So I'm here...your would be appreciated!

[AtTheStart]

So hello,

 

Ive read a lot on the boards and my mind is swimming with what seems like incredibly SOUND advice: I don't know what I am asking, if Im even asking a question?

 

So let me just tell you my story and perhaps someone can shed some insight.

 

So my girlfriend is 22, I am 29...late bloomer! I am definitely her first love...and the experience with her has kinda taught me that she is mine. Thought I was in love before but not like this.

 

We dated for about 20 months. Yes yes, was magical the whole time. We're both finishing up college and I am of the mind of a young 20 something in that there is WAY too much adventure to be settling down soon. She is of the same mindset. Whereas I feel pretty confident about discovering myself, she is slowly becoming self-assured of herself and not so terrified of the process of discovering herself. I know society suggests I be married with kids by now but NOPE, not for me yet. So I know "emotionally unavailable" is a purple dragon of a concept to most on this board but due to significant trauma...she was pretty much emotionally unavailable until we started dating...started off as friends for the first 5 months. Was a beautiful transformation from friendship to relationship. She definitely is scared from a lot of self-harm she's still trying to overcome. I COMPLETELY accept her as she is. Love her with all my heart. She's so lovable, just is still trying to learn to love herself.

 

I think if anything our relationship empowered her...even if it empowered her away from me. I know she doesn't know what she wants out of life. And through trying to show her how lovable she is...I definitely smothered her. In truth it stifled my growth too. As a lot do, I lost myself, my identity in the relationship and i kinda loathe people who are very "us!". I think a relationship should be "you & I". So she moved 30 minutes away, I visited a bunch...things were blissful but I started to not *listen* when she said the relationship scares her, that she's not good belonging to people, that she needs to discover herself, and that I am her soulmate and even if we parted she knows she'd always come back to me. She even said, "i recognize that if I think that way, I shouldnt let anything get between that, but still it feels like I need to." Now enter her new friend who is confident, probably will make more money than me, and is pretty cocky, but I can admit probably seems exciting to most girls. I don't like this guy simply because I know he used to get physically and verbally abusive to his last girlfriend. I inquired about him, she stated he's just a new friend I met in my new town, she didn't want me to get mad so wouldn't be forthcoming about when they'd hang out, watched a couple movies with her roommate present, and would even go out drinking. I didnt like that I felt like I had to ask her about this guy but she wasnt being forthcoming.

 

She actually told me "pssh, he's a little fruity, he's definitely not as attractive as you, you have nothing to worry about, he knows Im dating you" If he was an influence at all, I doubt this guy was the absolute catalyst for our breakup. Probably an influence though. If anything the embodiment of excitement. She could very well date him, if he's her "true" one then she's not going to become who I thought she was...Luckily I think she'll figure him (or likeminded people) out sooner than later.

 

I recognize we had recently left the honeymoon phase and into the attachment...which she wasnt ready for. Hell I wanted to be excited still and not in the attachment phase but it just happened. It'll happen. 2 weeks ago she said we "needed a break". I cried. She had angst on her face. But if I smothered then I actually am proud of her to say "I cant handle this relationship". Im really close with her family. They love me and said they were shocked, could see nothing wrong with our relationship, and that they think she's just scared. I see them, they initiate talking with me about "has she talked with you?" I say no, it's only been two weeks though so not expecting her to figure everything out by then, wouldnt trust her if she said she had probably). I want to give her the space she needed (really, I do honor her as a person so if it's space she needs, space she will get in abundance! I know if anything she needs to figure stuff out on her own...without any influence from me), I ask if she's doing alright. Today her dad confusingly asked, "she hasnt talked to you?" Question to the board, would you think she's still figuring out stuff or just "Im not going to contact him because I dont have answers, moreso I dont want to see his hurt"?

 

So we both did decide to reengage after 2 weeks. I texted today just to say (paraphrase), "Hi. Just know Im not mad or hurt. The comms lines are open if/ when you want. I know texting isnt honoring the space you need so will let you initiate in the future. Just wanted to say Hi. and let you know the above" I thought it polite but was that a mistake? She didnt reply. Im not impatient though. Just wondering if it was a mistake.

 

So my questions are, with your experience... If a relationship was good but maybe not the right time and I smothered her, but maintain no contact...will a girl eventually look favorably on it after healing? Im going to move on, let both of us be free. In truth I hope we grow into completely different people (I definitely will date others in time!) who eventually (years) get to have a new "first date". Its scary to know either might become someone even MORE incompatible...but SHE IS AWESOME. So much so that if I were single...I definitely would be open to experiencing a mature her and getting to know her again. I love her so much that I don't want anything that I don't want for myself...which is to become and be self-accepted for whoever it is you are at any moment. I love her to the point that I dont need her (stifled by me or not figuring herself out by me being around) to love her, which is why i realized i have true love for her. I NEED her to figure herself out, even if never in my life again. My sadness comes from feeling like I was her "while Im learning to love myself" relationship and now that Im beginning too, you dont excite me. I know emotions change and I shouldve done more to nurture/excite that I guess. Im not going to be her backup plan though either, Ill mourn what was broken between us and move on.

 

Ok, I just now realized I've been rambling! Sorry!!!! I know you know where my head is at. Juuuuust trying to make sense of what is happening. If you took the time to shuffle through all that. Thank you. Know that I love you and wherever your head is at at the moment, I have your back too!

[Trovador]

Well, it seems you are ahead in the game and surprisingly show a good deal of maturity in relation to your break up...

 

As you know by now, contacting her was useless, especially because she clearly asked you for space and you didn't respect that... her space also means her dad, her website, her dog, etc... not only she doesn't want now to know about you, it will be infinitely better for you if you disappear of her world... sometimes, or most times really, people fall out of love and one can't do anything about it... stop blaming yourself or the gremlins or whatever (but I think that guy had a lot to do with the bu)... the truth is that the deed is done (no pun here) and you have to go on in life...

 

Don't hold your breath expecting for her to come back in the future... these things rarely happen in real life... anyway, some day you will realize you are better without this person who, in fact, didn't want you in her life...

 

Live the best, day by day, my friend...

[AtTheStart]

Thank you! Really does help me to logically cope! And I really do believe in the power of personal transformation through this.

 

Im about to start my career! Been hitting the gym to improve my physical and mental state...not that it was bad, just who can't always use improving, also helps me to focus on me considering I felt like I lost myself in a relationship.

 

Soon I'll remember that hey, Im someone no one will give up! And if the hypothetical I posed were to come true...it'll take a long hard look at whoever she's become to get me receptive. In truth, I am too forgiving...still the transformation of this experience will leave me with a greater love of myself.

 

But again, thank you my new friend! All perspectives on this are blessed ones.

[Chi townD]

My problem is with this other dude. Funny how she wants a break when this douche rocket comes into the picture. You inquire about him and she downplays him. But, I find it a bit weird that when this guy comes into the picture, she needs "time and space" to "discover herself".

 

 

Another red flag for me is her family that you've talked to. They asked you if "Have you talked to her?". To me, it sounds like they know something that you don't and they don't know what's safe to talk to you about. Therefore, they're trying to gage what you know and what you don't.

 

 

Therefore, I hate to say it, but I think she's hooking up with "fruity boy". Sorry dude.

[AtTheStart]

Im not downplaying anything about what could be happening. We decided to "take a break...for 2 weeks or longer if needed". I sent her the above text, she didn't reply. Whether she's still figuring it out or moved on....she definitely sent a message that Im not talking to you right now.

 

I can see what you're saying, but it was her dad who ran into me in public and initiated, Im not seeking them out. In fact I even told them I don't want her thinking Im trying to insert myself in her life by talking to you. She doesn't talk to her dad about anything relationship-y.... so he said he was "shocked. I don't know whats going on. I think she's just scared. Really, she hasn't talked to you?" So in a sense I think if there was/is some bull going on...she's keeping it quiet from even them. If it is the case, she knows that they'll have a hard time ever respecting him knowing this started while I was here. Sure, if they ended up the loves of each others lives they would, but until that a long hard road...

 

Im not dwelling on this, just vomiting the thoughts out. Thank you for the communication you two...keep it going if you think you have any more amazing insight.

[Chi townD]

Well, in my experience. Taking a break=breaking up. So, don't kid yourself there.

 

 

Normally, when you see a "taking a break" scenario with a timeline attached to it, there's usually someone else that they are interested in. And they want to pursue this other person without any inference from you. So, the go and hook up with this person and try to see if they want to enter into a relationship with them. If the discover that the person is interested, the our Ex's make the "taking a break" more permanent.

 

 

But, if this guy hits it and quits it but doesn't want anything more than that; well, she has you waiting on the sidelines and still clueless. Then, she can come back and say, "Okay! Breaks over! I love you again!"

 

 

And if you find out what happened during the break; well, you can't get mad because, "We were on a break! So, technically I didn't cheat on you! We weren't together!"

 

 

Don't you love technicalities!

[somegoodman]

Yup, she's planning on jumping on another dick soon. She probably cheated on you to.

 

Disappear and never talk to her again. She'll come looking for you eventually. Enjoy watching her meltdown when you give her nothing but radio silence.

[AtTheStart]

She definitely doesn't have me clueless (respectfully). I do want to state I no way would "take her back". I totally understand she is at an age & without the experience of developed concepts such as loyalty, communication, etc. Fundamental backbones of individuals that are necessitated for a relationship. Sure she could have developed them, but didn't, doesnt want to yet, doesnt want to with me! Ive accepted that. Believe me I am embracing and empowered by the thought, "she is never coming back" because who she is wasn't right for me. She's gotta find herself out and develop it for herself. Mistakes, joys, and all. So Im not looking at her with blinders on...I realize she's scared, flippant, and just downright 22! I've no idea what type of person she'll become...yet I know she'll come out on the good end. She does have character, morals, and really is an awesome person. She just can't accept that. She does a lot of self damage. So of course until she loves herself, she'll likely not find "love" with me or anybody.

 

The funny thing is... I've been realized I have real love for her. Kinda like the saying "if you love someone, let them go..." except Im not AT ALL hinging on the "...if they return." I embrace that she's never going to return...because I don't want the her she is back. I don't want her to back stifled, and resentful by me....Ill find someone who isnt and who I have greater love for. So by all means, if she wants to go out and date idiots or awesome people...that's totally her prerogative.

 

If this theoretical other guy is now happening, I guess now Im wondering why the hell someone so opposite her and downright a ****bag, besides charming, appeals? I guess I know that answer, the excitement.

 

Ultimately I want her to know "hey, I let you go...because I do love you. I don't need you in my life for that to be real." But I guess for that to truly be real....I can't communicate that. Still I feel slighted like "dont think you broke my heart!" Plus now I am pissed I broke the mentioned no contact once. Even "explanatory" it does communicate "I just couldn't give you space."

[AtTheStart]

She definitely doesn't have me clueless (respectfully). I do want to state I no way would "take her back". I totally understand she is at an age & without the experience of developed concepts such as loyalty, communication, etc. Fundamental backbones of individuals that are necessitated for a relationship. Sure she could have developed them, but didn't, doesnt want to yet, doesnt want to with me! Ive accepted that. Believe me I am embracing and empowered by the thought, "she is never coming back" because who she is wasn't right for me. She's gotta find herself out and develop it for herself. Mistakes, joys, and all. So Im not looking at her with blinders on...I realize she's scared, flippant, and just downright 22! I've no idea what type of person she'll become...yet I know she'll come out on the good end. She does have character, morals, and really is an awesome person. She just can't accept that. Me saying that isn't declaring "she's awesome for breaking up with me and Im a chump!" Just she's being true to who she is...someone who doesnt have any idea what the hell she is/wants. She does a lot of self damage. So of course until she loves herself, she'll likely not find "love" with me or anybody.

 

The funny thing is... I've been realized I have real love for her. Kinda like the saying "if you love someone, let them go..." except Im not AT ALL hinging on the "...if they return." I embrace that she's never going to return...because I don't want the her she is back. I don't want her to back stifled, and resentful by me....Ill find someone who isnt and who I have greater love for. So by all means, if she wants to go out and date idiots or awesome people...that's totally her prerogative.

 

If this theoretical other guy is now happening, I guess now Im wondering why the hell someone so opposite her and downright a ****bag, besides charming, appeals? I guess I know that answer, the excitement.

 

Ultimately I want her to know "hey, I let you go...because I do love you. I don't need you in my life for that to be real." But I guess for that to truly be real....I can't communicate that. Still I feel slighted like "dont think you broke my heart!" Plus now I am pissed I broke the mentioned no contact once. Even "explanatory" it does communicate "I just couldn't give you space."

[AtTheStart]

Can't remove the first post....2nd one is more thorough with my thoughts.

 

I just am still dealing with the WTFs....of getting insanely loving pictures, kisses, texts, etc....2 weeks ago....to FLIP.

[noob_saibot]

the only thing i can say is that she is still young. she loves you but she probably needs that point of freedom. like you once had when you were her age. the world is calling her and it was eating her alive it was either now., or never!

[AtTheStart]

Noob,

 

Bingo. I truly hope that's the case. Not at all because it gives me any false hope but because that's what really is in my heart. Of course I don't want her to date people that will treat her like crap in the long haul but she has to find that out herself.

 

Do you think a girl would be able to communicate that? I guess if the overall thought you stated is manifest in "life is calling....and it is embodied in this fn moron over here!" she wouldn't be able to communicate that with me. Just it kills me for her to think Im broken over this, Im not, I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess I don't want her to have a lesser than perception of me. But that's not for her to know if she doesn't want to and not owed by me. Still though, don't want her thinking Im broken.

[Trovador]

It's curious how you don't refer to her as your ex, I guess a bit of detachment wouldn't be so harmful to you at this time... something like "relationship weaning"... as a matter of fact, there is no relationship as we speak, right?

 

You are also worried about what she might think of you, based on what? Do you see each other or are there mutual friends in the picture?

 

I have nothing against age gaps in relationships (I myself have dated some girls 10+ years my junior) but the younger party needs a lot of maturity to handle this difference, I think this is playing against you, as girls at that age still want to play the field, again is a matter of maturity...

 

Take things slowly, relax, there are worse things than a broken relationship and what now seems to us as a big deal, soon we will see that it didn't kill us, just made us stronger...

[AtTheStart]

Oh yes totally, EX! She is definitely my EX! Sorry, I was just talking about her...me. Both as individuals who WERE in that relationship.

 

UPDATE tho....I guess it is bound that yeah we will run into each other. Mutual friends and what not.

 

So I was just leaving the library by my house and she was turning in...cept clearly noticed, oh! that's his car! and drove past the entrance (a little bit wrecklessly and turned down the next street)

 

Do you think she's (My EX! ) scared of me? ALL the time she'd say that I did scare her, that she's scared of love, so scared of what I embody. I know she did love me.

 

Guys, girls....can you shed light on fear of a relationship / fear of love? Having understood I realized I lost myself in the relationship could she now be terrified of me if she started to feel herself get lost?

 

Im just trying to gain further insight for future relationships and just logically try to figure out this last one. I know...Ill never get full clarity. Just working through the thoughts.

[AtTheStart]

And Im not deflecting the potential issue of "the other boob" guy mentioned above. Ive explored that possibility. Considering i'll never concretely know...as Im going to disappear from contacting her, Ill just consider that a likely possibility.

 

Really though I do think she's scared. Hopefully not now terrified. Of what I dont know?

[Trovador]

First and foremost, stop tormenting yourself with thoughts of what could have been or whether the blame was hers or yours (probably of both)... stop thinking of what she is thinking, doing or who is she banging... stop the madness, my friend...

 

Your only responsibility now is You...

 

Quit... go cold turkey, your "tomorrow yourself" will thank you one day! (ripping shamelessly off How I met your mother, he he... In fact, watching a pair of sitcoms might help you a bit... laughter is the best medicine (ripping off Readers Digest now)