DogsAreLove Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 So I think I'm being 3-day rule'd. Maybe 4 day rule'd (that seems to be this guy's pattern through text anyways). Met him online, talked for a few weeks, had a date planned for 2 weeks and during that we had a few convo's here and there followed by a 4-day silence. So I think 4 is his magic number or something. We went on our first date Friday. It was awesome, he was awesome, he thought I was awesome, he said he really wanted to ask me out again, walked me to my car at the end of the night etc. I didn't over-share, didn't talk about exes, I followed Sherry Argov's advice, etc, and I haven't heard from him and it's pretty much been 3 days. W-T-H. I get it's really bad for the girl to "follow up" after the first date, I don't want to seem "desperate" or anything, so I've abstained from contacting him. I'm actually quite interested in him though and from my over-analysis of the situation, I may have seemed disinterested at certain points and I could see how he may have interpreted some things as dis-interest but still he should man up right? My question is how long do I give him? AND, should he contact me within a week, how do I respond to that? Do I wait 3-4 days or however long it took him to get back to me just to "play the game" right? And I'm only okay with "playing the game" because I used to ignore the "game" and that screwed me over every time so I guess it's time I play it by the rules! Trust me I used to think this game crap was stupid, but I broke every rule in the game and now I see how that got me nowhere, so at this point I see the value of the game. Also, because I can see how he may think I wasn't interested, do I send him a casual text at some point saying "hey how did the rest of your weekend go?" or something of that nature and take it from there? Or does that reek of desperation too? Do I just cut my losses and say NEXT? I'm new to abiding by the rules so any help would be appreciated lol.
Stay Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 There are no rules. Please don't think of it like that, he could be busy and not have time to give you his attention so he rather not give any. If you want to contact him first then go ahead, just don't say anything that may make you sound desperate and may turn him off. You sound like you need to keep busy yourself, these things shouldn't be on your mind if you have a lot of things going on in your life.
ponchsox Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I believe the man should always be the initiator. If you haven't heard from hit yet, that could be a sign he's not interested. I've always called my date the next day to tell her what a great time we had and plan something if I'm interested. Then again, I don't beat around the bush or play games. 2
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 The date was followed by 4 days silent? You mean you did not message him after the date to thank him again?? 3
Author DogsAreLove Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I believe the man should initiate too. I thanked him when he paid, and when we said our goodbyes after the date. Sending another thank you text after is overkill. According to the dating rules sending the thank you text is one of the worst things you can do. It's been 3 days, I'll give him another 2 days before I write him off as not interested I guess :-P But then I'm just not sure if I should say SOMETHING (non-desperate of course) after like a week or so just in case he really did think I wasn't interested. This is too complicated.
WP4046 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I believe the man should initiate too. I thanked him when he paid, and when we said our goodbyes after the date. Sending another thank you text after is overkill. According to the dating rules sending the thank you text is one of the worst things you can do. It's been 3 days, I'll give him another 2 days before I write him off as not interested I guess :-P But then I'm just not sure if I should say SOMETHING (non-desperate of course) after like a week or so just in case he really did think I wasn't interested. This is too complicated. It's not complicated, no contact=no interest 7
Stay Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I believe the man should initiate too. I thanked him when he paid, and when we said our goodbyes after the date. Sending another thank you text after is overkill. According to the dating rules sending the thank you text is one of the worst things you can do. It's been 3 days, I'll give him another 2 days before I write him off as not interested I guess :-P But then I'm just not sure if I should say SOMETHING (non-desperate of course) after like a week or so just in case he really did think I wasn't interested. This is too complicated. Not a thank you text but usually if you genuinely had a good time you can send a "I had a great time" text
Author DogsAreLove Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 Fair enough, I guess I will assume he isn't interested then. I told him I had a great time at the end of the date too so I don't know I feel silly repeating myself. If he's into me he should be initiating contact. I'm thinking back to guys who I had no interest in, blatantly told them I had no interest in them, and they continued to try and make contact even weeks later. So yeah. I think the no contact=no interest thing makes sense even if I feel like maybe I seemed disinterested at some points. I'm going to let it be! :-)
Sweetnothing Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yeah men really aren't that complicated. If he's acting like this one chances are it won't get much better. Some men follow certain rules if they really like a girl, but it sounds like this guy is just keeping it super low-key. It's possible that he's dating a few other girls or he's just not prioritizing dating right now. Guys who want to develop a serious relationship will communicate regularly and consistently and will ask you on a second date at the end of the first date or within the next couple days. If the wait period between your conversations is bothering you, then this guy probably isn't a match for you. Sounds like you're interested in pursuing a relationship. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't get strung along by guys who aren't. It's simple. If he keeps it up and you're not satisfied with his lack of communication then all you have to do is tell him "I'm getting the impression that you're not really looking for a commitment. I'm not saying I want to rush into anything, but I'm at the point in my life where I'm more interested in eventually developing a relationship. I think you're a cool dude and you have every right to date casually, but there's no point in dating if we're not on the same page" You don't give him an ultimatum, you don't get all emotional and demanding, you treat it like a business deal. Then he'll either agree with you or say "wait no! I want that too!" Either way it'll clear things up without having that awkward "so where is this going?" talk that every man seems to dread 2
angel.eyes Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I got a headache reading through the OP. Sorry! Engaging in games will get you nowhere IMO. Instead, learn to look for signs that the guy is interested. (You've experienced that before.) That worked for me. When guys were interested, they contacted me the same night or the next day. They also maintained a constant flow of communication. Radiosilence generally means lack of interest, or at best, ambivalence. Neither that nor game playing goes anywhere healthy or substantial from my observations. Just focus on guys who are genuinely interested and excited about dating you. Dating is enjoyable and a lot of fun when you do that.
writergal Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 If a guy is really interested he's not going to wait 4 hours or 4 days to contact you for a second date. Dating was so much easier before cellphones and the internet got involved. Sounds like he's not interested or you would have already heard from him. Don't text him either. There's no point. 2
InnocentMan Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Could just be a Mexican stand-off. See who blinks first. It's all a bit childish. If you like someone, after a date, just text them. The next day or whenever you feel like it. He may be used to women always texting him first, and is wondering why you haven't. If you texted him in the first few days, if he likes you, he would answer, if only to say he's really busy or whatever. The longer it goes, the more awkward it will be when someone does finally crack. 3
thecrucible Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I don't think it's too clingy to say thank you after a date. I do it as a matter of courtesy and it lets the guy know I'm certainly interested in seeing him again without being over the top. I just say something like..."Thanks for taking me out. It was fun :)". Then the ball is in his court. Men need to feel appreciated too. Too much playing hard to get becomes irritating for some guys. 2
Lyn77 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Unfortunately, I have to agree..sounds like he is not interested. I went through a smiliar situation, and let me tell ya, it just got worse. I was always the one initiating. I realized he just wasn't into me. The guy will always go after what he wants..if he wants it bad enough. You deserve that kind of guy, not one that will string you along for 3-4 days
patrol Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I agree with everybody else . I don't know about other guys but if I don't want to go on date #2 and I can't say it to her face when we have dinner, I usually shoot her a text saying that I had a good time but I didn't feel a real connection. Usually I don't get a response back but sometimes I get a thank you.
Versacehottie Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 i do agree that it becomes sort of a mexican standoff. I think it's great modern manners to text to say thank you in 1st 24 hours of the date. But don't hint at planning the next date, let him do that. After that 1st 24 hours have passed, I think getting in contact with the guy can read desperate. So I wouldn't recommend that. A guy KNOWS what to do and WILL do it if interested. I have a few examples of where a guy waits more than 4 days, weeks, even months (yes months!!) to get back in touch and interested and things work out BUT i don't want to get your hopes up. Those are rare and few and far between. Better to assume he's not interested----until he is. It will be a pleasant surprise if he reaches out if you are still in the same mindset about him. My advice is put him on way back burner and date others. Good luck:) 1
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 As a man, I've NEVER gone on a date with someone I'm interested in and then not contacted them for days afterwards. This guy is not into you. 1
Gaeta Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Throw that rule book away, haven't you read the book about not following rule books? Any man playing these games with me got left behind in the dust. After 3-4 days I have already moved to the next guy. Anyway, if the man paid I always always send him a text later to thank him again. If I am interested I will tell him I had a great time and if ever he wants to do this again it would be my pleasure. 99% of the time I get a second date offer. 2
SoonMyFriend Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Ugh "rules". Seriously. At this point, I agree you need to cut your losses, but I think you could have sent a thank you text, or something... if I were in your shoes I would have, especially since he paid. But don't follow these stupid rules... just go with your gut and what you want to do that will make you happy and find the right person. Don't jerk someone around just because a book told you to.
PegNosePete Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I believe the man should initiate too. I thanked him when he paid, and when we said our goodbyes after the date. Sending another thank you text after is overkill. According to the dating rules sending the thank you text is one of the worst things you can do. Rules rules rules. What are your rules doing for you? They have brought you to an internet site, asking strangers if some guy that we don't know is interested in you or not. I think it's time to reassess how those rules are working for you. Do you really think that, if you sent a thank-you text, he would say "oh she sent a thank-you text that is against rule 473.34b, I'm not going to text her for 7.3 days now"? Or would he think "hey she sent me a text awesome I'll text her back and ask her out again"? I know I would. It's not complicated at all. It's basic human communication. If your rules are impeding that communication then it's time to re-think your rules. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I believe the man should initiate too. I thanked him when he paid, and when we said our goodbyes after the date. Sending another thank you text after is overkill. According to the dating rules sending the thank you text is one of the worst things you can do. It's been 3 days, I'll give him another 2 days before I write him off as not interested I guess :-P But then I'm just not sure if I should say SOMETHING (non-desperate of course) after like a week or so just in case he really did think I wasn't interested. This is too complicated. It shouldn't be complicated. I'm a guy and didn't play the silly ANY-day rule. I believe texting right after a date is pretty normal, so scrap the dating rules book. You're already stuck in rules. If a guy is really interested, he will text whenever. He's either playing games or found or dating someone else.
MidwestUSA Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Why would someone say, on a first date, that he 'really wanted to ask you out again'? Why not just do it, then and there? He had a chance to cool off. Maybe a text "I really had a great time" would have helped. Maybe not. You may have come across as cold and indifferent because you were too involved, in your head, with conforming to the rules. Rip up the rule book. 1
TXGuy Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I think if a woman knows she would like a second date, she should send a short text the same night or next morning. Something along the lines of 'I had a good time' or 'thanks for the' drinks/dinner/puttputt. This is particularly true if it is a night date. It is not particularly relevant for a daytime coffee date. I generally don't set up date two until after date one unless I happen to already know of something good in the near future (seldom happens). If I want a second date, I will take whatever I learned about her from date one and search the city paper or google equivalent to try to find something we would both like. After I have a good plan, I would call for date two. I prefer that to setting 'something' up for xxxday. If the date and the girl were both exceptional, it wouldn't matter if she texted. But exceptional doesn't happen very often. If the date and the girl were pleasant, I'd do a bit more analysis. If the date ended in a kiss and I got a text, I'd probably ask for date two. If there was no kiss and no text, I would likely conclude there was little chemestry and she had little interest and not ask for date two. This isn't a hard and fast rule for me, but generally how it works out.
Fondue Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 You're reading too many dating rules/guides that it's actually ruining your dating life. I think you kind of shot yourself in the foot when you didn't send him a thank you text the following day. It's just a polite thing to do-- especially if he paid for the date. Every girl that I met online I paid for on our dates. Everyone texted me the next day thanking me. It was nice. Regardless of how I felt about them, I felt appreciated. If it so happened that they wouldn't have done that, I would have never considered getting in contact with them ever again. I would find them to be rude, entitled, and simply not interested in me. 1
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