Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Ohhhhhh I am so so sorry !! What did she say? How are you doing?
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 She said my lack of confidence was the factor. She said she never knew who Bryan was.. She said she needed someone who was confident. She said my nervousness around her was a turn off. She said it was VERY stressful knowing I was so much into her and she could not reciprocate the same feelings.
HappyLove Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 She did you a favor. Now you can find someone who is as into you as you are into them. Sorry it happened that way though but you deserve better. 1
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 She said my lack of confidence was the factor. She said she never knew who Bryan was.. She said she needed someone who was confident. She said my nervousness around her was a turn off. She said it was VERY stressful knowing I was so much into her and she could not reciprocate the same feelings. She is a fool..... She needs to meet a few more morons that will again push her across a room before understanding the value of a man like you. I am sure it's hard for you, you were very into her, and I am sorry you have to go through a heartbreak. Your gut feeling told you something was off, You thought it was your insecurities talking but it was your instinct, don't be hesitant to rely on it in the future. 1
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) She said she never knew who I was. I was so into her that I showed so much interest in her own interests and activities that I never allowed her to get to know myself. I was a like a chameleon. She said for 2 months she has carried guilt because she didn't have the same feelings for me that I did for her. I'm sure this is like a ton of bricks of her shoulders. I told her I love her and I want her to know that it's important that she's happy even its if its without me Edited May 5, 2014 by Kernal
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 she said she never knew who I was. I was so into her I showed so much interest in her own interests and activities that I never allowed her to get to know myself. I was a chameleon. she said for 2 months she carried guilt because she didn't have the same feelings for me that I did for her. I'm sure this is like a ton of bricks of her shoulders. I told her I love her and I want her to know that it's important that she's happy even its if its without me She admits leading you on for 2 months. How could she live with herself ? Why did she let it go on for so long perfectly knowing you were not it for her!! I would be extremely mad at someone doing this to me! In all consciousness letting me grow feelings for them when they know it's a dead end! Yes you lost yourself into this. You wanted to change everything about yourself to please her. Change your character, personality and even diagnosed yourself with some type of syndrom to explain why you coukd not be exactly as she wanted. 1
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 pathetic. I know. That's not what a confident man would do is it? I have counseling set up for Thursday. I need to address this issue before I get in another relationship
Mrin Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Dude I am so sorry but I think this is probably for the best
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 She said my lack of confidence was the factor. She said she never knew who Bryan was.. She said she needed someone who was confident. She said my nervousness around her was a turn off. She said it was VERY stressful knowing I was so much into her and she could not reciprocate the same feelings. I'm sorry to hear that she has broken up with you. I did wonder if something like this was happening though For the record I don't agree with Gaeta that she was leading you on.I think she was evaluating things. The best thing you can do for you is to get out there and persue your own interests and hobbies for fun and to get your confidence back. Break ups are tough though. Give yourself a bit of healing time. Hope you are OK.
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I Don't think she was leading me on. She did say she should have broke up with me 2 months ago when things were not developing like they should have been. I think our talks with me were a plea from her for me to change. I don't think she wanted to end the relationship but felt she had to one of the things she said if she wanted to be with somebody that was comfortable around her. She kept saying I was nervous around her.. To me being nervous is the opposite of being confident. I really need to explore why I was perceived as nervous around her. Either she meant literally or by calling me nervous it's just her way of saying a lack of confidence. in retrospect I think back and I really don't have any hobbies other than working. So when her and I got together I didn't bring anything interesting about myself to the table. You know if I was into shooting or motorcycles or fishing or whatever. all I pretty much do is work. I need to get out and define myself. Find a hobby make some friends with similar interests so the next relationship I will have something beside the new girl to fill my time. So I'm not so available because I'll have my own thing to do sometimes Edited May 5, 2014 by Kernal
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 ...... She did say she should have broke up with me 2 months ago when things were not developing like they should have been. That means 2 months ago she had already assessed the situation and had already decided this relation ship was not viable. one of the things she said if she wanted to be with somebody that was comfortable around her. She kept saying I was nervous around her.. To me being nervous is the opposite of being confident. Of course you were not comfortable around her ! She kept telling you about not being the usual man she dates, about how you're not the type A she likes, about type A would not have done this and that, your every move were observed and later criticize. Anyone would be nervous around her. I really need to explore why I was perceived as nervous around her. Either she meant literally or by calling me nervous it's just her way of saying a lack of confidence. The why you were nervous I said above. Also, what makes her a specialist of what is a confident man and what is not? This woman has been in relationship with controlling and abusive men, she doesn't know the difference between arrogance and confidence. Why give any importance to what she views as 'lack of confidence'. There is nothing wrong with you. She was just the wrong woman for you. in retrospect I think back and I really don't have any hobbies other than working. So when her and I got together I didn't bring anything interesting about myself to the table. You know if I was into shooting or motorcycles or fishing or whatever. all I pretty much do is work. I need to get out and define myself. Find a hobby make some friends with similar interests so the next relationship I will have something beside the new girl to fill my time. So I'm not so available because I'll have my own thing to do sometimes Everyone should have friends and hobbies especially when you come out of a divorce. I don't think that was the problem with her. The problem was she was not into you so everything about you, in her yes, was not good enough. 3
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 The why you were nervous I said above. Also, what makes her a specialist of what is a confident man and what is not? This woman has been in relationship with controlling and abusive men, she doesn't know the difference between arrogance and confidence. Why give any importance to what she views as 'lack of confidence'. Just to say, controlling and abusive men are insecure and lacking in confidence, that's where their behaviour stems from. They are not confident nor arrogant. 1
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 I feel like my heart has been ripped out.. She told me last night on the phone that she didn't want to be by me like my ex wife was. My ex was not affectionate at all. She said any affection she gave me was forced not natural. When we would lay in bed she always would have her back to me the last 3 or 4 months. I really need to focus on the fact that she really wasn't meeting my needs at all. she was a good companion and we did lots together but I was always insecure and it made me miserable because I could just sence she wasn't that into me. This compounded my insecurities and snowball. I probably sabotaged the whole relationship because of these vibes. I guess it's too late now to worry about it.
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You did NOT sabotage anything !!! She was not into you, and this since the beginning. You ignored all the red flags, you spent too much time in this dead-end relationship, that's your mistake. I hope you are done talking to her. She is being extremely cruel with you. She could spare your feelings at this point and STOP pointing to you how much she did not feel you. She used you as a crutch. She had known for a long time this was not it, she knew it so deep in her gut that she turned her back to you in bed....the last 3-4 months and you still don't think she was misleading you??? 1
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Just to say, controlling and abusive men are insecure and lacking in confidence, that's where their behaviour stems from. They are not confident nor arrogant. Absolutely. Abusive men are not confident, but they are arrogant, it's a front to manipulate and control. This woman doesn't know what confidence is. She thinks a controlling abusive behavior is confidence so why would OP pay any any attention when she says he lacks confidence. Yes OP may lack confidence but she has no clue what healthy confidence looks like. 1
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I could just sence she wasn't that into me. This compounded my insecurities and snowball. I probably sabotaged the whole relationship because of these vibes. How can you sabotage something that does not exist? If she had been in love with you and you did something to make her stop loving you then yes you can talk about you sabotaged something. In this case here there was nothing to sabotage to begin with. You never had her. 2
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) The last post was very insightful Gaeta. How can I lose something I never had. She was my companion. we traveled and we slept together 2-3 times a week. We held hands and we kissed. She did refer to me as her boyfriend but that's about the most affirmation from her of any type of relationship we had. She never gave me a card. She never wrote me a letter or note. She never posted our pictures on her facebook only I did as a couple. She never expressed not once how she felt about me. A couple of times while laying in bed I told her how happy she made me and she said I made her happy too.. that's about it. I was living on bread crumbs looking for a little tidbits of affection she might throw my way to reaffirm a relationship in her feelings towards me. my affirmation what's the simple fact she held my hand when I took it well we sat on the couch or what around.the fact that we slept together and had sex. I thought to myself that's enough. Now I need to realize how little effort you put into our relationship yeah I know I fell in love with her.now my heart is paying the price Edited May 5, 2014 by Kernal
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Absolutely. Abusive men are not confident, but they are arrogant, it's a front to manipulate and control. This woman doesn't know what confidence is. She thinks a controlling abusive behavior is confidence so why would OP pay any any attention when she says he lacks confidence. Yes OP may lack confidence but she has no clue what healthy confidence looks like. They are not always arrogant- but I do see where you are coming from. I also agree that there wasn't anything to be sabotaged. This started only ever as casual from both parties. Somewhere along the way this changed for you and she became aware of that. I feel sad that you appear not to have been honest with yourself along the way saying you are happy with how the relationship is and what level it is at when you very clearly weren't. I don't think you did anything wrong. You two just were not compatible as time went on. It's rough just now and raw but you're better off with a clean slate now than you would be if you were in this same position another 6 months down the line. 3
HappyLove Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You need to evaluate why you keep dating unaffectionate women when that's what you desire. This woman is a fool, please stop beating yourself up for HER insecurities. She couldn't appreciate a man who didn't beat her and treat her like crap. Let her get out there and come across some jerks. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to weasel her way back to you in the future. Please go no contact and leave her be. Some people just have it too good and can't appreciate what they have. YOU need to learn not to settle because that's what you did with her!
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 I asked her last night if there was anything I could say on the phone that would change her mind and she said no. That to me she said enough to know that me texting her or trying to convince her otherwise would be fruitless. So no I am NOT going to contact her. If she did change her mind and get back together at this point it would just be because she felt sorry for me and I don't want to have a relationship based on that or lack thereof. I just keep thinking about what she said the reason why she thought we were incompatible. She kept saying she felt like I was always nervous around her. She said she wanted to be with somebody that was comfortable with her. she said I tried too hard. That's why because I felt like I was trying to earn her love and I wasn't doing something right. The only thing I can think of is I was nervous because I never got any affirmation of her feelings towards me. Not once in 7 almost 8 months
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I asked her last night if there was anything I could say on the phone that would change her mind and she said no. That to me she said enough to know that me texting her or trying to convince her otherwise would be fruitless. So no I am NOT going to contact her. If she did change her mind and get back together at this point it would just be because she felt sorry for me and I don't want to have a relationship based on that or lack thereof. I just keep thinking about what she said the reason why she thought we were incompatible. She kept saying she felt like I was always nervous around her. She said she wanted to be with somebody that was comfortable with her. she said I tried too hard. That's why because I felt like I was trying to earn her love and I wasn't doing something right. The only thing I can think of is I was nervous because I never got any affirmation of her feelings towards me. Not once in 7 almost 8 months I didn't think either of you had said you loved each other? Acting nervous around someone can be visible in lots of ways.
BlueIris Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I think it’s great that OP is going to start therapy, given his rocky relationship history and especially that he’s marginalized the importance of his (3rd?) divorce being finalized only a month ago. This kind of scenario is exactly why I don’t date still-married people in the midst of divorce- not that they’re bad people, but it is very often an emotional minefield. Often they’re seeking diversion from inner turmoil, and haven’t dealt with their own stuff and become strong and centered within themselves. The rebound, life-saver-grab marriage after a divorce is too common for my comfort. Might be because I did divorce law so long and handled the first divorce then the follow-up divorces, I’ve just seen it too much to not give it its due. OP, good luck in therapy. It can be very empowering and life-changing. Look within, reset, and love again one day, from a stronger place. You'll get there! 2
Lansing Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I agree with the other poster that you should go complete no contact. I have had this situation before where I felt like I was more into the girl than she was into me. It caused me to change my behavior because I started doubting myself. I think you are better off without her. Truly I do. You can now work to find someone that will appreciate you for you. Maybe also think about letting things develop a bit slower next time. Try not to "like" her so much or do too much at the start and let things develop slowly. Don't put a girl on a pedestal. Try not to give her affection if she doesn't deserve it/hasn't earned it. If a girl sees you keep giving and giving even though she isn't returning the affection I think she starts to wonder why you are showing her so much attention/etc when she hasn't deserved it. 2
Author Kernal Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 no. Either one of us it said it although I felt it. I know she didn't because she told me that she didn't view me as a long term relationship due to the reasons I've already stated. I felt pressured to win her love and do everything right. That's probably why I was so nervous around her. Always worrying about trying to say the right thing to be charming or witty. It ended up making me just look nervous and uncomfortable because I really couldn't just relax and be myself. maybe if she had affirmed her feelings towards me I would have been able to relax. I really want to sit down and write her a long email explaining all this. And send it to her. Is that a mistake
Recommended Posts