How do I convince myself that my ex is dead?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for sharing your story Simon Phoenix. You actually had the second chance meet, but it just didn't work. Though it seems like it went bad because of how she was behaving. Which there is nothing you could have done.

 

Well, yeah, she was acting weird as hell. But the odds of your ex acting weird as hell in this hypothetical would be high, which was my point.

 

I don't really agree. If I ever have this fantasy meet, where she contacts me out of the blue, (fat chance) I now know better than to talk about the past and what bad things happened.

 

I didn't talk about the past at all, but she could sense my desperation, just like I could sense her confusion and apprehension. Your ex would sniff out your motives from a mile away.

 

She was my first GF and it was my first breakup. I didn't know how to handle it. I was just reacting like a teenager would.

 

You don't get a "get out of jail free" card for that.

 

Don't do what?

 

I'm not going to contact her. All I'm saying is that I wish I could have had a face to face with her. And that I should have pushed for it, a month or so after the breakup. Now it's far too late, and I'm sure she's already dating someone else.

 

No you shouldn't have. It would have been a disaster. You still seem to be under the impression that you could (or even should) manipulate a result. Honestly, you confronting her face to face in the immediate aftermath would have been a catastrophe. It would be a bad idea now, and you are in a better place now than you were then.

 

You just have to let No Contact do its thing. You are two months out (doesn't matter when you broke up, you delayed the recovery by continuing to pursue for 3-4 months), and the two-month mark sucks because that's when you full realize that "oh s--t, this is for real". But a month from now (or shorter) you'll be past that, and it gets a hell of a lot better from that point on. But yeah, you are in the second-toughest stage of NC right now.

 

Edit: You are one month out I guess, which means this initial feeling will pass but might pick up momentum again in a month or two. But if you ride it out, you'll come off better on the other end. And dating other people won't necessarily help -- I went on a dating/hookup streak right after the break and it just made me miss her more. You need to be comfortable with yourself (which I won't expound on because you've been given that advice ad nauseum on this site) to really progress from this.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[organizedchaos]

I have a hard time seeing how you could keep it fun and light with her. Odds are that it would turn into the mess that your text/e-mail interactions have been because you are still focused on what was instead of trying to figure out what will be. You are not in the state where you can woo this woman, and she's not in the state where she'd be remotely receptive to your wooing.

 

I had the same thoughts you are having about the ex that brought me here when I saw her six weeks after the break. It was part of a weekend with her, her sister, her sister's husband (my best friend) and I. I figured that all I had to do was be the dude who she couldn't get enough of and that'd be that. That feeling was reinforced when she seemed happy talking to me the week before it went down (she even invited me to a group event that I couldn't attend). I was feeling pretty confident that I just had to throw up some charm and humor and I'd be back in.

 

However, it didn't go that way at all. She was cold and standoffish much of the time and I was trying so hard to be my affable, charming best that I came off as disingenuous as well. There'd be occasional sparks of what was, but there was just too much awkwardness and discomfort from both sides to make it work.

 

My thoughts of "all I need to woo her back is to be in her presence" were a delusion, and there was less negative baggage with my situation than there is with yours. Even in my panic "I gotta get her back" stage right after the break I wasn't textbombing or calling her and I gave her several weeks of space before the meet up. I definitely wasn't annoying her or causing her to lash back the way she did at you from your contact attempts.

 

So yeah, your vision of "I can get her back" is foolhardy and delusional. I'm not saying this to be mean, but to let you know where you actually stand, which is nowhere. Your mind is trying to trick you into making even more of an ass out of yourself than you already have. Don't do it. It's time for you to move forward and stop looking back at the car crash.

 

I did this too with my ex. 3 1/2 months post bu. We met for lunch. Didn't talk at all about the past. Was fun, light hearted, and just talked like old times. Didn't ask for a date at the end, didn't kiss her either. A week later I asked her out on a date and she said no.

 

Doesn't matter how "fun" you think it'll be. Or that you won't bring up the past. It's not like it was when she first fell for you, when she didn't know you. Her mind is made up, just like my ex's. You can't manipulate it. It's all on her. And she's made it clear she wants nothing to do with you.

[Els]

The way you are feeling is normal. First breakups are usually very, very hard.

 

As others said, you need to resist the urge, because if you give in it just sets you back to square one again. Throw yourself into something else that distracts you. Preferably something productive.

[somedude81]

You're basically asking for cognitive behaviour therapy techniques, which a therapist could teach you, far better than us armchair psychologists.

I actually tried CBT a while ago to get over my depression. Unfortunately it didn't help.

 

I think I was trying to trick myself that I could be happy without a woman or that women liked me. I don't really remember.

 

Therapy is a funny thing. In my experience it helped a little bit, simply because I had somebody to talk to. Though nothing about my life changed.

[pickflicker]

I actually tried CBT a while ago to get over my depression. Unfortunately it didn't help.

 

I think I was trying to trick myself that I could be happy without a woman or that women liked me. I don't really remember.

 

Therapy is a funny thing. In my experience it helped a little bit, simply because I had somebody to talk to. Though nothing about my life changed.

 

Therapy isn't supposed to change your life, it's supposed to change your attitude and approach to how you deal with adversity. You're going to need some coping strategies, some goals beyond a girlfriend, and, as many others have mentioned, friends (aka a support network) for the hard times.

 

One person can't be the source of all that. It's got to be spread around.

[Simon Phoenix]

I did this too with my ex. 3 1/2 months post bu. We met for lunch. Didn't talk at all about the past. Was fun, light hearted, and just talked like old times. Didn't ask for a date at the end, didn't kiss her either. A week later I asked her out on a date and she said no.

 

Doesn't matter how "fun" you think it'll be. Or that you won't bring up the past. It's not like it was when she first fell for you, when she didn't know you. Her mind is made up, just like my ex's. You can't manipulate it. It's all on her. And she's made it clear she wants nothing to do with you.

 

Yep, they are unreliable. After I had healed (about 5.5 months NC) we started talking again over text sporadically for a couple months, and I had even heard through her brother-in-law that she was open to seeing me. So I asked her to lunch a couple weeks later, which turned into a sloppy display of conflicting emotions, starting with her saying she missed me and wanted to see me but at the same time emoting about why we broke up in the first place (something that would have been appropriate when we broke up, not nearly a year after the fact) and that she didn't want to go down that road again. I'm just sitting back reading all this thinking "WTF?! It's lunch." because she was in an emotive stage that I passed months before. Kind of weirded me out.

 

After explaining my point of view (per her request) I told her that I had no interest in rehashing or reliving what happened, that I was moving forward and that if she wanted to as well, cool, if not, oh well. I've barely talked to her since (some sparing Facebook interaction) and we texted a bit Sunday (her school beat my school in the NCAA men's basketball tournament). That interaction was probably the best in a year-and-a-half, as we were both friendly and joking to each other. That being said, I don't plan on following up that conversation.

[somedude81]

I understand why you're placing so much weight on it, I'm saying it's not proportionate. If you keep up this behaviour pattern, one day you will wake up and you'll be 40, and going through the same crap. Then 50, then 60, then it's game over, and your life as a dater is finito.

One occurrence is not a pattern.

 

I have no idea how I'll react if I'm dumped by another GF somewhere down the line.

 

And I do feel it is proportionate, not based on how long I was with her, but how long I've been waiting her. She was basically the personification of all my hopes and dreams. My expectations for her were extremely high, and when she dumped me, everything shattered. My reality broke.

 

At this point, I can't say how invested I'll be with the next girl.

 

You should look at your ex as a glimpse of the possibilities that exist,

I completely agree with you. She is only the start. I just need to make sure I have a second GF somewhere down the line.

 

Most people go through their first real heartbreak before they're 20, not at 31. You've missed out on 10 years or so of real life dating experiences. This is why it feels like the end of the world to you.

Again I agree with you. I missed out on 10 years or more. Which is one reason why I hate the fact that my relationship was so short. I've felt like I've basically been waiting forever to get a GF and I FINALLY do, then she's taken away far too soon. It was just enough for me to be happy and relax and be comfortable about my relationship. I can't express how much I feel cheated and that I wish I got to be with her for longer.

[BC1980]

There will be others you can invest in even though you don't see it now. I wanted to marry my first boyfriend, which was when I was 19. He was my first love, and it took me a year of NC to get over him. I really cried over that guy and was just crazy about him. As big as deal as it was at the time, I rarely think of him today and only with fond memories.

 

I've had three relationships since then, including the most recent catastrophe, which brought me here. You have got to put your relationship in perspective to your life. You will never move on if you are unable to do that. NC does that so very well and has always been the key to getting over relationships for me. With my first 3 relationships, I went NC immediately and got over them pretty quickly. With my recent relationship, I waited months to go NC and became weak and pitiful, wanting a second chance. That's why I'm still struggling with this breakup at almost a year.

[Itspointless]

As long as she refuses to have any contact with me, I don't give a damn about her. Meaning, I don't have any respect for her.

 

Of course that would not be the case if she took me back.

Have you considered you might have trouble not thinking about her because of your pride? She did what your ego (in the freudian sense) finds incomprehensible. She rejected me, me! How on earth can respect be earned by taking you back? Think a bit about it for a little while.

 

Respect: [MASS NOUN] A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

[JDPT]

You are the point where you need to experiment with healthy ways to cope with this temporary issue. I always rerouted my thoughts when I was inadvertently attacked by the past and what could have been. I've learned to listen to my subconscious, 99% you will know exactly what to do to propel yourself forward. One thing is for sure, you will come out of this a new and improved you. BUT only if you proactively contribute towards healing on a daily basis.

[somedude81]

Not sure how I didn't realize this until now.

 

I don't want to get over my ex. I don't want to believe that there is no hope.

 

Some stupid little voice is telling me that she's the one.

 

Gah, I'm retarded

 

Yes I'm still no contact.

 

My life was so much better with her in it, and I think I don't want to accept the reality I have to live with now.

 

I really need to replace her, and quickly.

[pickflicker]

Not sure how I didn't realize this until now.

 

I don't want to get over my ex. I don't want to believe that there is no hope.

 

Some stupid little voice is telling me that she's the one.

 

Gah, I'm retarded

 

Yes I'm still no contact.

 

My life was so much better with her in it, and I think I don't want to accept the reality I have to live with now.

 

I really need to replace her, and quickly.

 

She's hardly special is she can be replaced. You're more filling a void.

 

What if the next relationship doesn't work out? It's highly probable, most of us date several people before we find a good fit.

 

What is your plan to deal with rejection should it happen again? What kind of support Newtown do you have?

[KathyM]

She was basically the personification of all my hopes and dreams. My expectations for her were extremely high, and when she dumped me, everything shattered. My reality broke.

What you said above is very telling. All of your hopes and dreams were pinned on her. All of your meaning in life was placed on her. Then when she left you, there was nothing left. You've made a girlfriend THE only important thing in your life and THE thing that gives meaning to your life. People who do that set themselves up for a huge depression when they no longer have that person in their life. It's not healthy to feel that way. She can't be the only thing that gives your life meaning. You must find other things that give your life meaning, other things that you have a passion for, other goals to have other than a girlfriend. A partner is only supposed to be one part of a healthy life, not everything in your life. You need to find other things that you have a passion for. Other people, friends, etc., that are important to you and that you can find enjoyment in being with. Other goals that you work towards that are important to you. A woman cannot be your whole life. As others have suggested to you in the past, you need to work on these other areas of your life. Other areas that give your life meaning, enjoyment and satisfaction.

[pickflicker]

Excuse my phone's spelling...stupid thing.

 

What kind of support network do you have to fall back on?

[somedude81]

She's hardly special is she can be replaced. You're more filling a void.

 

What if the next relationship doesn't work out? It's highly probable, most of us date several people before we find a good fit.

 

What is your plan to deal with rejection should it happen again?

I'm hoping she can be replaced.

 

Frankly, I'd marry her now if I could. Yes I realize how stupid and naive that sounds.

 

Somehow I need to try and fill the void that she left.

 

She was almost a perfect fit to everything I knew I needed, and even stuff I didn't know.

 

If my next relationship fails like this one, then I hope that it won't hit me as hard. I'm not sure why, but I feel like the next girl won't be as special to me. That she will just be someone to fill my ex's shoes. I know that's absolutely not fair to the next girl. I just hope that when I'm with somebody else, my feelings for my ex will die, and I can focus on the new girl.

[pickflicker]

I'm hoping she can be replaced.

 

Frankly, I'd marry her now if I could. Yes I realize how stupid and naive that sounds.

 

Somehow I need to try and fill the void that she left.

 

She was almost a perfect fit to everything I knew I needed, and even stuff I didn't know.

 

If my next relationship fails like this one, then I hope that it won't hit me as hard. I'm not sure why, but I feel like the next girl won't be as special to me. That she will just be someone to fill my ex's shoes. I know that's absolutely not fair to the next girl. I just hope that when I'm with somebody else, my feelings for my ex will die, and I can focus on the new girl.

 

That line of thinking will not bode well for relationship longevity. You risk being trappednin an unhappy relationship. And I know I've said this before, but if you think being single is lonely, try being in an unhappy relationship - the loneliness is a hundred times worse.

[Omei]

 

Frankly, the reason I think I still have a chance is because we have not seen each other at all since the day she dumped me. I believe that if she were willing to meet face to face, I could win her back.

 

Re-read your post you start off with the realization she doesn't want to speak to you, she's blocked you, she won't reply, she's gone.

 

Then for some reason in your post some switch self brainwash hits that you have some sort of a chance after listing all the reasons you don't you forgot what you stated in the same minute you finished the post

 

Btw finding a girl isn't going to make things better for you right now you're obsessed with finding a girl to fix things you need to learn how to deal with being alone...

 

What girl wants to date a guy that's obsessed with his ex gf?

Edited April 5, 2014 by Omei

[somedude81]

Re-read your post you start off with the realization she doesn't want to speak to you, she's blocked you, she won't reply, she's gone.

 

Then for some reason in your post some switch self brainwash hits that you have some sort of a chance after listing all the reasons you don't you forgot what you stated in the same minute you finished the post

Yeah I know it makes no sense.

 

It's absolutely clear to me that she does not want anything to do with me. Yet in the same thought, I believe that if I could get her to see me, we can start over.

 

Basically I'm completely frustrated that she wasn't willing to give me a second chance or see me at all in person since she dumped me. It's almost as if she dumped me and then moved to Italy. But that's not the case at all. She's only 50 minutes away.

 

I'm also even more frustrated because the only reason things got so bad was because we were only talking through email and text post breakup. I let myself get too heated and I simply wouldn't have done that if we were talking in person. That pisses me off so much. I just never had a chance!

 

Why did she have to become such a bitch?!!?!?!?!

 

Of course I also screwed up by not leaving her alone. Yes I bugged her too much, but I could have done a whole lot worse.

 

Either way, all I learned was how not to beat a dead horse.

Btw finding a girl isn't going to make things better for you right now you're obsessed with finding a girl to fix things you need to learn how to deal with being alone...

Considering I've only been in a relationship for six months. I've been alone for 99% of my life. I hate it! I'm sick of being alone! Life is so much better with a GF.

What girl wants to date a guy that's obsessed with his ex gf?

Nobody. I know that very well.

 

I'm going to have to do all I possibly can to show that I'm completely over my ex, even though I'm not. The most important step with that is to talk about her as little as possible. Hopefully I won't have to talk about her at all. If I do, I'll be very brief and careful with what I say.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why would you have to talk about her at all? What is there to talk about? You dated, it was fun while it lasted, you broke up, end of story. I don't see any reason why you'd talk about her to a new girl.

[Tressugar]

Write the words restraining order on a few pieces of paper and see if that helps ya.

[pickflicker]

Yeah I know it makes no sense.

 

It's absolutely clear to me that she does not want anything to do with me. Yet in the same thought, I believe that if I could get her to see me, we can start over.

 

Basically I'm completely frustrated that she wasn't willing to give me a second chance or see me at all in person since she dumped me. It's almost as if she dumped me and then moved to Italy. But that's not the case at all. She's only 50 minutes away.

 

I'm also even more frustrated because the only reason things got so bad was because we were only talking through email and text post breakup. I let myself get too heated and I simply wouldn't have done that if we were talking in person. That pisses me off so much. I just never had a chance!

 

Why did she have to become such a bitch?!!?!?!?!

 

Of course I also screwed up by not leaving her alone. Yes I bugged her too much, but I could have done a whole lot worse.

 

Either way, all I learned was how not to beat a dead horse.

 

Considering I've only been in a relationship for six months. I've been alone for 99% of my life. I hate it! I'm sick of being alone! Life is so much better with a GF.

 

Nobody. I know that very well.

 

I'm going to have to do all I possibly can to show that I'm completely over my ex, even though I'm not. The most important step with that is to talk about her as little as possible. Hopefully I won't have to talk about her at all. If I do, I'll be very brief and careful with what I say.

 

Oh my...

 

You really are your own worst enemy, SD. What makes you think that a relationship can possibly last if you don't fix the issues that broke up the last one?

[somedude81]

Why would you have to talk about her at all? What is there to talk about? You dated, it was fun while it lasted, you broke up, end of story. I don't see any reason why you'd talk about her to a new girl.

Hopefully I won't have to talk about her at all. Though there is always a chance a new girl will ask about my relationship history. I would pretty much just say what you wrote.

Oh my...

 

You really are your own worst enemy, SD. What makes you think that a relationship can possibly last if you don't fix the issues that broke up the last one?

What are the issues that you think broke up my relationship? I've given my view of what happened many times.

 

I really wish she and I shared a mutual female friend so I could hear from somebody who actually knows her why the relationship ended and why there was no second chance.

[pickflicker]

Hopefully I won't have to talk about her at all. Though there is always a chance a new girl will ask about my relationship history. I would pretty much just say what you wrote.

 

What are the issues that you think broke up my relationship? I've given my view of what happened many times.

 

I really wish she and I shared a mutual female friend so I could hear from somebody who actually knows her why the relationship ended and why there was no second chance.

 

The issue is that you are incapable of being alone. She could see that. And now you're about to drag the same issue into the next one.

 

I've told you before, women can see thing like this and it makes them run a mile. I mean, you're willing to marry your ex even though she doesn't want you. The inability to make some sorry if life without a girlfriend well be an ongoing issue, if you don't get a handle on it.

[somedude81]

The issue is that you are incapable of being alone. She could see that. And now you're about to drag the same issue into the next one.

 

I've told you before, women can see thing like this and it makes them run a mile.

No, I strongly believe that you are wrong about her leaving me because she believed that I'm incapable of being alone.

 

I gave her plenty of time to herself. We only saw each other two to three days a week. We did not communicate that much when we weren't together, though she initiated texting for an hour or so every night. I was almost always the one to say goodnight.

 

Me being needy, which I wasn't, was not a factor in the breakup.

 

As I've said plenty of times, the relationship failed because of her. Of course there are some things I can do differently next time, but being less needy isn't one of them.

 

I mean, you're willing to marry your ex even though she doesn't want you. The inability to make some sorry if life without a girlfriend well be an ongoing issue, if you don't get a handle on it.

Sigh.

 

Do I really have to explain it?

 

If my ex did want me, and if she did love me, I would marry her now.

 

I'm not going to propose to my ex when she's not even talking to me

 

I don't know what you're last sentence is supposed to mean. I'm assuming it's more phone troubles.

[organizedchaos]

Hopefully I won't have to talk about her at all. Though there is always a chance a new girl will ask about my relationship history. I would pretty much just say what you wrote.

 

What are the issues that you think broke up my relationship? I've given my view of what happened many times.

 

I really wish she and I shared a mutual female friend so I could hear from somebody who actually knows her why the relationship ended and why there was no second chance.

 

Second chances aren't guaranteed by law. Some people get them, some don't. No one is required to do anything post breakup. As much as it sucks, you have to accept it.