atlg8r Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Caveat: I did not get to read all the replies after your most recent update/conversation with the gf. The last long update you wrote sounded a lot like me with my ex. We cared about each other a great deal, and in some ways, yes, we even loved each other. But we weren't right together, and it always seemed like one or the other of us needed to "fix" something about ourselves, and "then we would be perfect" or "then we would be happy." My personal opinion from the brief knowledge I have of you is that 1) you should probably take some time following your divorce to be on your own and figure out what exactly you want out of life and relationships, and 2) this woman is dragging her feet, which is a huge red flag to me. I am afraid you are going to do all this work to be the perfect man you think she wants, and you are still going to get hurt. 1
BlueIris Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) It sounds as though you want her to say these things first, to be the one who takes that risk and expresses deeper emotion and commitment first. It feels safer when we know that our own feelings and wishes will be welcomed and reciprocated. I completely agree with what atlg8r said. And yet, if you withdraw, OP (which I think you are doing), ironically, you could be what she might have been cautious about to begin with- the married man waiting on his divorce, who just dumps her once the divorce is final. I’ve lived it. His divorce was a cloud, that kept us in suspension, in a way. He never said he loved me, or told me what he wanted, or that he wanted me and me for who I was. He just left. I wasn’t enough? Whereas, I was waiting to see if the divorce went through and how we would be after it was over, if his anxiety and worry would abate and he would still want me once the tension lifted. I was holding his hand, if you will, and once he didn’t need that and the divorce was over, I was toast. OP, I don’t know your girlfriend, or you. I just wonder if you are drawing a secret line in the sand about how she should be toward you now, and you yourself are not willing to cross that line. I think that's what happened with me, but of course I don't know because he never revealed what was going on inside of him. The fear of getting hurt is huge at this age, or it feels that way. We know what hurt feels like in a way that we didn't when we were younger. I am always afraid that I will get hurt. Inevitable. That IS the risk. Edited April 14, 2014 by BlueIris
Author Kernal Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 thank you Blueiris. I told her Friday night before we went to bed I was satisfied at the present where we are at in the relationship but I was making a future investment in her. She said that this is all I can give you and I can't give you any guarantees. To me that's saying flat out she's not wanting me to tell her I love her at the present time. That's her saying it is what it is. No promises for the future. Why? Because of her inhibitions of me or her own issues with commitment.
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 thank you Blueiris. I told her Friday night before we went to bed I was satisfied at the present where we are at in the relationship but I was making a future investment in her. She said that this is all I can give you and I can't give you any guarantees. To me that's saying flat out she's not wanting me to tell her I love her at the present time. That's her saying it is what it is. No promises for the future. Why? Because of her inhibitions of me or her own issues with commitment. Exactly. I strongly suggest your give yourself a deadline. Same thing happened to me that is why I am so insisting on not wasting time. I waited 1 full for this man to commit and it never happened. I broke it off on the day we had been dating for 1 year. I really resented myself for having invested a whole year in this man. Now my deadline is 3 to 6 months. No more.
BlueIris Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 thank you Blueiris. I told her Friday night before we went to bed I was satisfied at the present where we are at in the relationship but I was making a future investment in her. She said that this is all I can give you and I can't give you any guarantees. To me that's saying flat out she's not wanting me to tell her I love her at the present time. That's her saying it is what it is. No promises for the future. Why? Because of her inhibitions of me or her own issues with commitment. I don't interpret it that way. It is not true that you are satisfied at the present where you are at in the relationship, as your posts here prove. But you must do what is right for you. 1
Author Kernal Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) I want more because I love her but I'm willing to wait on her if she needs some time.. I don't see a point right now in demanding she make immediately more commitment... Even if I feel that way. Sometimes people move at different speeds. I totally agree about a deadline.. I'm thinking of 2-3 months to see if things get a little more involved. Edited April 14, 2014 by Kernal
BlueIris Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 She didn’t say that “flat out.” You FELT it that way. I interpret it as wanting to wait to see who you are post-divorce, and then, to see how the two of you are together after the storm. It's an entirely new phase. I agree with her that a week ago was "day one" but in a metaphorical sense. You keep churning things through your own head/ feelings/ fears and drawing conclusions that you then assign to her. Many people decide what someone else feels and thinks, they see that person though their own lens, and then they use that- their own conclusions- to make it the other person's "fault" to justify their exit. It is not true that you are satisfied at the present where you are at in the relationship, as your posts here prove. Why did you say that? You want something from her that she's not giving and that you haven't given either. You too have been tentative. You must do what is right for you. But don't drag it out. Give her deadline? Pfft. Better to drop her now. I would never want to date anyone who had a clock on me, or some agenda or dare hanging over me. Yeah, let her go. Good luck, Kernal.
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You must do what is right for you. But don't drag it out. Give her deadline? Pfft. Better to drop her now. I would never want to date anyone who had a clock on me, or some agenda or dare hanging over me. Yeah, let her go. I suggested he give 'himself' a deadline. How long someone should wait till the other one falls in love is very personal but someone should not wait indefinitely. Personally I think after 6 months if someone is not in love it won't happen. You can grow to respect the person, to feel affection for them, to grow attached to them but the 'being in love' delay is gone. Also, I do not believe someone can keep themselves from falling in love. We have no control over it. This woman did not decide she won't allow herself to fall in love with OP till his divorce, it doesn't work that way, feelings cannot be controlled that way.
Author Kernal Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 When she says this is all I can give you right now it's not the time to drop the first I love you. 1
Author Kernal Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I married my second wife twice. She knows I took her back before and remarried her after three years being divorced. She told me a couple months ago what's to keep you from going back to her again? I just got all her boxes out of my house last weekend.
atlg8r Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I married my second wife twice. She knows I took her back before and remarried her after three years being divorced. She told me a couple months ago what's to keep you from going back to her again? I just got all her boxes out of my house last weekend. Wow! That is pertinent. I would also be hesitant. My ex had issues with letting go of previous flames. Knowing this, I think she is right to move slowly. 2
Author Kernal Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) Ok.. History. I was married to my second wife for eight years.. Divorced for three. Then remarried her which only lasted for about 15 months before we separated in August. Met my current gf one month after separation (September) my ex wife had most of her things in garage and closets (boxed) till last weekend. My gf knew those things were the ex wife's. Nothing remains and divorce was final on Tuesday. That's why her day one statement might be significant. Edited April 14, 2014 by Kernal 1
Divasu Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Glad to read that you're addressing things with your girlfriend head on. Yes Gaeta, I agree.. On Saturday night I flat out told her that at about this point I felt she was deciding whether I was a long term or short term relationship.. She agreed and said she could give no guarantees.. But are there ever any guarantees? On one hand, she is ambivalent. No where in the above did you ask for a "guarantee". On the other hand, seeing your divorce is fairly recent, I can understand her hesitance. Ah what to do, what to do.
Author Kernal Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 I have my desires in this relationship.. My feeling have moved forward more quickly than her's I met her online and in her profile she said she was cautious about relationships.. So I knew this going in. I know her pretty well and i think if she didn't think our relationship had potential she would have already ended it. Not that she won't in the future but I guess I can live day by day. Try to relax and chill out about things. I know my insecurities are evident to her no matter how hard I try to hide them and that I'm sure it's effecting her decision to invest in us.
Author Kernal Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) Need some advice although I think I know what you guys will probably tell me.. Last Sunday GF suggested we drive down to Fredericksburg because there is a shop there that she really loves and she wants to buy something for Jazzfest.. It was 1PM and Fredericksburg is a 3 hour drive.. I told her that its a 6 hour round drip and we would get there just as the shops were closing.. She agreed and said "Maybe I'll take this friday off and see if my sister can get off. We can go there together since its her Birthday on Saturday" I said "thats cool" Anyways.... Her and I are going to dinner tonight and I was thinking of asking her if her sister was able to get off work and if they were going.. If so then all is good and say no more... She needs her time with her sister.. No problems. If she tells me her sister couldn't get off I was going to tell her I could take Friday off and we could drive down there together Friday morning. Saturday her sister is throwing a birthday party at her house. Crawfish boil. Do you guys think this would be a mistake? Give her more space? Spend a good day together? She can always say no. Edited April 16, 2014 by Kernal
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Noticed how instead of rescheduling another day with YOU she simply decided to ask her sister? That means she wanted company to get to this place, any company, not specifically yours. No, do not follow up with her or offer yourself as her Butler. What did your doc say?
Author Kernal Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 That might very well be true.. But she also knows I work on Fridays.. She has never asked me to take off work.. Especially to go clothes shopping. My doctor noted my issued with concentration and focus. She also said I seemed a bit anxious talking about it. I reiterated this isnt just about a girl.. this is effecting my whole life. She gave me a blood test to test my thyroid for problems.. She said the thyroid be the cause of problems like mine.. I should get the results today. It is treatable. She also gave me some zoloft to help my concentration. I haven't told her i went to the doctor.. I dont know if that would be a good idea. Noticed how instead of rescheduling another day with YOU she simply decided to ask her sister? That means she wanted company to get to this place, any company, not specifically yours. No, do not follow up with her or offer yourself as her Butler. What did your doc say?
Author Kernal Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Thank. I have a date with my gf tonight. We are going to dinner.
Mrin Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I haven't told her i went to the doctor.. I dont know if that would be a good idea. You know, I wouldn't. I don't see it really helping your case - results are what matter to her. I guess if later you get this "wow, you've really changed! What's gotten into you" you could say "I decided to do something about it and...". Demonstrates you are a man of action. But I would do that after the results are noted not before. If that makes sense. 1
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I haven't told her i went to the doctor.. I dont know if that would be a good idea. You may have no choice to tell her. Did you read the first side effect of Zoloft in men?
Author Kernal Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Umm no? Also if it's a thyroid issue I wouldn't be on zoloft
Author Kernal Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) Yes.. The doctor seemed to think it was a thyroid issue. I find out the results today. The results would be subtle over many weeks. But I see your point but if it's a thyroid gland problem it's an actual medical issue. Dr said she thought my thyroid was inflamed. You know, I wouldn't. I don't see it really helping your case - results are what matter to her. I guess if later you get this "wow, you've really changed! What's gotten into you" you could say "I decided to do something about it and...". Demonstrates you are a man of action. But I would do that after the results are noted not before. If that makes sense. Edited April 16, 2014 by Kernal
Gaeta Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Umm no? Also if it's a thyroid issue I wouldn't be on zoloft Erectile difficulties
Author Kernal Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Well I guess if I stay on this I'll have to address the issue. Lol
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