confidencestands Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Hello- New here but not new to forum life. I stumbled across this site when searching for "guy is uncertain in LDR" to get some feedback and insight on how to deal with this phenomenon that has now entered our 4 month relationship or whatever you call it as now he is uncertain about how he feels. Mostly due to the distance and the lack of opportunity to be around each other physically. Where there was sparks and a connection and hypothetical talk about the future, there is doubt and fear of the unknown and the future. Has anyone else experienced this in their LDR's and how did you get past it?
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 You get through it by focusing on the goal: When you can actually be together. If there is no realistic date for the end of your LDR, what's the point of being together? 2
TAV Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Yep, we've both been through that. Even as recent as January when my bf was feeling very down and could only see things in a negative light. You talk and get through it. And indeed, talk about your goals helps too. I also did not put him under pressure, gave him time to decide what he wanted. I cancelled the plans for visiting that I had for March and waited till he said he wanted to visit me again. However, I did make it clear to him that I want it 'all' and won't settle for some vague relationship that could lead to marriage or could not. That if that was the case the most we could be was friends and that this probably would lead to losing contact gradually since I would not invest so much of my time and resources in him as I do now. Not so much because I wanted to go out looking for anyone else but because my life is pretty full between my work, my kids and my friends and I now make time for him because I want to and enjoy that. I would not make so much time for my regular friends. So my advice is: decide for yourself what you want out of this relationship, what time table is doable for you (regarding being together) and then have a talk with him and try to be open and listen to what he has to say. If he is not ready for what you want then it's up to you what you decide to do with that. In my opinion he should be excited about you staying in his town for a whole month. If he does not feel like that he probably does not love you the same way back. Or not yet 1
Author confidencestands Posted April 3, 2014 Author Posted April 3, 2014 Yep, we've both been through that. Even as recent as January when my bf was feeling very down and could only see things in a negative light. You talk and get through it. And indeed, talk about your goals helps too. I also did not put him under pressure, gave him time to decide what he wanted. I cancelled the plans for visiting that I had for March and waited till he said he wanted to visit me again. However, I did make it clear to him that I want it 'all' and won't settle for some vague relationship that could lead to marriage or could not. That if that was the case the most we could be was friends and that this probably would lead to losing contact gradually since I would not invest so much of my time and resources in him as I do now. Not so much because I wanted to go out looking for anyone else but because my life is pretty full between my work, my kids and my friends and I now make time for him because I want to and enjoy that. I would not make so much time for my regular friends. So my advice is: decide for yourself what you want out of this relationship, what time table is doable for you (regarding being together) and then have a talk with him and try to be open and listen to what he has to say. If he is not ready for what you want then it's up to you what you decide to do with that. In my opinion he should be excited about you staying in his town for a whole month. If he does not feel like that he probably does not love you the same way back. Or not yet Very great advice! I guess I know what I have to do and that's pull away myself and focus on my life here. I'm hella busy myself and just for him to dismiss the time we have put into building up to spending time w/ each other feels like it has been a wash. Then again, the closer it gets, the more anxious he might be and having a mild freak out moment (this is me trying to justify and I need to stop it-lol). I just don't want to waste my time. I did tell him the other evening that I valued the time thus far and felt quite disappointed that he didn't feel the same and that if he doesn't feel the same then I am more than confident to leave him be in his own pessimistic realm. I got other things to fill my time up with. Grrrr. Anywho, I wouldn't say we are in love. We haven't had the "exclusivity" talk but have expressed to each other that we like each other and that if other people attempt to talk to us, we dismiss them. Now, this "we feel like friends" comment because of the distance is throwing me off. To much ping pong for me. I guess when I'm committed and loyal to something, I'm there all the way and if I'm having doubts, I talk about it openly rather than say something I might regret. I can't expect that from others though as we all are different. I have to teach him. Sigh. 1
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