lol. Just a miscommunication then. Yes an earlier poster implied 24 was too young to get in a committed relationship, and I said that mentality is what is wrong with America. All is well brother

April 3, 2014

I can't help but ask, wasn't he in the wrong for putting up with my behavior? Why was it hard for him to cut things off with me when he was only hurting himself over and over again? Perhaps this is a side to be considered..

Of course, he shouldn't have put up with that behavior. But viewing it from your perspective, a non-emotional stance, it's easy to say that it was his fault as well as he could have gotten out of it. And he should have. But when you're caught up emotionally, your logic is skewed and your ability to make rational decisions are non-existent.

You see it here all the time. People being treated with disrespect and disregard only to keep holding on and waiting for some sort of miracle or change to happen because they cannot let go. That's why the kind thing to do is to always let them go, especially when you know the power lies with you. When thinking with your heart, you don't always make the best choices.

April 3, 2014

Thank you for your responses. As I am processing this, I can't help but ask, wasn't he in the wrong for putting up with my behavior? Why was it hard for him to cut things off with me when he was only hurting himself over and over again? Perhaps this is a side to be considered.

I am owning up to what I have done hence my side of the story, and trust me, it does not feel good..which is my lesson. But there are also other parts of this story that are worthy of attention.

If you kick your puppy he might run away but he'll eventually need to be fed and walked again so he will come back to you. That doesn't mean you should kick him again. This guy was unhealthily dependent on you but that didn't give you the right to abuse him.

I'm glad you're learning from this experience and that you appear to be processing what everyone is saying.

April 4, 2014

Secondly, this comment is a lot of what is wrong with America. Please, get out of here with toxic advice. She's 24.

You get out of here!

She is too young like it or not!

Don't talk to me like this! I am entitled to say what I want and if you don't like it, that is up to you!

If you want to attack attack attack ..Feel free to do that, but don't come at me! ..We all have done mistakes.. attacking people won't fix them!

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Broken Hearted

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