Need your insight about Girlfriend

[Kernal]

I would be fighting for nothing.

[Emilia]

I would be fighting for nothing.

this is why NC is recommended. The sooner you implement it, the better.

[Gaeta]

Depends on the situation. I hate using a rule and applying it with eyes closed.

 

YOU do no contact. If you get in touch with her it will only re-open your wound and throw you back to square one in your 'moving on' process.

 

The only phone call I will take from an ex is him on his knees, begging for forgiveness, telling me he's an idiot for letting me go and he is ready to commit 100%.

 

Anything else than that I don't want to hear it.

[Kernal]

I haven't had any contact with her since she broke up with me during a phone call Sunday afternoon.

 

I won't contact her. I am not expecting her to anyway.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Kernal

[RonaldS]

So, she says that she never really knew who you are and what you're about. You seemed to agree. And that begs the question...why, in your 40s, do you seemingly not have a strong grasp on your identity?

 

Do you, but you just sold out for her because you thought it would make her happy? Or are you one of those people who seem to adopt the identity of the person they're with?

 

If it's the latter, that's a far bigger issue than the failure of this relationship.

 

My XW was the same way. Her identity was shaped by whoever she was with. And when we were together, it got to the point where, as it was all starting to fall apart, where I asked hew who she really was. I seriously did not know, and as it turns out, she didn't know either. Now she's got her new guy, and I can already see how she's molding herself into him. Sad.

 

If you don't know who you are, figure it out before you try to have another relationship.

[Radu]

thank you for all the replies..

 

Normally I am the one that initiates the contact during the day (i.e. usually texting) Last week I decided to not text first and every day I didn't she texted me asking how my day was. So that was a good sign..

 

The last two weekends I worked saturdays but both saturdays she was with her sister shopping and came over to my place saturday night staying till early sunday afternoon. So she spent Friday night and Saturday without me but with her sister.

 

I think maybe ExpatinItaly has a point... A combo of both..

 

We haven't exchanged I Love you's yet... I just hadn't felt the vibe that she's ready for that step..

 

I think she senses Im getting more serious desiring more time with her than just the weekends.. So maybe she is evaluating the relationship.. Plus she's an independent woman.. So I just don't know..

 

See I don't want to move in with her or anything.. I think that would be the next step. I'm just now signing my divorce papers from my marriage..

I like things the way they are for the most part. I don't understand why she seems to be pulling away. I haven't made a big deal about seeing her more although I admitted it would be nice.

 

I think she really is stressed about work.. She's even dreaming about it.. plus she feels she's got to give me her time too. Probably pretty stressful. Theirs gotta be a way to make everyone happy.. I could be happy with just my weekends with her. For a while at least.. LOL

 

Why is the bolded such a big thing ?

You and someone else has presented this as if it is an excuse, an explanation ... why ?

 

Why don't we call it what it is most likely :

- you are both in your 40's, HS drama should be over with

- you seem to be getting over your divorce, what about her, what is her history ?

 

Grumpy is right, ppl make time for those things they care about.

She cares about you, but not enough.

Some may call it independence, i call it potential baggage from the past.

 

You are both in your 40's and you can't speak openly about this ... is that a red flag ?

[Radu]

I didn't realize when i posted above that the relationship was done already, so i'll answer to the post below.

 

Just a question.. Why on these boards when a person gets dumped the no contact rule is always recommended..

Generally, human relationships are about power [even when a romantic relationship fails, it is still part of the general relationship between the 2 ppl].

When someone dumps the other person, they have a headstart on getting over the relationship, on healing.

The instinctual reaction of the dumpee is to try and reclaim what was lost, and thus he/she is in a position where they are willing to trade stuff for it to happen, to accept a crappier deal.

Thus, the overall relationship between the 2 has shifted to one where the dumper holds more power than the dumpee.

Power which can be abused [and often is].

 

NC allows you to either make the transition period shorter [as a dumper], or to block the new situation where the dumper holds more power.

That is because in all relationships, one rule is absolute ... the one who cares the least, holds the most power.

 

In the end, all of it is about power and what the perception of it is.

 

Let's say my gf calls me or texts me wanting me back... I'm supposed to not answer her call??

 

Do I think this will happen?? .. No.. But

 

What situation do you fight for your relationship??

This is entirely up to you, if you want to answer that call or not.

 

But holding NC improves the chances of her calling, so if you consider remaking the relationship as a possibility, again, NC is the way to go initially.

 

Going into strong NC has nothing but advantages ... and weather or not you want to continue on with it, is entirely up to you, but it has to be held for as long as it is convenient to you.

[Gaeta]

I don't think it's OP character to melt his own personality into someone else'.

 

I think it's the sum of circumstances that made him handle it the way he did, like him just being out of a marriage, being vulnerable, wanting to please this woman at all cost, her criticizing his every word and move making him doubt himself.

 

We all have a story like this to tell, I do. At that time for different reasons I let my heart overrule my head with red flags attacking from all directions. It was an important life lesson for me as it will become one for OP.

[Kernal]

Yes. I agree.. I just wanted her to love me.. By being interested in the things she liked and enjoyed.. I'm sure I came across as being desperate.

 

But I denied her the opportunity to get to know who I was.

 

To quote her.. I tried too HARD.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Kernal

[Kernal]

Honestly I'm surprising myself. I have not had to fight the urge to contact her.

 

I guess I just feel deep down it wouldn't make a difference and like was said before... It will make me appear weak to her.

[Gaeta]

Honestly I'm surprising myself. I have not had to fight the urge to contact her.

 

I guess I just feel deep down it wouldn't make a difference and like was said before... It will make me appear weak to her.

 

That is great but be prepared, the feeling comes and goes. I got an email from an ex 2 months ago, I've never replied. I've spend days without thinking about it then suddenly I get weak and that's all I think about. When that happens I talk to my adult daughter and I ask her: 'remind me why I am not suppose to reply to his email'. She puts everything back into perspective and I am good to go again.

[Kernal]

But did you emotionally connect with him at one point.. That's the difference.. She never did with me.. She was done with me three months ago.. She had already walked away she just hadn't told me yet till Sunday.

 

 

I know what your saying but she would have to tell me something she's never told me before.. It was never there.

 

do you think she'll wake up tomorrow morning and suddenly realize she really loved me all along? Isn't that kind of ubserd?

 

That is great but be prepared, the feeling comes and goes. I got an email from an ex 2 months ago, I've never replied. I've spend days without thinking about it then suddenly I get weak and that's all I think about. When that happens I talk to my adult daughter and I ask her: 'remind me why I am not suppose to reply to his email'. She puts everything back into perspective and I am good to go again.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Kernal

[Gaeta]

But did you emotionally connect with him at one point.. That's the difference.. She never did with me.. She was done with me three months ago.. She had already walked away she just hadn't told me yet till Sunday.

 

 

I know what your saying but she would have to tell me something she's never told me before.. It was never there.

 

My struggle may be bigger indeed. He told me he was in love with me. He was the perfect boyfriend for 6 months, children and family involved. Then he left for a trip, got on a plane, and he went poof!

 

Got an email 2 months later saying what an amazing woman I was and I deserved better than him.

[torturedartist]

Hi,

 

I have been dating a wonderful lady for 6 months. We are both in our mid 40's and working professionals.

 

We live about 20 mins from each other and see each other mainly on the weekends due to our long work schedules and she has an hour commute to and from work. Occasionally we will go out in the middle of the week for dinner. About once every two weeks.

 

I have really been happy in our relationship but about three weeks ago Ive noticed some changes in her.

 

It started when she texted me she didn't sleep well. I said I didn't either but i always sleep better with her.. She texted back "Im not ready to get that serious yet". I told her that I was only stating that I was comfortable with her.. I guess she took it as me wanting to sleep together more or every night.

 

I asked her a week later if she wanted me to come over on a wed to watch TV.. She said she was tired.. She told me she is REALLY stressed out at work and having dreams about it.. She said all she wants to do after work is zone out and watch TV..

 

Anyways, this weekend we went to a renaissance festival for the weekend to see her sister get married.. We stayed from Friday till Sunday..

 

She was really distant the whole weekend. Not at all affectionate.. I asked her again what was wrong.. She said she was still stressed from work..

She said she feels I want more of her time and her work makes her too tired during the week.. Thats cool with me for now though.

 

I asked her about it Saturday night and she reiterated her stress at work.. she said when she gets home after work she wants to just zone out and not think about anything. She didn't want to keep talking about it so I changed the subject..

 

Anyways on the drive home I asked her about spending time together.. She said a few things that have me thinking..

 

She said she doesn't sleep well at my house.. She said she needs her makeup and clothes.. Yet when she comes over on friday or saturday she doesn't bring them. Its like she's not planning on staying but does anyways..

 

She also started talking about having to repaint her garage one weekend.. I offered to help but she seemed reluctant.. Said she would have to move everything out.. I took it like she didn't want my help.

 

Here is my take on this.. i think after 6 months of giving me almost all her weekends she might be missing her freetime or space and she's setting up to have more of that by what she said.

 

Her brother in law told me this weekend she has been by herself allot and is very independent which I agree.

 

 

What should I do? I'm pretty much the planner in our relationship.. Should I just leave it up to her if she wants to see me this friday/weekend? Give her an opportunity to have some space?

 

We normally text every day? Maybe i should back off from that?

 

thanks for listening

 

It sounds to me like you're being pretty reasonable, in respecting her need for alone-time.

 

It's possible that the stress of her work is causing her to act the way she is. But in most relationships, that would be all the more the reason for a woman to want to spend time with a guy she's really comfortable around.

 

We could sit here and speculate all day as to what's going on in her head. I think we can suffice it to say that you and she aren't at the same place, in what you're wanting from this relationship.

 

My advice would be to put the ball in her court, and be sincerely ready to let the relationship end. Tell her that you understand her need for alone-time, but the fact is that you want to be spending more time with someone. It's not that anyone is right or wrong; you just have different needs, and may not be a good match as a result. Tell her to contact you if/when she wants to spend some time with you. And then leave her alone, now matter how tempted you are to contact her.

 

I'd say there's a decent chance she'll come around completely, if and only if you're genuinely ready to let her go. There's probably a better chance that you won't hear from her again. IMO you've already put as much effort as you should have to into this, and any more effort you exert is only going to come across as desperation on your part - and women don't find desperation to be an attractive quality, in the least bit.

 

Hope that helps.

[BlueIris]

The last post was very insightful Gaeta.

 

How can I lose something I never had. She was my companion. we traveled and we slept together 2-3 times a week. We held hands and we kissed. She did refer to me as her boyfriend but that's about the most affirmation from her of any type of relationship we had.

 

She never gave me a card. She never wrote me a letter or note. She never posted our pictures on her facebook only I did as a couple. She never expressed not once how she felt about me.

 

A couple of times while laying in bed I told her how happy she made me and she said I made her happy too.. that's about it.

 

I was living on bread crumbs looking for a little tidbits of affection she might throw my way to reaffirm a relationship in her feelings towards me. my affirmation what's the simple fact she held my hand when I took it well we sat on the couch or what around.the fact that we slept together and had sex. I thought to myself that's enough. Now I need to realize how little effort you put into our relationship

 

yeah I know I fell in love with her.now my heart is paying the price

 

 

 

What you consider “bread crumbs” sounds fabulous to me. Read the book about Love Languages.

 

I’ve dated men who were talkers and gave and wanted verbal affirmation, but I’m a touch and activities love-language person. Men who want to talk and be affirmed verbally are eventually dissatisfied with me, but men who show and feel love through touch and actions, and who move at my relationship pace, think I’m very affectionate and we both feel loved.

 

Thinking that MY way is THE right way or better way is a problem- to me, the biggest most glaring problem in this thread.

 

It ticks me off when people say what my words and actions “really mean” or “what I REALLY feel” when I say or do something, when they read between lines, think there’s some underlying meaning, assume that all people think, feel and act like they do. There were a lot of posts like that in this thread.

 

I’ve been criticized and condemned, called cold, withholding, insincere, or told “I didn’t REALLY love” or I was “like a man” since I’m not a verbal affirmation love language person. I’ve had talk-love-language guys treat me like I’m stupid or skanky if I cuddle into him at a movie, or "just" hold hands, touch or kiss him as I walk by. It really hurts when you get told how inadequate you are because you don’t speak his love language, that you don’t give enough, or the “right” things at the right moment, and so on… when you thought you were being a good, loving girlfriend and you didn’t do anything mean. No, no, it’s just different love languages.

 

Personally I steer clear of what I consider fast movers, and talk-love-language people. I’ve had horrendous experiences where I felt verbally bulldozed or it felt like he was playing hide-the-ball because I didn’t say the right thing, the right way, at the right time, or fast enough… argh! I’ve even had guys get MAD AT ME because I don’t want to “talk about it” after he just dumped me! I say, “ok, I hope you find the right girl for you,” and walk to the door, and he gets mad at me because I “just confirmed” how cold I am because I don’t want a conversational deconstruction and he does! Shoot me already! Oh, I’ve been tempted to say, “F you!” but what would that lead to? MORE TALK! lol No, I am going to go swim or run til I drop or bawl my eyes out for three days in a fetal position- alone. ya know, because you just dumped me or chronicled my inadequacies?

 

So anyway, I hope you get my point. It was meant to be kind of humorous, but I really mean this. All of the love languages and different paces ARE FINE! If you realize and own how you are and that others might be different without being bad or inadequate, you might feel more confident and empowered to find a good match.

Edited May 6, 2014 by BlueIris

[Kernal]

Interesting read bluiris

 

My love language is physical too.. She did touch me allot.. But absolutely no verbal affirmation. One time after one month into relationship she called me her sweety.. That was it

[crederer]

I'd drop off her radar for a while. See if she contacts you within 48 - 60 hours.

 

If she doesn't.... low interest level alert, here, bud......

 

Yeah pretty much this.

 

Fade away, if she's interested she'll reach out.

[LifeIsGreat]

OP.... take her at her word AND actions. She is done and you are not the guy for her. It's over.....move on. She is NOT going to wake up one day thinking she lost the love of her life or the best man for her. The longer/more you think she may, the longer/harder your recovery. MAN UP!! It's OK to hurt, but you need to move on to other things/thoughts. If your posts are any indication of how you dealt with her...... well, let's just say it ain't good.

[Kernal]

I'm curious as to what you meant by how you dealt with her?do you feel I dealt with her initial pulling away incorrectly? Should I have done something different possibly salvage the relationship?

 

 

 

[QUOTE=LifeIsGreat;5687527]OP.... take her at her word AND actions. She is done and you are not the guy for her. It's over.....move on. She is NOT going to wake up one day thinking she lost the love of her life or the best man for her. The longer/more you think she may, the longer/harder your recovery. MAN UP!! It's OK to hurt, but you need to move on to other things/thoughts. If your posts are any indication of how you dealt with her...... well, let's just say it ain't good.

[Gaeta]

I'm curious as to what you meant by how you dealt with her?do you feel I dealt with her initial pulling away incorrectly? Should I have done something different possibly salvage the relationship?

 

Stop it !

 

There is nothing you could have done differently to change how she did NOT feel about you.

 

When you are into someone there is very little you can do to turn them off. You were into this woman, she made plenty of mistakes and yet it did not turn you off. That's how it is when you're into someone. She was not into you, end of it.

[LifeIsGreat]

Needy, clingy, desperate!!!!! While you are healing think about what you could have done differently (WITHOUT crossing your own boundaries and WITHOUT loosing yourself). If there is something that needs to change, then change it and learn from it--- and MOVE ON with that lesson. Nothing personal.... but for a 40 something year old man you sound like you are in High School, and that's not a good thing. Again, even us middle aged people can act like this from time-to-time. The key is when you recognize it you should be able to correct yourself like a middle aged man and not continue the drama like a 17 year old. You have received some very mature advice from some people in these hundreds of posts. Stop asking questions and go get a life

[Kernal]

You are very correct. Thank you

[Sunfire73]

When i try to move on, I try to think about the time before i met my ex. I survived before meeting him, so I can survive after the relationship as well. Part of healing is also to learn and accept that it's over, and that it was not meant to be. But also, to keep the good memories and the lessons despite not being able to work it out. That way, you don't feel that you have wasted your time with someone. At times you think of the what ifs, etc, and that is fine as part of grieving, but you just have to get back up and try again. At least you got your rebound relationship out of the way, lol

[Kernal]

Thank you Sunfire