leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 my ex and i broke up last week. we ended our 3 year relationship and 8 year friendship kind of out of the blue. im moving on but want to remember her as a good person, but my ex lied to me about being with this guy when i caught them out somewhere together, the same guy she began talking to more near the end of our relationship. she insists there is nothing to the dynamic except friendship and that the reasons for our breakup were entirely separate. i asked her to show me their texts as a means of retaining my trust. she said "no, you're going to take it the wrong way." is it wrong of me to ask that & to demand it otherwise terminate any sense of friendship down the road. shes been in my life and close to me for over a decade. i dont want to have to go down this way
CarrieT Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 She is an Ex. What trust needs to exist if there is no more relationship? Go No Contact and don't look back... 10
Strength in Healing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Carrie is correct. It's sad, but you are in denial that the relationship is over, and want to see her phone. Believe me, I feel you a lot. But that's who she really is. So make sure you correct the illusion in your mind that you had, and instead, replace it with the reality of who she is. 2
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 thanks for the replies guys. i just wish we could still be friends. but if this is true, and all the lies over the past few months turned out to be this, i dont think we can ever be friends again. we had a dog together and shared 10+ yrs of memories. its really unfortunate if this is true, but i just dont want to assume. 1
WYSWYG Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I can understand your intentions OP. You want to prove her wrong. You want the evidence seen as proof and justice to all the suspicions you have on the things she could be hiding. Naturally, she'll feel intruded (anybody will, for that matter). But she's right, you could take somethings the wrong way and worst case, you'll see things that you wish you didn't. It will be toxic. What looks like a friendly smiling emoticon can be misinterpreted into a nightmare. Don't inflict this pain to yourself. It can emotionally cripple you. Ignorance is really a bliss in this matter. Your curiosity will make it worst. She made her choice and even in the most desirable outcome, it will be difficult for you two to rebuild trust. 2
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 thanks for the response. i see some light already. so essentially my plan and mentality towards this situation is just to be ignorant. do I believe her and assume there is nothing, despite many things that say otherwise? or do i just ignore her & consider her a compulsive liar that has lied to me for months and months about this guy?
Strength in Healing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 In my opinion... assume she is a liar. In this cases, it usually is all lies.
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Dude, the writing is on the wall. This dude IS the reason why you're broken up! Nothing separate about it. And your right, she has no reason to give you her phone, but her stating that if you saw the texts that were on there that "you would take them the wrong way." Nope! You would have taken them the way that they read and that they are a couple. Go NC, it's only going to be a matter of time before they make their relationship (that was totally unassociated with you *puke*) public.
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 if this matters at all, she said she wouldnt hang out with him any more one on one to not lead him on since she doesnt like him (he has a history of liking her and tried to get with her right when we were on a on month break a year back). regardless.. i think yeah its time to cut my losses. what a damn shame
WYSWYG Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 yea NC might be the sensible choice. Kindly let go. It's hard to say goodbye to 8th years of knowing that person & have an RS ending like this. I always say life is too short for begrudging. Friends come and go but no need to be bitter. That's just me. One day that person could be the authority across the desk at the DMV office. Who knows? In time when you're indifferent, say a year or so and maybe you can be friends again. Good deeds are always remembered and valued. 1
Babolat Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 thanks for the replies guys. i just wish we could still be friends. . You can't, not now. Time will tell. It's too early for you right now. 1
somegoodman Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 if this matters at all, she said she wouldnt hang out with him any more one on one to not lead him on since she doesnt like him (he has a history of liking her and tried to get with her right when we were on a on month break a year back). regardless.. i think yeah its time to cut my losses. what a damn shame lol You have a lot to learn man. Sorry for your pain but you're willfully blinding yourself to the truth. Never take a woman's words at face value, it's only her actions that matter. 1
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 yeah. i think im just fustrated because i think what she did was so wrong but she seems almost indifferent, and of all people it was to me. i guess theres no getting through to someone when they no longer care. sad, literally a week ago she said she loved me so much and that she was so lucky to have me. women.... sigh
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 lol Never take a woman's words at face value, it's only her actions that matter. so damn true. i wish women were intentional with what they said. maybe im overly intentional, as im almost done with my law degree..
Babolat Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 yeah. i think im just fustrated because i think what she did was so wrong but she seems almost indifferent, and of all people it was to me. i guess theres no getting through to someone when they no longer care. sad, literally a week ago she said she loved me so much and that she was so lucky to have me. women.... sigh And this, is a person you wishe to remain, friends with? When I have these "friends" thought I quickly replace them with what bothered me in the relationship. I went thru this with my ex gf. I was the dumper the first time, kind of the dumper the 2nd time too. She said she hoped we could remain friends as she values our friendship. I agreed. This was almost 4 weeks ago. I unfriend her on FB about a week ago and it felt very good in a strange way. You just can't be friend, this soon IMHO. 2
Poppyolive Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Sadness. I think you should take it as lies & cheating. Because of it wasn't the case she would of happily showed you otherwise. Its too bad and I'm sure she feels caught out but has to face consequences of her actions. I'm sure you feel shock, disbelief & betrayed. This is not actions of a friend, lover, caring person....but its too bad she doesn't deserve your friendship or to have you in her life. She's doesn't have the decency to be honest with you, to be the makings of a friend, after all the years shes done a number on you. Don't be around. My ex and I were best friends, lovers for 6 years. We parted ways his decision, I gracefully accepted his choice and understand it takes two to make a relationship work and he's holding up his hands saying its not him... Sad, hard, emotional, difficult but I accepted. I didnt bug him, call him, text him...nothing i just took cover to heal . for 3 months I had him threaten me, be ice cold, callous, demanding, hurtful...eg. Instead of asking for his things, mail whatever he would say things like im giving you 24 hours to put my clothes outside, to move your Skype account....I responded with patience and kindness to each and every demand until I started to have anxiety when I heard my phone go off... I blocked him completely. My point here op, is same situation as you....but they are showing us we mean nothing, they can not show care, respect & love. They can't do their side of friendship.. They are not in a place that they can do this, they may never be, its not our jobs to show this our hurt, then demand an apology and friendship. Where is their work in all this??? Sadly there is none. I'm sure one day a light bulb will go off and a realization and responsibility of their actions will surface and only then can they own up....and then again they may never. 2
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 my ex and i broke up last week. we ended our 3 year relationship and 8 year friendship kind of out of the blue. im moving on but want to remember her as a good person, but my ex lied to me about being with this guy when i caught them out somewhere together, the same guy she began talking to more near the end of our relationship. she insists there is nothing to the dynamic except friendship and that the reasons for our breakup were entirely separate. i asked her to show me their texts as a means of retaining my trust. she said "no, you're going to take it the wrong way." is it wrong of me to ask that & to demand it otherwise terminate any sense of friendship down the road. shes been in my life and close to me for over a decade. i dont want to have to go down this way She is your EX what she does now is NONE of YOUR business and she doesn't need to prove anything to you. If she was messing around you can't do anything about it now. Move on and find someone whose phone you won't need to check. 3
DannyCA Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 my ex and i broke up last week. we ended our 3 year relationship and 8 year friendship kind of out of the blue. im moving on but want to remember her as a good person, but my ex lied to me about being with this guy when i caught them out somewhere together, the same guy she began talking to more near the end of our relationship. she insists there is nothing to the dynamic except friendship and that the reasons for our breakup were entirely separate. i asked her to show me their texts as a means of retaining my trust. she said "no, you're going to take it the wrong way." is it wrong of me to ask that & to demand it otherwise terminate any sense of friendship down the road. shes been in my life and close to me for over a decade. i dont want to have to go down this way Dude just drop her and move on with your life. Easier said than done, but you have to force yourself until it actually becomes easy and what you want. And what do you expect to find out by reading her texts? You will absolutely regret reading those texts messages even if she showed you. Sorry but this is what the text messages consisted of: -Smiley faces to each other -Flirty conversations -Sexual innuendos -Setting up dates -How much fun they had on those dates -And if she is as much of a liar and cheater as I'm guessing, they talked about the sex they've been having My last relationship lasted little over half a year and most of it was LD. Rest assured it was phenomenal despite how it ended. I'm almost at 14 months post BU, and I think I'm finally at the point of indifference. It's like I would still help out my ex if she was in trouble, but I don't care about her anymore. It's been a long and very sh**** road, but I can finally say I'm doing so much better. I deleted her from all my social media, but last night on instagram a picture came up of her that my friends liked on my feed. It was of her and her friend. It looked like they were getting ready to go out. A couple month ago I would have checked to see who liked it and what were the comments, but I thought to myself what if the caption is something like "getting ready for a night out with our boyfriends" or some crap like that. What would that have done for me? Not help me move on with my life thats for sure. Point being I can't imagine almost a decade of history with someone ending like it did for you, but you're just going to have to suck it up and drop her ass. Cause that's some straight up bulls*** if you ask me her treating you like that. F her man. She made her bed, let her sleep in it. And when she realizes she made a huge huge mistake, it's up to you whether you want her back. But your not gonna get that chance if keep in touch with her in any sort of manner. 1
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) wow, the amount of care and concern im getting from this forum is amazing. thanks for the support guys. im hurting deeply that someone would do this to me. your thoughts and input are invaluable. thanks friends. i left things on a good note (i am kind of regretting being so nice to her about it, debating if i should return a last text saying, i dont want to be in contact you're full of lies) rather than what i did which was, i understand why we broke up ill take your word for it one last time. i appreciate what we had, things will be different and i hope things workout in the future. Edited April 1, 2014 by leesc90
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 strongly considering calling her and asking her why she didnt show me the texts, because if they were just friends she'd have nothing to hide or for me to take the wrong way. we had a good lunch and ended on a good note, but i feel i need to lay it down that im not cool with all this. ... man, im a long ways down the road to recovery..
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Nah, don't send anything. Time to move on. Sooner or later, she's probably going to feel guilty and try to reach out to you. Especially is she thinks you hate her and you haven't tried to contact her in a while. If she sends anything. Just ignore it. Don't respond.
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Nah, don't send anything. Time to move on. Sooner or later, she's probably going to feel guilty and try to reach out to you. Especially is she thinks you hate her and you haven't tried to contact her in a while. If she sends anything. Just ignore it. Don't respond. thats the thing.. she doesnt think i hate her. she thinks im fine with everything, that i believe all of it and that we're on great terms..
DannyCA Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 thats the thing.. she doesnt think i hate her. she thinks im fine with everything, that i believe all of it and that we're on great terms.. Funny thing is if she thinks you hate her it will be easier on her mind. Like "well he's mad at me, well screw him then" or some crap along those lines. But if she thinks you are fine with the break up it's going to eat that liar up inside. Good riddance if you ask me. Let the guilt eat her up and move on with your life. She's going to be contacting you at some point. Ignore her, and if you can't resist replying, write something down but don't send it, because when you ignore her she is going to get so pissed off and wonder what the heck you're up to. NC my man, you guys are done. 1
Author leesc90 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Funny thing is if she thinks you hate her it will be easier on her mind. Like "well he's mad at me, well screw him then" or some crap along those lines. But if she thinks you are fine with the break up it's going to eat that liar up inside. Good riddance if you ask me. Let the guilt eat her up and move on with your life. She's going to be contacting you at some point. Ignore her, and if you can't resist replying, write something down but don't send it, because when you ignore her she is going to get so pissed off and wonder what the heck you're up to. NC my man, you guys are done. great perspective man. you have stopped me from contacting her. but just a question, whats the purpose of ignoring her future contacts too? summer is coming.. if i see pictures of her at the pool with dudes (she has a smokin hot body.. unbelievable) i think i will die. 1
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 great perspective man. you have stopped me from contacting her. but just a question, whats the purpose of ignoring her future contacts too? summer is coming.. if i see pictures of her at the pool with dudes (she has a smokin hot body.. unbelievable) i think i will die. A lot of times, our Ex's contact us for an ego boost. One day, she might be having a bad day and her boyfriend or whoever isn't one to listen and understand what she's feeling. Therefore, they tend to contact us, because we know them best. They want to use us as an emotional tampon. To make them feel better. And then once they get their ego boost from you, then you're back in the gutter. And it destroys any healing that you've had thus far. Sets you back a few pegs in your healing. Yeah, I just read your last sentence. YOU NEED TO BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK FOR THAT VERY REASON!! You don't need to see that crap and, trust me, she thinks things are cool, then that crap will be going up. Plus, she might try to contact you asking why you blocked her on Facebook. Ignore it. By ignoring her, you give her nothing. She doesn't know where your head is at. She doesn't know if you hate her, or mad, or sad, or even indifferent. You give her NOTHING. Besides, she's the one that ended it with you. She made the choice to have you out of her life. So, you give her exactly what she's asked for. She gave up that right to know how you are. 1
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