Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Hello all, New to the forum and desperate for some help. I have a long term girlfriend and I really love her. I get extremely sad about the thought of being without her she feels the exact same way about me. In terms of chemistry, I dont see how it can get any better. It really does seem perfect. We have been living together peacefully for three years and are EXTREMELY attached to each other. We really haven't left each others side for more than a couple days over this time period. Here's the ONE problem. I know this is constantly discussed but we don't have sex anymore. Its been a really long time. As with most relationships, we were all over each other in the beginning, having sex multiple times a day ( we were in college). We graduated, moved in together, got jobs and things just settled down. The issue here isn't so much that we dont have sex. My biggest concern is that I don't know why I don't have the desire to do it with her anymore. I'm still pretty horny bit I just handle it myself and don't really try to do it with her anymore. There is NO DOUBT that I love her and she is amazing and my absolute best friend, so why don't I think about her like that anymore? I do think of other girls in my mind a lot ( like my exes) but my current gf is 1000x the person that any of them were and I wouldn't cheat. So why does my mind keep going there? What's wrong with me that everything seems so incredibly perfect in my relationship except the sex and I have just become ok with that? Thanks you all for your help.
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Never become ok with not having sex in your relationship, because it all goes downhill from here. This happens because it isn't something special anymore, it's like a routine now. Do something about that now! Because you'll lose her, trust me. Plan a romantic dinner just the two of you, it's better if you prepare the meal, and wait for her to come home. Use scented candles, even flowers and make an evening out of it. She will be surprised I promise you that. 2
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Have you eliminated all possible medical permutations? If you have, then I would think that the old crock, "Love you but not IN love with you any more" may be the culprit.... 2
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Have you eliminated all possible medical permutations? If you have, then I would think that the old crock, "Love you but not IN love with you any more" may be the culprit.... I agree with you, but I think that he should try one last time, and then count his losses.
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Have you eliminated all possible medical permutations? If you have, then I would think that the old crock, "Love you but not IN love with you any more" may be the culprit.... Definitely no medical issues
oz-missy Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I'm curious, when was the last time you guys had sex? A long time can be quite subjective.
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Never become ok with not having sex in your relationship, because it all goes downhill from here. This happens because it isn't something special anymore, it's like a routine now. Do something about that now! Because you'll lose her, trust me. Plan a romantic dinner just the two of you, it's better if you prepare the meal, and wait for her to come home. Use scented candles, even flowers and make an evening out of it. She will be surprised I promise you that. When it comes to doing nice, romantic things, I think I do a good job of that jut naturally. And if I wanted to have sex and tried for it, I know she would be open. The concern is that I don't look at her and truly want to have sex. I still find her attractive and in terms of being a companion/wife material, I couldn't ask for more. She's perfect in that regard. I'm just not sexually fired up with her anymore. If we did break up, I may have great sexual chemistry with someone else but I seriously doubt they would stack up in all other aspects of the relationship. Therein lies all the confusion..
melell Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I am more interested in how long this has been happening? I was with someone for around 7 years and it most definitely came in waves. Sometimes things got really mundane and the sex became monotonous, but all it took was a weekend away, or something even a tiny bit different to re-light the flame. And times where I would need to think of other things to get off was more a result of wanting things to be different, rather than not being into my partner.
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I'm curious, when was the last time you guys had sex? A long time can be quite subjective. Few months ago and the second to last time was a few months before that
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I am more interested in how long this has been happening? I was with someone for around 7 years and it most definitely came in waves. Sometimes things got really mundane and the sex became monotonous, but all it took was a weekend away, or something even a tiny bit different to re-light the flame. And times where I would need to think of other things to get off was more a result of wanting things to be different, rather than not being into my partner. started slowing down a couple years ago
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 started slowing down a couple years ago Been together four years total
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 When it comes to doing nice, romantic things, I think I do a good job of that jut naturally. And if I wanted to have sex and tried for it, I know she would be open. The concern is that I don't look at her and truly want to have sex. I still find her attractive and in terms of being a companion/wife material, I couldn't ask for more. She's perfect in that regard. I'm just not sexually fired up with her anymore. If we did break up, I may have great sexual chemistry with someone else but I seriously doubt they would stack up in all other aspects of the relationship. Therein lies all the confusion.. That means you've lost interest in her. What if you continue like this and 10 years from now you'll have sex once a year?
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 That means you've lost interest in her. What if you continue like this and 10 years from now you'll have sex once a year? I understand your point but I don't get how I can lose interest when she's perfect in literally every other way. Is it possible to force yourself to be sexually interested in someone? I do still want to have sex but her greatness in general has allowed me to overlook it without caring too much. I have been fantasizing about other girls more often ( don't all guys do this?) but I wouldn't act on those urges with anyone else. I know this is super weird to most of you and maybe even a no brainer to break up, I'm just still not sure what this means for the future or if there's still potential for a successful relationship in the coming years.
David87 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) I understand your point but I don't get how I can lose interest when she's perfect in literally every other way. Is it possible to force yourself to be sexually interested in someone? I do still want to have sex but her greatness in general has allowed me to overlook it without caring too much. I have been fantasizing about other girls more often ( don't all guys do this?) but I wouldn't act on those urges with anyone else. I know this is super weird to most of you and maybe even a no brainer to break up, I'm just still not sure what this means for the future or if there's still potential for a successful relationship in the coming years. If you love her then you don't fantasise about other girls... Edited April 1, 2014 by David87
oz-missy Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I understand your point but I don't get how I can lose interest when she's perfect in literally every other way. Is it possible to force yourself to be sexually interested in someone? I do still want to have sex but her greatness in general has allowed me to overlook it without caring too much. I have been fantasizing about other girls more often ( don't all guys do this?) but I wouldn't act on those urges with anyone else. I know this is super weird to most of you and maybe even a no brainer to break up, I'm just still not sure what this means for the future or if there's still potential for a successful relationship in the coming years. It's not super weird, it does happen. However you really should address the issue. It may not be a deal breaker now but if it continues it may lead to resentment on both sides. Maybe try some aphrodisiacs? See how that goes.
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 That's often what happens when you spend your every single moment with your mate, when you live connected by the hip, when you make them your 'best friend'. They stop being mysterious and sexual to you and become a *friend* or a *sibling*. Suggestion: Stop being best friends and start being lovers again. Have separate activities, separate lives and separate friends. You have to see her as a sexual woman again and not like a sister. If you must live separately and start dating again. 2
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I understand your point but I don't get how I can lose interest when she's perfect in literally every other way. Is it possible to force yourself to be sexually interested in someone? I do still want to have sex but her greatness in general has allowed me to overlook it without caring too much. I have been fantasizing about other girls more often ( don't all guys do this?) but I wouldn't act on those urges with anyone else. I know this is super weird to most of you and maybe even a no brainer to break up, I'm just still not sure what this means for the future or if there's still potential for a successful relationship in the coming years. You lose interest when you become over familiar with someone, and they change from being the light and love of your life, to becoming as habitual as that glorious warm, all-embracing overcoat you can't bear to get rid of. You want to revive your sexual feelings for her but here's the thing: You can't 'force' the urge to return. What you actually feel, is guilt. Guilt that you no longer want her 'in that way', guilt that she no longer floats your testosterone boat, and guilt that you can't manufacture or manifest the lust you once had for her, because your relationship has evolved and transformed from one of sexual desire to one of habitual comfortable companionship. And what you are trying to do, is to feel for her sexually, so that you don't lose the rest of her. What you actually want, is to feel a stirring in your loins for her, so that she doesn't call this a day. As inevitably will be the case if you can't generate the "I so wanna phukk you" desire you once had. You want to want her sexually, because you can't bear to risk losing the remainder. How close is that?
Author Fran.vasquez Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 You lose interest when you become over familiar with someone, and they change from being the light and love of your life, to becoming as habitual as that glorious warm, all-embracing overcoat you can't bear to get rid of. You want to revive your sexual feelings for her but here's the thing: You can't 'force' the urge to return. What you actually feel, is guilt. Guilt that you no longer want her 'in that way', guilt that she no longer floats your testosterone boat, and guilt that you can't manufacture or manifest the lust you once had for her, because your relationship has evolved and transformed from one of sexual desire to one of habitual comfortable companionship. And what you are trying to do, is to feel for her sexually, so that you don't lose the rest of her. What you actually want, is to feel a stirring in your loins for her, so that she doesn't call this a day. As inevitably will be the case if you can't generate the "I so wanna phukk you" desire you once had. You want to want her sexually, because you can't bear to risk losing the remainder. How close is that? Unfortunately, pretty spot on as was the post before yours. The one thing I will add is that I'm not really worried about her leaving. As you mentioned, we are extremely comfortable and couldn't stand to be apart. I do think she may feel the way that I currently feel so i dont know what that means for the future. I just know we are happy now. We haven't actually admitted to this issue out loud. we both know its missing but other than sex, things are perfect. I don't think we know what it means to admit that we are more like companions and not lovers. I think we both have this "we'll figure it out attitude" but we are getting older and that part of the relationship shows no signs of change. So since your post was accurate and insightful (exactly what I joined for, thank you), do you have any advice on a solution? Would love to hear your input
TaraMaiden Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 When the sex is fine, it occupies 5% of thoughts about the relationship. When the sex ISN'T fine, it occupies 95% of thoughts about the relationship. This will eventually become that old chestnut, 'The Elephant In The Room'. I hate to say it, but delaying discussing this now, and how in future it may well adversely affect your relationship, is only going to feed that elephant until it becomes 'rogue'. You need to discuss this with her, sooner rather than later. You need to admit to her that it's playing on your mind, and that you see it becoming an issue. And please, for the love of mike, don't let her dismiss it, or tell you to not be silly, or not to worry, it will be ok.... she can't, you're not and it won't. 1
Recommended Posts