LiteratePancake Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hi guys! So I recently started going out with this guy. We hit it off really quickly and things progressed a bit too quickly, but I had recently broken up and I guess I was rebounding and, as I learned later, he was too. I'm 100% over my ex, sometimes get curious to what he's up to, but except for checking his website twice since our breakup, I have had no desire to contact him (I blocked him everywhere, and don't answer his calls/texts). I was the one who broke up, and I was no longer in love when I did. As for him, he told me very early that he was still hanging out with his ex, going to dancing classes with her twice to 3 times a week. I didn't care much at first because he seemed pretty level headed about it, and that I had no problem with him still being friends with his ex as long as it was strictly friendly. He also said that his ex had asked him not to tell me about their past history, but he wanted to be honest and I appreciated that. A week after we started going out, he told me he had quite a big fight with his ex (she asked him for a favor which he couldn't do, and he was, according to him, a bit mean to her, and she basically blocked him on Facebook afterwards, which he realized when he wanted to message her an apology, but he ended up sending her a text telling her to keep the money she owed him as a goodbye gift). Well I wasn't unhappy about this development: the ex is now out of the picture. Nothing to be unhappy about. A week later I bought pizzas (he usually paid for the meals, but I don't see why I shouldn't), and he gave me a speech about how I shouldn't make too much of an effort for him. I asked him to elaborate because that sounded a lot like he didn't expect us to go anywhere so there was no point to me making efforts, he said that wasn't it, that he just wanted me to be myself (or something...). And one more week later, he calls me, and tells me about how he had been trying to recontact his ex (to apologize again, to ask how she's been) and that, since he needed the money he had lent her, he had tried using somebody else's phone in order to talk to her (she wouldn't answer his calls or his texts). He said that he had asked for his money but that she refused to give it back, and told him that he had made her go through the worst day of her life (the day they had their fight). He concluded that she was either crazy, or an idiot. He then kept going about the various faults she had: she drinks, she always looked down on him, she's unemployed, she's a cheater, and so on (he vented a bit, pretty much). I told him to just let it go (he said he was going to), that even as a friend, that girl was no good. Other than that, we see each other regularly (3 times a week), he calls me everyday, he's always considerate, very affectionate, etc... The part where he tried to recontact her bugs me. If he's not over his ex, I'd rather cut this short before I get too attached and end up burned or used as a buffer. Sorry for the long post, but I would really love an unbiased opinion!
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hi guys! So I recently started going out with this guy. We hit it off really quickly and things progressed a bit too quickly, but I had recently broken up and I guess I was rebounding and, as I learned later, he was too. I'm 100% over my ex, sometimes get curious to what he's up to, but except for checking his website twice since our breakup, I have had no desire to contact him (I blocked him everywhere, and don't answer his calls/texts). I was the one who broke up, and I was no longer in love when I did. As for him, he told me very early that he was still hanging out with his ex, going to dancing classes with her twice to 3 times a week. I didn't care much at first because he seemed pretty level headed about it, and that I had no problem with him still being friends with his ex as long as it was strictly friendly. He also said that his ex had asked him not to tell me about their past history, but he wanted to be honest and I appreciated that. A week after we started going out, he told me he had quite a big fight with his ex (she asked him for a favor which he couldn't do, and he was, according to him, a bit mean to her, and she basically blocked him on Facebook afterwards, which he realized when he wanted to message her an apology, but he ended up sending her a text telling her to keep the money she owed him as a goodbye gift). Well I wasn't unhappy about this development: the ex is now out of the picture. Nothing to be unhappy about. A week later I bought pizzas (he usually paid for the meals, but I don't see why I shouldn't), and he gave me a speech about how I shouldn't make too much of an effort for him. I asked him to elaborate because that sounded a lot like he didn't expect us to go anywhere so there was no point to me making efforts, he said that wasn't it, that he just wanted me to be myself (or something...). And one more week later, he calls me, and tells me about how he had been trying to recontact his ex (to apologize again, to ask how she's been) and that, since he needed the money he had lent her, he had tried using somebody else's phone in order to talk to her (she wouldn't answer his calls or his texts). He said that he had asked for his money but that she refused to give it back, and told him that he had made her go through the worst day of her life (the day they had their fight). He concluded that she was either crazy, or an idiot. He then kept going about the various faults she had: she drinks, she always looked down on him, she's unemployed, she's a cheater, and so on (he vented a bit, pretty much). I told him to just let it go (he said he was going to), that even as a friend, that girl was no good. Other than that, we see each other regularly (3 times a week), he calls me everyday, he's always considerate, very affectionate, etc... The part where he tried to recontact her bugs me. If he's not over his ex, I'd rather cut this short before I get too attached and end up burned or used as a buffer. Sorry for the long post, but I would really love an unbiased opinion! Oh yeah he is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo not over it. Go and find someone who doesn't have their ex hanging around! What an odd situation. From what you've said they don't have children, don't own a house together and actually have no ties. He has no reason to be around her bar choice. I think it's a sticky situation and one you shouldn't be in. He's not completely single clearly. 2
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yeah, run away and fast. It's for your own good . 2
almond Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I think you should talk to him about this. Sure, there is a chance that he is simply rebounding and not over his ex. The fact that they were still very much in contact, fighting, chasing etc. doesn't indicate that he was ready to cut ties completely. However, if he is now, there may be some hope. Sit him down, and state in no uncertain terms that you can not and will not continue to see him if he has any contact with his ex. Tell him that you will not emotionally invest in him if he is tied up in any way with another woman. This is to protect yourself, and is far from unreasonable. He will make his choice. If he refuses or claims that you're being unreasonable, then you have your answer. If he agrees, then good for you. May as well give it a go, unless you are deeply scared of the possibility that he may be rebounding, and it may not work. If that is the case and you feel you are not equipped to deal with that, then end it now. If he contacts his ex behind your back, you need to be prepared to end it straight away...make it a firm condition and stick to it. I don't necessarily think that this is doomed, but there are some things to sort out, and it would benefit you greatly to do this without delay. 1
Author LiteratePancake Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I think you should talk to him about this. Sure, there is a chance that he is simply rebounding and not over his ex. The fact that they were still very much in contact, fighting, chasing etc. doesn't indicate that he was ready to cut ties completely. However, if he is now, there may be some hope. Sit him down, and state in no uncertain terms that you can not and will not continue to see him if he has any contact with his ex. Tell him that you will not emotionally invest in him if he is tied up in any way with another woman. This is to protect yourself, and is far from unreasonable. He will make his choice. If he refuses or claims that you're being unreasonable, then you have your answer. If he agrees, then good for you. May as well give it a go, unless you are deeply scared of the possibility that he may be rebounding, and it may not work. If that is the case and you feel you are not equipped to deal with that, then end it now. If he contacts his ex behind your back, you need to be prepared to end it straight away...make it a firm condition and stick to it. I don't necessarily think that this is doomed, but there are some things to sort out, and it would benefit you greatly to do this without delay. I'll talk to him asap. Thank you very much for the great advice 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Run. Seriously. This guy is supposedly trying to date you, impress you, build a bond, and he's calling you up to trash his ex and talk over every single little details about their breakup and their relationship? He is just not that into you. If he was really interested in you sure, he might still have this ex drama going on in the background, but he'd be trying his best not to let it ruin this new potential relationship. He's treating you like his counsellor. 2
HappyLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 The day she calls and says she wants him back, he's gonna be ghost! He's not over her! 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 How much money does she owe him? And anyone that is taking dancing classes with their ex three times a week isn't someone you want to take seriously. 1
Author LiteratePancake Posted April 2, 2014 Author Posted April 2, 2014 So I followed almond's advice, sat him down and spoke my mind. I was pretty much ready to break up if I felt that he was still interested in his ex. He said that he didn't intend to contact her again, that he did, at first, want to stay friends with her but given the way she had behaved recently, he was better off staying as far away from her as possible. He was very calm about it, no much emotion going on, neither anger, nor melancholy or anything. He then started talking about us, how he really didn't want the stuff with his ex to ruin what we had. I might as well give it a go, but I'll be keeping my eye open for any weirdness. Since I hate it when I come across threads where the OP never updates their situation and you're left to wonder how it all ended (or didn't), I'll try and update with any development (whether I fall flat on my face or this ends happily). Thank you very much for all of your input!
mammasita Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 how I shouldn't make too much of an effort for him Men always tell you how they are up front - we usually choose not to listen. This guy just told you EXACTLY how to proceed. He is not invested in you at all. Sure he's playing the part. I had an ex that did the same. Told me he cheated, he was a douche at the very beginning. I ignored him because he played a sweet caring guy so well. 3 years later I realized I should have listened to what he said about himself (that's the key).
Gaeta Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 He said that he didn't intend to contact her again, that he did, at first, want to stay friends with her but given the way she had behaved recently, he was better off staying as far away from her as possible. You know he did not just want to stay friends with her. He was not over her and using the friend card was to remain in her life to possibly get back with her. So his attempts to stay friends with her didn't work and he's going to put that on the back burner. What do you think would have happened if she had been open to be *friends* with him? What I am saying is you are not his first choice, if he had his way he would be with her, guard your heart.
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 Don't emotionally invest too much into this guy. He needs to still go the extra the mile to prove that he's into YOU.
Author LiteratePancake Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 Hi again! I said I would update with any development, and I try to keep my word, so, here goes. I'm going to answer my own question here: when we started dating, he was definitely not over his ex. When I confronted him about it, he was already ready to cut ties and move on completely. Right now, everything is going smoothly. It won't necessarily end in marriage or anything, but whatever issue crops up won't have anything to do with the ex, she definitely belongs in the past. I'm not sure if this could be at all useful for anyone in the same situation. My first post was super negative, re-reading it now, I see I skimmed over important bits and focused on the ex thing, but I really didn't want to waste my time with a guy pining for some other girl. In any case, thank you all again for your input 1
Joaquin Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 That good it's all smoothed out. No point in having all these pesky doubts. Does he still hang out with and go dancing with his ex? Is he at long last done trying to "reconnect" with her while he is seeing you?
preraph Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Amid all the other subterfuge, when a guy tells you something along the line as you shouldn't invest much in him or that he's not good enough, either one, take that as gospel. He means he'd drop you in a second if he could somehow repair things with his ex. Meanwhile, you're good company and good for his ego during a bad time. Honestly, when I hear the situation you describe, to me it sounds almost more like maybe she was never as invested in him and he's been persistently trying to win her for some time. I wonder if they were ever a real couple or if she maybe lets him do things for her and give her money. I mean, they're awful domestic for a broken up couple. Yes lots of people can end up friends with their exes, but it's really not usually at an everyday contact level like that. Certainly don't stop dating other people on account of this guy.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 OP, not to rain on the parade here, but it's been less than a month since you first posted about this. It's positive that everything's smooth sailing for the moment, but err on the side of caution here. Barely any time has elapsed from this ex-drama to the present day. There is unfinished business between them. Not enough time has gone by for her to definitely "belong in the past," as you put it. The thing that would actually concern me most is his comment not to make much of an effort for him. His explanation for that makes zero sense. Listen to him and follow his advice for the time being. He's warning you not to get too involved. Are they still hanging out?
stillafool Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 And one more week later, he calls me, and tells me about how he had been trying to recontact his ex (to apologize again, to ask how she's been) and that, since he needed the money he had lent her, he had tried using somebody else's phone in order to talk to her (she wouldn't answer his calls or his texts). He said that he had asked for his money but that she refused to give it back, and told him that he had made her go through the worst day of her life (the day they had their fight). He concluded that she was either crazy, or an idiot.\ I don't think she's over him either. If their relationship was purely platonic she wouldn't get so upset over a fight they had and not want to take his calls. She is acting like she's still his gf. I'll bet when you came into the picture it made her secretly want him back. He may act more interested in you now that she is angry so he is not left with no one in the end. Be careful here because you haven't been dating him that long.
spiderowl Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 He's talking to you about issues with her. He's tried to recontact her, however hard it was to do so. He said something which you felt was a warning not to get too involved. You are right to pay attention to these signs that he may not be over her. If he was over her, he would have left her alone and written off any debts rather than bother. He's still seeking out ways to be in touch with her. That would worry me if I was involved with him.
ktya Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 You know he did not just want to stay friends with her. He was not over her and using the friend card was to remain in her life to possibly get back with her. This isnt neccesarily accurate. My ex fiance, I was with her for 9 years. I wanted to remain friends with her after the breakup. Didnt work out because she would reminsce about the old days when we were together when I wasnt single and would drop off the face of the earth when I was. Another ex, Laotian girl, I was completely over her but wanted to remain friends with after the breakup, got upset and I never talked to her again despite wanting to remain friends. My most recent ex, kid involved (not mine) I thoroughly intended to remain friends with her after the breakup, but those hopes were dashed when her new beau decided it was smarter to get the police involved every time she and I were within 500 feet of eachother (no, there was no abuse of any kind), making a friendship impossible. These three exes I fully wanted to remain friends, and just friends with. I was dating and/or attached with another girl during that time and had no intention of getting back together with them. The ex-fiancee perhaps but it wouldnt have been trip slip and fall back into her arms, it only would have happened if we had sat down and had a construction conversation about it and if we were on the same page we might have proceeded to start all over dating again. Just because I a guy wants to stay friends with an ex does NOT mean that he will fall back into her arms if she says boo. We get into serious relationships because we like someone and we become good friends as well as partners. Why some people can't just break up in a mature, adult way and feel the need to demonize their former partner is beyond me but it is all too common.
Hopeful30 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Honestly? And you're not going to like this but... sounds like he's just making excuses to see / talk to his ex and making it "okay" by telling you about it. If he was truly over her, he wouldn't bother with the dance classes and unless its a HUGE amount of money, he wouldn't bother getting back in touch. She keeps cutting ties and he is trying to maintain them. This alone should give you the answer.
Leigh 87 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Hi again! I said I would update with any development, and I try to keep my word, so, here goes. I'm going to answer my own question here: when we started dating, he was definitely not over his ex. When I confronted him about it, he was already ready to cut ties and move on completely. Right now, everything is going smoothly. It won't necessarily end in marriage or anything, but whatever issue crops up won't have anything to do with the ex, she definitely belongs in the past. I'm not sure if this could be at all useful for anyone in the same situation. My first post was super negative, re-reading it now, I see I skimmed over important bits and focused on the ex thing, but I really didn't want to waste my time with a guy pining for some other girl. In any case, thank you all again for your input Why even bother reading our advice when you don't listen. This guys is just not that into you. Guys who are smitten with a girl DO NOT go to weekly dance classes with an ex. A man will move mountains for a woman he is TRULY nuts about! Guys will generally do anything in their power to make things work with the girl they deem worthy; this includes cutting contacts with an ex. But you wont listen and you will find out one day in the future that he is just not head over heels for you.
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