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Need your insight about Girlfriend


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Posted
Can you expand on something? When she said Tuesday (The day my divorce was final) was day one for her..

 

To me that's saying she wasn't going to get too involved or committed until my divorce was final.. See she knew I had married my ex wife twice. She told me in the past what was to keep me from going back for a third.

 

I really dont think she was saying she's throwing the previous six months out the window.. I just think knowing my history with my ex wife she didn't want to take the risk.

 

Now that im officially divorced I took that as her ready to move forward.

 

No, sorry. I don't interpret this as her saying 'lets move forward now'.

 

That woman is very smart and would not use words you risk interpreting into something else, that is why she did not use the words 'we now can move forward'. She carefully picked to say Tuesday was like day 1 for her.

 

So what does it mean 'Tuesday was like day 1' ? Means she is starting from scratch, not continuing.

 

Of course that doesn't erase your last 6 months but in terms of expectation toward this relationship it puts her back at square one. So now you bring up where this relationship is heading she will use this as 'well you just got your divorce'.....

 

Again: I have not seen her answer clearly where you stand in her life and where she would like this relationship to head. All I heard is 'no guarantee', and I am back at 'day 1' with you.

Posted
I think if you tell her about the doc and why you are going she will be 'wtf?'

 

I'm V similar to your lady as i have said before.

 

I am bowing out of this thread...because I can't handle it any longer.

 

Good luck OP! I hope it works out! :)

 

Too bad! You brought a different perspective.

  • Author
Posted

I asked where I stood in her life and she replied. "Your my boyfriend"

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Posted

Im so sorry. I appreciated your perspective. I assume because you dont feel like I'm listening to you. Please be assured I am.

 

I think if you tell her about the doc and why you are going she will be 'wtf?'

 

I'm V similar to your lady as i have said before.

 

I am bowing out of this thread...because I can't handle it any longer.

 

Good luck OP! I hope it works out! :)

Posted
I asked where I stood in her life and she replied. "Your my boyfriend"
haha, that's not an answer. But like I said, she's smart and she's not going to say anything you can build hopes on.

 

She told you in many ways she just wants to date, she wants no expectations, no commitment bigger than just being girlfriend and boyfriend, she told you she had doubts about your personality compatibilities, she needs more space, she nitpick about you calling your mom, how you drive, how you're indecisive on this and that, etc. and when I ask what she likes about you for goodness sake the answer is 'your generosity and kindness' ? Really....could she have come up with something more generic !!

 

So, in life, things have tendencies to fall into place given time. You keep on dating her, because that is what you want to hear, and let it unfold on its own. If it's not meant to be it will come to an end on its own given time.

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Posted

Thank you

 

I am going to relax and take it day by day. I'm going to stop micro analyzing everything she says because it's not healthy for me and that in itself will destroy any hopes I have of continuing this relationship.

 

I think I am exhibiting self destructive behavior which is undermining the relationship. She has said she's easy going.. She has said to relax.. I need to take that advice.

 

Im going to the doctor for myself and no I am not going to mention it to her.

 

Relax.

  • Like 1
Posted
Thank you

 

I am going to relax and take it day by day. I'm going to stop micro analyzing everything she says because it's not healthy for me and that in itself will destroy any hopes I have of continuing this relationship.

 

I think I am exhibiting self destructive behavior which is undermining the relationship. She has said she's easy going.. She has said to relax.. I need to take that advice.

 

Im going to the doctor for myself and no I am not going to mention it to her.

 

Relax.

Good stuff and good luck :)
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Posted

Thank you.. I'll let you know if anything else happens.. But Im just going to chill. going over tonight to cook her dinner since she worked today.

Posted

She is one lucky girl.

I hope it goes as you wish, sincerely.

Posted

If she cares more about work then you, then she's just not that interested in you. After 6 months, a woman should know whether she wants a relationship with you or not, and if she's pulling away, I think that's a no.

It could be for many reasons, but personally I would talk to her instead of doing this "drift away" thing, unless you have decided you're going to move on and no longer want a relationship with her.

Honesty is best in this scenario, and if you feel she isn't being honest... maybe it's best to move on.

Posted

"Maybe i should back off from that?"

HELL YEAH..!!!!!

 

listen stop initiating things with her and be the most passive guy ever!!!!

the best way to so this is by you FINDING A NEW WOMAN!!!

 

it seems like shie's making excuses all the time and EVEN IF SHE'S NOT

 

you don't wanna be with someone who you want more than she does

 

LET HER CHASE YOU FROM NOW ON.....

Posted
Good morning,

 

Last night I stopped by and picked up some Chinese food and went over to my girlfriend's house. We ate and talked till it was time to go to the outdoor concert where we met her sister and her husband..

 

We had a great time listening to the music.. When we got home we went to bed and were intimate.. Afterwards I felt it was time to have the talk I needed to have with her.

 

I told her that I wanted to bring up last Saturday's talk because I needed some clarifications on what she had said to me. I told her when she first started her conversation I thought it might have been a breakup speech.. She laughed and said "No No No"

 

I told her that I am not a Type A and would never be.. I said I have many characteristics of type A's but I am more mellow. I have career goals like Type A's and I work VERY hard to achieve many of them but know how to balance my home and work life.

 

She said she knew this and didn't expect me to become a Type A. She said this entire speech was just her telling me what women (her) desire in a relationship.

 

I told her I could some it up in one word.. She wants SECURITY. She said yes but not entirely.. it was more complex..

 

She told me that she feels I am a bit scatterbrained. She brought up my driving as an example. When we drive around our home town (About 130000 people) she has to give me directions or tell me which way to go.

 

I told her that she has lived her 40 years and I have lived here for two.. I do not know every shortcut.

 

BUT here is the deal. I lived very close to her house for a year before I met her when I was married. SO I should know her area..

 

Last night on the drive to the concert I was going to go straight through a red-light instead of turning left and she had to remind me or I would have went the wrong way..

 

I lived there a year and I should have known to make a left at that light.

 

Then last week I was coming up to my house and got off the freeway.. My road is first on the right and I drove right past the road.. She was like WTF??

 

She told me if I am so scatterbrained how could she have the confidence I could make decisions and lead in our relationship.. She said she should be able to relax when I'm driving and not worry about making sure we get to our destination.

 

I didn't say this to her but she is correct. I agree. If my GF was like that it would be annoying too. I don't know.. Maybe I have too much on my mind when she is with me or I am distracted.. She isn't the only person who is in my life that has noticed this about me the past couple of years.

 

She asked why I was always asking her advice on directions in the car. She thought it was maybe to include her into the driving experience or make smalltalk which to her is unnecessary.. I told her I had noticed that she always suggests the directions to take and I acknowledged she has lived here 40 years and might know a better route. She told me to just drive and stop worrying about it. I know why I do this.. It's my lack of confidence knowing she is frustrated with my sense of direction.

 

I told her I was satisfied where our relationship was at this point although I would like to see her a bit more even if was to come over and watch a little TV together and then go home..

 

She said right now this relationship is as serious as she feels comfortable with.. I told her that this is about the time I thought she would be evaluating our relationship as a long term or short term.. She agreed. I asked her what she thought about ours and she said she wouldn't give any guarantees. I agreed and said that dating is like a test drive.. there are never any guarantees. She laughed.

 

She said its a misconception women want an ********* for a boyfriend. She said that sometimes a man needs to be that way to make a point. If he's right than his woman will respect that by putting her in her place.

 

Another IMPORTANT pouint the brought up is although we have been dating for 6 months my divorce was just final last Tuesday.. She said Tuesday was like day one for her. She said we still need to continue to get to know one another.

 

I told her that the first month of our relationship was very tumultuous. Although my ex had moved out 3 months prior she was coming over trying to get me back. I had to push her away until she gave up.

 

I am going to see a Dr. next week about adult ADD. I looked up the symptoms and I seem to have many of the symptoms that are her concerns in our relationship. Not for HER but for ME.

 

Thoughts?

 

Also, Should I tell her I am going to the DR about the ADD or keep it to myself?

 

Long thread so everything I hit may not be in above quote.

 

In other words she's told you who her "ideal" man is and that you're not it. Where's your pride?

 

She pointed out a flaw in you being scatterbrained. Did she bring any of her shortcommings to the table??

 

Six months in and your afraid to ask her a question about the relationship.

 

Now your going to the doctor to get checked forr add (not for her for you).

 

You're a a hardcore chaser who's purpose is to win the approval of a woman. You're settling for breadcrumbs like another poster said. You operate out of fear. Ther's no fluidity in your relationship. If she did a 180 (she won't) you'd be on the first train out of town because it would put out your fire to "win" a woman over.

 

I apologize for being harsh and I'm not judging you. I'm the same way and am working on seeking out women who LIKE me. As crazy as it sounds it's easier said than done.

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Posted

She has been honest with me.. Said she was giving me all she felt comfortable with... I said I was good with that but I was making an investment with her... She said thats good but she could make me no promises.

 

Dating is that way.. No promises.. Thats why we date.. to see if we are compatible.

 

 

 

 

 

If she cares more about work then you, then she's just not that interested in you. After 6 months, a woman should know whether she wants a relationship with you or not, and if she's pulling away, I think that's a no.

It could be for many reasons, but personally I would talk to her instead of doing this "drift away" thing, unless you have decided you're going to move on and no longer want a relationship with her.

Honesty is best in this scenario, and if you feel she isn't being honest... maybe it's best to move on.

Posted
She has been honest with me.. Said she was giving me all she felt comfortable with... I said I was good with that but I was making an investment with her... She said thats good but she could make me no promises.

 

Dating is that way.. No promises.. Thats why we date.. to see if we are compatible.

 

Simply, your her "right now guy" she doesn't really seem like she wants to move past this point.

 

Neither one of you are comfortable with what the other wants. Either she will steal your time and prevent you from finding someone, or you will pressure her into something she doesn't really want. You just ended a bad relationship, red flags are waving high and bright on this one yet you soldier on.

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Posted

Well we pretty much spent the entire weekend together...

 

I had originally asked her to come over tonight and watch Game of thrones.. When i left her house at about 12 she seemed a bit reluctant.. Probably because it doesn't air till 8 and we both have to get up early (4:30 AM)

 

I decided to text her a few hours ago that it would be perfectly fine if she decided to relax at home. I would just record the show. I wanted to give her an easy out.

 

She just texted me telling me she wants to bring me dinner and watch it.. So Im trying to give her space but yet she chooses to spend more time with me..

 

I was speaking with my father today.. He said she might be scared because she can find no major faults with me.. (I'm not perfect by any means).. Her ex's all had big issues (i.e. anger/violence) and she had told me that she knew they were never going to last... She knew this.. She told me..

 

But yet with me she has to nitpick the little things.. Like bad sense of direction.. I mean she needs to find something to fault in me because she's scared.. Scared that i might be good for her..

 

Come on...

Posted

We never debated the fact she enjoys your company. We're debating and doubting she sees you as a long term partner.

 

It doesn't matter what generates those 'excuses', if it's the fact she is scared, or not ready, or commitment-phobe. The end results remain the same excuses are excuses.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Yes Gaeta,

 

I agree.. On Saturday night I flat out told her that at about this point I felt she was deciding whether I was a long term or short term relationship.. She agreed and said she could give no guarantees.. But are there ever any guarantees?

 

What do I want? If she said tonight "Would you want to move in together?" I would say not right now. If she would say.. I want to see you EVERY night.. I would say "Its a little too much". If she said "Lets see each other once or twice a week and relax together.. I would say "Yes"

 

What I would really want to hear is "I Love you" Thats what I want to hear.

 

I don't feel the need that I would want to end our relationship at this time. I feel in some ways that what some would advise.

 

Yes there are red flags... No i do not have confidence that we are going to make this a long term relationship..

 

I do think she is struggling with it all the same as me... Maybe just not in a public forum

Edited by Kernal
Posted

What do I want? If she said tonight "Would you want to move in together?" I would say not right now. If she would say.. I want to see you EVERY night.. I would say "Its a little too much". If she said "Lets see each other once or twice a week and relax together.. I would say "Yes"

 

What I would really want to hear is "I Love you" Thats what I want to hear.

 

Have you told her these things yourself? Do you love her?

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Posted

No. I haven't told her..and yes I do...

 

Her brother in law was talking to me 2 weeks ago at the fair and out of the blue he ask me if I said that to her yet. I told him no not yet. He told me to not tell her I love her first because she is very independent.. she's been by herself long time.

 

He is not the kind of guy that would give out relationship advice unless maybe he overheard a conversation.. of course that's just my theory I'm not sure. He has known her for 25 years.

 

QUOTE=BlueIris;5641948]Have you told her these things yourself? Do you love her?

Posted
No. I haven't told her..and yes I do...

 

Her brother in law was talking to me 2 weeks ago at the fair and out of the blue he ask me if I said that to her yet. I told him no not yet. He told me to not tell her I love her first because she is very independent.. she's been by herself long time.

 

He is not the kind of guy that would give out relationship advice unless maybe he overheard a conversation.. of course that's just my theory I'm not sure. He has known her for 25 years.

 

QUOTE=BlueIris;5641948]Have you told her these things yourself? Do you love her?

 

So he told you she's a scared cat. Possibly a commitment phobe.

 

Don't tell her you love her because she is very independent?? What's the deal here? The 2 aren't related. What he meant is she is not ready to be in a relationship, saying you love her will have her run away. I agree 100% with that.

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Posted

Yes. I agree. But I cannot help but wonder if I was a total type A individual if she would still be acting the same way towards me?

 

 

 

So he told you she's a scared cat. Possibly a commitment phobe.

 

Don't tell her you love her because she is very independent?? What's the deal here? The 2 aren't related. What he meant is she is not ready to be in a relationship, saying you love her will have her run away. I agree 100% with that.

Posted (edited)
Yes. I agree. But I cannot help but wonder if I was a total type A individual if she would still be acting the same way towards me?

 

There we go again.

 

If she felt it for you it would not matter if you were type A or Z. We don't control who we are attracted towards.

 

I always liked confident borderline arrogant men till one day I met a shy one and even though he was nothing like my usual type he blew my mind away!!

 

You'd wake up a type A tomorrow morning and she would not feel differently toward you.

 

She doesn't feel the spark and she is trying to come up with an explanation like must be you're not type A, must be because you're a scattered brain, must be because you speak to your mom, ....

 

There is NO explanation, she doesn't feel it, period.

Edited by Gaeta
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Posted (edited)

Well I guess I've just been hoping that as time goes by she will eventually fall in love with me. Sometimes it does take people that long..

 

She has walls. She may be coming up with every reason to not love me.

 

The thing is I worry if it hasn't happened by 6 months it's probably not going to happen at all.

 

I guess when I first started this thread I could sense she was beginning to pull away from me. I just needed advice on what I was doing wrong so I could pull her back in.

 

maybe around the 6 month people start to look at their relationship differently. The initial newness, excitement and attraction has begun to wear off.. she has begun to look at the type of person I am as the relationship has evolved and I think that is what she's questioning.

 

I seem to be facing a lot of my hope for this relationship on the fact she continues to spend time with me.

 

People have said red flags are flying.. I guess it's just a matter of time till she ends this.

Edited by Kernal
Posted
Well I guess I've just been hoping that as time goes by she will eventually fall in love with me. Sometimes it does take people that long..

 

She has walls. She may be coming up with every reason to not love me.

 

The thing is I worry if it hasn't happened by 6 months it's probably not going to happen at all.

 

I guess when I first started this thread I could sense she was beginning to pull away from me. I just needed advice on what I was doing wrong so I could pull her back in.

 

maybe around the 6 month people start to look at their relationship differently. The initial newness, excitement and attraction has begun to wear off.. she has begun to look at the type of person I am as the relationship has evolved and I think that is what she's questioning.

 

I seem to be facing a lot of my hope for this relationship on the fact she continues to spend time with me.

 

People have said red flags are flying.. I guess it's just a matter of time till she ends this.

 

I told you way back on this thread that I thought you should protect yourself because at this rate she is going to hurt you. That doesn't mean dump her, it means match her level of commitment to the relationship. Back off, not in the time you spend but with your emotional investment.

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Posted (edited)

Basically withdraw emotionally simular to the way I've felt her do with me..

 

Good advice.. It's going to be hard.

Edited by Kernal
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