Still in love with ex

[trying_to_love_again]

I was dating a man who I thought was a true gentleman. Everybody who knew him said good things about him. We dated for 3 months and then all of a sudden he emails me saying that we are moving too fast and we need to cut things off, he needed time. Then after a week, I called and asked him to tell me what I did wrong so I could prevent it in my future relationships. He told me it had nothing to do with me and that he was facing a lot of financial burden and that it would take 8 yrs for him to get out of it. He is taking care of his kids, grandson and even his ex-wife and cannot afford a relationship. He is not a good catch. I let it go at that but a few weeks later I emailed him to let him know I was thinking about him and hoping things were going good and then 3 days later, I called him and left the same message. He never returned the email or call. So I figured he didn't want to have anything to do with me. It hurt but I decided it was over. Then I ran into his friends (a couple) and they asked where he was. I told them that he wanted to slow things down and I haven't heard from him since. They told me that just the other day he was telling them how much he loved me and that he really cared for me a lot. They said he was probably scared and to give him time. That gave me new hope.

 

All the time I have been dating him, he has told everybody, even people that he had just met, how much he liked me and thought what a wonderful woman I was. So I was thinking that he was just scared and to give him time.

 

I got an email almost a week later from him. It really surprised me. He emailed me to tell me that he is not over his ex and that he still has (unwanted) feelings for her. He said that he didn't have a spark for me and that he needs a spark not a person to replace his ex. He said that all the time he was with me, he was thinking of her subconsciously. This was such a shock to me. All the time we were dating, he was always telling me how beautiful I was, how pretty my skin was, how he liked my hair so much. He was always staring at me and always so respectful and loving and he told me that he would never get sick of me. It never entered my mind that he would still have feelings for his ex. We even talked about our ex's and said we would never have an interest in getting back with them.

 

How could he mislead me into believing he was interested in me and tell everybody that he was too? What kind of sick game is that? Please tell me. He is such a respectable person. Everybody likes him and he has always been an honest person. Why didn't I see any warnings? He always asked me out and never made me feel as though he had no spark for me. Why did he lie to me and mislead me?

 

OH...my login name should be looking_for_love_again! I must have mispelled it when I registered. Anybody know how I can change it?

[Merin]

Sound like he was "rebounding"

 

He hadn't been over his EX when he met you.. my guess is she (his EX) is more than likely the one who ended the relationship between the two of them..

 

He mets you.. you're nice to him and make him feel good about himself.. so he gets wrapped up (so to speak) in trying to forget the EX with a distraction..

 

I'm sure you're pretty, and an amazing person.. and I know it's hard not to take this personally.. but honestly I think he probably did mean what he was telling you at the time.. but I also think he was kidding himself into beleiving he could just move on when he hadn't given himself enough time to get over what happend between him and his EX..

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this now.. but honestly best thing to do here is nothing. Don't contact him anymore in any way.. IF you see his friends out again, Don't ask about him.. just leave things alone.

 

Give yourself time to get past this.. and don't allow it to effect your self esteem.. again, I'm sure you are a beautiful girl with a lot to offer.. so make sure the person the person you offer it to is worthy of you, and READY to accept what you bring to the table.

 

Good Luck

 

To change your SN contact the Mod's.. they are nice about helping out that way

[trying_to_love_again]

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. He is the one who left his ex and he did tell me that he can never get back with her. It surprises me that he has feelings for her still because they have been apart for two years, divorced for a year. A friend told me that men take longer to get over a divorce. I guess that must be true. However, I did tell him thanks for being honest with me and that it is probably natural to have feelings for someone you were married to for 24 years. I told him to forgive and forget and give it another try. He said he does not choose to do that and will never get back into a relationship but just date. Thanks again for helping me understand a little more.