Together for 5 years, married 3 weeks and she 'has no feelings' for me'

[xd351]

Hi everyone, need advice on how to deal with my current situation.

 

We have been together for over 5 years, lived together for close to 4. Got engaged 15 months ago and married at the beginning of last month.

 

3 Weeks after our marriage she told me she has no feelings for me, and has been pretty cold about it since.

 

I will try give some background, will probably miss something or may not have realised things yet.

 

We currently live in a house behind her parents, which is owned by them. And she works for her parents, but not with them.

I work days with the occasional away trip, and she works evenings (till 9) for the last little while - so we don't see a whole lot of each other at the moment. Its been that way for maybe 6 months.

I am 30, she is 25.

 

Up until getting engaged everything was good, the engagement was mainly her idea (as was marriage), I love her dearly and had no problems at all getting engaged to her, getting married and plan for kids (she always wanted marriage before kids).

 

The year of the engagement things did get a little stale at times, even maybe a little before the engagement but I believe that is kind of normal after a few years, ups and and downs. We still had fun together and liked hanging out, talked all the time and did things together. She gave me thoughtful birthday and christmas presents, and I tried to do the same for her.

 

I had grown a little unhappy with a few things, we had both gained a little weight, were getting a bit lazier. Nothing huge though, and exacerbated by our miss matched working hours.

 

I work hard and try give her everything she wants, maybe I have lacked a little on the emotional side of it. My job is a 'good job', pay well and lets us live how we do, but brings with it stress and other commitments.

 

I had some wedding jitters but worked through it. We bought a house (not yet living in it) and we did all the normal stuff we do in our relationship.

 

A few couple months prior to the wedding while we were in a slow patch I had a chat with her and asked if we were ok, she was very adamant everything was ok. She was a little upset when I suggested things were a little slow of late, and I tried to give her an opportunity to air any concerns but again she was adamant everything was ok, and I think it was. She has always been very committed.

 

About a month or 2 prior to the wedding she was hanging out a little more with her girlfirends, and drinking a little more than she used to I guess. I did get a little jealous at times if any guys were about, and for being excluded a bit, but I know that she has always been faithful to me- and I don't doubt that till this day.

She also had a similar phase a couples years back where she excluded me briefly from some of her friends, but now I am great friends with them also.

 

Lead up to the wedding was a little stressful with organising it all, I wasn't super involved in regards to organising it - as it got nearer though I ended up running with a few things and helping out more to try relieve stress.

 

2 or 3 weeks prior to the wedding she expressed some concern that she thought maybe we should delay it. We talked for a while and the stress of it all seemed to be getting to her, she was dreading the thought of speaking in front of so many people.

I talked to some other girls I know who were recently married and they reported similar feelings prior to the wedding.

I spoke with my girlfriend some more, and after just the talking alone she felt relieved - and we seemed to have worked through it.

 

The wedding came (Saturday), was a great day. Everything went smoothly, and everyone had a great time. She looked beautiful, and seemed so happy.

 

The day after we had a family do, and spent the night together in our hotel again. Tired, but lovey dovey.

 

The next day we had a party for our friends, also a great day.

Tuesday we hung out as I had to travel for work the following day.

 

I deeply regret now that I was called away for work for 10 days from the Wednesday after our wedding. (Our honeymoon is to be in a couple weeks from now, so 6 weeks after wedding) I feel now robbed of the post wedding bliss.

While away we constantly chatted via message and social media (no phone reception), everything was great. She said she was missing me, and I her.

If I look though the messages now, everything was really nice and as I expected and wanted. I was happy, and she seemed happy also.

 

I was very excited to see her on my return (day 14 of marriage), she was at another wedding so was all dressed up beautifully, and we had a nice night. Had dinner and hung out the following 2 nights.

 

The following week she hung out with her girlfriends maybe a little more than usual, but that was ok- I did have some concern as it did seem like she was acting out a little. Some nights were pretty late and didn't do much for my sleep pattern as I wake often to see if she was home and safe. We were still intimate and it seemed as though she was just getting some relief after the stresses of the wedding. I did send her a few texts to see where she was at times, and she did was a little annoyed at me 'checking up on her', but I just wanted to ensure she was safe.

 

That friday she went out with her friends again and was another late one. Some guys I know were heading out of town for the Sat night (originally her friends) so I went with them, I was hesitant to go as I was starting to worry a little about her heading out and getting home safe. She had work so couldnt come with us, and then went out with her friends that night. She didn't reply to a whole lot of my texts that night, I am a little unsure how late of a night it was .

The following day she was out riding with some other people I know, I wanted to organise dinner but she never replied and when she did she had already eaten and was out the front of our house and wanted me to help her unload her gear. Its best part of an hours drive to where she was so had plenty of time to reply. She had replied to texts in the morning, but nothing in the afternoon.

 

Monday night I was away for work again, and she went out with another girl again which was pretty late one.

I had been trying to show some more attention to here since before the wedding, so left her a love note/card - the first thing i had given her with 'my wife' printed on it, with some massage 'vouchers' from me.

 

Tuesday I was back, and was excited to see her again, went and saw her at work and she wasn't as excited as I had hoped.

She later asked why I didn't come in and hug her straight away, I wanted to but at the time I didn't feel she did (?).

Prior to seeing her I had run into her family, and we had a chat and I mentioned that I had only really managed to have 1 or 2 dinners since our wedding due to work, and the fact she had been heading out a bit without me. They said they thought she was being a little weird and going out too much, and a lot more than usual.

 

That night when she came home, her folks wanted to talk to her about something but she assumed she was in trouble for something and avoided them. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk to me about and she said maybe;

 

We started talking and she said that she had no longer had any feelings for me at all, which shocked me.

She said she was feeling numb to everything at the moment, ever her beloved dog that she loves more that anything in the world - she had no time for and was annoyed at him. This dog is spoilt as, and she lets him do everything, its weird I am going on about the dog but I am just trying to express the numbness to everything and not just me.

This was 3 weeks from the date of marriage.

 

We talked some more and she said she didn't know what she wanted, but she wanted to do things for her self, 'live her life', and felt others were pressuring her to do 'married people stuff'.

I mentioned counselling and she seemed receptive to the idea.

 

Her parents must have said something the next day as well, as I copped a heap of abuse via text for 'dobbing on her', and 'whinging to her parents'. That wasnt my intention, and I had asked her parents to not say anything about their concern over her heading out etc as it was something I wanted to sort out. They obviously already knew, and they are sometimes up when she gets home in the morning and see her walk past.

 

The rest of the week I hardly saw her. One of her friends had a issue with her partner, so my wife tried to help her out, and another friend had a death in the family - so she also tired to help her out.

Wednesday she was home at about 2 am, but her upset friend was there with her and they talked out in the lounge till 4am and slept out there.

Thursday night she was out at her house till 2am. Which was all fine, as they were having tough time.

Friday night was another girls birthday and she was out with them till 6am. Saturday we hung a bit during the day at a friend's wedding, she took off later in the night to go be with her upset friend and stayed there most the night and they fell asleep watching movies- got home at 830 am. Slept till 1430 and then went bike riding with the same friend at 1500 until 2030.

We had initially planned to have dinner together, but she went riding instead.

..She did ask if it was Ok for her to go riding, didnt feel that she would have taken any notice of my answer had I said no. But I believed she would only be a couple hours max, not 5 hours and miss our dinner date.

 

Monday I tried organising some more of our honeymoon with her, she is going on a family holiday 1st (I can't due to work) and then has 10 days between that and meeting up with me overseas that she will spend a little time by herself and a little time with relatives that live overseas.

 

Anyway, I bought up the counselling thing again, and she now says she wanted it for herself and not for 'us'. This really really upset me.

I tried to talk to her a little more, but she said again she didn't know what she wanted, and was confused herself.

Instead of crying in front of her I went for a drive - I think now probably a mistake. I have been trying to keep composed in front of her for the last week.

She went to her friend's house to talk with her, and then stayed there most the night again.

 

Tuesday I lost my ****, I felt so sad and couldn't stop crying. I had been crying a bit in the week prior but Tuesday was particularly bad. I left work early and saw a counsellor, I haven't spoken to any friends yet or my mum and dad (I will tonight). I am not sure my wife knows how much this has affected me, I did say I went to a counsellor though.

Counsellor didn't say too much, but suggested to try ask her where she saw us or her in a month, or 6 months

And also to ask that if she could wake up tomorrow and everything was fixed, what would her life look like and what would be different.

 

Her answer to all those questions was " I don't know", wouldn't give anything more.

And again refused the idea of a couples counsellor, saying they couldn't make her love me again, what could they do? (or something along those lines).

I am a little confused by it all, and am now questioning what I truly want, I never imaged a breakdown this fast.

 

We are still living together, and she has not mentioned actually breaking up.

I asked if we were still together, and her answer was yes, but don't try be intimate or try control her. (She didn't say that last bit directly, but that is what I think she meant)

 

As I write this I can see that I should have picked up on issues earlier and tried to work through them then, or gone to a counsellor or what have you.

 

She texts less often, and doesn't reply to everything anymore. I am trying to resist the urge to keep contacting/texting her, and try not to respond instantly.

 

Up until this Monday nights talk she was still saying I love you on the phone, or when i left for work etc, and we were holding hands and being quite affectionate at the wedding on the Saturday. But she has been avoiding me some, and hanging out with others a lot.

We haven't been intimate since she originally said she had no feelings.

 

I dont think I can accept that our marriage is over after just 3 weeks, well we are still 'together' but I don't know what to do? Can I fix this?

I don't yet want to move out as I think that will be the finalisation of it all ? From previous relationships, moving out allows for me or them to get into another relationship - once that happens its like a switch is flicked and its over.

 

I need to know how to approach her without being clingy, smothering or pathetic?

To try counselling, to try and see what is wrong?

As we live with them should I involve her parents (she will hate me for that, but I do need some help)?

There is 1 freind in particular she has been talking to, should I ask that friend whats going on or for advice? Or ask her to encourage some sort of counselling?

 

It may be too late for anything, as she is very cold and shows no feeling when talking to me about anything..? I am a little worried that there is another issue causing this potentially, depression or what have you.

If it comes to it, at the very least I want to be able to leave on good terms.

 

She leaves for her holiday in 11 days (this 'time limit' also isn't helping). Do you think the time away from everything here could be positive?

She will be with immediate family for 8 days, by herself for about 5, and then relatives for 4 days and then me only for 4 weeks.

I also don't want it to turn into a miserable holiday, its meant to be a honeymoon afteral. I do think at worst if she doesn't come around a bit by then, we will still have a good holiday, but I may pine for her and follow her around a bit too much.

 

I am hopeful the time away from our day to day life will help her and us, but worried that if it stays the same the once we are back that will be it.

 

Its gone from her wanting to get married (mainly so we can start having kids, she always wanted to be a stay at home mum for a while) to the complete opposite.

Our dream house is to be built soon (close to her parents though), a long honeymoon overseas, everything she said she ever wanted really.

I have thought about us maybe moving somewhere a little away from her parents and see if she can get a 9-5 type job so we have more time, not sure if any of that would help and just stress our finances.

 

She did tell her doctor that she felt she had a slight anxiety issue, he sent her for a blood test? But we have yet to hear anything.

 

Tonight is girls night, so I most likely won't see her. Tomorrow night can talk more, we have to organise holiday/honeymoon more as well.

 

Sorry for such a long post

Edited April 2, 2014 by xd351

[Grumpybutfun]

There is nothing you did that I saw in your post to make me think you did anything that warrants such cold behavior. Two things stood out for me....

 

She is hanging out and partying, acting single with her friends...therefore I have to ask because she shows all the signs of cheating if that is even a possibility.

 

The second is that even her family thinks she is acting bizarre which throws red flags up that her behavior has changed quickly and therefore points me back to there being another man.

 

Anxiety is a symptom of something she is doing....usually something she feels is wrong and the fact You feel she thinks you are trying to control her when you let her go out and party with her her friends like a single woman is disturbing. She wants freedom, and the only reasons I can imagine why is because she found someone else.

 

Time to self protect. Go into investigative mode, time to respect her wishes and pull back, but hire an investigator to find out if she is cheating. My feeling is that she is doing something she knows you and her parents aren't going to like. If you are so free with your wife going out partying, it isn't drinking.

 

Do not follow her like a puppy, do not try to plead and cry to get her back. She is into something, and until you find out what it is you have to assume the worst because she is playing you. No one gets married and changes their mind three weeks later because of work schedule conflicts. No one says, I don't know to questions you ask unless they really don't want to give you the answers.

 

There are posters here who have dealt with this sort of thing so I will defer to them to give you some advice on how to handle this, but please don't be a doormat....you will regret it.

 

Good luck,

Grumps

[fujidabruin]

Sorry to hear about this problem.....

 

If she is not willing to at least get counseling together, I am afraid you may have to move on from this woman.

 

Seems like she is withholding what is really going on with her issues.....

maybe GIG? infidelity? whatever it is she needs to be working it out with you and she is not doing so.

 

Could be she has "cold feet" after the fact? I don't know but if she is not going to communicate this early in your marriage then how will you function years down the road?

 

OP, I agree with Grumps..... do not be a doormat! Express your boundaries and let her know that if you are to remain partners then the effort and desire to be fully in the relationship has to be there.

 

Good Luck

[xd351]

Thank you for your replies

 

I am not sure what GIG stands for just yet, I have seen a few acronyms on this board that I haven't heard of before

 

She is hanging out and partying, acting single with her friends...therefore I have to ask because she shows all the signs of cheating if that is even a possibility.

 

The second is that even her family thinks she is acting bizarre which throws red flags up that her behavior has changed quickly and therefore points me back to there being another man.

 

There being another person has crossed my mind, I still do think it is unlikely given how we have been in the past- but I won’t discount the idea. ¬

 

While she always looks nice when heading out, she doesn’t try that much all the time (unless we/she is heading somewhere nice), there is no new clothes, no sexy underwear or anything of that nature, and a few other things that I would expect if you are trying to impress someone - physically at least.

I haven’t noticed anything on social media that would suggest increased interest from a 3rd party.

 

Also, with her parents thinking something is up - I think they were aware of her going out a lot, more than anything.

 

No one gets married and changes their mind three weeks later because of work schedule conflicts. No one says, I don't know to questions you ask unless they really don't want to give you the answers.

Could be she has "cold feet" after the fact? I don't know but if she is not going to communicate this early in your marriage then how will you function years down the road?

 

I guess its possible that she went through with the marriage as that was what she thought was expected/pressured to do, it was a kind of expensive wedding (where her parents paid for the vast majority) and as usual people came far to attend.

So by the time we talked about it - the pressure was already there to go through with it, and that could also be why she is worried what her parents will say, it cost them a lot, and its so soon afterwards that she/we are having issues.

 

As for not wanting counseling together or answering questions; She is very stubborn usually, and will rebel and do the opposite of what is asked/expect in a lot of cases.

I think though that I will try and see if she will see someone by herself, and I will explain why (apart from the obvious) below.

 

I may be off track here, but the more I think about it, and discussing it with my parents and thinking back to the counselor, the more I start to think that there is a broader issue that what I first thought.

 

One thing she did say the first day she dropped this on me was that she wanted to do things for herself, achieve something for her self – and I guess be independent and have her own achievements in life.

She also said she wished her parents would but out and leave her alone (not that I think they are very intrusive personally – but family dynamics can’t usually be easily understood by outsiders)

 

She has been very lucky in life in that her parents have helped her a lot, we live with them, the house we bought we bought off them, the building of the house I think will be subsidized by them, and she works for them. And she has never moved out. And I have become part of that ‘world’, living with them, etc, and all those layer coupled with being married, the stress leading up to it, and the vacuum afterwards, added responsibilities etc, may be part of the issue for her.

Hopefully not just me rationalising

 

She actually rang just now to see what I was up to, being at my parents she asked if a 'whinged' to them and didn't seem overly happy about it; she doesn't like people knowing whats up - but I haven't had anyone else to speak to and can't see an issue with it.

 

OP, I agree with Grumps..... do not be a doormat! Express your boundaries and let her know that if you are to remain partners then the effort and desire to be fully in the relationship has to be there.

I do wan't to try work through things and give her what she needs, but I don't want to be walked over. It will be hard once emotions kick in, yes I will try stand my ground and not give too much up.

 

...I feel a little weird posting about this without her, and saying not overly flattering things about her - but I do love her dearly and she knows that.

 

I may speak to a friend of mine and hers shortly, I don't think I will tell her the whole story just to try keep it under wraps, but I won't be speaking to her parents yet.

 

All very confusing, I will try to get her to talk some more to me and maybe a professional, set some boundaries, and see how I go.

 

*edit

Just saw her at work then, and she was quite happy to talk about various things and without awkward moments and silence, seemed in a good mood. no hard questions or anything while she was at work but. She did say again about feeling pressure from others. Also my impression on the phone when I told her I was at/speaking to my parents may have been wrong, seemed fine when mentioned in person. She also seemed quite receptive to moving into another house (or a small aparent I own) together for a little while.

Maybe the little bit of space is what's needed, I haven't bombarded her with texts etc but she has rang and messaged me- not much but still has. Bit early to tell but, can't let myself get excited. I'll see how it plays out. Confusing haha

 

Thanks

Edited April 2, 2014 by xd351