TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 So, one of the things I totally feel this board does - is creates 'games'. I commented earlier on another thread about it (sorta). Honestly, I'm reading too many posts about how many days you should wait to call someone after a date or texting patterns or 'wait for her to contact you' (or vice-versa). What happened to just being yourself and doing what feels right? I admit it. I'm here a lot for advice - actually, let me correct that. I'm here a lot to get an understanding of a woman's point of view or am I interpreting things right. I know to a degree I fell into this trap of getting past the insight I was looking for and over-thinking every response action I take. Ultimately, in each of those situations - I just decided to be me. Because, at the end of the day, that's who I am. I like to stay in touch with the person I enjoy spending time with. I'm smart enough to realize I don't want annoy her, so I back off a bit. While I've gotten lots of advice - going with my gut/heart has worked very well. Sometimes I've gone against the advice of 'not contacting' etc...but it all seems to work out. The point is that you need to be you. Anything else is just a game. The three day rule - seriously? When the woman starts saying, "he's on the three or four day rule."..what's the point? If you are interested..show interest. That doesn't mean professing love on date 1 - even if you are totally smitten. there are social norms too. But if you had a great date - text her on your ride home. Why wait 24 hours? If she likes you, she'll be excited to hear from you. If she doesn't like you, waiting 24 hours won't do anything. Oh, unless you are playing the hard-to-get game or absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow fonder doesn't have to be a game - unless it's done in the beginning of a relationship. If you are a player..then all this is BS. But guys (particularly) - be yourself. You might get shotdown, you might get lucky. But without the games they know how you feel and you can build something real. Get advice to have insight as to what they may be thinking. Certainly, advice on whether you are coming on too strong or not is helpful. But when it gets to the three day rule or let her chase you or whatever...I'd think hard about it. I may be wrong about this..but want to get a conversation going to see what folks think. 3
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Ahhh - good point. Games can be fun. I've been part of them too. But I don't think most of the folks here for the enjoyment of games. They've typically found something they like and are frustrated things may not be progressing how they like them too. I'm a perfect example. The last woman I was interested in..was fun and I could see us dating and maybe more. Games with her, were fine and interesting. But the current one, playing games is frustrating because I see something much more. You are right..games can be fun. I should have qualified. I just don't think folks here are looking for the games. Now, maybe their significant other is - but that just means they are on two different wave lengths anyway. 1
theediblewoman Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I completely agree! People are always saying they don't want to play games but so many do because they're afraid of truly putting yourself out there. I'd rather send out a "I had a great time" text after a date and be ignored then wait eagerly for 3 days to realize I won't be contacted. If I like someone I make it known in an appropriate way (ie I'm not going to write an epic sonnet about my love for them after 3 dates). If I'm interested but the other person is hot and cold,I ask them politely what's on their mind and if they don't seem interested (no effort put in) or still hot and cold then I don't waste my time! I always do what I feel and what is true to myself it always works out for the best, the times where I don't are the ones I feel screwed over.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I agree in that when people start to specify a certain amount of days to wait.. that's a little overboard. But the basic rules like say "don't keep texting them if they don't reply to you" is a good one to follow. But yeah. Best to keep it simple and let it flow organically. But there are some truly clueless people out there looking for advice and it seems some of 'em almost need step-by-step diagrams to follow bz they don't grasp the most basic of concepts lol 2
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Yes - I always text after the date...that evening, maybe the car ride home, if I had a good time. Why leave them wondering if I enjoyed it. I know the advice I'd get here, is wait to the next day so you don't seem desperate. What makes me desperate for following up right after the date? I think it's even a little respectful. Maybe 20 years ago a phone call the next day was ok. But in the age of social media and texting - it's almost like you are ignoring them if you don't say 'thanks' again. You are right - sonnets aren't good. You have to know social norms. lol
GemmaUK Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I agree with you also OP but when I have been true to myself and asked for a bit of space and me time I have been accused of playing games or messing a guy about. All I wanted was a bit of space to keep up with my own hobbies, see friends or whatever. There was nothing sinister in my request I just wanted space in my life for 'all' of the things I love including my man.
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Someone should put a dating 101 message together :-)
Author TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Gemma - THAT IS THE POINT I'M EXACTLY MAKING. You might be accused of games..but you aren't playing a game. You are being you. Rather than lying, being coy, or doing something you don't like. If I liked you and you were honest you liked me..I'd appreciate your space you need.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 So, one of the things I totally feel this board does - is creates 'games'. I commented earlier on another thread about it (sorta). Honestly, I'm reading too many posts about how many days you should wait to call someone after a date or texting patterns or 'wait for her to contact you' (or vice-versa). What happened to just being yourself and doing what feels right? I admit it. I'm here a lot for advice - actually, let me correct that. I'm here a lot to get an understanding of a woman's point of view or am I interpreting things right. I know to a degree I fell into this trap of getting past the insight I was looking for and over-thinking every response action I take. Ultimately, in each of those situations - I just decided to be me. Because, at the end of the day, that's who I am. I like to stay in touch with the person I enjoy spending time with. I'm smart enough to realize I don't want annoy her, so I back off a bit. While I've gotten lots of advice - going with my gut/heart has worked very well. Sometimes I've gone against the advice of 'not contacting' etc...but it all seems to work out. The point is that you need to be you. Anything else is just a game. The three day rule - seriously? When the woman starts saying, "he's on the three or four day rule."..what's the point? If you are interested..show interest. That doesn't mean professing love on date 1 - even if you are totally smitten. there are social norms too. But if you had a great date - text her on your ride home. Why wait 24 hours? If she likes you, she'll be excited to hear from you. If she doesn't like you, waiting 24 hours won't do anything. Oh, unless you are playing the hard-to-get game or absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absence makes the heart grow fonder doesn't have to be a game - unless it's done in the beginning of a relationship. If you are a player..then all this is BS. But guys (particularly) - be yourself. You might get shotdown, you might get lucky. But without the games they know how you feel and you can build something real. Get advice to have insight as to what they may be thinking. Certainly, advice on whether you are coming on too strong or not is helpful. But when it gets to the three day rule or let her chase you or whatever...I'd think hard about it. I may be wrong about this..but want to get a conversation going to see what folks think. Cheers to that one!! The only games that should be played are monopoly and strip poker
TXGuy Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 As much as I'd like to think I don't play games, I do have a set of dating guidelines I follow that I have developed over time. Some behaviors tend to produce better results than others, on average. I tend to stick with what has worked well in the past. I also choose to end my pursuit of women if I see certain things happening (or not happening) at certain points of dating. These are not set in stone rules, but more like guidelines that keep me from wasting time on relationships that have low probabilities of working out. Depending on the woman, the situation, or how I feel about it, I might bend these 'rules' or ignore them completely. But, I think most of us have developed some type of guidelines based on our earlier experiences.
GemmaUK Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Gemma - THAT IS THE POINT I'M EXACTLY MAKING. You might be accused of games..but you aren't playing a game. You are being you. Rather than lying, being coy, or doing something you don't like. If I liked you and you were honest you liked me..I'd appreciate your space you need. Someone gets me!!!! That would be bliss for me! I know I don't know you..but I love you! 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Surely the best way to eliminate games is we all join Adult friend finder. 1
soccerrprp Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 ...when I have been true to myself and asked for a bit of space and me time...All I wanted was a bit of space to keep up with my own hobbies, see friends or whatever. There was nothing sinister in my request I just wanted space in my life for 'all' of the things I love including my man. I don't think this is unreasonable. This is a problem of needs and expectations. Especially early in a relationship, you asking for less time instead of more time to get to know someone is suspect. The other person invariably wonders whether you are serious or not. Why would you want "space", "time for yourself" so early in a relationship or during important time of a relationship when you are trying to get to know MORE about someone? It may not be a game to you, but it does pose a dilemma for the person who wants to spend more time with you to get to know you. Also, this is clearly a compatibility issue, no? No necessarily games, but try to see it through the eyes of the person who is serious about a LTR and wants to spend more time with you to get to know MORE of you.
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 surely the best way to eliminate games is we all join adult friend finder. loooooooool!!!!
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 The contradictions are amazing too... "be yourself, tell him how u feel if he doesnt like u then forget him" then "ignore him! u will just stroke his ego!".. what I really hate is how everyone that ever dumped someone is the devil and must be ignored.. I cant help but wonder if more damage is done through that... Im all up for constructive advice, I know I need it from time to time and def need to hear it but its gone well OTT on here x 1
Catwoman13 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 The thing people forget is - life is a game. It should be played wisely and with a sense of fun. Most people are playing a game already, it's just they don't know it, because it's their personal habit of a lifetime. So why not become conscious of what game you are playing, and if it doesn't suit you, play a more fun game? I'm not talking about playing with someone else's feelings, or trying to manipulate situations or people. Just play [life] to your advantage. In dating situations, or in any situation where you are building a new friendship/relationship, the reason it is provident to not always be available *whenever* is to pace yourself so that you allow enough time to find out if that person is really the kind of person you want to be available for. Say for instance you are available right away all the time, then suddenly you learn more about a person and you don't find them so agreeable and you actually want to create distance? Now you have the added pressure of having to extract yourself from what to that point seemed to be quite a regular pattern of communication, and you will feel bad because you will worry about hurting the other person. If you paced yourself with some sense of timing from the start, you would have allowed yourself the space to find this out beforehand. It should not be used to "make the other person want you more" and people who do that are being manipulative. The point is to play a proactive game that isn't dependent on the reaction of others, but that stems purely from your own sense of identity. Use your interplay with others to discover what your game is if you don't already know, and when you've found out, you can decide if the rules you are playing life by suit you or not. So many times I hear people saying they don't like to play games, but usually it's people who are suffering some form of bad luck in dating - but they don't see - their game is the "victim" or "wilfully naive" - they keep hoping that someone else will play to their rules. Instead, why not take control of the situation and play differently next time? People who say they don't like playing games usually say it because whatever game they are playing is not working for them no matter how they try. As long as you approach everything with fun and enthusiasm there is no need for shady tactics. Be yourself, yes, but be aware that you, just like everybody else, has an agenda. Just don't let that decide how you behave. I am certain that if we all played less to our insecurities or issues we'd probably all be able to have much stronger and fun relations with all other humans. Most the time people don't know how to keep it real enough to do this. That's the problem. We're all afraid to be ourselves, the irony is it's that fear that keeps us playing the stupid game. If we were braver we'd be all the things we wanted to be in the moment it counts. That's the game I want to play!
deathandtaxes Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 **** the games. **** the bull****. If I can't be honest with somebody, then I don't want to be with that somebody. I'm too old for all this push/pull crapola. You work. Or you don't. Game playing to me means that the person is just screwing with you and can't make up their mind.
preraph Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 "What happened to just being yourself and doing what feels right?" Nothing if the way you are is balanced with good common sense instead of desperate and giving too much too soon or smothering or, the flipside, you'd like to spend a month hunting for more beautiful dates before you make that commitment to even CALL one back. There's rules of engagement because people aren't perfect. They tend to just be the minimum acceptable standard of what is acceptable, so it wouldn't hurt to just have that conversation with yourself if your actions are way off from that.
GemmaUK Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I don't think this is unreasonable. This is a problem of needs and expectations. Especially early in a relationship, you asking for less time instead of more time to get to know someone is suspect. The other person invariably wonders whether you are serious or not. Why would you want "space", "time for yourself" so early in a relationship or during important time of a relationship when you are trying to get to know MORE about someone? It may not be a game to you, but it does pose a dilemma for the person who wants to spend more time with you to get to know you. Also, this is clearly a compatibility issue, no? No necessarily games, but try to see it through the eyes of the person who is serious about a LTR and wants to spend more time with you to get to know MORE of you. I agree, so I offer to meet in the middle. The result is they only listen to their own needs and very quickly forget about mine. The problem seems to be (with men I have met) that their insecurity defines them.
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