greenman77 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 So a little back story... I'm a 21 year old male close to graduating college. About 3 years ago (when I was 18) I moved to the U.S. to go to college leaving all my friends and most of my family behind. Since then I haven't really made friends with whom I hang out with outside of class. I get along with people in my classes but I guess it never developed from more than that. I guess it's mostly because of my shyness and me being some what of an introvert. So back to my question, would you (girls) date someone with no friends in the area? What would be your reaction to learning this? I would appreciate any comment or opinion. Thanks guys.
PegNosePete Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Why don't you make some friends then? Try meetup dot com, it's great for finding like minded people who share your interests. 1
BikerAccnt Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Some people just don't have a lot of friends, or don't make friends easily. So yeah , I would. The number of friends a person has or doesn't have makes no bearing on if I would date them or not. I don't have a lot of friends, acquaintances mostly. I'm very social, just not a of close friends. So I am familiar with the situation. 2
Lernaean_Hydra Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 This guy I've been seeing for nearly 9 months now who had only moved to my city a few weeks prior to meeting me didn't have friends either. Initially I was kind of put off by his supposed lack of friends and wondered whether he was hiding me from them; however, things changed and I realized he was simply more of the "shy loner" type. Anyway, he didn't and STILL doesnt have a lot of friends. Today, his only "friends" consist of his douchebag, frat boy wannabe roommates and every GTA volume ever made. I don't mind though. Basically, while I can't speak for ALL other women, I must say, if you keep me entertained and are enthusiastic about being around me, how ever many (or few), if ANY friends you have, would make little difference to me.
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 It would make me very wary... I could handle it if they had moved recently from far away and had friends in their hometown, or if they were actively trying to build friendships, but to be honest it'd be a no from me. I have a very close set of friends, we're not in each other's pockets and don't see each other every day or every week but friends I've had for a decade plus, friends I've had maybe five or six years I'm super close to, friends I've made in this past couple years that I've grown really close to. Best friends from high school, super close friends from voluntary work, friends I've picked up along the way from university, jobs, friends of friends. I don't have much of a family any more so my friends really are my family, and my best friends' families are more like my family than my own blood relatives are. So those friendship ties are very important to me. In the past when I've dated men with fewer friends, like maybe a handful of pals rather than any long lasting deep bonds, I've ended up resenting it over time a little if they've become involved in my friendship circle. It always felt like they were ingratiating themselves far more into my life than I was able to into theirs... they were befriending my friends while I got none of that in return. It made me uneasy because I knew that if we split up it'd be much harder for me, having this person drop out of my group and their presence being felt, whereas I could just evaporate from their life and the only person who'd notice my presence gone would be them. I don't think I'm explaining this very well but it's nicer when things are more equal. You don't ALWAYS want to be staying at one person's house, hanging with one person's friends, going on one person's holiday destination choice. It's really nice to both bring stuff to the table and given how big a part of my life friendships are, I just don't see how I'd be compatible with somebody with no friends. My current boyfriend has fewer friends than I do, owing to not being from round these parts. He has maybe ten that he sees regularly, ranging from a best friend or two to friends he goes to gigs with etc. or is in a band with. That's absolutely fine with me and it makes me feel great when he invites me out to hang with him and his friends, as though he wants me to become a part of his life. I have more friends (I still live in my hometown) I guess, but that's not an issue either. I love bringing him with me when I go out with my friends, although we both spend plenty of time with our respective friends without each other too I guess I just don't want to be a one stop shop for someone's every social need. I want that social need to be spread out amongst many people, like a real community, so that me and a partner aren't too reliant on one another for all of our emotional needs being met. That's not healthy. Plus it's super fun when you first start dating someone and start introducing them to your friends one by one. My friends are my family and it means a lot for me if they get along and it's always exciting to introduce a guy I'm crazy about to the people who've known and loved me for years too. Maybe if I had a big or close family I'd be less firm on the friends thing but it's really only me (26) and my fairly older dad and stepmum (mid-sixties) now and I only see them once a month or so if that so I'm glad I've built up such an awesome network of fantastic people that feel like family. I am a busy person though, so I don't see my friends constantly or anything. I make lots of time for my relationship when I'm in one, they never feel secondary to my friends.
PegNosePete Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 It made me uneasy because I knew that if we split up it'd be much harder for me, having this person drop out of my group and their presence being felt, whereas I could just evaporate from their life and the only person who'd notice my presence gone would be them. Interesting, I'd say it's the other way around. If you were to split up then you would have lots of friends to help and support you, whereas he'd be on his own with no shoulder to cry on. He would be losing his entire social circle.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 It wouldn't a problem for me. I'm an introvert myself, and it takes time to make new friends when I move somewhere new. My last boyfriend had moved to my city for work and hadn't been here that long when we started dating. (Then he had to move again for work, and it was the same situation in a new place.) So he didn't have any real friends where he lived, but had long-time friends in other cities that he called regularly and visited once or twice a year. He and I both worked pretty much all the time, and spent our free time together, with my friends joining us occasionally. I prefer to spend the majority of my free time with my man, so this worked for us. 2
Author greenman77 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 @PegNosePete thanks for the suggestion. I have been checking out that site and it looks great. I'll definitely use it! About making friends, I get along well with people but its the progressing from that to actually hanging out outside of school that I find hard to do. @acrosstheuniverse I understand and I respect your opinion. It's not like I have no friends at all. Just not in this city where I live. I went to the same school back in my home country from age 5 all the way until graduating at age 18 so I have a core group of best friends. But unfortunately since moving here I haven't had the chance to go back and visit. But we do talk 1 or 2 times a year via either via facebook or phonecalls. On a few occasions some of them came to this city for a few days and we hung out while they were here. I'm also really close to my family (mostly my dad/mom/sister/brother) Thanks for the replies guys. I really appreciate it. They have definitely helped. Keep them coming!
Trnamakesnse Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I'm a guy. And I've found girls aren't interested in my friends so much as they are in my friendliness. Personally I don't really care for being very social but if there is a social situation I do well and enjoy myself as do those around me. I am perfectly happy being alone or with friends it makes no difference. I have goals and a career to follow, and in my opinion in the end when I'm an old man I only want one friend. Even now I only want one friend that I can truly call a friend. But to be fair I only call people friends once they are basically my best friend. Never had more than two in my entire life. I doubt a woman would care about the numerical on your friendlist not one worth bothering with anyway just my opinion though.
GravityMan Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 If she was new to town, sure. Chances are she has some friends from her previous location. Even if she was an introvert or a loner. It is rare not to have any friends at all. If she's been living here for awhile (say at least one year), I'd be a little wary. I'd probably be observant of how she acts around other people while out in public. If she didn't have any close friends, that's fine...but simply getting out of the house and mingling with people every now and then should net you at least a couple of acquaintances over a year's time. I believe in the saying that a good way to make friends is to be a good friend yourself. Most strong friendships form during one's grade school and college years, and most people's inner social circles are pretty well solidified by the time they finish college...if not, then within the first few years of one's professional career.
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Interesting, I'd say it's the other way around. If you were to split up then you would have lots of friends to help and support you, whereas he'd be on his own with no shoulder to cry on. He would be losing his entire social circle. True, in terms of getting over the breakup as a whole I'd definitely be more set up to cope with the aftermath. But solely in terms of disappearing from each other's lives, I think I'd rather be in the position where I can just lift the other person right out and proceed as normal. It is painful when lots of things in your life remind you of them, whether because they were always staying at yours or they were out at every social occasion your friends held etc. @PegNosePete thanks for the suggestion. I have been checking out that site and it looks great. I'll definitely use it! About making friends, I get along well with people but its the progressing from that to actually hanging out outside of school that I find hard to do. @acrosstheuniverse I understand and I respect your opinion. It's not like I have no friends at all. Just not in this city where I live. I went to the same school back in my home country from age 5 all the way until graduating at age 18 so I have a core group of best friends. But unfortunately since moving here I haven't had the chance to go back and visit. But we do talk 1 or 2 times a year via either via facebook or phonecalls. On a few occasions some of them came to this city for a few days and we hung out while they were here. I'm also really close to my family (mostly my dad/mom/sister/brother) Thanks for the replies guys. I really appreciate it. They have definitely helped. Keep them coming! I would be more understanding of somebody in your situation who has a clear reason for why they aren't swimming in friends in their locale. Do you really only speak to your core group of BEST friends once or twice a year? Some of my best friends I speak to near daily, others sometimes as little as monthly, but I can't imagine not speaking for a year! I would strongly recommend you step outside of your comfort zone and start taking some risks in order to build friendships... if you're getting on great with somebody in school, ask them if they want to grab a coffee after the lecture. Or ask what their plans are for the weekend, and say well if you fancy going into town on Sunday let me know, I need help buying *whatever* you know? I have many close friends but each year I still manage to pick up one or two more new friends that I value deeply and am excited to spend time with. You might get blown off but that's all part of the process. You have nothing to lose. The usual advice applies here... join meet up groups, start volunteering, hit up your coworkers. Accept invitations. You might be perfect for a girl that likes to spend the majority of their free time with their boyfriend but for most established people it might be a little offputting or intimidating to be dating somebody who doesn't seem to have those ties: rightly or wrongly, they'll be wondering what's wrong with you. Good luck! 1
Mrlonelyone Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Depends on who their friends are. I have found you can judge a person by the company they keep. I have found that someone with one or two well chose friends, is better than someone with a number of poorly choosen friends. I have found that someone with a group of friends who are of varying backgrounds, or from many and varied social circles, is better for me than someone who's all about just one clique. If people would think of "having friends" in terms of those life long bonds then they will find they probably always have friends even if they aren't around. As for the need for "friends in the area". (people to hang out with a gang to run with.) That is most irrelevant. In the long run are you willing to risk having children with some dude or dudette because of who their friends of the moment are? "The one" who could last a good long time in your life could be a loner. Someone who while not a social butterfly with lots of friends, is a real great friend to their chosen few.
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