Need your insight about Girlfriend

[BlueIris]

Were talking about 47 years old woman he's been dating for 6 months, NOT asking her is being insecure. At some point a guy needs to know where a relationship is heading. If she cannot have a conversation on where she stands, what she wants out of a relationship, then she is not relationship material.

 

Ok, well, go for it. He can put it in her lap and ask her to reassure him.

 

I saw this in another thread and copied it:

 

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ”

― Anthony Robbins

 

I remember seeing James Carville and Mary Matalin on Larry King a loooong time ago, and King asked her why she was with Carville. She said something like this, He’s someone you’d want in a foxhole with you. You can count on him because he has your back if things get tough.

 

As a ~50 year old career woman myself, THAT melted me. (And I was a ~40 year old at the time.) Heck, it’s etched into my memory! Lol I want THAT guy. Not a guy who keeps tabs and feels he’s being taken if he is emotionally giving and generous, but a man who sees and appreciates what I give to support him and have his back, and naturally and simply does the same for me. To me, a strong man, THAT man, doesn’t care how he appears to anyone (needy, desperate, what have you), he just acts and picks up the load and shows you that he has decided that you’re a team, he’s in, he’s your go-to guy, he sees you and knows you have needs sometimes too. Nothing sexier in my book. Really.

 

OP needn’t consider this perspective. But it is another perspective.

Edited April 10, 2014 by BlueIris

[Kernal]

Thank you Blueiris

 

She texted me about the plans I made to grapevine at the wine fest.. She said she had to work as a subordinate is having issues.. She's been talking about this for awhile..

 

Plus we do need to save money for our trip to jazz fest in two weeks.

 

I really am questioning if this is a give her space thing.. But I guess since she is working Saturday I'll be surprised if she wants to see me Friday evening..

 

Maybe I shouldn't ask her to do anything Friday after work.. She'll have to be up at 0430 Saturday. Games.. Ugh

[Frogwife]

Well.....that one is on you. Two months ago you had just been dating for 4 months. It was a bit early to purchase tickets for an event 3 months later.

 

Everyone has different experiences (and I've just started reading this multi-page post), but I started dating my boyfriend in late June 2013. At the beginning of October we bought plane tickets for a three-week visit to Iran in late December - a very similar time frame and was a major trip to take together. Three months came and went and we had a great trip together.

 

People can't always live their life on trying to do things at the "perfect" time - there is no such thing - every person and couple is different. Sometimes you have to take a risk - it may work, it may not, but you don't know unless you try and you could miss out on some amazing things.

[Kernal]

I have no reason to believe we arnt going at this time. :-)

[Kernal]

Three months after we started dating we spent four glorious days in Playa del Carmen. :-)

 

 

Everyone has different experiences (and I've just started reading this multi-page post), but I started dating my boyfriend in late June 2013. At the beginning of October we bought plane tickets for a three-week visit to Iran in late December - a very similar time frame and was a major trip to take together. Three months came and went and we had a great trip together.

 

People can't always live their life on trying to do things at the "perfect" time - there is no such thing - every person and couple is different. Sometimes you have to take a risk - it may work, it may not, but you don't know unless you try and you could miss out on some amazing things.

[Gaeta]

Everyone has different experiences (and I've just started reading this multi-page post), but I started dating my boyfriend in late June 2013. At the beginning of October we bought plane tickets for a three-week visit to Iran in late December - a very similar time frame and was a major trip to take together. Three months came and went and we had a great trip together.

 

People can't always live their life on trying to do things at the "perfect" time - there is no such thing - every person and couple is different. Sometimes you have to take a risk - it may work, it may not, but you don't know unless you try and you could miss out on some amazing things.

You bought tickets for an event 2 months down the line, he bought tickets for an event 5 months down the line. Big difference.

[Gaeta]

Ok, well, go for it. He can put it in her lap and ask her to reassure him.

 

I saw this in another thread and copied it:

 

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. ”

― Anthony Robbins

 

I remember seeing James Carville and Mary Matalin on Larry King a loooong time ago, and King asked her why she was with Carville. She said something like this, He’s someone you’d want in a foxhole with you. You can count on him because he has your back if things get tough.

 

As a ~50 year old career woman myself, THAT melted me. (And I was a ~40 year old at the time.) Heck, it’s etched into my memory! Lol I want THAT guy. Not a guy who keeps tabs and feels he’s being taken if he is emotionally giving and generous, but a man who sees and appreciates what I give to support him and have his back, and naturally and simply does the same for me. To me, a strong man, THAT man, doesn’t care how he appears to anyone (needy, desperate, what have you), he just acts and picks up the load and shows you that he has decided that you’re a team, he’s in, he’s your go-to guy, he sees you and knows you have needs sometimes too. Nothing sexier in my book. Really.

 

OP needn’t consider this perspective. But it is another perspective.

I am a big fan of Anthony Robbins, I read all his books. This philosophy you are citing here is nice, for when you are in an established relationship. OP is not there yet with this woman.

[Gaeta]

Everyone has different experiences (and I've just started reading this multi-page post), it may work, it may not, but you don't know unless you try and you could miss out on some amazing things.

 

And how long should someone invest time in another person without confirming they are on the same page? As time goes by OP is investing time and feelings into this woman, without ever confirming they are working toward a same goal. For all he knows this woman doesn't want ever again to get serious with a man.

[Kernal]

I need help defining an established an relationship.

 

Here is where we are.

 

Mutually contact each other every day of the week. Normally by texting but a couple of nights a week phone calls.

 

we normally see each other Friday night Saturday and most of Sunday. So about 75 to 80 percent of the weekend.

 

We sleep together 2 to 3 times a week.

 

I told her how special she is to me. I told her how happy she makes me and she reciprocated..

 

I have not told her I love her yet and she has not said that to me.

 

we are mutually agreed exclusive.

 

she seems a bit reluctant to get together on the weekdays but has only the client my request once or twice in the six months

 

 

I am a big fan of Anthony Robbins, I read all his books. This philosophy you are citing here is nice, for when you are in an established relationship. OP is not there yet with this woman.

[Frogwife]

And how long should someone invest time in another person without confirming they are on the same page? As time goes by OP is investing time and feelings into this woman, without ever confirming they are working toward a same goal. For all he knows this woman doesn't want ever again to get serious with a man.

 

Yes, agreed, that is a completely different story... being on the same page - despite the protestations, it doesn't sound like they are (although I haven't read all 15 pages). Otherwise, we wouldn't be seeing this thread. I was just speaking to the "there's never a perfect time" - too soon, too late, etc. With my bf, we knew on our first date we were both looking for a serious, committed relationship. That has never changed - so, yes, if you're not on the same page in a relationship, that won't be fun for anyone involved.

[Kernal]

I guess the biggest indication would be her talk she had with me Saturday correct

[Gaeta]

I need help defining an established an relationship.

 

Here is where we are.

 

Mutually contact each other every day of the week. Normally by texting but a couple of nights a week phone calls.

 

we normally see each other Friday night Saturday and most of Sunday. So about 75 to 80 percent of the weekend.

 

We sleep together 2 to 3 times a week.

 

I told her how special she is to me. I told her how happy she makes me and she reciprocated..

 

I have not told her I love her yet and she has not said that to me.

 

we are mutually agreed exclusive.

 

she seems a bit reluctant to get together on the weekdays but has only the client my request once or twice in the six months

 

An established relationship is a relationship where the goal is clear and understood by both parties.

 

What you describe could be the pattern of a fwb relationship, of casual dating, or also a committed relationship.

 

Which one is it?

 

You don't know. Amazing isn't it?

 

You don't know because after 6 months of dating you don't want to ask her what is her goal. Not necessarily her goal with you, but what is her goal in dating?

 

What if she answers she is not ready for a serious relationship and doesn't know when she'll be? How much more time are you willing to invest in this? knowing that when she will be it may not meant it will be with you!

 

I have seen people posting about being in relationship for 2-3-4 years and their bf/gf not being ready to commit. Is that something you are ready for?

[Kernal]

I feel she is ready for a committed relationship.. Based on her Saturday talk it might not be with Me. That's why it hurts

 

An established relationship is a relationship where the goal is clear and understood by both parties.

 

What you describe could be the pattern of a fwb relationship, of casual dating, or also a committed relationship.

 

Which one is it?

 

You don't know. Amazing isn't it?

 

You don't know because after 6 months of dating you don't want to ask her what is her goal. Not necessarily her goal with you, but what is her goal in dating?

 

What if she answers she is not ready for a serious relationship and doesn't know when she'll be? How much more time are you willing to invest in this? knowing that when she will be it may not meant it will be with you!

 

I have seen people posting about being in relationship for 2-3-4 years and their bf/gf not being ready to commit. Is that something you are ready for?

[Divasu]

Welp she's right about one thing... You're indecisive. What you need to be doing, is talking to HER about this.

[Kernal]

Your correct.. I need to hear from her where I stand in her life.

 

Welp she's right about one thing... You're indecisive. What you need to be doing, is talking to HER about this.

[Gaeta]

You just got out of a marriage, you may have several relationships before you find a mate for another long term relationship. If it's not her It's not the end of the world, you will move on and you'll be fine. The next woman will be as exciting and beautiful, probably even more.

[Divasu]

Your correct.. I need to hear from her where I stand in her life.

 

So ask her... I mean, do want another 6 months to go by and still not know what you're doing with each other? Only to wake up a year later (total) to find out that she is not that serious about you (that is a hypothetical, of course).

 

It seems to me, that you do not believe she is on the same page as you and instead of addressing it with her point blank, you're sitting by watching your life pass you by rather than directing it to where you want it to go.

 

I'm not suggesting you ask for her hand in marriage, but, if you feel strongly about her you do have the right to have those feelings reciprocated and not stay with someone when they aren't.

[Kernal]

I don't think she would still be seeing me in 6 more months if things weren't developing.

 

the more I think about her Saturday evening talk the more I feel it was just an expectation talk from her to me. Like I said before she was explaining to me some hesitation that she is having with our relationship. I am unlike any other guy she has dated so she has her inhibitions about me.

 

I'm going to call her after I get my tacos and see if I can go over.

 

So ask her... I mean, do want another 6 months to go by and still not know what you're doing with each other? Only to wake up a year later (total) to find out that she is not that serious about you (that is a hypothetical, of course).

 

It seems to me, that you do not believe she is on the same page as you and instead of addressing it with her point blank, you're sitting by watching your life pass you by rather than directing it to where you want it to go.

 

I'm not suggesting you ask for her hand in marriage, but, if you feel strongly about her you do have the right to have those feelings reciprocated and not stay with someone when they aren't.

[Kernal]

I ended up not getting home from the car dealer till 7.. I decided it was a little late to ask her to come over.. 20 minute drive.. She's always in bed by 9..

 

So she works Saturday. Thinking of offering to bring her dinner tonight at her house.. Not my house cause her stuff isn't ready for work..

 

I agree Divasu.. She's not on the same page.. I need to know if there is potential for that to develop..

Edited April 11, 2014 by Kernal

[Gaeta]

She's not on the same page.. I need to know if there is potential for that to develop..

Finally, I am glad you stop making her the decision maker of your life here. Her needs aren't the only important ones. YOU too have hopes and needs, don't be so willing to ignore them just to be with someone.

[Kernal]

This past couple weeks has been difficult. My divorce was final on Tuesday and my current relationship is in Question..

 

It's been very emotional. Very difficult.. Everything at once..

 

My current relationship has shielded me from the pain of my divorce.. Now everything is coming to a head.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Kernal

[BlueIris]

This past couple weeks has been difficult. My divorce was final on Tuesday and my current relationship is in Question..

 

It's been very emotional. Very difficult.. Everything at once..

 

My current relationship has shielded me from the pain of my divorce.. Now everything is coming to a head.

 

This is a very good, important realization. Let your internal waters calm and settle. The difficulty/turmoil might have nothing to do with your girlfriend, and she might realize that.

 

It hurts. Divorce is so difficult. That you acknowledge that is a really good sign that you are more self-aware person than many are. Really, no one can shield us or protect us from what's happening inside of ourselves~ maybe just a little.

 

I wouldn't press anything for a good long while. It is way too soon and the desire for certainty and reassurance is natural, but probably unachievable until some time and internal processing has passed. Be aware of the lens through which you are seeing your girlfriend, relationship and future right now. The divorce is extremely fresh.

[Kernal]

I was already pretty ok with where my gf and I were at. Maybe I wanted a little more emotional commitment from her but the time we spent together was ok.

 

I don't think pulling away from her or additional space is what's needed. Communication is what I need.

 

I'm going to text her after lunch in offered to bring over Chinese and a movie so we can relax tonight.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Kernal

[BlueIris]

That sounds about perfect.

 

How about you call the guy I started seeing and suggest it to him, too! haha Have a lovely evening.

[Kernal]

Thanks. Also have a bottle of cabernet. Her favorite..

 

Also not going to text.. Going to call her when I'm off at 230. I want to hear her voice. We are both off at same time.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Kernal