rumbleseat Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I consider myself very lucky that my H and I were able to reconcile and get to a place where we are both very happy. It hasn't always been an easy road for either one of us. I know that facing what he did was not pleasant. I really do appreciate all the hard work he did on himself, and I have told him so. Seems to me that ws sometimes get pretty short shrift around here, which is understandable, but I think it would be nice for other bs who feel that their ws has taken responsibility for their actions and choices to share their story. This could be whether the M reconciled or not, as Taking responsibility doesn't always equate with staying together.
veritas lux mea Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 It was easy for me to take responsibility for my actions because Before the affair I was in no way unhappy with my H. During and after some things got foggy and I had to deal with some history rewrittinf but even that wasn't really about my husband. Sometimes people think parts of a story given are an excuse. But they really are just the facts. Sharing that I was in a dark place when I started my affair because of the death of my baby and then another miscarriage doesn't mean I think my affair was okay. It just explains where my mind was at during that time. I never really understand when people don't want to look at the whole picture but just cry "excuse". To me it is obvious shen soemthing is an excuse (usually when the person isn't actually ending their behaviour or are blaming their BS) or when it is actually a factor in the situation. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 I just reread my first post...what I meant by it's understandable that they get short shrift is that many of the people posting here are bs, and in a lot of pain
Bootsie Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I consider myself very lucky that my H and I were able to reconcile and get to a place where we are both very happy. It hasn't always been an easy road for either one of us. I know that facing what he did was not pleasant. I really do appreciate all the hard work he did on himself, and I have told him so. Seems to me that ws sometimes get pretty short shrift around here, which is understandable, but I think it would be nice for other bs who feel that their ws has taken responsibility for their actions and choices to share their story. This could be whether the M reconciled or not, as Taking responsibility doesn't always equate with staying together. Mainly yes he has taken responsibility and we reconciled. It annoys me that for him many of the details have now faded, but for me some of them still are "fresh" many years later. However even this isn't quite true as I occasionally re-discover details that I have forgotten. I think it's more an indication that I'm taking a very long time to heal properly. 1
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Yes. I know some days it does not sound like it, but yes. When I am hurt I blow things out of proportion, misread and misunderstand things. H has admitted what he did was wrong. He sought out a counselor and goes to that counselor a couple times a month. He immediately agreed to marriage counseling. He cut contact with her almost immediately, if not immediately, after I found out, but she was calling him because I threatened her (not my proudest moment!) so he may have talked to her then. He has given me all his passwords, hands me his cellphone and ipad, tells me to come in and look at his work email. He is very open and says often what he did was wrong and any anger he receives he deserves. He just doesn't always receive it as well as I think he should some times! Ha! 1
excusememister Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I also appreciate all the hard work my WH has been doing on himself. DDay was in November and over the last 4 months, his actions are speaking volumes. He ended all contact with the AP the minute I discovered everything. He left her a VM as well as wrote a handwritten letter telling her to never contact him again. He gave me the letter to mail. He attends weekly counseling; a men's support group weekly; reading lots of books on infidelity; he's completely transparent, remorseful and repentant and he takes full responsibility for his actions. Whenever I want to talk about the A or ask more questions, he will stop whatever he is doing, give me his undivided attention and answer or explain whatever I throw his way. I have all his passwords and there is a keylogger on his computer. I have been a b@#ch and he has been beyond understanding and patient. I yell, scream, curse and stomp and he takes his medicine like a warrior. I honestly NEVER thought I would EVER consider even entertaining the thought of reconciliation with my WH. There was no way - no how!! His betrayal was the ultimate. Over the last couple of days, the words "possible R" have been dancing around in my head. I'm mentioning this to my therapist at tomorrow morning's session. 2
Author rumbleseat Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 In my own situation, I finally reached a point where I knew I had to let go of the hurt anger and mistrust. He had shown me over and over that he had worked hard on himself, and I realized that it wasn't fair to either one of us for me to be unhappy. It took a long time to get there, but it did. I will never trust anyone, other than myself 100% ever again! but he is as close as it gets. 3
dichotomy Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I don't know how to answer this clearly. I would say she accepted her sentence handed out, did so because she knew the marriage counted on it. But it was not given freely or easily. It took years for her to even admit she what she did was wrong. But I guess yes - she did in the end take some basic responsibility for it.
excusememister Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 In my own situation, I finally reached a point where I knew I had to let go of the hurt anger and mistrust. He had shown me over and over that he had worked hard on himself, and I realized that it wasn't fair to either one of us for me to be unhappy. I have let go of a lot of anger but still dealing with hurt, disappointment and mistrust. I'm starting to realize that it does no good for either of us for me to be unhappy. Haven't quite learned how to let go of that one yet. Still a work in process 1
Spark1111 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I put the man through hell and still he kept coming around begging to reconcile. I had a D attorney on speed dial for two years! And still he wanted to reconcile. flowers, cards, gifts, trips and I always HONESTLY told him, I am UNSURE about you in my future. I love you, NOT sure if I can forgive you, and the biggest hurdle, will I EVER TRUST and RESPECT you again? And I cannot be with a man I do not trust and RESPECT. he went to IC, MC, had to start communicating, bear my unusual wrath....you name it. Does he own it? he became the partner I always dreamed he could be.....and today STILL feels more shame, regret remorse, pain than I do. That's owning it, no? I think so. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 I have let go of a lot of anger but still dealing with hurt, disappointment and mistrust. I'm starting to realize that it does no good for either of us for me to be unhappy. Haven't quite learned how to let go of that one yet. Still a work in process It does take time, and a lot of it. I really believe that a r that happens quickly where everything goes back to the way it was, is , in a way of thinking, almost a missed opportunity. A r can provide spouses a ch ace to work through a lot of things and come out the other side in a much better place than they were before. You can't simply will that to happen or hide your head in the sand. It takes, time, effort and willingness to go through a lot of pain and face your demons. 1
Arieswoman Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 rumbleseat, you asked has your ws taken responsibiltity for their actions? Not until 4 years later by which time we were 3.5 years divorced and he had married his pregnant affair partner. Some people are slow learners I guess. 2
jnel921 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Taking responsibly and a true remorse towards his actions were the only reason I decided to stay and R our M . I wouldn't have had it any other way. I really did not want to deal with digging for for more truth had he been any other way. It's important that the WS do the work. It's the only way to have a successful R and ultimately a happy M again.
underwater2010 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Yes..he has taken responsibility. He did that within the first week of Dday. Things are going my better. There have been a few slip ups when it comes to boundary issues. But he is starting to recognize other people's poor boundaries...which is a huge step in the right direction. Just to let others know....it can work out if both parties want it to and are willing to be honest with one another. 2
WhiteOrchid Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I never in a million years thought my husband would cheat on me. And I REALLY never would have imagined I would give a cheater another chance. I always thought cheating was an unforgivable sin, and was very judgmental towards anyone who chose to reconcile with a WH. And then it happened to me. When D-Day hit, I was in complete shock and despair. Absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The sheer devastation of it all was mind-blowing. Just thinking about it now gives me anxiety. Instead of confronting him in person, I sat on the information for a few days (the hardest thing I have ever done), made a plan, packed up and left him, leaving him a note telling him I knew what he was doing and that I was done and wanted a divorce. I expected his reaction to be one of complete denial and damage control, or a blame game directed at me. When I left, I believed with all my heart my marriage was over, and there was absolutely zero chance for reconciliation. But his reaction shocked me. He begged me to see him so he could give me the whole story, no more BS or lies. And he did. He told me about things I would never known about. He took full responsibility. He answered every question I had honestly and fully, no matter how painful the answer was to me or how bad the truth made him look. He dropped the OW like a hot potato (much to her shock and chagrin - she was initially thrilled D-Day had occurred, thinking now he was free to be with her). I was a complete mess for the first few months. I became someone completely unlike myself. A raging lunatic. I would cry every day, scream at him, ask him the same questions over and over again. And he dealt with it all with patience, understanding and love. We both have good jobs and no kids - frankly, it would have been easier for him (for both of us) to just cut our losses and walk away rather than deal with such severe stress. But neither of us did. Sadly, it took us almost losing each other to realize what we had. And inexplicably, we are now happier now than we probably have ever been. He has become the husband I always dreamed of - he has changed so much and has been consistent for 8 months. I also took a look at myself to see what I could do to make him happier (I know that I am not to blame for his affairs, but I know that there are things I wish I would have done differently). We never had good boundaries from the beginning - I tolerated his flirtatious nature thinking it was harmless. Not anymore. Our old marriage is dead. But a new one has bloomed that is very different. And very happy. Will I ever trust him with the blind trust (100%) I used to have? No. But I don't think I could ever implicitly trust someone ever again, even if we did go our separate ways. The fact is, otherwise good people can have affairs. After what we have gone through, I would be shocked if he ever had another affair. But he knows without a doubt if he does, there will be no third chance. There is absolutely no shame in reconciliation. Each BS need to decide what is best for them. Every situation is different. But from my own experience, I fully believe reconciliation is possible if the WH is willing to do the heavy lifting. And you can be happy after the devastation of an affair. As unbelievable as that sounds. 8 months ago, I would never have imagined such a thing was possible. Life is strange. 6
janedoe67 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 As a FWW, this is what I would consider to be a WS taking responsibility: 1. Profess sincerely that the A was wrong 2. Take full responsibility for the choice to cheat with no "buts" 3. Answer any and all questions about the A 4. NC for life with the AP 5. Sincere, consistent remorse/humility/expressing of regret 6. Complete transparency 7. Gracious and willing acceptance of accountability 8. Hard work to restore trust 9. Empathy 10. PATIENCE 11. A PLAN to protect one's self from being vulnerable/cheating again 12. Personal work on character Crying and saying "I'm sorry" is nice and necessary. BUT it is not enough. 5
Fredflintstone Posted April 8, 2014 Posted April 8, 2014 It's been eight months since dday, for me, only recently do I feel my ws has begun to recognize exactly what she was doing. She cries quite a bit and apologise's alot, thanks me for sticking around and has started putting alot of effort into us. In all fairness though he health has suffered alot because of it.
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