How do I convince myself that my ex is dead?

[somedude81]

Once again I'm getting the retarded urge to contact her. Which is actually fu*king ridiculous because I know she wants me to leave her alone and that she has blocked my number and email. Which means the only thing I could do is write her a letter.

 

I haven't seen her in four months, since the day she dumped me, and the last time she replied to anything I sent was February 17th. I tried to contact her again sometime later that month and she never replied. I have not tried to reach her in over a month.

 

For some stupid reason I still have hope that we can try again, even though I really know it will never work.

 

I wrote "She is dead" on a few pieces of paper and taped them around my apartment, but I'm going to need more than that to convince me.

 

Frankly, the reason I think I still have a chance is because we have not seen each other at all since the day she dumped me. I believe that if she were willing to meet face to face, I could win her back.

[Anela]

You don't want to be thinking that way. You need something else to focus on, and to get out of your apartment - that's what others have been trying to tell you. When I felt the same way about someone, getting out of the house was the main thing I wanted to do - I wanted to be doing things with others.

[somedude81]

You don't want to be thinking that way. You need something else to focus on, and to get out of your apartment - that's what others have been trying to tell you. When I felt the same way about someone, getting out of the house was the main thing I wanted to do - I wanted to be doing things with others.

No matter what I'm doing, I'm always thinking of her. She constantly dominates my thoughts.

[tlegend]

Once again I'm getting the retarded urge to contact her. Which is actually fu*king ridiculous because I know she wants me to leave her alone and that she has blocked my number and email. Which means the only thing I could do is write her a letter.

 

I haven't seen her in four months, since the day she dumped me, and the last time she replied to anything I sent was February 17th. I tried to contact her again sometime later that month and she never replied. I have not tried to reach her in over a month.

 

For some stupid reason I still have hope that we can try again, even though I really know it will never work.

 

I wrote "She is dead" on a few pieces of paper and taped them around my apartment, but I'm going to need more than that to convince me.

 

Frankly, the reason I think I still have a chance is because we have not seen each other at all since the day she dumped me. I believe that if she were willing to meet face to face, I could win her back.

 

You can't win someone back who is, for all purposes, dead to you. This in itself shows me that the confetti with "She is dead" in your apartment is not working for you.

 

Mourn the loss of the relationship as if she were truly dead to you. Think about it, it's basically the same grieving process. You cry and get emotional because something that was once a part of your life is now gone. However, you aren't accepting that fact yet. Thinking about winning back the love of a dead person (to keep the illusion up) is absurd. It's impossible. This isn't a zombie movie where the zombie comes back to life due to love.

 

She's dead to you because it's the truth. Who you fell in love with is no longer a person in this world. Move on man....we're waiting for you on this side of the finish line. It's a beautiful day, there's beautiful women all around, and all it takes is someone to say "Hi, I think you are gorgeous and HAD to stop you to introduce myself."

 

But to get to that point, you gotta move on from your dead ex girlfriend. Get the picture now?

 

Good luck.

 

My 2 cents.

[xxoo]

No matter what I'm doing, I'm always thinking of her. She constantly dominates my thoughts.

 

Remove a thought by replacing it with another. We can not focus on two thoughts at one time.

 

Give yourself a time of day to think of her. Schedule it. At that time, set a timer for 15 min, and focus on her. When the timer rings, do something else.

 

When you think of her at other times, remind yourself that you have a set time for those thoughts. Do something else. Focus on something else.

 

To start, focus on making a list of 10 things that a good use of your time and energy. Then think of 10 more. Then start focusing on DOING them.

[Anela]

No matter what I'm doing, I'm always thinking of her. She constantly dominates my thoughts.

 

You need to find something to lift at least some of that depression. It will pass eventually, but you're too isolated - I know how it goes. It took me so long to shake that person in that past, and even now I occasionally just feel sad, but other things in my life went to hell. He wasn't worth any of the time I spent upset over his actions.

 

Try reading this book for starters: Unstuck: Your Guide to the Seven-Stage Journey Out of Depression: James S. Gordon M.D.: 9780143115519: Amazon.com: Books

 

I still deal with depression, and I can tell you that getting into a relationship won't magically change things for me, just as it won't for you. I can't go into more right now.

[somedude81]

You can't win someone back who is, for all purposes, dead to you. This in itself shows me that the confetti with "She is dead" in your apartment is not working for you.

 

Mourn the loss of the relationship as if she were truly dead to you. Think about it, it's basically the same grieving process. You cry and get emotional because something that was once a part of your life is now gone. However, you aren't accepting that fact yet. Thinking about winning back the love of a dead person (to keep the illusion up) is absurd. It's impossible. This isn't a zombie movie where the zombie comes back to life due to love.

 

She's dead to you because it's the truth. Who you fell in love with is no longer a person in this world. Move on man....we're waiting for you on this side of the finish line. It's a beautiful day, there's beautiful women all around, and all it takes is someone to say "Hi, I think you are gorgeous and HAD to stop you to introduce myself."

 

But to get to that point, you gotta move on from your dead ex girlfriend. Get the picture now?

 

Good luck.

 

My 2 cents.

I am trying to convince myself that she is dead. Right now I don't believe, that's why I still have hope.

 

I just put up the "She is dead" signs a little while ago.

 

I'm tried of mourning the relationship and crying over her. I'm sick of it.

 

Though deep down, I feel that I haven't tried everything.

[tlegend]

I am trying to convince myself that she is dead. Right now I don't believe, that's why I still have hope.

 

I just put up the "She is dead" signs a little while ago.

 

I'm tried of mourning the relationship and crying over her. I'm sick of it.

 

Though deep down, I feel that I haven't tried everything.

 

If you have hope to reconcile a relationship with her due to not talking to her for a few months, you have not succeeded. This is an important process...obviously for you because you can't just be happy for the experience you had with her, you have to be with her again in order to feel "whole" again. This is just crazy, so I can surmise you're still in a crazy mindset. Which.....means you're not over her.

 

So...get to convincing yourself she is dead again. And you know what they say: "If at first you don't succeed, try try again!"

 

As getting over your ex is a painful process, I'm sure with diligent execution, you will move on. Until then, you are the master of your own demise.

[Anela]

I am trying to convince myself that she is dead. Right now I don't believe, that's why I still have hope.

 

I just put up the "She is dead" signs a little while ago.

 

I'm tried of mourning the relationship and crying over her. I'm sick of it.

 

Though deep down, I feel that I haven't tried everything.

 

You have. You really don't want to try anything else: trust me on that. It hurts more and more.

[xxoo]

Though deep down, I feel that I haven't tried everything.

 

Put your focus on improving yourself so that if you see her in the future, she has a twinge of regret.

 

The next woman will benefit, and you will, too. Living well is the best revenge!

[somedude81]

You have. You really don't want to try anything else: trust me on that. It hurts more and more.

No I haven't.

 

I've been very respectful of her wishes and have not tried to see her in person. I deeply regret not going to her place early after she dumped me.

 

My mom lives 5 minutes from my ex, and whenever I go visit my mom, it takes everything I have to not drop by my exes place.

 

I still feel that if I could get 30 minutes alone with her, we can work everything out. The fact that she's never been willing to meet is what's keeping the thought in my head.

[Zahara]

I am trying to convince myself that she is dead. Right now I don't believe, that's why I still have hope.

 

I just put up the "She is dead" signs a little while ago..

 

Maybe instead of convincing yourself she is dead, which is not very easy to grasp because it's not believable in any sense, you need to convince yourself it's over. She's dead versus it's over -- it's over could be a better mantra to focus on.

 

And along with that, replace thoughts that you have of her that are hopeful and in a sense dwelling with reaffirmations that it's done, it's over, I have to move on, I will not focus on the past, etc. When you have a thought, don't sit there and let it creep on you and engulf you. Don't sit and dwell. Get up, repeat to yourself it is over, go and do something, change your thought pattern.

 

As my therapist and friend used to say, "Change the channel." It's the only way you are going to break away from how you've trained your mind to always think. You NOW have to reprogram it.

[Anela]

No I haven't.

 

I've been very respectful of her wishes and have not tried to see her in person. I deeply regret not going to her place early after she dumped me.

 

My mom lives 5 minutes from my ex, and whenever I go visit my mom, it takes everything I have to not drop by my exes place.

 

I still feel that if I could get 30 minutes alone with her, we can work everything out. The fact that she's never been willing to meet is what's keeping the thought in my head.

 

And that's why you've tried everything that you could: she asked to be left alone, which means that nothing else will work.

[somedude81]

Maybe instead of convincing yourself she is dead, which is not very easy to grasp because it's not believable in any sense, you need to convince yourself it's over. She's dead versus it's over -- it's over could be a better mantra to focus on.

 

And along with that, replace thoughts that you have of her that are hopeful and in a sense dwelling with reaffirmations that it's done, it's over, I have to move on, I will not focus on the past, etc. When you have a thought, don't sit there and let it creep on you and engulf you. Don't sit and dwell. Get up, repeat to yourself it is over, go and do something, change your thought pattern.

 

As my therapist and friend used to say, "Change the channel." It's the only way you are going to break away from how you've trained your mind to always think. You NOW have to reprogram it.

Yeah I can try that.

 

I need thoughts more powerful than "It's done." Something that will prevent me from wanting to start over.

 

"I will not focus on the past" sounds good. Or "She is my past"

 

Ugh, my brain is so stubborn. If she is my past, what is my present? What is my future?

 

I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

[Catwoman13]

Somedude,

 

This might sound irrelevant to you, but maybe give it a try? Start practicing meditating. Just start off say 5 minutes at a set time each morning and night too.

 

Meditating = the practice of letting go. Create a nice little space for yourself, close the door, sit on a cushion, legs crossed, sitting straight, and inhale deeply and gently through your nose. Exhale through your nose without opening your mouth. Imagine your thoughts to be pieces of paper running down a stream and watch them disappear as the stream turns to a gentle water fall, the pieces of paper flow away out of sight. Do this again and again with every thought that enters your mind. When you feel restless, remind yourself it's only 4/3/2/1 more minute, and that it is the one part of the day where you don't have to think or do or be anything else other than that stream, with pieces of paper/memories/thoughts just gently flowing by, letting each one disappear. You can time your gentle deep breathing in flow with this process, each time, allow your lungs to fill deeper. Exhale slow and gentle, don't use force in this process. That's simple meditation.

 

Why? Because you are trying to force something out of your life and the reason it's not working is because every time we try to put the lid on something that is really at the front of our mind, it tends to either leak out slowly back into our minds and hearts til we sink again, or if we try really hard it doesn't leak but eventually explodes as soon as we get shook up again - like a fizzy drink.

 

By practicing this skill you will attune yourself into your capability to let go with less pain, day by day. It will take time, there is no short-cut, but if you give yourself this discipline I'd be willing to bet it gets easier faster. It's just a way to be the master of you, and not so much at the mercy of you, if that makes sense.

 

Throughout the day, just observe your thoughts, like you were an outsider looking in at yourself. Let them go, same as you did earlier on in your meditation. The reason we don't do this automatically is because when we feel sad or at a loss as to what to do, we try to control by holding on to it - our minds think that is the way, until we tell it what to do. You're trying to save what's lost, it's natural, you're human.

 

And, not to give you false hope in terms of your ex, but when you become this person, you find suddenly you feel more attractive in every way. That's because you are more attractive. Because the energy you are emitting then is pure You - and not the collective energy of hurt, despair, obsessive thinking etc.

 

Good luck - whatever you decide to do!

[Zahara]

Yeah I can try that.

 

I need thoughts more powerful than "It's done." Something that will prevent me from wanting to start over.

 

"I will not focus on the past" sounds good. Or "She is my past"

 

Ugh, my brain is so stubborn. If she is my past, what is my present? What is my future?

 

I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

 

Yes, what is your present? What is your future?

 

Ponder on those two questions. Use the space in your brain and your heart to turn this around and fill it with YOU. You're so busy looking over your shoulder you don't even know where you're heading. Isn't that just a waste of your precious life?

 

This is an eye-opener for you, somedude. You made a statement that should be lighting all sorts of bulbs in your head. You're so consumed with your past that you've neglected and still continue to neglect you.

 

Now, instead of going it's done, she's my past, she this and she that, etc. -- let's change that. Whenever you start to think about her -- your mindset should switch to CHANNEL YOU. So, waaaaah, I want her back, I miss her -- change to -- I'm going to focus on that class and start some study work, I need to go to the gym and start a workout plan, I want to start on that project, I want to start working on my financials so that I can start feeling secure with my future, I want to check out that volunteering program and see where I can be of help to someone that is unfortunate, I want to check out that job I was interested in, etc.

 

Start making plans for yourself. Start diverting your thoughts to you. Change the channel.

Edited April 1, 2014 by Zahara

[somedude81]

Somedude,

 

This might sound irrelevant to you, but maybe give it a try? Start practicing meditating. Just start off say 5 minutes at a set time each morning and night too.

 

Meditating = the practice of letting go. Create a nice little space for yourself, close the door, sit on a cushion, legs crossed, sitting straight, and inhale deeply and gently through your nose. Exhale through your nose without opening your mouth. Imagine your thoughts to be pieces of paper running down a stream and watch them disappear as the stream turns to a gentle water fall, the pieces of paper flow away out of sight. Do this again and again with every thought that enters your mind. When you feel restless, remind yourself it's only 4/3/2/1 more minute, and that it is the one part of the day where you don't have to think or do or be anything else other than that stream, with pieces of paper/memories/thoughts just gently flowing by, letting each one disappear. You can time your gentle deep breathing in flow with this process, each time, allow your lungs to fill deeper. Exhale slow and gentle, don't use force in this process. That's simple meditation.

 

Why? Because you are trying to force something out of your life and the reason it's not working is because every time we try to put the lid on something that is really at the front of our mind, it tends to either leak out slowly back into our minds and hearts til we sink again, or if we try really hard it doesn't leak but eventually explodes as soon as we get shook up again - like a fizzy drink.

 

By practicing this skill you will attune yourself into your capability to let go with less pain, day by day. It will take time, there is no short-cut, but if you give yourself this discipline I'd be willing to bet it gets easier faster. It's just a way to be the master of you, and not so much at the mercy of you, if that makes sense.

 

Throughout the day, just observe your thoughts, like you were an outsider looking in at yourself. Let them go, same as you did earlier on in your meditation. The reason we don't do this automatically is because when we feel sad or at a loss as to what to do, we try to control by holding on to it - our minds think that is the way, until we tell it what to do. You're trying to save what's lost, it's natural, you're human.

 

And, not to give you false hope in terms of your ex, but when you become this person, you find suddenly you feel more attractive in every way. That's because you are more attractive. Because the energy you are emitting then is pure You - and not the collective energy of hurt, despair, obsessive thinking etc.

 

Good luck - whatever you decide to do!

That's good.

 

I've always wanted to try to get into mediation. But frankly my problem has always been my mind being too active. I like the idea of my thoughts drifting away. I'll try that.

[swfc_77]

You are probably at the same stage as myself.

 

I'm looking back, living in hope, I can't stop thinking of her

 

I don't know why, she moved 12,000 miles to NZ to be with her family, she dropped me like a hot brick and her family out there hate me.

 

I will never ever ever see her again and 7 weeks ago we were depositing money in the bank saving for a house while I was messing about in the que.

 

I feel like letting go of the hope is accepting the rejection, I don't want to accept the rejection, but one day (not today and probably not tomorrow) I am going to have to accept it, that she rejected me and my love.

 

It's easier for me at the minute to stay at this stage and look down every other possible avenue in order to not look down the only avenue available.

 

Lose the hope

 

Face the rejection

 

Let me know when you have the balls to do it, cos I might try it then

[Babolat]

I am trying to convince myself that she is dead. Right now I don't believe, that's why I still have hope.

 

I just put up the "She is dead" signs a little while ago.

 

I'm tried of mourning the relationship and crying over her. I'm sick of it.

 

Though deep down, I feel that I haven't tried everything.

 

IMHO these signs will only cause you to think about her, more. The goal is to distract yourself with something else. Get busy, think about something else, call a buddy, a family member, talk it out, etc. Don't leave hints of her around the house.

[somedude81]

You are probably at the same stage as myself.

 

I'm looking back, living in hope, I can't stop thinking of her

 

I don't know why, she moved 12,000 miles to NZ to be with her family, she dropped me like a hot brick and her family out there hate me.

 

I will never ever ever see her again and 7 weeks ago we were depositing money in the bank saving for a house while I was messing about in the que.

 

I feel like letting go of the hope is accepting the rejection, I don't want to accept the rejection, but one day (not today and probably not tomorrow) I am going to have to accept it, that she rejected me and my love.

 

It's easier for me at the minute to stay at this stage and look down every other possible avenue in order to not look down the only avenue available.

 

Lose the hope

 

Face the rejection

 

Let me know when you have the balls to do it, cos I might try it then

Wow that sucks. It's horrible when things are so sudden.

 

How do you let go of the hope?

 

As long as I still want her back, I don't know if I can let go of the hope.

 

So the trick must be, to make myself no longer want her back. That's what I'm struggling to figure out. How to make myself no longer want her back.

[Iguanna]

No matter what I'm doing, I'm always thinking of her. She constantly dominates my thoughts.

 

Is this the same woman whose photo you uploaded yesterday in a public forum and when others told you it's not appropriate you said you don't give a damn about her?

 

Men are as complicated as women after all.

[somedude81]

Is this the same woman whose photo you uploaded yesterday in a public forum and when others told you it's not appropriate you said you don't give a damn about her?

 

Men are as complicated as women after all.

I also said that I have very extreme and mixed feelings toward her. Love and hate.

 

As long as she refuses to have any contact with me, I don't give a damn about her. Meaning, I don't have any respect for her.

 

Of course that would not be the case if she took me back.

[xxoo]

what is my present? What is my future?

 

I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

 

These three sentences say a lot about where you are, and what you need to do. You need a full life, so that you have things to focus on other than woman troubles. You need to DO things to create that full life. You are stuck because you remain hyperfocused on women, and neglect to do the things that will ultimately help you create a future.

 

It's time to stop dwelling on her. It's your comfort zone; even though it's painful, it's also rewarding. It's indulgent. It's time to be disciplined with your thoughts and your time, and do the things you need to get done. Throw that energy into math, or working out, or learning a new language, or ANYTHING else, especially things that get you interacting with people.

[xxoo]

I also said that I have very extreme and mixed feelings toward her. Love and hate.

 

As long as she refuses to have any contact with me, I don't give a damn about her. Meaning, I don't have any respect for her.

 

Of course that would not be the case if she took me back.

 

I'm curious, what would you say to her that you think would change things?

[Iguanna]

I also said that I have very extreme and mixed feelings toward her. Love and hate.

 

As long as she refuses to have any contact with me, I don't give a damn about her. Meaning, I don't have any respect for her.

 

Of course that would not be the case if she took me back.

 

So do you really believe a woman would respect you for that and be happy to consider taking you back? You have a totally wrong view of what love is. Love does not exist under circumstances that suit you and gets turned off when they don't suit you anymore. This paragraph you wrote there is the proof you can never make a woman happy or keep her for that matter.