DiggingYourScene Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I met a woman online back in November - the initial spark was organic and spontaneous including two dates in two weeks that involved a leisurely walk and lots of kissing. It also included lots of texting - from first thing in the morning to last thing at night...to be fair everything was going great. I am 34 and she is 39 with a child, we are both very independent and both live alone. She was married for 10 years whilst I am yet to fully experience a long term relationship of any stature although I have always had a healthy and regular interaction with women. However, I callousley mis-handled a situation involving the death of her dog. Not only did I freeze when she told me, I then decided to contact her with a miscalculated text that tried to broach the subject. It all fell apart - we lost contact for six days in which she admitted that she was upset and finished with the possibility of us. I didn't give up though, I texted that I missed her and explained that the insensitive way I attempted to comfort her was steeped in the insecurity that we had only known each other for two weeks and I didn't want to rush in by being too stifiling at such a difficult time or too selfish to expect her to maintain our contact when she would obviously be otherwise distracted. Thankfully we got back on track and she even instigated a meet the following week that sadly didn't come to pass - Christmas and juggling the welfare of her son meant it wasn't until near the New Year she managed to see me and we spent a nice night on my sofa with lots of cuddling and kissing. All the while we had kept in touch via text and on the phone...things were looking good. After New Year however she dumped me by text, polite, but by text saying she thought with her head and not her heart and that it was her, not me that was the problem. I was gobsmacked and surprised at my own feelings to her that were surfacing as a result of the dumping. I wrote her a nice, long letter and we exchanged texts yet was adamant she had made the right decision - by the end of the week I gave up and explained what a waste I thought it was conisdering how we got on. A week later she text hoping I was okay to which I explained I was not and after a couple of days she admitted she was confused and didn't want to mess with my head but that she missed me, being an oppurtunist I jumped at the chance to re-engage and for a week everything was great. She asked me round to her house, she asked if I wanted to go out but a further set-back and subsequent incorrect assumption about me freaked her and she blocked and ignored me just a few days after making contact which lasted until the next day. Despite making up and explaining this renewed optimism lasted just a week and we never did go out, she this time rang me and explained she simply couldn't go forward with me, that she had been contacted by her ex and that had stirred up feelings. She was amiable, listened and was patient with my ranting and confusion. Outwardly she is chatty, fun and considerate...intimately she is sincere, has integrity and always considered my feelings. After 10 days NC I got back in touch but she was more closed and unresponsive than I could of imagined which led to a further 10 days of NC. A request by me to block me on facebook was granted yet after the second 10 days of NC I looked and she had unblocked me to which I messaged saying it may not be a good idea and I still hurt. She hated the thought of blocking me out of her life and after two weeks of texts, messages and some soul searching she agreed to meet as friends and see what happened. We met and had a cordial, formal but enjoyable drink to which she messaged and said had a nice time and could we meet Friday....nice and slow. After texting all week we met and had a great night involving watching telly, hand holding, kissing and embracing I aksed if I could see her again that frustrated her, especially as the conversation led to my insecurities involving her never disclosing to me she liked me and that it left me adrfit. We talked for an hour but it slowly broke down to her dumping me albeit, once again, in a polite and understanding manner. We had gone from spooning like a teenage couple to her driving away and out of my life - a couple of texts were ignored until I said I would delete her number with her replying "...it wasn't meant to be". I am distraught at losing her, the manner I lost her and the regrets at what I should and shouldn't of said. I am booked in at the doctors in a couple of days and I have been breaking down and the severity of what has been taken away has changed me from a confident, funny and laid back bloke into a more meek, weary and dis-enchanted person that is struggling to see far in to the future. I can elaborate on any of the para-phrasing above but would like any input on anyone who has dated someone who has shown a willing attitude to a poetntial relationship only to falter at the crucial time. I feel like I am having three or four break ups as I am hurting on three of four different levels. Thank you for listening.
Yasuandio Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I would implement a technique called "do something different," (see Divorce Busting & Ideas of Michelle Weiner Davis). You must implement the 180's. You've been acting like a little puppy dog. Think to yourself, what type of person gets off on that? She might be a control freak, sadistic, or be indecisive in character - and/or a mix of these or other qualities. Here's your own quote: I am distraught at losing her, the manner I lost her and the regrets at what I should and shouldn't of said. I am booked in at the doctors in a couple of days and I have been breaking down and the severity of what has been taken away has changed me from a confident, funny and laid back bloke into a more meek, weary and dis-enchanted person that is struggling to see far in to the future. I am happy you are seeing the doctor. But it is not another person that gives you the positive feelings you have described here. And the loss of a person does not have the power to allow your self-esteem and confidence to go down the tubes unless you allow it. A loss hurts. A loss of a lover can hurt as bad as a death - and drive you into the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, recovery. This explains why you feel weak, weary and disenchanted. Reading Info on 180's, Divorce Busters, Grieving, etc. Can be found in pinned thread called "Critical Readings in Separation and Divorce" and there may be a link in my signature line. Yas PS I'd give her a good 6 months of 180 and LC. I'd also investigate "Kick Love's Ass" website.
Author DiggingYourScene Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. It is true that my behaviour around this woman has been different to what myself and others would have expected - I put this down to having got to a stage in my life where I am relatively anxiety free. I own my own home that I have recently renovated, I run a successful business that basically runs itself, I am solvent and enjoy a good social life. I am child free and have little emotional responsibility... As a result I totally invested in this scenario, mainly because of how fond I was of the lady in question but also because for the first time in my life I felt I was emotionally and logistically ready for a relationship. We might have met online but I was not looking for love, I was happy before. Yet at a point where people would have walked away I went back purely because I thought I had the spare emotional resources to try again and try to understand her. It was the wrong thing to do but for the right reasons. She did say that it was like I was treading on egg shells around her - a concept I could relate to but put down to me trying to read her and second guess her sometimes (proven) spontaneous acts of freaking out. She is possibly emotionally unavailable so the more I tried to show her how much I thought we worked, something she agreed on numerous times, it pushed her away slightly to which I raised my game. It was brinkmanship and a catch 22...I had to read and analayse her actions as she would seldom coherently be able to tell me herself what she was thinking. As for feeling distraught - well the fact is I blame myself for a number of incidents bewteen us purely because I am so used to making my own mind up and making choices in life so it has severly dented my sense of judgement.
Author DiggingYourScene Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 It's been two weeks today since we last spoke on the phone and she confirmed her choice to not persue a relationship. This may seem quite bread and butter to some people but the frustration of this is rooted from her behaviour that I tolerated especially considering she was a self-admitted 'closed' person who was rarely comfortable discussing the more intimate nature of our potential. I am struggling to see how someone who was willing to meet and then embark on our routine texting through the week, then whom was able to feel comfortable enough to visit my place and share kissing and embracing full well in the knowledge that I was extremely attracted to her could turn so cold and put a stop to proceedings in such a way. The whole point of the second chance, after nearly four months of false starts, was that we wanted to see if something could happen that would indicate something more serious happening, all in our own time. It's true she said that our meet the week before wouldn't make or break the potential, that she would need time to consider...but I can't get my head around someone who can invest so much of their time in texting and phoning through the week knowing whats at stake and not be interested. If we had met on the Sunday, our new 'first' date, and she had rejected me - fine. If she was cold through the week, struggling to maintain contact and decided to end things - fine. If she hadn't been the one to have the idea of meeting at mine on the Friday, and made sure it was noted that it was to be fun and laid back - fine. If she had arrived Friday, stayed for an hour and made her excuses, even dumped me early on in the night - fine. But we shared a lovely, close evening watching telly that ultimately turned into a bout of intimate kissing and spooning to which I thought I had the right to ask if she wanted to see me again. Should I not have asked? She actually said yes but was agitated by the question...it's not liked I asked it as she walked through the door. I chose my moment. Not in a good place at the moment - I have strange feelings of guilt, that I sabotaged my chance to get inside someone. That it's not her thats causing these negative feelings but they are stemmed from me and my inability to read signs and do the right thing.
FortunateSon Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 There seemed to be a lot of false starts/second chances needed for just a beginning of a relationship. It seems to me like she was being a good sport and gave it an honest effort but felt in her heart, despite how you interpreted her actions, she didn't want to pursue the the relationship. Throw in the fact that her ex was lurking in the picture, she might not be in the place to be in a relationship as much as you are. Happens all the time. You sound like you have a lot of good things going for you, do not feel bad about this experience, use what you learned from it with the next person you become involved with.
Author DiggingYourScene Posted April 6, 2014 Author Posted April 6, 2014 Thank you FortunateSon for your reply and it makes a great deal of sense. The funny thing is I wasn't looking for love or even a serious relationship with this woman and the place I find myself in now seems foreign and unwelcoming. I have always liked my own company but now I feel lonely and abandoned. It took losing her the first time, when things were going good and a serious relationship was possible but uncertain, for me to realise how much I cared. Even though our 'relationship' was fresh and casual at that stage I realised just how empty the feeling was knowing she wasn't on the end of the phone or a text. I also find it interesting in that you mention about her being a good sport, that is exactly what I didn't want her to be, I almost wanted some tough love...to be put in my place earlier and for her to be more bold in her attraction or non-attraction to me. When she made it clear she was willing to meet again she took the decision after telling me that she had considered everything and would need time to think and that in the interim she would not contact me - a clear sign that she was proper serious about things. Within a day she said she would like to meet. Now this wasn't taken by me that all was well and I was in the clear - but I assumed any doubts about what she wanted from us had been erased and that the only doubts that remained was her attraction to me, I liked the idea of being in control of things and being in the driving seat at this stage. Yet after an hour of intimate kissing, and a short while locked in an embrace that had her head nuzzled in my chest and me stroking her hair, I was under the assumption in no un-certain terms that she liked being in my company and found me attractive enough to indulge in such a non-alcoholic induced activity. Yet she was spooked and I blame myself for not enjoying the moment. She was always conscious of my feelings and the possibility of how hurt I could be if she left - and I find it astonishing that she could maintain such a positive attitude leading up to the date, with communication instigated by her including phone calls yet feel so utterly confounded to the fact that we wouldn't work. It was cruel but not calculated, a little predictable but ultimately devastating for me.
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