ThatGirl213 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 My ex boyfriend says he sees himself only settling down and marrying me. He is my first and only love so far. I am 25yrs old. He had cheated on me and that's why we broke up. According to him, he wants to have all his fun before he settles down and when he finally gets married, he would be the 'ever so faithful' husband and spoil his wife and do everything to make the M work. He is 24yrs old. Will be 25 in a few months. He has been saying this from the very beginning of our relationship which started in 2010 and he has cheated and flirted with girls and done what he wants to do all along. I always gave him another chance. More like I use to beg him to come back to me all the time whenever I caught him cheating. Now he is begging me and says he wants to settle down and wants to be with no one else other than me. He says that in his first relationship, his ex cheated on him too much leading him to become kinda heartless and he is kinda over it now. I am not asking for your advice on if I should go back to my ex but my question is do you think these kinda guys change and actually become faithful husbands. This thing about testing waters while you are young so when you finally settle down, you give the best to the one you marry and not feel bad that you did not have fun while you were young, is this even true? Or just an excuse to cheat?
J21 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) Most of the time, no. The guy gets used to you taking him back even after cheating, so would he have any reason to change? Past performance is usually an indicator of future expectations. I dont quite see it turning the opposite in this case. Edited April 1, 2014 by J21 1
Zahara Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 There is a difference between someone that just wants to go out and have fun while being non-committed to anyone versus someone that is in a committed relationship AND chooses to be a serial cheater. No one can tell you if he will be a doting husband and father years from now but you have to be smart and realize that the risk you take banking on whether someone like that can change just isn't worth it. And trust me, you'll always be looking over your shoulder. It's no way to live. Another thing, when you allow a cheater to keep cheating on you, the only thing you have taught him is that you tolerate cheating and you tolerate being emotionally and mentally abused. And people like him will use that lesson wisely. And of course he wants another chance, why wouldn't he? It's easy. He's always managed to get what he wants, when he wants it. This time it is no different. 1
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 There's no guarantee. And someone who is focused on his physical emotions, I'd be wary of him changing by the simple matter of getting older. Let me put it this way. Him saying that he wants to 'sew his wild oats' now and be a 'doting' father/husband later is, honestly BS. Especially at 24. Those are words and I don't think he can appreciate how different it is being a 'player' to being 'committed'. That's to say he can't/won't change. But it won't be because this is his life's plan and when he turns, say, 30, he'll turn it off. He'll change when he gets in a relationship and realizes that the games and the bed-notching isn't fulfilling. That may happen if tires of the game or once he finds the right person. Unfortunately, to some degree, I've learned those lessons too. As much as I wanted to change - and expected I would sometime...it took understanding what i wanted out of life. at that point, no more did the 'having fun all the time' matter to me.
Teraskas Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Having been cheated on twice, I can certainly relate to its painful sting as well as the powerful emotions it summons. Personally, despite my age (22) I am not capable of that because I have this inherrent 'loyalist' trait, probably has to do something with my family's history of military service, but I digress. Anyhow, to the topic at hand: He made his choice. If he's done this plenty of times in the past, and you've forgiven him, then what's the point ? He'll just keep doing it and expect forgiveness every single time. His current behaviour will likely not change in the future. I've met plenty of people who needed to go through this 'have to get it out of their system' phase, and no matter how many people they cheated or had sex with, that urge never went away. Sorry, but in my eyes there is no redemption for a cheater, not now... not ever.
Author ThatGirl213 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Thank you all for your feedback. Personally I am fed up of giving him another chance or trying to work it out with him. Just feel like it isn't worth my time on energy. I also think he is very selfish to ask me for another chance despite what he has done. He said he won't take a no for an answer. I smiled and wished him good luck sarcastically. Now as I told him this, I find that he is trying hard to get a yes from me. But I still don't think that is enough or anything he does to convince me will be enough. He is more of a 'I want my cake in my hand and eat it too' kinda guy. Coz he expects me to start trusting him same time as he is 'trying'. Who knows what he will do next. Might come home with a child from another woman and tell me to just accept the child.
TheNewMe2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Sounds like your a good woman. There would be better guys to respect you. I know it's tough when you like someone. But eventually it will end badly. Sometimes you need to go down that path. But if you are a strong smart woman, maybe you can avoid that and make the hard decision now. 1
Zahara Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Thank you all for your feedback. Personally I am fed up of giving him another chance or trying to work it out with him. Just feel like it isn't worth my time on energy. I also think he is very selfish to ask me for another chance despite what he has done. He said he won't take a no for an answer. I smiled and wished him good luck sarcastically. Now as I told him this, I find that he is trying hard to get a yes from me. But I still don't think that is enough or anything he does to convince me will be enough. He is more of a 'I want my cake in my hand and eat it too' kinda guy. Coz he expects me to start trusting him same time as he is 'trying'. Who knows what he will do next. Might come home with a child from another woman and tell me to just accept the child. Of course he won't take no for an answer now because you've always accepted him back. He's a bit taken aback as to why you aren't catering to him. Well, she has always tolerated my cheating but why isn't she tolerating it now? I have to try harder and he is going to try harder because he has to have control. The thing with cheaters, but worst of all serial cheaters, they have to have their cake. You as security, the gf that is always there to comfort him, provide him with companionship and the women outside of the relationship that cater to his other needs. You sound strong, aware and determined. Stay the course. Demand better for yourself. You deserve it. A man that adores you and wants only you. Don't settle for anything less. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Very young cheaters (under 21) do change. They grow up. The fact that somebody cheated on their high school sweetheart is not proof positive that they will betray their spouse. The level of maturity & commitment are vastly different. However, the minute he cheats on you, if you take him back he'll never respect you & it will be too easy to cheat again. 1
Author ThatGirl213 Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 He may change and be a good husband like he says or he may not change and continue being a douche. But that doesn't concern me anymore. Probably coz the feelings aren't as strong anymore or I have become heartless from everything he has done. There is a huge degree of cynicism in me right now where I cannot even see myself in any relationship for a long time.
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