Catwoman13 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Hey everybody, I'm just wondering if anyone can give some objective opinions here. I have a friend who I've known for many years since school days. I've always known her to be somewhat of a drama queen, but in recent couple of years I've noticed it has got worse. Every time we'd meet up it would take her about half an hour to even think to ask me how I was (that's if she did at all), because she would launch straight away into her latest mental/emotional drama. Eventually she decided to take herself travelling and live the life she wants to. Great, I thought, something to chill her out a bit and find out who she is. So she has come back twice in recent months from long trips away, and both times at very short notice has sent invites out for last minute drinks to say hi and bye to everyone again. I know she leaves it to the last minute because she told me that she comes back days before and keeps it quiet - fair enough, I thought, someone needs time to catch their breath before the next flight, whatever. I was willing to drop my plans in order to accommodate this, since that's what you do for a friend. However, the thing I've noticed is she rarely takes much interest in what's been going on in my life since she's been away. The whole event is all about her, she never sets aside time for a private catch up between just the two of us which in itself doesn't bother me too much, mainly because quite honestly I now find her draining! Long story short she came back again just recently and invited a group of people with less than a day's notice to another of these gatherings. I of course, said I'd go, even though it meant adjusting my plans, no problem, I thought. I went along bringing goodies with me for everyone, but when I arrived no one thanked me for my gifts (though they didn't hesitate to consume them), and when I greeted her doing the usual "hey how are you thing" she didn't even return the question and just carried on the conversation she'd been having. That too, I thought, was cool, it's a social situation.... but, an hour later that conversation was still going on and I although I joined in I could feel myself getting slightly annoyed that still she didn't think to ask sooo what's been going on with you since last time. As well as that, I found myself suddenly getting extremely tired in her company, almost like it was difficult to stay awake. It was like she thought she was the main attraction, rather than it being a "social situation". I was honestly taken aback at how much someone could talk about themselves without a thought to ask anyone else anything about themselves. I wished I'd left earlier but I kept hanging around thinking we were going to catch up at some point, and since no one else bar one other friend had been able to show up (and she'd had to leave early) I thought that would be easily done. I was wrong. Now she wants to have another drinks before going away again, but to be quite honest, I can read the signs here, and I don't think she is really a good person to hang around with. I expect simply to be treated as I treat others, and to me this is not an equal situation, and if I'm really honest, her self-absorption really turned me off. I don't think I'll go because of this. Has anyone else ever found themselves in this kind of situation? Also, as a side note, I've noticed that she seems to have an image of me frozen in her mind like I was still a school child and not an adult, because she sort of laughs condescendingly "at me" quite a lot. I never noticed this so prominently before probably cos of confidence issues at the time, but now I notice it and it kind of annoys me! I think I know what to do here, but I just wondered if anyone objective had an opinion? Thanks for reading!
Rubypumped Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I think it makes sense that you're drained around her, and you're right, she is not being a good friend. I really like your stance on how you treat your friends and that you expect the same back. I've heard many people shame people like me and you who hold ourselves and our friends to higher standards and reciprocity. Too many people are ****ty friends and say you're manipulative for expecting things like reciprocation in the long run. For example, you expecting thank yous. That is just manners! And you're right, you ARE a great friend and DO deserve to have it reciprocated. It's nice of you to have given her so many chances. I think that you should maybe kindly let her know what's going on, but be prepared for a backlash because a lot of times people feel attacked (trust me). Or, fade away until her behavior improves or unless she asks you flat out. My point is, keep the possibility for friendship open, and think of now as a bad time.
Author Catwoman13 Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 Hey Rubypumped, thanks for the reply!I was curious to see if anyone would understand though, or if I was overreacting. I doubt I'll say anything as it doesn't seem the right time, and tbh it probably never will happen. Too much stuff happens in between, and if a person doesn't even think to ask you how you are it's like, why should I bother to initiate that kind of talk. Also, another very revealing comment she made was that her boyfriend had a jokey pet name for her which basically meant she's extremely selfish but she laughed it off like it was funny saying "I'm just too lazy to care!" It doesn't bother me because now I know I won't waste any more time on this person! I resented using up my Saturday (I'm an independent artist and work the weekends too) for this tho. It won't happen again!
preraph Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 A lot of people are really bad listeners. Truth is very few people are nearly as interested in hearing about you as they are in telling you about them, but that's where being polite comes in. A good listener will make good friends a lot faster than your friend will. Even if they fake being interested, it's something, and who knows they may find something to love about you! Next time a gift is in order, buy her a good book about the art of listening. It could change her life. Give her a little story about how much it helped you or something. If she seems taken aback and asks, then just say "I love you to pieces, but I can't remember the last time you asked how I was doing." 1
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