Memories that harden your heart

[QuakerOats]

I've read on a few threads about how difficult it is to not think about the exMM...that the good memories often are intrusive; popping into your head when you least expect it, making ending things more difficult. For me, I keep thinking about the last time we were together...the dinners, the walks, the intimacy. And, it brings tears to my eyes when I think that just days ago I was planning our next visit in May...I had that giddy feeling in my stomach, would go to sleep thinking of it.

 

But it is over now. And it should be.

 

I need to harden my heart and remember that I am doing this for the right reasons, that the moments of love were surpassed by the moments of pain. The fact is, being an OW is difficult, and there are so many memories I stored away because they hurt, that I am now trying to call to the front of my brain as I try to power through this early stage of NC.

 

I invite other OW's to join me in this list making exercise. Maybe it will be cathartic. Maybe it will help us with our resolve to either accept or make change.

 

My LEAST favorite memories from the past two years:

 

1) Staying up all night like a school girl waiting for a call that would never come.

 

2) Paying for a dinner out that was to celebrate my birthday...because he didn't want his W to track his ATM withdrawals.

 

3) Seeing him call his W "My Beauty" on her FB page.

 

4) Having him ask me to marry him, ask me what kind of ring I'd like, what kind of ceremony, what kind of house....only he could never even bring himself to file for divorce.

 

5) Spending holidays alone.

 

6) Finding out he lied about where he was on vacation.

 

7) Having him sneak off after making love to go call his wife in the hallway.

 

8) Him telling me I have no idea how difficult divorce is when, I am a divorced woman.

 

9) Having him leave behind a shirt I bought him because he didn't want his wife to see it.

 

10) Going away with him, having to pay for the hotel so his wife wouldn't know, and having him leave me alone at the hotel while he met friends out for dinner who couldn't know about me because they knew his wife.

 

There are many more...but those are it for now. Please chime in with your own low points.

 

On that note, I am feeling recharged in my resolve to keep NC.

[Popsicle]

This is a good thread. My least favorite memories:

 

1) Not getting a response from him sometimes.

 

2) Being sparing with his feelings.

 

3) Deliberately being vague.

 

3) Making me wait way too long.

 

4) Not initiating when I know he wanted to (I could tell by his response when I did initiate).

 

5) Lying to me about where he is/has been and why he took so long to respond.

[movingon45]

Great thread! Thanks for starting this.

 

My pet peeve:

 

Staring at my phone waiting for that text!

[QuakerOats]

Great thread! Thanks for starting this.

 

My pet peeve:

 

Staring at my phone waiting for that text!

 

 

That is why I had to block his number. Now I know he won't be texting...so the obsessive checking of my phone is gone.

 

I wish I could say I felt better.

[Hope Shimmers]

My lowest moment by far was after giving birth to his baby and then watching her die, that he didn't even acknowledge it.

[Cocochai]

1) Me telling him that I wanted to cut things off after see his BS post their wedding pics but he made his way back in (or should I say, I allowed him to come back)

 

2) him cutting me off cold turkey after I told him how I was feeling. I was so hurt when he reached back out I glad to get answers but ended back in the A.

 

3) seeing pics of them celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary on FB and him calling her my beautiful wife.

 

4)Finally kicked him off my FB page but him lying saying "I have to make it look good since the family is on there" his BS created his FB acc but I'm sure she wouldn't like the fact that XMM was using it to reach out to me.

 

5) got back in the A only two weeks later he cuts it off saying he's having M issues and needs to devote 100% to it for now and if we could be friends.

 

6) final straw.. Him not responding after I wished him a happy bday via text. Well actually, the final straw should have been a long time ago.

 

Over a two 1/2 years of dealing w/ him and the more it seems I took him back... The more respect it showed he had for me.

 

This post is good makes me happy to be NC even more.

[PurpleCardigan]

My lowest moment by far was after giving birth to his baby and then watching her die, that he didn't even acknowledge it.

 

OMG, Hope Shimmers, my heart just breaks for you.

[Cocochai]

1) Me telling him that I wanted to cut things off after see his BS post their wedding pics but he made his way back in (or should I say, I allowed him to come back)

 

2) him cutting me off cold turkey after I told him how I was feeling. I was so hurt when he reached back out I glad to get answers but ended back in the A.

 

3) seeing pics of them celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary on FB and him calling her my beautiful wife.

 

4)Finally kicked him off my FB page but him lying saying "I have to make it look good since the family is on there" his BS created his FB acc but I'm sure she wouldn't like the fact that XMM was using it to reach out to me.

 

5) got back in the A only two weeks later he cuts it off saying he's having M issues and needs to devote 100% to it for now and if we could be friends.

 

6) final straw.. Him not responding after I wished him a happy bday via text. Well actually, the final straw should have been a long time ago.

 

Over a two 1/2 years of dealing w/ him and the more it seems I took him back... The more respect it showed he had for me.

 

This post is good makes me happy to be NC even more.

 

I meant to say the LESS respect he showed for me coming back when he reached out.

[RickFox]

Many things hardened my heart....especially the ending. Is what it isI suppose

[Popsicle]

My lowest moment by far was after giving birth to his baby and then watching her die, that he didn't even acknowledge it.

 

Oh man....how horrible.

[QuakerOats]

My lowest moment by far was after giving birth to his baby and then watching her die, that he didn't even acknowledge it.

 

Hope, you poor thing. I am so sorry.

[Mickey1982]

My lowest moment by far was after giving birth to his baby and then watching her die, that he didn't even acknowledge it.

 

Hope, I can only wish that someday he realizes what he lost when let you walk away.

[movingon45]

That is why I had to block his number. Now I know he won't be texting...so the obsessive checking of my phone is gone.

 

I wish I could say I felt better.

 

If I could have a $ every time I block and unblock his number! Yes, it's obsession!

[FoolishOW]

My lowest moment by far was after giving birth to his baby and then watching her die, that he didn't even acknowledge it.

 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, Hope.

[sunburned]

What a terrible, terrible loss, Hope Shimmers. So very sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[sunburned]

One of the "worst parts" for me was being admonished (not unlike the family pet for soiling the carpet) for texting or emailing at certain times .. like I should have been able to divine that his W was standing right next to him or that he was stupid enough to leave an email open on his PC. And as if my risk weren't just as great or greater.

 

Here we were having an A and in the middle of the A, a pissing match over who valued their family more.

 

Dumb and Dumber.

[Goodbye]

One of the "worst parts" for me was being admonished (not unlike the family pet for soiling the carpet) for texting or emailing at certain times .. like I should have been able to divine that his W was standing right next to him or that he was stupid enough to leave an email open on his PC. And as if my risk weren't just as great or greater.

 

Here we were having an A and in the middle of the A, a pissing match over who valued their family more.

 

Dumb and Dumber.

 

 

Ugh, yes. My exMM only did that once, but once was enough. I'm glad you are done with your dumb and dumber routine.

[Goodbye]

I was really struggling to not email MM last night. I didn't...made it through. I read through my journal and remembered another one: I'd pull away, he'd beg to see me, I'd agree and try to make plans and he'd be non-committal. Insanity. That thought helped me get through the night along with my heartbreak meditation.

[Nothisgirl]

Great thread...needing this today

 

-hearing repeatedly that there's nothing he can do "in this moment" that got really old over a years time

 

-having to leave the hotel in the middle of the night. Because he couldn't stay

 

-holidays alone

 

I'll be back to this...

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you for the kind words everyone - and I hope I didn't derail this thread. I was actually more mad for the baby than I was for me - I thought she deserved so much better than him. And I had several yelling sessions at him where I made that clear.

 

I think this is a great thread. I could list a hundred things that drove me crazy in the A and helped harden my heart. Many things I'm reading here I can relate to as well. Especially the one about being chastised for texting at the 'wrong time' as if I was some kind of telepathic mind-reader. (And just to drive me completely crazy, other times if I DIDN'T text then I would get chastised for ignoring him!) OMG, please.... spare me.

[C00kie]

I'm an xOW (broke up last month) but these are only a few (copied from a previous post I wrote months ago)

 

Taking a call from me and treating me like I was an old pal, saying something that would translate as "cheers mate" before hanging up - she was with him, obviously. I think this was the situation where I felt humiliated the most.

 

Being with him as if it was a normal, happy relationship and being reminded that it's not the moment he sneaks off "to have a smoke" and you know he's going to call her;

 

Chatting on fb and all of a sudden "gotta go" and vanishes;

 

Seeing pictures of them (posted by other people) on facebook;

 

Checking his mobile and realising she's under the name "Beautiful Wife" ("...oh, she wrote that...") and say each other I love yous.

 

Rejoicing with a call, an e-mail, an sms from him as a beggar would rejoice with a penny;

 

Wondering about his sex life with BS;

 

Trying to imagine their phone conversations and, at the same time, putting on the phones with loud music so that I don't hear him talking next room, afraid of hearing him saying "I love yous" and things like that.

 

Wondering what's really happening. What things are really like. Falling asleep waiting for a phone call and not being able to call him back. Wondering if he's had an accident, if he's sick, and not being able to call. I mean, I could call but I prefer silence than having him reject my call or talking to me as if I was an old aunt.

 

Uncertainty.

[movingon45]

 

 

 

Rejoicing with a call, an e-mail, an sms from him as a beggar would rejoice with a penny;

 

 

Wondering what's really happening. What things are really like. Falling asleep waiting for a phone call and not being able to call him back. Wondering if he's had an accident, if he's sick, and not being able to call. I mean, I could call but I prefer silence than having him reject my call or talking to me as if I was an old aunt.

 

Uncertainty. [/i]

 

Yes to these! A single text suddenly brightens your day. Why give him that power, right? But we all know how that single response feels after waiting.

 

Uncertainty definitely. So why do we do this to ourselves? Our emotions are taking a beating!

[QuakerOats]

I'm an xOW (broke up last month) but these are only a few (copied from a previous post I wrote months ago)

 

Taking a call from me and treating me like I was an old pal, saying something that would translate as "cheers mate" before hanging up - she was with him, obviously. I think this was the situation where I felt humiliated the most.

 

Being with him as if it was a normal, happy relationship and being reminded that it's not the moment he sneaks off "to have a smoke" and you know he's going to call her;

 

Chatting on fb and all of a sudden "gotta go" and vanishes;

 

Seeing pictures of them (posted by other people) on facebook;

 

Checking his mobile and realising she's under the name "Beautiful Wife" ("...oh, she wrote that...") and say each other I love yous.

 

Rejoicing with a call, an e-mail, an sms from him as a beggar would rejoice with a penny;

 

Wondering about his sex life with BS;

 

Trying to imagine their phone conversations and, at the same time, putting on the phones with loud music so that I don't hear him talking next room, afraid of hearing him saying "I love yous" and things like that.

 

Wondering what's really happening. What things are really like. Falling asleep waiting for a phone call and not being able to call him back. Wondering if he's had an accident, if he's sick, and not being able to call. I mean, I could call but I prefer silence than having him reject my call or talking to me as if I was an old aunt.

 

Uncertainty.

 

 

Yes, yes, yes...all of this. Such a common theme unfortunately.

 

I could really relate to the "highs" brought on by bread crumbs. I remember he started texting me sweet things (he isn't a texter) while I was out to dinner with my step kids...I don't condone texting at the table...thing it is incredibly rude and childish...and there I was...a 40 year old woman texting him back sweet things feeling so in love, only to feel immensely disappointed the next time he vanished for an entire day and told me how "busy" he was with work (in other words with the wife).

[lilmisscantbewrong]

His treatment of my husband (who he said was his friend) and my kids and how he allows his bs to continue to hurt them in order to get to me. My heart gets harder and harder as the months/years go by.

 

No explanation is good enough to make me ever understand that.

[skywriter]

It's been almost two years now since I've been out of the A.

 

One thing that really stays with me though is, I had a patient that I'd been caring for , well for the entire 6 year affair.

 

He passed away and I really just needed for my xAP to listen and let me share what I was going through.

 

During that time, his w's boss lost their father and that's all he would talk about when he was with me.

 

I tried to be compassionate but in the back of my mind I was resentful that he didn't realise what he was doing.

 

It just made me feel that everything was about him and his life. I felt that I was an intruder, that there just wasn't a place for me, where he was concerned.