lindsey Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 i am so confused at to what has happed to my relationship and the past two years of my life. i have been dating this guy long distance for two years. him on the west coast, me on the east. in the two years we have broken up three times know, he was the one always intiating the break up, i was always so sad and he was always the one to want to get back together w/ me. we are opposites in the fact that i am really outgoing and adventrouse and he is very mellow and simple, but it has worked. he does not communicate and i always thought that if we could be in the same city i could manage to get closer to him and work things out and build a better bond, i feel i can get to know anyone deep down, i had a really hard time trying to get to know him. but at least for the first year, i always felt like he was really into me, but i think i am insecure in myself and i think he senses that. anyway, we have been fighting over the past few months, well really not even fighting, we were going to talk in jan 2005 about if one of us would move - so i think i had been trying to find some security in the fact that this realtionship will work out, so i have been very needy asking him if he loves me all the time, testing the realtionship all the time stupid mistake. and he hates any sort of drama, hates it. so again was pushinghis buttons and he said it is over, then of course i got so upsert, and then kept calling , being a annoying. he said he needed his time and space and then after a few days of me still not giving him that. he then tells me he just does not think it is going to work out, i am still upset and need to understand why. well he comes to the conclusion that his heart is not in it anymore, he does not have the feelings that i would want him to have and have not for a few months (the past few months all my insecurties about the relationship have been comeing out). he also said even after our other two break ups he never felt this feelings. he said the feels "hollow". he says we are not compatible. and i do realize he has some form of commitment issues, it is pretty obviouse. ok so, at tis point i am upset, but i go in and out of being sad, and being fine, before w/ the other break ups i was so devistated 24/7. in a sense i feel this is a good oppritunity to pull my life together and focus on me and make myself better. but i still miss him and of course want him back. not know but maybe later. I need advice on these things.... Did my neediness kill his feelings for me? Can the feelings come back?? or are they gone forever ?(don't know if it matters, but without being to stuck up, i am really attractve - at least a 9 or 10 physically - but need to work on inside)? What can I do to make them come back? If I get stronge and appear confident will he want me back? or will he just still feel empty feelings for me? Advice please!
johnnyapples Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Hey Lindsey, What was it that made you fall for him anyway? How much time did you guys spend together (physically) despite the distance in the last year? It takes a lot of effort to travel back and forth. I think he really needs to evaluate what he wants. A strong and confident woman is always attractive to a man. However, don't act strong and confident ... really find your inner strength and self-esteem. You need to love yourself for who you are. You may want him to love you again, but you have to keep in mind, at some point, it is time to let go. Always be aware of that. He might be right about the compatibility thing -- you must search your heart about it. Think of all the things he's done, he's said and your true feelings about the whole thing. Be very honest!! You DEFINITELY need to give him some time. He's hurting as well as you. Pushing will make it worse if you want to have a chance. BE STRONG!! I've been on both sides of the relationship -- let him be for 2 weeks. And knowing about your side of the relationship, it's going to be TOUGH. Come on this forum, talk to your friends, get a support group to help you through it. Sitting at home thinking about it makes it SOoooo hard.... and makes the time drag out really, really slowly. I hope that helps. Honestly, from what I read so far, I really think he has already given up and doesn't have the courage to tell you. But i hope the best for you.
imokurnot Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Well from my perspective if the feelings were ever there, they can come back. The basics are there and you know he is attracted to you and as much as you say incompatible, he had to like your personality and you must have got along at least ok. But you need to definately change the behavior that is pushing him away. That is what is incompatible and not just with him but it will be incompatible with anyone. So start now because you will need to change that either for this relationship or any other. You need to change it for you! Not for the relationship or a ploy to get him back but for you as a person and your self esteem and personal well being. On the one hand you say your insecure and on the other you are a 9 or a 10. That is not unusual at all but if not your attractiveness, then what contributes to your insecurities? Whatever those issues are is where you should start to work on yourself. Once you take care or at least address those issues everything else will fall into place. You definately need to break this one off and work on you. If you can go NC for a lttle while and work on yourself and then see where you are at. Maybe at that point you want to try minimal contact and start to rebuild things and he may see you in a different light. As for right now however, he has you and your actions put neatly in a box on a shelf in his mind and it is packed tightly, wrapped with the strongest packing tape known to man and labeled with a permanent marker. The markings may fade or his confidence in the fact he has labeled the box correctly may waiver and he may forget what is in the box. If he gets curious he will want to open it up and look inside. If he does this at some point in time down the road and he finds the same thing he put in there originally, your done. If he opens that box and finds the same behaviors etc. and nothing new and exciting about you and there is nothing mysterious or refreshing that entices him to see more, you are done. If he sees the same things, and it won't take very long at all for him to remember, your done. So go make yourself better for you because there is nothing more exciting than a confident person. Especially a 9 or a 10 with a confidence that comes from within not some weak confidence that is there only because of the exterior. So go work on yourself for you. Hopefully, if in the future you still think you want him to, he will get curious and take the box down from the shelf, cut through the packing tape and look inside. If he does and you have transformed yourself in ways that address the things, "YOU" find lacking or below your expectations, then he will see you as a different person. One he is already attracted to and one he will once again be excited and curious about, he will be intrigued with the possibilities of a future with you once again. If he doesn't do that or he doesn't want another shot at the title, and you are a true 9 or 10 and you still are determined to have a LTR with a guy on the West Coast, then I just happen to be available. See how things just happen to work? J/K LOL
lindsey Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Thanks for your reply.. What made me fall for him you ask? When I first met him I liked him, but it was his strength, his presense, he always treated me very well. It was his breaking up w/ me all the time I think killed things. My family always thought I was not in love w/ him, but I think I am. It is not that intense, passionate relationship I have had - I feel passionate about him, but I also feel like he sustains me, balances me, when I am stronger. I also love his convictions; he is not about money, he is very smart and well educated and could take a job making twice as much as he makes, but he is doing a job for the love of it. I meet so many guys that think they can buy you, and he would never try to do that to me, or want to do that to anyone. I like that. We have spent a lot to time together, because I work from home and can work from where he lives. My parents live near him, so I go and stay w/ him. I guess I always was trying to get to know the real him better, and I am sad I failed to do that, and think our bond would have been stronger had I tried a different approach. I know I need to be strong, I am going to focus all my attention on myself for once. I feel like finally know I am free of any male relationships. I had an ex of 4 years that cheated on me all the time and I kept taking him back. As the story goes, of course, he wants me to marry him. Why he thinks I would actually do that is beyond me. I finally told him to just move on and get out of my life. He was emotionally killing me, because I think I still cared about him. I think that contributed to the insecuirty w/ me ex. so, yes, I know what I need to do to be strong. Thanks for the encouragement. You are right about the inner strength and self-esteem, very right. Regarding his feelings, he said he wants to feel that he wants to be w/ me. he thinks I am wonderful - but he says he can't explain it, he just doesn't feel it. We are very different, but I always thought we meshed well. Opposites, but we had some of the same interests, I though it would work out. Is that what happens? People just give up hope? If so, do you think he could change his mind? If your feelings leave, do you just right it off? He says he is still attracted, could I make him fall in love w/ me again? I know I sound really pathetic, but I hate to give up hope on anything, ever. I wish I was more logical, or I would not be where I am now. I feel like he thinks there is a slight chance that he could change his mind, he said by the time he figures things out it will proably be too late. I feel like he wants me to be a challenge. I guess if I was better on the inside, did build up my self-esteem, I would be a challenge, right? Anyway, you might be right about him giving up, I just feel he is so distant, I don't know what to think. I feel empty as well. It is weird, I feel like I can't even hope. I hate to think I put two years of work in, and I never will even get the chance to see if it could have been something more. Please, more advice.
lindsey Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I just saw your bio. This guy is very picky w/ women as well, as I am too w/ men. He is not the type of guy to cheat, or go racing into another relationship. Just F.Y.I, nor am I. I am telling you that, as there are lots of people like that.
imokurnot Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 I was kidding in my post at the end and not sure what you were conveying on your last post. I do see what you meant by picky or jumping into another relationship and that definately works in your favor. That means you will defiantely have the time to make changes for you and most likely have a chance to be in contact at a time he is still emotionally available and receptive to seeing your changes. There is definately hope I think in your case. I am just like you in that I don't ever give up hope and it is the worst way to be if the other party has decided to do just that. Well good luck! Your on the right track from what your last two posts conveyed...or at least what I think the were meant to convey........
johnnyapples Posted January 30, 2005 Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by lindsey Is that what happens? People just give up hope? If so, do you think he could change his mind? If your feelings leave, do you just right it off? He says he is still attracted, could I make him fall in love w/ me again? Most people take their time to look at their feelings before they make their decision to break up. Some people are more impulsive. But it seems like the guy you are describing is an intelligent person with strong integrity. I think he is really speaking from his heart at this point and you should respect it. If he is this kind of a person, that must mean its been a battle inside of him and this is his final conclusion -- you might need to respect it. Originally posted by lindsey I know I sound really pathetic, but I hate to give up hope on anything, ever. I wish I was more logical, or I would not be where I am now. I feel like he thinks there is a slight chance that he could change his mind, he said by the time he figures things out it will proably be too late. I feel like he wants me to be a challenge. I guess if I was better on the inside, did build up my self-esteem, I would be a challenge, right? Hey -- don't beat yourself up. I am extremely optimistic about life and I hate to give up on hope as well. However, you have to remember, life is about ups and the downs -- otherwise it isn't so interesting. WIthout the pleasures, how do you know what pain is, and without pain, how can you truly enjoy and appreciate the pleasures? Right? Build on your self-esteem and confidence -- but FOR YOURSELF. Don't worry about him. You need it for yourself first. As for hope -- hope never dies. Just transfer your hope -- that you will find someone better and more deserving of you. He is a great guy, but you will find someone different and better. People try to compare or think that they will never find the same exact person -- and that is true -- but you can always find someone different and better. Wiht a better self-esteem, you will be more confident in who you will let into your heart. Originally posted by lindsey Anyway, you might be right about him giving up, I just feel he is so distant, I don't know what to think. I feel empty as well. It is weird, I feel like I can't even hope. I hate to think I put two years of work in, and I never will even get the chance to see if it could have been something more. Please, more advice. I know what you mean. I have an ex who I was with for 3 years. I finally couldn't find the strenth to be with her and she was the sweetest thing -- always trying to make it work. After a while, we both discussed and broke up amicably. She cried for 3 months, and I stayed away for 5. But I made sure she had her good friend talk to her. It was important that she had someone to talk with -- otherwise she would go mad. I was in pain and sadness, but I was more relieved to let it go because it was starting to hurt me to be with her. I felt like I was living the lie and that I was "cheating her" out of a good boyfriend/husband. She still considers me to "Be the one that got away" and I assure her that I will always be there for moral/emotional support, but I don't think we were meant to be. If you can accept that kind of emotional content -- you might be better off. Friends and other support groups are great for helping you get through this stuff. I hope the above advice helps... P.S. I don't even know what's on my profile. But if you want to know more about me -- u can send me a private message. Good luck!!
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