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Posted

I've been dating someone for a little over two months, it's the first time I've been going out with someone for more than 3 dates. I went through a ninth date and told her while I was taking her back home from dinner and movie with a few of my friends. I told her that I had feelings for her that time. As a result on my way home she sends me a text asking for space from hanging out. I over reacted to that and argued a little for a while. She later tells me a few days ago that I shouldn't say I love someone unless I'm certain that she could reciprocate those feelings.

 

I think I still have a chance with her but I probably upset her today by forcing a conversation out of her before she was ready. It's been about 5 days since the movie date. When someone asks for space how long do these things usually go for?

 

She doesn't like to have someone put time constraints on her. I've been in a horrible depression since that night and it's the reason I contacted her, I wasn't able to sleep well and had to force myself to eat. Thankfully, the short amount of time of her willing to talk to me made me feel better. I think I may have further damaged my chances with her however.

 

I'm looking for advise on this, should I just completely stay out of contact until she says something?

 

I'm deeply interested in her, and she's the first person I've dated in over 2 years past the first date. The time with her made me realize just how pathetic I felt when I was single for so long, I can't imagine myself going back to that life. I'm simply too picky and she matches almost every criteria I have towards someone. To me, moving on isn't an option if something could be done.

Posted

I have some questions because you seem very young and inexperienced. How old are you? You told her you love her? You didn't say you said that but her response did.

 

You said, "I can't imagine myself going back to that life" of being single. As harsh as this may sound, get use to it, how can you be in a relationship when you can't even take care and be happy by yourself?

 

And yes if she isn't feeling you, move on. Stop being so desperate, there are so many more girls out there.

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Posted

Sadly I'm not young, I'm 30 years old. I was bullied in high school and it left me socially awkward when it came towards trying to get know people for a long time. I've been a loner in college, I tried going on dates here and there, none of them interested me, nor were they interested in me. It took me until about 5 years ago to find myself and what I should seek in a woman to hold my interest.

 

I'm not shallow with appearance for the most part. The thing is, if I think they are boring or uninteresting I can't make it last.

 

I did tell her I loved her, but the timing likely was off.

 

I had this weird phase for the last few years where I was interested in a few people in a close circle of friends but I hopelessly friendzoned them and waited too long, both are now in relationships, left me feeling hopeless towards finding anyone and I was single for about a year.

 

I can take care of myself as being single. I lived well with it for over 3 years by myself. I was starting to accept the fact that I may never find anyone for two reasons. One, I'm too shy to simply ask out people in person. Secondly with online dating, I'm too freakin' picky, I had too many failed launches because I just don't have anything to talk about. Since I am so vastly inexperienced with dating I never felt anything towards one person for anything longer than a couple of weeks, and nothing before this person actually had me feel anything towards them.

 

I got a little too used to notion of having someone else that actually matter to me at an emotional level, and now I'm just waiting to hear back from her from this point. I don't know how long I am willing to wait, or will have to wait. I don't want to try my luck anymore times contacting her before she's ready.

 

I think she has feelings for me, but this may be more of a "back the hell off reaction". Her explanation to me, since she basically had to break it down for me. Is she thinks I fell in love too easily and would probably stray too easily. I don't know if she's testing if I would leave her, if she just wants to collect her thoughts. She just got out of a relationship and was cheated on, she never told me how long ago that was, but I assume it was probably within a month of her first contacting me over a website.

Posted

I wouldn't contact her again. Let her contact you. She may. She may not.

 

In the meanwhile, focus on staying busy...with hobbies, your friends, sports, etc.

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Posted

pcz, I have a little more faith in her than that. We've done too much for each other for her to just try to phase me out in such a harsh manner. She will still respond to me, and I can still she her closed Facebook posts. In other words, she hasn't shut me out completely. I don't think she's friended with any of her previous exes. I'm confident she'll give me a response, I just don't know when or what.

 

Saying that is too much of a generalization.

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Posted

Angel eyes, thanks, I was thinking the same thing as well. I spent the last 3-4 days obsessing over her Facebook log activities. I couldn't sleep and I was forcing myself to eat. I'm going to start working on some art project that will take me a 2-3 weeks to complete. Based on how long we've been together, I figure if she doesn't give me any response by the time I finish it, I'll gradually have to accept and try my best to move on. The whole thought of that scares me though.

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Posted

It sounds like she's not feeling it as much as you, and she's right when she said you should be able to pick up her signals. You're next contact should be major back-tracking, if there's any chance of it continuing. She's asked for space, so give her it. If she doesn't contact you first, it's probably doomed.

 

Throwing a message out there after a week or two, explaining you were a bit rash is your only hope, but it's a slim one. Suggest a mini date, like a quick coffee, etc. Something you can both easily escape from.

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Posted

InnocentMan thanks for the advice, but unfortunately there is no such thing as a date in which she can easily escape from. She doesn't own a car, has a slight disability that doesn't allow her to walk for long distances, and she has to live with her mother whom never approves anyone she dates (She's my age, but for reasons outside her control she was forced into that living situation)... Any neutral location we meet at requires me to drive to her and pick her up and take her there...

 

But the idea of keeping it simple, I'll take that to heart, I'll take her to favorite diner.

Posted

I hope all works out for you. Perhaps because of being single for so long, you got slightly carried away with your feelings. I wonder if she knows that or understands that that is a factor. Possibly because you had in your mind the idea of the perfect girl, you might have put your early dating relationship on a bit of pedestal. It's okay. I made that same mistake with one guy and it was just because I was alone for years before I dated him. But I don't feel bad about it. There's no point. What's done is done. Just remember that. At least you were able to be vulnerable and share some feelings with someone :)

 

I guess I would wait it out if I were you. It'd be useful if you could talk about it in person. Perhaps she is feeling overwhelmed and it is moving too fast for her. I've said that to guys before when I feel like they're so deeply into me, that I feel guilty that I don't reciprocate at that stage. It makes me want space because I feel under pressure to feel the same way. Usually this is with someone I'm a bit lukewarm about or in the early stages of dating. Obviously I'm not this woman and can't speak for her, but that's what it means for me when I say it. Or it could be that saying 'I love you' is more of a big deal to her than it is to you. I say it all the time to friends so telling a boyfriend that isn't a scary thought. Maybe she is different in how she thinks of it.

 

I don't think it's entirely a lost cause but I wouldn't put all eggs into one basket either. Best to keep yourself distracted because mulling it over too much won't help you. I do think though that if she sees something she likes in you, then she'd forgive it. If she is not all that into you, it probably won't be what you said that ultimately puts her off. Does that make sense?

Posted
It's over so it doesn't matter whether he contacts her again. What's most therapeutic for him, that's what he should do.

 

Broad generalizations can be misleading. Early in my current relationship, I asked my boyfriend for a break. He gave me my space. We obviously got back together.

 

Will that happen for the OP? The odds aren't great, but none of us can say with absolute certainty. What I do know is that going off the deep end and pestering her or venting to her because it feels "therapeutic" in the moment will not only leave him feeling worse a day or two later, but will also be the final nail in the coffin. He's done enough communicating. Let her be.

Posted
Angel eyes, thanks, I was thinking the same thing as well. I spent the last 3-4 days obsessing over her Facebook log activities. I couldn't sleep and I was forcing myself to eat. I'm going to start working on some art project that will take me a 2-3 weeks to complete. Based on how long we've been together, I figure if she doesn't give me any response by the time I finish it, I'll gradually have to accept and try my best to move on. The whole thought of that scares me though.

 

Sounds like a plan! It's hard and scary.

 

Come off Facebook. At the very least, unfollow her, so that her posts don't show up in your feed. (She'll still be a FB friend.)

 

What I would also do in your shoes is to try to accept that it's over. If she comes back, it's a pleasant surprise. If she doesn't, you've already started the healing process.

 

It's tough emotionally to sit in limbo. Hope things work out. Either way, know that you will have a girlfriend. If not with her, with someone else who's a better match for you.

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Posted

Crucible, you pretty much nailed it. That's what she told me. I basically opened up to her about my past dating history and much great detail then what I explained here. It was a very long message sent to her over Facebook messenger, she read it but never responded to it. She knows from the past I completely lack in dating experience. She was the first person I ever kissed and she knows that too.

 

She's very affectionate, has some moments of pain because of her condition, I try to read her emotions but she tries her best to hide it.

 

I sent her a lot of statements over Facebook and had a very long apology.

 

She spent a lot of time explaining why she feels how she feels instead of shutting me out completely, it's why I still have faith. But I still regret having my nervous breakdown. I also posted on my wall that I had a panic attack, it was basically a cry for help and of course she saw that...

 

I'm so stupid with these dating terms as "asking for space". I mistakenly took that as having space from seeing her in person instead of complete blackout of contact. I thought she was ignoring her on purpose and forced her to respond to a few of my messages today. I had bits of anxiety attacks since this all happened, couldn't help myself from crying at times...

 

She got upset that I did that, but she explained to me what was going on. I swore to her I would leave her alone totally until she contacts me first.

Posted
InnocentMan thanks for the advice, but unfortunately there is no such thing as a date in which she can easily escape from. She doesn't own a car, has a slight disability that doesn't allow her to walk for long distances, and she has to live with her mother whom never approves anyone she dates (She's my age, but for reasons outside her control she was forced into that living situation)... Any neutral location we meet at requires me to drive to her and pick her up and take her there...

 

But the idea of keeping it simple, I'll take that to heart, I'll take her to favorite diner.

 

Ah, well that's quite a stressful situation she's living in, and may be why she doesn't want to get too involved at the moment. Overbearing mothers can be quite an influence on their daughters, especially if they are living at home. Lay low for a while, then a casual contact just to clarify things, wont do any harm.

 

It's all good experience, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

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Posted

Angel eyes, I was advised by a few of my friends to just dump her and put myself back out there on the dating sites. Fortunately I didn't give into my rage and never told her off. I kept myself as respectful as I could in my messages.

 

I would rather keep following her feed, she's a very active poster, puts up roughly 10-15 things a day. It at least lets me notice her mood, if she's happy I think it helps me. She points out very potently over Facebook when someone leaves her feeling dejected, I haven't seen that yet. Even when I broke the silence today.

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Posted
Ah, well that's quite a stressful situation she's living in, and may be why she doesn't want to get too involved at the moment. Overbearing mothers can be quite an influence on their daughters, especially if they are living at home. Lay low for a while, then a casual contact just to clarify things, wont do any harm.

 

It's all good experience, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

 

Yes, I am grateful for her, at the very least she taught me how to be more affectionate towards others. I believe my past dates before her never went anywhere because I was never able to open up to them.

 

As far as I can tell by looking at her FB history she's been living in that situation for a very long time, years. I believe she doesn't like her mother much at all, and tries to find any excuse she could to get a friend to take her out. She books almost every weekend to do some type of schedule event.

Posted

OP, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. But a couple of things:

 

1) Don't be posting about panic attacks and nervous breakdowns online. If you truly need help, phone a friend or a medical professional who has the proper tools to assist you. Seeing that type of post is very off-putting for most women and will keep us at a distance. Instead of seeing it as a cry for help, a lot of people will view that as a cry for attention (even if it isn't) and emotional immaturity.

 

2) Stop obsessing over her FB activities. This will only drive you deeper into the hole. What purpose does this serve you? Disconnect for a while. Try to go an entire day without checking up on her. Then 2 days. You need to emotionally detach from her.

 

I think you should use this time to reflect on what you can do better the next time around. I'm sensing that you came on far too strongly, and I don't think you have bad intentions. But you need to ask yourself why you latched on to this so quickly, and what you will do in the future to build yourself up instead of relying on someone else to meet your emotional needs.

 

Ultimately, you have to make yourself happy. Don't rely on someone else to get you there, because they can't. You will surely continue to face disappointment if you expect others to do so. That's on you. Stay strong!

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Posted

ExpantInItaly thanks for the pointers on that, I deleted that post I made on Facebook about my anxiety attack... I didn't want those thoughts to linger and I haven't bothered her in over a day or looked at her activities online. I'm feeling significantly more at ease today.

 

Also, I believe she's leaving me subtle hints that she's still thinking of me at some level... She did give me extra lives in Candy Crush.. lol.. :confused:

 

I'll continue waiting, I guess that's her way of non contact of telling me that I'm still a possibility, however small it is.

 

Thank you everyone that replied to this thread, it helped me a lot.

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