Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I'm curious, what would you say to her that you think would change things? I wouldn't specifically say anything. We'd just catch up. Have fun, and she'd fall for me again. Assuming she's ready to be emotionally available, I know I can keep the relationship going. I've learned a lot since she ended it. I just wish I knew how I can get her to see me.
organizedchaos Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 No I haven't. I've been very respectful of her wishes and have not tried to see her in person. I deeply regret not going to her place early after she dumped me. My mom lives 5 minutes from my ex, and whenever I go visit my mom, it takes everything I have to not drop by my exes place. I still feel that if I could get 30 minutes alone with her, we can work everything out. The fact that she's never been willing to meet is what's keeping the thought in my head. The fact that she's never been willing to meet should tell you she doesn't want to work things out and never did. Read the last email she sent to you. It's over. It's been over for nearly the length of the entire relationship.
Zahara Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 We'd just catch up. Have fun, and she'd fall for me again. Assuming she's ready to be emotionally available, I know I can keep the relationship going. I've learned a lot since she ended it. I just wish I knew how I can get her to see me. You're running wild on fantasy and assumptions. Stay in touch with reality. 1
organizedchaos Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 These three sentences say a lot about where you are, and what you need to do. You need a full life, so that you have things to focus on other than woman troubles. You need to DO things to create that full life. You are stuck because you remain hyperfocused on women, and neglect to do the things that will ultimately help you create a future. It's time to stop dwelling on her. It's your comfort zone; even though it's painful, it's also rewarding. It's indulgent. It's time to be disciplined with your thoughts and your time, and do the things you need to get done. Throw that energy into math, or working out, or learning a new language, or ANYTHING else, especially things that get you interacting with people. It's time for him to stop dwelling on finding a gf as the sole happiness in his life. See what happens when that fails, OP? This is what happens when you rely on another person as your sole happiness in life. You are devasated when they're gone. You can't focus on anything else because you have nothing else. You can't rely on friends to help you through this and distract you because you have no friends and see no value in friends. You're going through it now. Yet you want to repeat this process again. And where will you be when that one ends? Right back to where you are now.
organizedchaos Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I wouldn't specifically say anything. We'd just catch up. Have fun, and she'd fall for me again. Assuming she's ready to be emotionally available, I know I can keep the relationship going. I've learned a lot since she ended it. I just wish I knew how I can get her to see me. That's not how it works.
xxoo Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I wouldn't specifically say anything. We'd just catch up. Have fun, and she'd fall for me again. Assuming she's ready to be emotionally available, I know I can keep the relationship going. I've learned a lot since she ended it. I just wish I knew how I can get her to see me. That's completely unrealistic fantasy. And it has nothing to do with her emotional availability. She gave it a chance, and it fizzled. Women don't go back for more when the desire is gone. 1
Anela Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I wouldn't specifically say anything. We'd just catch up. Have fun, and she'd fall for me again. Assuming she's ready to be emotionally available, I know I can keep the relationship going. I've learned a lot since she ended it. I just wish I knew how I can get her to see me. But it wasn't all her, and who's to say that she wasn't emotionally available at first?
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 You're running wild on fantasy and assumptions. Stay in touch with reality. Yes I know it's just a fantasy. So somehow I have to make myself no longer want her back. That if even she did contact me wanting to try again, I would say no.
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 But it wasn't all her, and who's to say that she wasn't emotionally available at first? Just about every female I talked to about my breakup. She basically said the same thing during the breakup talk that I liked her so much, and she wasn't able to like me as much and that made her feel guilty. She also said that our timing wasn't right and she realized she needed more time to be single. She even gave me the cliche "it's not you, it's me" and even said that it's so cliche to say it, but she really meant it. All of those things tell me that the issue was her, and she just needed a few months to herself, then we can try again.
Grumpybutfun Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Somedude, how are you going to find that perfect woman if you are still living in the past? You can't focus on your future, emotionally and mentally if you are still obsessing about a woman who told you to never contact her again. You are wasting your time and your energy lighting a firecracker that has already been blown. She is done with you, accept the facts and move on before you wake up one morning wondering where your youth went while you focused on your past. You have the ability to train your mind to stop replaying those images in your head...you just have to want it bad enough. Try some habit training techniques....there are books on this stuff...but stop glorifying a woman who didn't want you. She dumped you, so get the best revenge by living a fantastic life without her being the focus of it. Good luck, Grumps
Simon Phoenix Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I wouldn't specifically say anything. We'd just catch up. Have fun, and she'd fall for me again. Assuming she's ready to be emotionally available, I know I can keep the relationship going. I've learned a lot since she ended it. I just wish I knew how I can get her to see me. I have a hard time seeing how you could keep it fun and light with her. Odds are that it would turn into the mess that your text/e-mail interactions have been because you are still focused on what was instead of trying to figure out what will be. You are not in the state where you can woo this woman, and she's not in the state where she'd be remotely receptive to your wooing. I had the same thoughts you are having about the ex that brought me here when I saw her six weeks after the break. It was part of a weekend with her, her sister, her sister's husband (my best friend) and I. I figured that all I had to do was be the dude who she couldn't get enough of and that'd be that. That feeling was reinforced when she seemed happy talking to me the week before it went down (she even invited me to a group event that I couldn't attend). I was feeling pretty confident that I just had to throw up some charm and humor and I'd be back in. However, it didn't go that way at all. She was cold and standoffish much of the time and I was trying so hard to be my affable, charming best that I came off as disingenuous as well. There'd be occasional sparks of what was, but there was just too much awkwardness and discomfort from both sides to make it work. My thoughts of "all I need to woo her back is to be in her presence" were a delusion, and there was less negative baggage with my situation than there is with yours. Even in my panic "I gotta get her back" stage right after the break I wasn't textbombing or calling her and I gave her several weeks of space before the meet up. I definitely wasn't annoying her or causing her to lash back the way she did at you from your contact attempts. So yeah, your vision of "I can get her back" is foolhardy and delusional. I'm not saying this to be mean, but to let you know where you actually stand, which is nowhere. Your mind is trying to trick you into making even more of an ass out of yourself than you already have. Don't do it. It's time for you to move forward and stop looking back at the car crash. 1
Anela Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Just about every female I talked to about my breakup. She basically said the same thing during the breakup talk that I liked her so much, and she wasn't able to like me as much and that made her feel guilty. She also said that our timing wasn't right and she realized she needed more time to be single. She even gave me the cliche "it's not you, it's me" and even said that it's so cliche to say it, but she really meant it. All of those things tell me that the issue was her, and she just needed a few months to herself, then we can try again. She wasn't happy, and the fact that she said she wasn't single long enough could mean that she realized you were a rebound. I'm sorry, but you need to let go of the idea that she will happily come back to you. There are other women out there.
Haydn Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 She does not want you. She does not need you. She does not like you. What could she piossibly do for you? Is that enough? 2
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Thanks for sharing your story Simon Phoenix. You actually had the second chance meet, but it just didn't work. Though it seems like it went bad because of how she was behaving. Which there is nothing you could have done. I have a hard time seeing how you could keep it fun and light with her. Odds are that it would turn into the mess that your text/e-mail interactions have been because you are still focused on what was instead of trying to figure out what will be. I don't really agree. If I ever have this fantasy meet, where she contacts me out of the blue, (fat chance) I now know better than to talk about the past and what bad things happened. My thoughts of "all I need to woo her back is to be in her presence" were a delusion, and there was less negative baggage with my situation than there is with yours. Even in my panic "I gotta get her back" stage right after the break I wasn't textbombing or calling her and I gave her several weeks of space before the meet up. I definitely wasn't annoying her or causing her to lash back the way she did at you from your contact attempts. She was my first GF and it was my first breakup. I didn't know how to handle it. I was just reacting like a teenager would. Your mind is trying to trick you into making even more of an ass out of yourself than you already have. Don't do it. Don't do what? I'm not going to contact her. All I'm saying is that I wish I could have had a face to face with her. And that I should have pushed for it, a month or so after the breakup. Now it's far too late, and I'm sure she's already dating someone else.
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 She wasn't happy, and the fact that she said she wasn't single long enough could mean that she realized you were a rebound. I'm sorry, but you need to let go of the idea that she will happily come back to you. There are other women out there. She said I wasn't a rebound, but maybe I actually was. Still probably not. More specifically, she monkey branched to me. She dumped her current BF to date me. But it turns out that she didn't realize how that would affect her several months down the line. She basically went, "Oops. He really likes me and I'm just not capable of liking him as much. I feel guilty about that. I'm going to break up with him."
pickflicker Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You really need to experience at least 90 days complete NC. They say it takes 12 weeks to change a habit, which means you're still only just over a month into recovery. 90 days NC first. Make that the number one goal. The "she's dead" business can wait. 1
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Somedude, how are you going to find that perfect woman if you are still living in the past? You can't focus on your future, emotionally and mentally if you are still obsessing about a woman who told you to never contact her again. You are wasting your time and your energy lighting a firecracker that has already been blown. She is done with you, accept the facts and move on before you wake up one morning wondering where your youth went while you focused on your past. You have the ability to train your mind to stop replaying those images in your head...you just have to want it bad enough. Try some habit training techniques....there are books on this stuff...but stop glorifying a woman who didn't want you. She dumped you, so get the best revenge by living a fantastic life without her being the focus of it. Good luck, Grumps Finding the perfect woman may be the only thing to get me to stop obsessing over her. As I said before, somehow I have to get myself to a place where I no longer want her back. I am trying to go after other women, and I've expressed interest in two women last week. Hopefully, I'll soon find a woman who will say yes, and I can start to stop caring about my ex.
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 You really need to experience at least 90 days complete NC. They say it takes 12 weeks to change a habit, which means you're still only just over a month into recovery. 90 days NC first. Make that the number one goal. The "she's dead" business can wait. Hmm, so then I need two more months. Which would ironically enough, would be six months after she dumped me. The one year anniversary of the relationship. Funny enough, this time last year, she was still with the guy before me.
pickflicker Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I'm an obsessive thinker as well. If my brain is on a rampage, I tend to recite movie dialogue, song lyrics, passages from books (in my head)...I find it helps. Particularly at night, I'm not a brilliant sleeper at the best of times, so that's my process to help my brain quiet down. It's a pretty loud place, my head, most of the time. 1
pickflicker Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hmm, so then I need two more months. Which would ironically enough, would be six months after she dumped me. The one year anniversary of the relationship. Funny enough, this time last year, she was still with the guy before me. You've not given NC a proper chance yet.
Author somedude81 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I'm an obsessive thinker as well. If my brain is on a rampage, I tend to recite movie dialogue, song lyrics, passages from books (in my head)...I find it helps. Particularly at night, I'm not a brilliant sleeper at the best of times, so that's my process to help my brain quiet down. It's a pretty loud place, my head, most of the time. What I've just started trying to do is drown my thoughts out with ambient noise. Give myself something to focus on. It's starting to be more helpful for bed. I don't really have control of my thoughts when I'm trying to fall asleep and they are just very angry. You've not given NC a proper chance yet. I've given it one month so far. Hopefully I'll start going out on dates this month. That would really help me get over her.
InnocentMan Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Did the other 'Somedude' thread self destruct under the sheer weight of denial? Your placing way too much on this one relationship, which lasted 4 months. It's barely even a relationship in most peoples lives. I have literally no advice to offer you, other than get yourself a decent therapist. 1
Author somedude81 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 Did the other 'Somedude' thread self destruct under the sheer weight of denial? Your placing way too much on this one relationship, which lasted 4 months. It's barely even a relationship in most peoples lives. I have literally no advice to offer you, other than get yourself a decent therapist. The regular froum troll started posting in that thread, and when he was banned and all his posts were deleted, there wasn't any saving that thread. BTW. We dated for six months and I liked her for about two months before we started dating. Plus she is the first and only girlfriend I've ever had, and the only woman I ever loved. So yeah, that's why I'm placing so much on this one relationship.
pickflicker Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 You're basically asking for cognitive behaviour therapy techniques, which a therapist could teach you, far better than us armchair psychologists. 1
InnocentMan Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 The regular froum troll started posting in that thread, and when he was banned and all his posts were deleted, there wasn't any saving that thread. BTW. We dated for six months and I liked her for about two months before we started dating. Plus she is the first and only girlfriend I've ever had, and the only woman I ever loved. So yeah, that's why I'm placing so much on this one relationship. I understand why you're placing so much weight on it, I'm saying it's not proportionate. If you keep up this behaviour pattern, one day you will wake up and you'll be 40, and going through the same crap. Then 50, then 60, then it's game over, and your life as a dater is finito. You should look at your ex as a glimpse of the possibilities that exist, if you get your **** together. Most people go through their first real heartbreak before they're 20, not at 31. You've missed out on 10 years or so of real life dating experiences. This is why it feels like the end of the world to you. You can't fix it by getting your ex back. 2
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