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When does a man start thinking long term?


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Posted

I know men fall in love faster but I also know they live more *in the moment* than women do. So while dating, at what point a man will start considering if his relationship is viable long term?

 

I am dating someone 12 years younger than I. I am 48 and he's 36. It's going smoothly so far because we have the same life experience, we both were married, we're both parents, we have the same values, etc.

 

After 1 month my mind always goes back to : is this viable? In 10 years when I am 58 and he's 46 how am I going to keep his full attention.

 

He doesn't want to hear about our age difference. He's getting annoyed if I make a comment about it.

 

So I am wondering in his male brain if he's processed all this already? or he's in the moment and reality will hit him later.

Posted
I know men fall in love faster but I also know they live more *in the moment* than women do. So while dating, at what point a man will start considering if his relationship is viable long term?

 

I am dating someone 12 years younger than I. I am 48 and he's 36. It's going smoothly so far because we have the same life experience, we both were married, we're both parents, we have the same values, etc.

 

After 1 month my mind always goes back to : is this viable? In 10 years when I am 58 and he's 46 how am I going to keep his full attention.

 

He doesn't want to hear about our age difference. He's getting annoyed if I make a comment about it.

 

So I am wondering in his male brain if he's processed all this already? or he's in the moment and reality will hit him later.

 

I think at the ages u are u are both adult enough to make it work.. he probably doesnt want to talk about the age difference as he doesnt see it as important..

 

I dont think u need to worry about it hitting him later... he already knows the age difference x

  • Like 1
Posted

Whennnn a MAAAAAaaaaaaan loves a WOOOOOmaaan.

.

.sorry... I was lost in the moment.

  • Like 4
Posted

Do you really think a sweeping generalization about all men will help you out here?

What does it matter how long it takes the average man to fall in love, to start thinking long term, etc?

All that matters is what YOUR man thinks.

Sweeping generalizations about the male brain will do you no good whatsoever.

 

We're all different you know !

Posted

Gaeta,

 

I'll share my personal thoughts and not generalize for all men.

 

1. I am not at all certain that MEN fall in love sooner. During my dating days, women have started talking about the future sooner than I have, not always, but most.

2. I don't know if, early on, men's expressed love is no more than physical-emotional attachment to something more carnal than a true prospect of wanting to live the rest of his life with that woman....sex, attraction to the physical beauty, etc. I think men or for me, LOVE comes later, after I am no longer enchanted by the physical

3. Men say what the woman WANTS to hear...again not all men do this, but I think sometimes that men say such things b/c they feel a little pressure to in order to keep the girl close®, whether authentic or not.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with the age difference if I were 36. But 12-years where I am today at 45, yup, I would hesitate. Like others have said, if you are attractive, healthy, and I'm certain you are, YOU TOO should live day to day. Make it work every day as if it may be your last with him.

  • Author
Posted
Do you really think a sweeping generalization about all men will help you out here?

What does it matter how long it takes the average man to fall in love, to start thinking long term, etc?

All that matters is what YOUR man thinks.

Sweeping generalizations about the male brain will do you no good whatsoever.

 

We're all different you know !

Everything is generalizing, women prefer being pursued is a generalization, the same as the men need to chase, I am looking for opinions and people personal experience in same situation.
  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Gaeta,

 

I'll share my personal thoughts and not generalize for all men.

 

1. I am not at all certain that MEN fall in love sooner. During my dating days, women have started talking about the future sooner than I have, not always, but most.

2. I don't know if, early on, men's expressed love is no more than physical-emotional attachment to something more carnal than a true prospect of wanting to live the rest of his life with that woman....sex, attraction to the physical beauty, etc. I think men or for me, LOVE comes later, after I am no longer enchanted by the physical

3. Men say what the woman WANTS to hear...again not all men do this, but I think sometimes that men say such things b/c they feel a little pressure to in order to keep the girl close®, whether authentic or not.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with the age difference if I were 36. But 12-years where I am today at 45, yup, I would hesitate. Like others have said, if you are attractive, healthy, and I'm certain you are, YOU TOO should live day to day. Make it work every day as if it may be your last with him.

Thank you, very insightful. I have been single for 8 years, I have done my *live in the moment*, I am looking for someone I will grow old with.
Posted
Thank you, very insightful. I have been single for 8 years, I have done my *live in the moment*, I am looking for someone I will grow old with.

 

Oh, I get you. I didn't mean it in that way. What i'm saying is that, while you are with this guy and you continue to build the relationship, don't let doubts about the FUTURE hamper what you do in the PRESENT to keep things moving in the desired direction.

  • Like 1
Posted

I think everyone that is looking for a long term relationship starts that evaluation process on the first date.

  • Like 3
Posted
So while dating, at what point a man will start considering if his relationship is viable long term?

 

When they start making decisions that indicate long term commitment.

Posted
I think everyone that is looking for a long term relationship starts that evaluation process on the first date.

 

Yeah, I think those who are serious about wanting a LTR, do exactly that...from the first date, the evaluation, at least, mentally, starts to take place.

 

When I first met my gf, I said to myself, "Don't screw this up!" Lol! From my first glimpse of her, I was in evaluation mode, but that was b/c I was serious about having a LTR. :)

  • Like 1
Posted
Yeah, I think those who are serious about wanting a LTR, do exactly that...from the first date, the evaluation, at least, mentally, starts to take place.

 

That doesn't mean he'll always break it off with someone who isn't clearly "long term potential". Sometimes he's unsure, has concerns. Those guys tend to avoid the "relationship talks", maybe hoping that the concerns will resolve.

  • Like 1
Posted
That doesn't mean he'll always break it off with someone who isn't clearly "long term potential". Sometimes he's unsure, has concerns. Those guys tend to avoid the "relationship talks", maybe hoping that the concerns will resolve.

 

Yeah, I agree. Your point is true too....

Posted
Everything is generalizing, women prefer being pursued is a generalization, the same as the men need to chase, I am looking for opinions and people personal experience in same situation.

 

I agree with Gaeta. When generalizations are, in fact, generally true, it can be very useful to rely on the generalizations. I'm not sure why many people are so quick to point out the fact that generalizations do not apply to every situation. If a generalization is true in most situations, that is enough.

 

But back to the original question, I have no idea of when men generally fall in love.

Posted

I'd know or make a decision around the 6 month mark whether I want something long term with her or not.

Posted (edited)

Every guy will be different, but guys interested in an LTR with me seem to start screening even before they ask me out based on the types of questions they ask and topics they raise.

 

You mentioned that you were both married previously. You've done your "in the moment" thing and are now ready to find your life partner. Is he at the same stage? Is his divorce complete? Is he done with his "in the moment" dating? Is he also looking for a life partner? Does he see that as a possibility with you. (Some guys will date Ms. Right Now for fun, even as they look for Ms. Right.)

 

The answers to these questions about him are more relevant than trying to apply broad generalizations about when men think long-term to this guy.

 

Also, be careful not to turn a non-issue into an issue by continually focusing on age if he doesn't. My mom is nine years older than my dad. My friend's mom is twelve years older than her second husband (they've been married about ten years). Yes, large age differences in long-lasting marriages are less common, but they happen. Generalizations break down when you look at individual data points. They only apply when discussing the group as a whole. So focus on what your boyfriend thinks rather than what a population of single men are likely to think.

Edited by angel.eyes
  • Like 1
Posted

"(Some guys will date Ms. Right Now for fun, even as they look for Ms. Right.)"

 

Ok, so if this is true how do you tell the difference? I think the OP is somewhat asking this, at what point does a man fall in love? She is asking because she wants to probably guard her feelings a bit (if that is possible). In the stage of "uncertainty" it is difficult to know how to maneuver. I am there now for other reasons.

Posted
"(Some guys will date Ms. Right Now for fun, even as they look for Ms. Right.)"

 

Ok, so if this is true how do you tell the difference? I think the OP is somewhat asking this, at what point does a man fall in love? She is asking because she wants to probably guard her feelings a bit (if that is possible). In the stage of "uncertainty" it is difficult to know how to maneuver. I am there now for other reasons.

 

A man who wants a future with you actively creates a future with you. Making future plans, integrating lives in meaningful ways, etc.

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