How to deal with a very moody boyfriend?

[gemstone1]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8-9 months now, and he's a great guy. We're both 23 years old, but don't live together yet. So my boyfriend and I get along extremely well - he's understanding, affectionate, respectful, and basically everything I've looked for in a significant other. We're both very serious in this relationship. That said, my boyfriend has this tendency to get extremely moody 1-2 times a week. He'll blame his moodiness on work, university or something else and start behaving completely different. He won't be affectionate, he won't respond as much and just act weird over all. Every time this happens I feel like I've done something wrong - but he fails to tell me what's really bothering him. During this time I tend to distant myself because I can't keep chasing him around if he's showing no interest in speaking to me. However, when I distant myself he gets even more moody as he expects me to continue being affectionate, and normal despite how HE is behaving.

 

I just don't understand. He talks about how important communication is, and indeed he does communicate very well when he is NOT in this moody phase. It's just starting to drive me a little insane though. How is it fair for him to be moody all day, and then suddenly snap back to being normal, and expect me to continue being normal ALL the time? Of course, I get moody as well, but I never take it out on him this way. If I'm stressed about something that is NOT related to our relationship, I don't let it affect our relationship. I just don't know how to deal with this. If I give him space, he'll be mad that I'm not trying hard enough to cheer him up. In essence, he just wants to be smothered by me (even if he's being unresponsive) but HOW on earth do I keep smothering someone who's showing no interest back? That's just not my style. His father abandoned him and his mother when he was very young, so he's used to his mom going extra lengths to keep him happy, but I can't be his mother! I'd just like to stress that he's a great guy otherwise, which is why I havn't contemplated breaking up over something like this. I just want some insight on what others think. Thank you.

[Standard-Fare]

Since you say he's good at communicating when he's "non-moody," why don't you try catching him with this conversation topic when he's in a more positive or neutral mood? It's something you need to talk about.

 

You could let him know that you respect his need to go "moody" every once in a while, as long as he doesn't expect you to coddle that and cheer him up. Emphasize that you need to keep your distance when he gets like that, so you don't get dragged down yourself.

 

It sounds annoying, and like it could become a bigger issue. Definitely address it.

[preraph]

Maybe he means that he doesn't want your moods to put you in a bad mood, not so much that he wants you to lavish attention on his cranky ass. That would be more reasonable. But if he does mean the latter, no, do NOT reward bad behavior by being nice! Ignore, go find something else to do. Use that time to go have fun.

[sid3]

Next time he starts acting like a little bitch, I suggest you hand him one of your tampons. Sounds like he's needing one. Tell him to nut up or shut up. Unless of course you like girly men, in which case I'd say carry on.

[Michelle ma Belle]

We are all entitled to have our bad days where we're just miserable beings to be around but that doesn't give us the right to drag those we love down with us. Having a bad day is HIS problem NOT yours. If he really is as wonderful as you say he is 5 days out of the week then your only job as his dutiful and loving partner is to allow him the space to be get through it and love him regardless and that's it. You're not his mother nor should you have to act like it.

 

I think you need to have a very candid and honest conversation about how his mood swings and especially his expectations of you make YOU feel. There are two of you in this relationship after all. I would also caution you that having these major mood swings a couple of times per WEEK is considerable in my humble opinion and may be something to monitor as time goes on. He's young and his job/career and life in general are only going to get more challenging as time goes on. If he has a difficult time handling stress now, I can't even imagine how difficult he'll be to manage. How will you handle things then?

 

Something to seriously consider.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 1, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[shet]

Part of the work of maintaining a relationship is keeping a lid on bad mood. Soothing his troubled brow is one thing. Feeling like a villain twice a week because he bitches you out whether you're there or not is another thing. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to manage his on such a regular basis. Giving him space is the only thing to do, if he wants you there to comfort him or whatever he wants twice a week, buy him a bloody teddy bear.

[gemstone1]

We are all entitled to have our bad days where we're just miserable beings to be around but that doesn't give us the right to drag those we love down with us. Having a bad day is HIS problem NOT yours. If he really is as wonderful as you say he is 5 days out of the week then your only job as his dutiful and loving partner is to allow him the space to be get through it and love him regardless and that's it. You're not his mother nor should you have to act like it.

 

I think you need to have a very candid and honest conversation about how his mood swings and especially his expectations of you make YOU feel. There are two of you in this relationship after all. I would also caution you that having these major mood swings a couple of times per WEEK is considerable in my humble opinion and may be something to monitor as time goes on. He's young and his job/career and life in general are only going to get more challenging as time goes on. If he has a difficult time handling stress now, I can't even imagine how difficult he'll be to manage. How will you handle things then?

 

Something to seriously consider.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for the replies everyone. I have spoken to him about this issue before (in fact about a week ago) and he said he can't help being moody sometimes. That's just who he is. And all he needs is my affection and support to get him back in to the jist of things. I have tried providing emotional support, AND try to be as lovey-dovey as usual, but it's extremely difficult to be lovey-dovey if he isn't reciprocating. He's a very feminine guy in general - super sensitive, super jealous, emotional etc etc. So I suppose the mood swings are a part of it. But I'm a girl as well, and I know NOT to channel my mood swings onto our relationship (unlike him). I just don't know if this is something I can put up with the rest of my life at the cost of him being so "perfect" otherwise. His mood swings make me question our relationship - being affectionate doesn't help, and giving him space doesn't help either. I basically have to go through a crappy day along with him until his mood swing is over, and then act like nothing happened!

[gemstone1]

How do I allow someone their moods without feeling like I am being personally rejected? Or even decipher whether the negative behavior is actually a result of stress, or is being exerted towards me?

[Standard-Fare]

You should assume it's not personal. (And if his bad mood IS ever the result of something you did/said, he needs to be able to hash that out with you directly. And it's not your problem if he can't.)

 

Regardless, all of it is AFFECTING you personally, and we can all tell from what you've written that it's starting to get old.

 

I'd make it crystal clear to him that you have little tolerance for consistent nasty moods that soil your day as well. I'd also encourage him to find other outlets for his stress, like ... exercise. Kick-boxing. Taking a run. Whatever. Or even art, if he's that sort of guy... writing or painting or listening to music.

 

If you find that this is simply a steady and unchangeable aspect of his temperament, that he's unwilling to try to work on, then more drastic moves may be in order.

[soccerrprp]

I think we all are entitled to our bad days, moments, but when it affects us personally and brings us down, then it needs to be dealt with and firmly. He is NOT entitled to bring YOU DOWN b/c he's having a bad day, moment.

 

Since you've been together, he's been this way. Even after talking to him...he can't control who he is or is not making enough of an effort. Please note that even after bringing it to his attention, he continues. Worse, he then transfers his frustration onto you for not being more attentive. Thus, he is conscious of what he is doing, but, it seems to me, unwilling, at that very moment to correct his behavior.

 

There's only so much that you'll be able to take or SHOULD take if he's not going to change this. This may be a 1-2x per week thing now, but what happens if it's a most days of the week thing? Or worse.

[bluegreen]

Well you can do 3 things : Woman are from mars man from Venus is really good book that explains in detail how to deal with this issue and few others as well.

You can also be less sensitive yourself its NOT about you is who he IS.

And third you see this happen pat him on head and head out DO something for yourself book I mentioned also recommends that.

 

 

Once he gets over it he'l crawl back to you and if he is smart it will be with flowers and hugs

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank you for the replies everyone. I have spoken to him about this issue before (in fact about a week ago) and he said he can't help being moody sometimes. That's just who he is. And all he needs is my affection and support to get him back in to the jist of things. I have tried providing emotional support, AND try to be as lovey-dovey as usual, but it's extremely difficult to be lovey-dovey if he isn't reciprocating. He's a very feminine guy in general - super sensitive, super jealous, emotional etc etc. So I suppose the mood swings are a part of it. But I'm a girl as well, and I know NOT to channel my mood swings onto our relationship (unlike him). I just don't know if this is something I can put up with the rest of my life at the cost of him being so "perfect" otherwise. His mood swings make me question our relationship - being affectionate doesn't help, and giving him space doesn't help either. I basically have to go through a crappy day along with him until his mood swing is over, and then act like nothing happened!

 

No, you don't. As soon as his mood swing shows up, leave, tell him you need space. You don't have to be a partner in his whinefest. This is unfair to ask of a partner. He needs to learn to manage it like a grownup. You did say you are in college, right? He isn't a petulant child but a grown man. You are teaching him how to treat you, like a receptacle for his bad moods. There are some things couples shouldn't share and negative behavior is one of them. You will grow to resent him and feel drained by this.

No,

Grumps

[Ninjainpajamas]

There are kind of two sides to this coin;

 

Heads

 

Anything you do that accompanies his demands when he is having one of these moods/tantrums is simply enabling the behavior, which means he will continue to act out in that way that he does.

 

Tails

 

When he's having one of these moods it's when he needs you the most, that's when he needs you to "prove" your love and affection and essentially comfort him, he doesn't want you to "abandon" him then and there by walking away.

 

 

A lot of the things we do as adults are manifested from habits or dysfunctional circumstances we've experienced as children and therefore learned to cope with in immature ways.

 

It sounds like this is his way of seeking attention, but there is no right or wrong way for you to handle this...you'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't, sometimes he just wants to feel this anger/discomfort or whatever it is he's feeling but he might not even be able to tell where or what is causing it, that's what happens when you have a history of abuse/dysfunction.

 

You have to separate yourself from that situation, and he has to learn to take on the responsibility to learn to manage these moods and feelings. Tell him that he either needs to control those emotions and speak to you in a way that is respectful or take his own personal space and reflect on those emotions and deal with that period of moodiness then you'll be there for him afterwards.

 

You see the problem with people who have abandonment issues is they feel like you're going to walk away or disappear at any moment, but he needs to learn how to cope with that too, he can't control and try and hold you so close that he can't lose you, so he was to be willing to face his fears and overcome them.

 

This is something that will take time and you have to ask yourself if you are willing, patient and understanding enough to deal with all of this, it's not your responsibility and it's in your right not to like it and there's nothing you did to deserve it but be realistic, this is something that's going to take time to work through and he's got to really be interested in doing the work...otherwise I think your relationship is a good one for your age, this is normal stuff.

[Gaeta]

I cannot believe you have endured this for 9 months. How you deal with this? You don't, you leave the relationship. Being moody as often as he is is basically being moody full time. You think that is a good prospect for a life partner? How moody you think he will get when he is faced with real life stresses, mortgage to pay, stressful job, roof leaking, babies keeping him up in the middle of the night. The first 8-9 months of dating is suppose to be a honey moon phase and he's putting you through this, how do you think he will treat you in a year!

[Canucklehead]

Twice a week sounds like a bit manic to me. Perhaps this dude needs some counseling.....

[Els]

I think it's perfectly normal for most people who aren't swimming in cash (ie, they have to work/study/both) to have the occasional off-day. However, consistently being moody 1-2x/week is not in any way 'occasional', and IMO it would be completely reasonable for you to be unhappy with that. Bear in mind that I am in a LTR with someone who works 60-70 hour week, so I'm not talking from an outside perspective. 1-2x/month would sound more normal and bearable to me.

 

Rather than approaching this from a 'what can you do for him' perspective, perhaps approach it from a 'what can HE do about this' perspective. Is this a temporary phase that is likely to end soon? If not, he cannot possibly expect to maintain a LTR with what he is doing. Has he tried learning methods to cope with stress? Is he sleeping well and eating well? Could a visit to the doctor or a therapist be in order?

[Standard-Fare]

Another thought is, maybe you guys shouldn't be in each other's faces 24/7. Maybe you need 2-3 days a week where you're both alone and doing your own thing. (It sounds to me like you don't live together yet, though I could be wrong.)

 

For example, I'm someone who absolutely REQUIRES my alone time to keep sane. I need at least two days a week where I'm doing my own thing solo -- gym, binge-watching Netflix, what have you.

 

Maybe you can start giving your boyfriend that kind of space, and have it assumed that he can get all of his moodiness and frustrations out those nights, in whatever way he chooses. So he can be more "refreshed" and appreciative when he does spend time with you.